AIBU to think that a dog is too much commitment?

[bamboozlette]

DH and DCs have been petitioning for a dog for years. Oldest DC will be off to uni in a couple of years, middle DC is almost 12 and youngest DC is 8. I love dogs but haven't owned one as an adult, and I am honestly very scared of the commitment. We looked into getting a toy poodle (lower maintenance than big breeds) but it seems that small breeds can live up to 18-20 years sometimes... I'm late 40s now, have a health condition that frequently leaves me feeling exhausted and the thought of having to look after an elderly animal when I'm nearly 70 myself sends shivers up my spine. I gave up my career to raise DC and am only just getting back into my stride now, DC say they'll help with the dog but they're all very busy (and I know the novelty will wear off). DH WFH but he works very very long hours, and often on weekends too. He might take the dog on a walk once a day but 90% of the care is going to fall on me. I was raised with dogs and I know it's a great thing for kids but AIBU to shudder at the two-decade commitment at this time in my life? I should add that our family live overseas, we travel for a few weeks a year and we'd have to pay for dog sitters when we travel as we have no in-built support network. Should I just suck it up for the sake of my kids? Everyone we know owns dogs and they seem to make it work so I also feel a but inadequate for even thinking it's too much to add to our plates.

Yes definitely. However, if you’ve never had a dog you can’t imagine the space they take up in your lives. It’s a massive commitment, not to mention the financial side of things.

@fieldsofbutterfliesagree, fundamentally op doesn't want a dog.
The idea of some aspects of a dog in your life is nice in a whimsical way, but she wisely is aware that you can't slice and dice the nice bits out of the whole deal (the lovely bits like where they snooze on your knee in the evening), and she doesn't want the full package.

But she isn't sure her feelings her valid, maybe their family dynamic is contributing to that, but self doubt can have multiple causes... and that's why she can't just state it and forget it.

@PoochiesPinkEars I guess I just don't get that way of thinking then.

At times I feel terribly guilty about not getting a dog for my children but I know the care and responsibility would be left to me despite all their protestations to the contrary.

My children are 13, 14 and 16 and in a few years will be in college/working and wont be around to care for it.

We have discussed this a few times since they were young and it always came back to the same fact that I dont want the responsibility. I WFH so I know it will be me spending most of the time around it.

Like you OP I hope that when my children are off in college/working, I will be making the most of my freedom. I dont want the added burden of trying to find someone to care for the dog when I am not here.

You are signing up to care for the dog for up to 20 years. Most shelters in Ireland wont give you a dog if you have children or if you are a first time dog owner so older dogs are hard to get.

Oh gosh, OP, please please do not get a dog. The number of women I know who are stuck looking after a dog they resent because their kids and DH begged and pleaded and promised to do all the work…

The “primary parent” in a family should NEVER agree to any pets unless they themselves want the pet and are genuinely happy for it to end up being their pet and their responsibility. Because the person who is at home most and does most of the housework will wind up doing most of the pet-related work.

Thank goodness! ☺️
Feeling sure of yourself and your right to decline supporting someone else acquiring an additional family member for the fun bits (with none of the responsibility), is infinitely preferable to feeling obligated to subjugate your wishes to prioritise another's.

OP, I find MN quite extreme whenever dogs are discussed. Getting my dog has been the single best thing I've done since my children were born. He is also a toy breed and is the sweetest loveliest boy there is. He is absolutely no trouble at all, yes there is an expense attached in grooming, insurance, good etc but he is a joy to behold.

My kids have been absolutely besotted and still are. He gets me out and about when my mental health is bad. As he's a toy breed they don't need too much walking as I chose wisely for my circumstances. He will stay on his own for periods of time so I'm not rushing around desperately to get back because he's fine. He's only added to my life.

Also, there is no comparison to babies/children in terms of cost, care etc....my children are a lot messier, high maintenance, shouty than my beloved dog.

If you have doubts now, you certainly will if you get a dog.

Vets bills. £££
Kennels. £££
Dog sitters. £££
Expensive dog food. £££
Grooming. £££

Picking up dog poo. 💩Urge making.🤮
Dog aroma in house. Yuk.
Dog paraphernalia around the house? Nooooo.
Dog with anxiety/left in house alone/barking to upset neighbours? Noooo
Dog walking all weathers!
Dog walking when you feel unwell. Nooo

Weve always had dogs but now we love to travel or go out most days. Dogs are a massive tie so we’re not getting another. I say this with a very sad heart.

When your kids have flown the nest and have homes of their own, they can have a dog then! Believe me, however much they tell you they will help with doggy care, they won’t!

Do Not Get A Dog.

Definitely not unreasonable, I grew up with dogs from the age of 11 onwards, and dearly love them. We also fostered lots of extra dogs. But at the time, my sister and I could walk them together, my dad was much more active and involved with them as well and my mum was in good enough health to be able to help too.
My sister and I moved out to our lives, my dad's work got much more intense and left him less free time and energy to walk the dogs, my mums health declined so she couldn't walk them.
It's really hard work, my sister lives closest and got a dog of her own so she often goes to my parents house to pick up their last surviving dog to walk it with hers.
Holidays, they have to ask their cleaner to live in to look after both dogs, but they're very fortunate to have this set up. Its not an option for many people.
My husband and I considered getting a dog but couldn't commit to it, his family also live abroad so we go away for weeks at a time every year and even though we could potentially rely on my family to look after our dog, I didn't want to push that commitment onto them either.
I dread the day my toddler asks us to get a dog as she adores my parents & sisters dogs.

But the thing is, people view dog ownership from their own perspective. I don’t really see anything approaching “hardship” in having a dog. If I say how wonderful it is to have a dog, I’m not being dishonest. I’m just expressing my opinion on the subject.

Yes, a dog can be expensive and will certainly limit your spontaneity. For me, those things are just part and parcel of dog ownership and far outweighed by the positive aspects. If you’re not 100% on board with all that having a dog entails, then you definitely shouldn’t give in to pressure from your family. But equally, many people do have dogs they adore and genuinely have never faced any significant problems with them.

@MotherofChaosandDestruction your pooch sounds delightful, but do you not find yourself ‘tied’ in the same way you would be with any size of dog? I understand the walking requirements are less with a mini dog but you still can’t leave them alone for more than 4-5 hours I’m assuming? I guess this is really wide open as questions go as people’s lifestyles and support networks are so very different. I suspect if I were a homebody with a built in support network to take the dog when I wanted a day off/when our family goes on holidays I would feel more enthusiastic about the prospect of adding another sentient creature to my ‘to care for’ list. As I WFH I would be responsible for the vast majority of care (and as toy breeds are usually ‘companion dogs’ prone to separation anxiety I imagine I’d feel very guilty leaving him/her alone for any period of time, but that’s human anxiety for you)

I agree. It's one thing to ask opinions, but even when people are saying they're happy they have the dog it's 'but don't you regret xyz?'.

@bamboozlette there are both pros and cons to having a dog, nobody can deny that, it's just an individual decision on whether the pros outweigh the cons for you. It doesn't sound like they do. You do sound like you're trying to convince other people that dogs are an awful hardship though! I don't feel that way about mine, the puppy stage was hard but I really wanted a dog so I got through it. Personally I don't particularly want children and don't really see the appeal. The thought of pregnancy and childbirth, then sacrificing 20+ years of my life caring for them and paying for them, just sounds terrible to me. Presumably you did see the appeal so you had kids. The fact you are glad you had your kids doesn't impact my feelings or decisions, just like the fact I'm glad I got a dog shouldn't sway yours.

@bamboozlette every reputable trainer/behaviourist/book/charity I have read or spoken to recommend leaving a dog for 4 hours per day max, regardless of breed. You are absolutely right there.

You may well get individuals explaining that their dog can manage longer than this, or that the dog is fine whilst they are out at work all day with someone popping in at lunchtime to give let them out for a quick wee, but this is unusual and really not recommended.

My partner and I both agreed on getting a dog- he actually pushed for this more than me, I would have waited a little longer due to other circumstances at the time. He adores our dog but has now said he's not sure about getting any more dogs. This is largely due to feeling restricted and having to organise a dog sitter when we want to be out for longer, so difficult to be spontaneous. He is wfh, so by default more of the day to day dog care falls to him. I am mindful to pick up as much of the load as I can around this, which I'd be sceptical would happen in your situation.

Dog is a huge commitment op! Bigger than a child dare I say it..? They will never gain independence! For this reason I’m standing firm on not getting one too. My 2 dc are more than enough responsibility for me!

I don’t have a dog but based on my experience of people who have dogs there are three main categories of owners:

• people who have the time and commitment to do multiple daily walks - e.g. may be working from home and don’t have other commitments such as children;
• people who don’t the time and/or commitment and so the dog doesn’t get walked, drives the owners and neighbours crazy with barking, etc; and
• people who have no time but they have others to do all the “heavy lifting” - retired parents, paid dog walkers, housekeepers etc.

You are not being inadequate OP.
My DCs think they would love a dog but it’s a firm no from my DH and I as we know it’d be us that have to deal with 99.9% of the responsibility and I’m afraid that whilst I have nothing against dogs as such, I absolutely do not want the commitment of a high maintenance pet. I literally could write list as long as my arm of the inconveniences having a dog would bring (there was a good post on MN recently from a dog owner listing all the reasons not to get a dog). I don’t feel inadequate for it, just realistic. Don’t beat yourself up OP. Your DCs can get a dog when they’re older (and living in their own home!) if they still want one then 😊

I find it a massive chore. I'm exhausted already with kids, job, menopause! I just can't stand the commitment of having to do regular walks whatever the weather. Picking up poo, the awful smell, constant cleaning, bathing the dog, grooming, can't go anywhere for more than 4 hours. Constant attention seeking. Fleas! We've had awful awful infestations over the past two years like never before. Cleaning dogs feet every time he comes into the house. The car stinks and has hair all over. The cost of kennels. Having to plan every single time we go out. Massive massive regret. I could go on

I don't want to look after anyone else, it's my time now

I would love a dog, and I know my children would too. But I also know that however much I loved it, I would also massively regret it, and that's not fair on any dog.

I do feel tied I suppose but I have primary aged children so I am pretty trapped as it is! I have an excellent support network in my family to help if I do need to go to the office (I also WFH) and/or go on holiday so that certainly helps! I am a single parent so all care for my boy falls to me as well as the kids. It's actually made our family complete, we love playing and taking him for walks etc.

I don't feel too bad leaving him but absolutely wouldn't leave him for 6 hours + without someone checking in on him! I do think we baby our pets a bit too much, I'm just as bad but I insist on leaving him alone for periods of time because I do think they need to get used to it.

I really don’t think so. I think he’s sad that our kids are growing up without extended family around and he thinks a dog would bring them joy. I’m sure it would and as I grew up with dogs part of me would love for them to have this experience, too, but I don’t know if I’m equipped to take on another big responsibility at this point in my life.

You have a lucky pup @MotherofChaosandDestruction! I think it would be a no brainer for me if I had a support network of willing dog sitters but alas, we have nobody to help. I think I would worry non-stop about leaving a pet with a stranger for any length of time, too, plus the expense of daycare etc would be significant. It's actually making me sad to think about this now (my kingdom for a 'village!') but circumstances are what they are x

@fluffycloudsfloatingpast the funny thing is I've been the biggest 'attachment parent' (my youngest DC still ends up in bed with me most nights) and I wouldn't change it at all but I'm definitely getting to the stage where I want to be unencumbered by more commitments? I'm not sure if that makes me sound selfish or not but I have given a lot of myself and I feel - like most mothers, I assume - quite depleted at times. Thank you for your honesty x

you are not selfish! you brought up your children... its perfectly OK to want a bit of your own space now

My last dog died in 2018 and although I was devastated, I also very much appreciated not having the tie and commitment of a dog for a few years. Then last year, I got a puppy 😬, I have similar aged children to you and it was my youngest in particular who really wanted one, and wore me down. My eyes were wide open, I knew what having a dog entails. I thought the responsibility might be good for her, and be a reason to be out and about away from her bloody phone.

I also have health issues and these have taken a turn for the worse over the last 6 months or so.

Anyway, this is how it’s panned out so far. Puppy arrived in July, was very high maintenance as puppies are, after 1 night in DD’s room she decided she wasn’t cut out for sleepless nights, and transferred the responsibility to me. A good 6 months of being woken up multiple times in the night by a puppy with seemingly the weakest bladder ever followed, I was like a zombie (I have CFS so energy levels aren’t great at the best of times). Countless piddles were done on the carpet, I’m sure it’s more piss than carpet now, despite having bought 2 carpet cleaning machines since pup arrived. But both of those issues have now passed and I have a dog who will go all night sleeping soundly, and not sneak off to urinate on the carpet.

The upshot of this is that pup is very much now my dog, because she has slept with me since the start. And in terms of my mental health, she is brilliant, she’s such a fun little person to have around. I do put my foot down with the walking, as it’s very rare I’m well enough to take her out, so I make DD do that.

I have found a local dog sitter who is brilliant and only charges £15 per night, so going away is pretty straightforward. I do miss her when I’m away but I know she’ll be having a great time and I soon appreciate the time off rather than miss her 🤣. I also have friends with other small dogs of similar ages who get on well with my pup, and we have reciprocal arrangements where we’ll look after each other’s dogs if we need to go out somewhere for the day or whatever.

We started doing agility in October and pup LOVES it, it’s a really nice thing for DD and me to do together and it’s great training/brain exercising for the pup.

Mine is a poodle cross and I agree with others that they are really needy and don’t like being left, but again this is getting easier as time goes on.

It has crossed my mind that there will come a time when it could well be just me and the pup (although who knows as my DC have SEN so probably won’t be moving out particularly young), but I’m ok with that as I think it will be nice to still have my 4 legged child and not a completely empty nest.

I think they’re like children in that there’s absolutely no logical reason to have them, and they definitely do make life harder, but also there’s loads of positives to having them and you will come to love the bones of them, and it makes it all worthwhile.