Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

[Borntorun123]

NC for this.

I will start by saying I am lucky enough to have 3-4 budget holidays/ short breaks a year.

My last one was with an old friend who has mobility problems. She can manage most things but walking is very limited.

I willingly carried bags, pushed a wheelchair when necessary ( longer distances than she couldn’t walk in airports, etc), offered her first choice of seating, popped to shops for items, did everything I could to make things as comfortable and easy for her as possible.

She said that she had a good time and I am pleased. On the other hand I found that the holiday was so limited that I felt guilty and frustrated. I felt sorry for her, and very much appreciated my own physical health, but I constantly felt restricted. I run every day and was still able to do that, but whilst out saw places I would have liked to spend time exploring, or nice looking restaurants for a long dinner, etc. So many things to see and do.

Apart from travel by taxi to a few carefully chosen places, we could only go to one place on the beach where sun beds were provided
( charged) , and just one restaurant.

I can’t imagine how frustrated my friend is with being so immobile. I know I am very lucky.

She has now suggested going away together again. We’ve only been home a few weeks and it wouldn’t be until Autumn. She is looking to me to arrange everything as before. It took a lot of research, trying to ascertain what roads and paths are like, exact proximity to attractions, contacting property owners with several questions, etc. and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon.

I don’t want to go away with her again, at least not for the second time in a year. As well as being restricted it cost me significantly more due to taxis ( I rode in the taxi so of course split costs), it was always me popping to the shops for minor purchases, which individually seemed too trivial in cost to split, but actually totted up to a significant sum.

AIBU to tell her no? She couldn’t holiday alone, whereas I plan to do that for my next trip.

You are not her carer. It’s not reasonable for you to pay for a holiday for yourself then end up working as a carer. If she needs a carer then she needs to employ one - or at the very least pay for your holiday because you’re acting as her carer. I wouldn’t go on holiday with her again and I wouldn’t feel guilty about refusing to be used as an unpaid carer.

A few people have asked how close friends we are and if I enjoyed her company.
We have been friends for many years after meeting due to a shared interest.
I wouldn’t say very close, but we speak a few times most weeks and do have occasional days or evenings out. It is easier then as we both drive and can normally park nearby.
I would say that I genuinely enjoyed her company when we were sitting at the bar chatting, etc.
If I am being very honest though I would say the positive aspects nowhere near countered the negative ones.
I did arrange wheelchair assistance at the airports but the desks were both a long way from when we went in, so I had to go and borrow wheelchairs to get her there. The people wheeling the chairs then went very fast and as I was carrying her bags I struggled to keep up. I think I may have been a bit unlucky as I have heard that they normally put luggage under the wheelchair.

Tell her that as much as you enjoyed spending time with her, and wouldn't mind doing similar again one day, it's not the sort of thing you'll be doing every year, as it was quite a mission to find suitable places and much more expensive than your usual getaways.

Or just make light of it and say ' already?? Steady on, we're not long back' and just ignore

This. its very sad but yanbu. From what you have said you are acting like a paid companion except you are not paid.

YANBU, OP. It sounds like you were as much a carer as a friend on that holiday and I don't think I would be in a rush to be in such a situation again. My son needs a wheelchair for distances and can't do the energetic things he used to, so I do understand and sympathise with your friend, but just as I wouldn't ask a friend to care for my child for free, I don't think she should ask you.

You say she can't use a computer for anything but social media...so obviously she can get online. If you have time, I would send her links or even sit with her in a cafe or pub one day and show her sites that will help her be more independent. She shouldn't miss out on holidays. They are more difficult when you are disabled, but they are not impossible.

You notify the airline of wheelchair/assistance requirements in advance and there is sometimes a special place to check on or a desk to meet assistance reps at who will help you with luggage and transport you to the gate. Hotels will often place you in a wheelchair accessible room, close to reception and on the ground floor (if requested). Sites like Wheel the World post regularly about both standard and adventurous holidays that can be done in a wheelchair and which travel partners to book through, other sites like Wheelmate and accessaloo list disabled toilets and parking in over 45 countries. There is actually quite a lot of good advice online, if she is capable of looking.

It’s simple really- either you like the friend enough to want to go on holiday with her- in which case the issues you had wouldn’t matter because you really wanted to be there doing that with her-

or you don’t- in which case don’t do it again and explain why to her.

Im disabled and a wheelchair user with chronic illness- my best friend of decades is a globe trotting travel addict who likes to do things like turn up in Argentina one morning with no accommodation and no plan- clearly that wouldn’t work for me!

So, she goes everywhere all the time and I in no way want to go along- then we go on the odd uk break together where the focus is on spending time together.

She comes with the frame of mind that we want to hang out and have a few drinks and laughs- not long days sight seeing etc.

The paying for things stuff is bollocks though- she should absolutely pay her half (and personally I always offer to pay for taxi fares where I know that friends would otherwise have walked- some friends accept others insist on splitting, but I always offer).

i think going on more than one holiday with the same person (unless extremely close) is actually a bit much. I also think getting into a habitual holiday with anyone is pretty difficult as it is hard if you don’t feel like it one year. I’d be firm, so sorry, have lots planned and my holiday quota for the year is done. I do think she was unfair expecting you to organise everything. Whilst I’d encourage you to consider it again one day, I’d say you need to avoid for both this and next year so that it is not an expectation.

I think you just tell her that you already have plans made for this year, but that maybe you could plan something again at a later date. It might be that in a couple of years time, you will feel like doing it again.

You sound an incredibly lovely friend. However, she’s put you in an awful position.

It's almost like, no good deed goes unpunished.

I used to be friendly with someone similar but as PP says, you were her PA/carer on holiday not relaxing like a friend.

She is probably oblivious to your needs.

I would try and speak honestly to her. If she is a real friend she will understand and accept where you’re coming from.

Just be honest, tell her that while you are glad she really enjoyed the holiday you found the holiday restrictive, if she is a friend she will already know that. Explain your idea of a great holiday. Don't say you won't go with her again but explain that you would be open to another holiday in 18 months 2 years time. Ask her to use that time to use the internet to research holidays. Life is too short to to ruin your holidays.

It’s simple really-either you like the friend enough to want to go on holiday with her-in which case the issues you had wouldn’t matter because you really wanted to be there doing that with her-or you don’t- in which case don’t do it again and explain why to her.

It’s not really that simple. The OP can really like the friend loads and wouldn’t mind going on holiday with her, but also want the friend to help organise/book the holiday and pay for taxis if she needs them.

It doesn’t sound like this friend is at all self-aware about the impact her needs are having on others though. She wants/needs a carer and wants the OP to do it-free, whilst seemingly believing it’s also a really good holiday for her!

It wasn't a holiday for you. It was for her, but it wasn't for you. You were fulfilling the role of 'unpaid carer' entirely, and paying for the privilege. And her 'blissful unawareness' of her now asking you to plan another one where you will incur higher costs and do ALL the running around for her, while not getting to do anything you want to do, is an unreasonable expectation. Even if she doesn't see it.

It really is that simple. And you don't want to do it again, and you can't afford to do it again. And while I know you can't put it that way to your friend, you are going to have to find a way to let her down gently.

I imagine any conversation about it is going to be difficult, but it will need to be had. She's not family, you're not responsible for her, but she is a friend, and if you want to keep her as a friend, you're going to need to be kind but clear that you can't go on another holiday with her again. You're open to outings and maybe a weekend getaway here and there, but a longer holiday is out of the question for you.

Are there any sort of holidays together you'd enjoy

I was thinking something like a mark Warner adult uk holiday? All activity in one hotel which hopefully is okay for walkers/wheelchair. Learn archery or cooking.

Or a cruise.

I have suggested to my parents (dad 75 uses a walker) that I'd be happy to go with them on a cruise to help them out. But I'd go off some days on my own excursions and other days the more "sit on coach and enjoy scenic views" tours.
But I'd never take them to say Disney where I really love and want to go go go all day. I'd hate it. But don't mind a chilled cruise.

I would advocate honesty here. Write a letter and explain that you enjoy her company, but the holiday was not relaxing, as you had to organise it and do the heavy lifting. The cost was also a factor, so you will not be going away with her again.

She needs you more than you need her. She would not be going on holiday at all unless you were there to facilitate it. For this reason, she should actually be paying for you.

I would then see whether steps up and offers to pay for you.

She doesn’t seem able to a computer for any sort of research, or anything other than social media. She would never be able to book even a package holiday unless she used a Travel Agent

First of all you sound like a lovely friend; however I agree there's no obligation on you to go and certainly not twice a year - apart from anything else tthat would create an expectation for the same in future

If she can use social media she's IT savvy enough to approach an online travel agent who'd sort it all out for her, so if you were willing to do this again maybe next year that's what I'd suggest

If all inclusive pool side suits her and you decide that you want to go again with her, then why don't you book the next trip to a place where she can do this and you have options beyond the pool. You can explain to her that this gives you options to go out and explore a little more which is what you want.

If you are having 3/4 short breaks a year I think 1 a year with your friend is reasonable. I would say can't really do that so soon, but maybe we can do the same time next year.

The thing with people suggesting they go on cruises or all-inclusive holidays, the OP says she likes budget holidays-so she can go on 3/4 a year. Going on that sort of holiday isn’t what she wants to do and would blow her budget completely.

If you enjoy her company can you do something like an all inclusive spa weekend in the UK or a short cruise? that way everything is onsite and you don’t have to do much. Not soon though, in a couple of years, and you definitely need a kitty.

Tell her you can’t holiday this year with her as there’s a more “active” holiday you fancy that wouldn’t suit her needs but would she fancy a trip to (add whatever you think but preferably not garden centre).

I would say "No, better go with someone else - I want to go hiking the High Tatras (or whatever) next, and then island hopping in Greece. I won't be doing a stay-in-one-place holiday for a few years."

A caveat to say that I've not personally used any of these, but you could also suggest one of the numerous "mobility holiday" companies ... not just potentially suitable for her needs but an opportunity to make more friends as well:

https://www.disabledholidays.com/about/escorted-group-holidays.html

https://www.limitlesstravel.org/care

https://www.responsibletravel.com/holidays/limited-mobility

She could go on ten holidays a year and she still wouldn’t be obliged to take her friend once a year. Especially if it is exhausting, costlier and not enjoyable for her.

Just say, "not this year sorry, as I want to book an active holiday later on this year."

I think you could say “Sorry, I’m not able to do that as I already have my next few holidays planned, and that’s my annual leave and budget for (whatever period seems suitable) accounted for. Would you like to go for a day out / evening at X place soon? Would be nice to see you”

I don’t think it’s fair for her to assume this is now a regular thing and not a one off.