AIBU to think that a dog is too much commitment?

[bamboozlette]

DH and DCs have been petitioning for a dog for years. Oldest DC will be off to uni in a couple of years, middle DC is almost 12 and youngest DC is 8. I love dogs but haven't owned one as an adult, and I am honestly very scared of the commitment. We looked into getting a toy poodle (lower maintenance than big breeds) but it seems that small breeds can live up to 18-20 years sometimes... I'm late 40s now, have a health condition that frequently leaves me feeling exhausted and the thought of having to look after an elderly animal when I'm nearly 70 myself sends shivers up my spine. I gave up my career to raise DC and am only just getting back into my stride now, DC say they'll help with the dog but they're all very busy (and I know the novelty will wear off). DH WFH but he works very very long hours, and often on weekends too. He might take the dog on a walk once a day but 90% of the care is going to fall on me. I was raised with dogs and I know it's a great thing for kids but AIBU to shudder at the two-decade commitment at this time in my life? I should add that our family live overseas, we travel for a few weeks a year and we'd have to pay for dog sitters when we travel as we have no in-built support network. Should I just suck it up for the sake of my kids? Everyone we know owns dogs and they seem to make it work so I also feel a but inadequate for even thinking it's too much to add to our plates.

Not stupid at all. My DH is one of 3, youngest child being a fair amount younger. MIL got a dog when eldest 2 went off to uni for company for youngest child. She loves the dog but it is such a massive chain now youngest has left. She does go on holidays and long weekends, but finding care for the dog is a bit of a ball ache.

Have you looked at borrow my doggy? That's a great alternative

Can I just say, woman to woman, and as someone who has two dogs and is a similar age to you… don’t do it

i live my dogs, BUT right now it is really important you start to focus a bit more on what YOU want, and what YOU need next

as a mother, and at your/my age, we have given a lot of ourselves and been putting our family first for years, it has become habit to think of what they want first…

at around 50 life gets very tough, kids are young adults with young-adult problems, husbands can get midlife crisis, redundancy, health issues, elderly parents need our support, friends face life issues such as illness and mental health crisis.

50s is the time for you to find yourself again and figure out what you want to do next, what makes you happy etc. You have given enough.

for me, what makes me happy is long dog walks with my hounds, but you should really only choose this if it is genuinely what you want for yourself, as yes. 95% of the care will fall to you. The kids will do nothing, the husband will find he has other commitments as you are the back-up option snyway

only do it if you really want to. Set clear boundaries. Dare to be the bad guy 😬😁

You're right that dogs are a big commitment but I do find MN can be a bit extreme when it comes to dog ownership, in all honesty.

That said, if you're already worried about not being able to commit, then it's probably best that you don't get a dog.

This is another issue. I have terrible anxiety and I'm sure I would constantly worry if we left the dog with a petsitter for our long holidays. I know people who've cut dream trips short to get back to their pets and I don't want to be that person, but the nurturer in me would always be worried!

True, but they often come with massive vet bills as well and, if older than 7 or 8 you cannot get a new insurance at all.

I took very good care of my previous dog so he lived close to two decades but the vet fees would have been totally crippling without the insurance… actually, by then, even the insurance was becoming unaffordable!

@bamboozlette I like the movement of an animal in the house when I'm alone in the daytime, and he is super well-behaved. We got very lucky in that respect.

On balance, as a single parent, I regret allowing the DCs to talk me into a puppy/dog.

It is easier when my partner is here; he adores animals and takes on much of the hidden care (wiping eyes daily, nail clipping, cutting food out of his facial hair that has dried in, wiping his bum after visits outside, administering monthly flea tablets and whatever the schedule is for worming tablets). We all have to clean his paws when he comes in from the garden, and he needs mini baths (legs and face) between grooms in Autumn & Spring when it is wet outside.

Yes, I regret getting him because of the tie, and as others have said, they never grow up and gain any independence like the kids.

But it fills my heart with joy when I see one of the teens racing around the garden with him, wearing him out (when I haven't walked him) and engaging in a wholesome activity rather than being glued to phones.

On balance, I would not do this again. He is a one-and-done animal; if anything happens to him, he will not be replaced.

Please don't get a dog of any age. Just the slightest element of doubt is a massive NO.

I do love the fantasy image of my DC romping about with the dogs (and maybe not fighting for five minutes?) but who knows if that will come to pass?

💯 agree OP. I can’t be bothered with the commitment either. I had a pet rock whose eye fell off, that’s how good I am at looking after things 😜

Why doesn't your husband take the children to an animal shelter at the weekend and ask what help can they give by way of dog walking etc

You'll get a break and they'll have their dog 'fix'.

Some places might not allow children to help.

You are absolutely not unreasonable OP.

How about offering to dog sit for some of your friends who have dogs? It sounds like you’d be happy to have a dog in your life some of the time, and there are plenty of ways to achieve that without having one of your own.

We did this and my DD cried for hours after seeing all the sad animals. It's mainly her pleading that's driving this thought process even though we all love dogs, she's been asking for YEARS now and all her friends have dogs. I know this is not a good enough reason but it's hard to not get worn down by the tearful pleas...

Look at https://www.borrowmydoggy.com/

i think with all the things you’ve written about a permanent dog isn’t for you. And you’re very sensible not to be talked into it, too many end up in rescue centres.

Yeah to be honest, the kids wanted a dog, my DH has always lived with dogs from a child, I knew a dog would be a huge commitment, and he has brought so much love into their lives ( which I also knew) but what I didn't appreciate was how much I would love him and worry about him. I worry about his food, whether he is eating enough, whether he has a limp, whether his bowels are working properly, whether hes not himself etc. its worse than kids because at least they can tell you if they are ill or where it hurts. He has brought so much joy into our lives, but frankly, we were fine before. If we had never had a dog, we would never had known what having a dog was like. I'm also dreading the day he goes over the Rainbow Bridge ( and hes only 6!) and I wont be getting another dog. Just be warned about the fostering. that's what we decided to do-5 years later...

This is a good idea however most of my dog owning friends have large shedding breeds and TBH I am not a big fan of slobber or hair everywhere (hence the toy poodle suggestion!) I grew up with labs and adored them but in my already chaotic life now I don't want the extra housekeeping, or the smell

I’d say absolutely don’t get one. We always had dogs, our last dog was getting old when we were in our late forties so we got a puppy to ‘keep her company’. Such a bad move. Although we loved the dog immensely, she was a 14 year commitment. It was like having a perpetual toddler. Meant we couldn’t do anything spontaneously because of the dog. Couldn’t nip off for the weekend, because of the dog. Could not leave the house for too long, because of the dog. Vets bills spiralled, the carpet was always dirty, furniture wasn’t worth replacing, because of the dog. When she finally died a happy, much loved old dog I breathed a sigh of relief (along with many tears). Life is so much easier now.

This is also me.

What about a cat for your DD instead? They bring so much love but much less of an imposition on your life.

I was desperate for a dog as a child and teenager. Never got one. I got my first dog a few years ago at the age of 30 and it was hard. If she wants a dog that desperately she can wait until she's an adult and get her own. It really doesn't sound like you want a dog enough, or are really prepared for it. Some people seem to get easy dogs, but other people make it look easy by being poor dog owners and not truly meeting their dog's needs.

Gently, OP. If you have a health condition that leaves you exhausted and your DH works long hours...then you cannot get a dog. You cannot be sure that the dog will get the attention/exercise/stimulation it needs. Yes, things happen in the future but you know already that you're going to struggle...

I'd also caution against thinking a smaller dog is less high maintenance/energy.

TBH kids wants/views should come last when deciding if a pet is a right choice - they rarely do anything to help with training/walking/mental stimulation. They don't pay for vets bills or food or insurance. They literally just cuddle them.

You're making valid points and being very sensible.

We got ours before we had DC and knew that would likely take us through until DC being teens. At that point we said at the time we won't be getting another because that'll be our time to enjoy with fewer commitments, especially once DC go to university or move out.

Lots of dog threads seem to boil down to man and kids wanting a dog, with mum left knowing she'll be the one doing most of the walks, admin, responsibility.

Honestly, stand firm OP. My kids begged for a dog for years and years, we finally gave in and within about two weeks, they had got bored of the annoying bitey puppy who took all the attention and was hard work and shitty and frankly tedious.

Love our dog but it’s me and DP who walk him in the hideous weather, pay his extortionate expenses, food, insurance gah. And it’s restricted us for holidays, socialising, you name it.

The other day, DD who is now 17 said the experience of getting a dog had confirmed for her that when she’s older she won’t be getting a dog.

Get a cat. Much easier.

That might be what you have to deal with in 15 years time!

I am not a dog person, but I relented and now we have a lovely dog. But last year she was really unwell, vomiting and diarrhoea every day for about 3 weeks, numerous visits to the vet, lost 3 kilos - about 25% if her body weight, honestly thought she was on the way out. Her recovery was very slow - took about 3 months in total and it's only the fact that I WFH in a job with very flexible hours that got her through. I was able to feed her every hour, let her out every hour, cuddle her when she was feeling very unwell etc. Every day revolved around getting the dog to eat and not be sick.

If she had been left for long periods each day if we both worked out of the home, then I think the outcome might have been very different.

Dogs are more of a tie than children, and I do get annoyed that we can't be spontaneous and go away for a weekend at short notice etc. as we have to get the dog sorted.

I love her to bits, and was distraught when she was so unwell. But would I get another one? NO!

Unfortunately this can happen at any age too. Ours is 6 and has arthritis, as well as food allergies. He costs us nearly £175 a month for medication, special food and insurance