AIBU to think that a dog is too much commitment?

[bamboozlette]

DH and DCs have been petitioning for a dog for years. Oldest DC will be off to uni in a couple of years, middle DC is almost 12 and youngest DC is 8. I love dogs but haven't owned one as an adult, and I am honestly very scared of the commitment. We looked into getting a toy poodle (lower maintenance than big breeds) but it seems that small breeds can live up to 18-20 years sometimes... I'm late 40s now, have a health condition that frequently leaves me feeling exhausted and the thought of having to look after an elderly animal when I'm nearly 70 myself sends shivers up my spine. I gave up my career to raise DC and am only just getting back into my stride now, DC say they'll help with the dog but they're all very busy (and I know the novelty will wear off). DH WFH but he works very very long hours, and often on weekends too. He might take the dog on a walk once a day but 90% of the care is going to fall on me. I was raised with dogs and I know it's a great thing for kids but AIBU to shudder at the two-decade commitment at this time in my life? I should add that our family live overseas, we travel for a few weeks a year and we'd have to pay for dog sitters when we travel as we have no in-built support network. Should I just suck it up for the sake of my kids? Everyone we know owns dogs and they seem to make it work so I also feel a but inadequate for even thinking it's too much to add to our plates.

Couldn’t agree more! I love walking friends’ dogs but know very well that my lifestyle and job would not allow me to give a dog the full attention and love it deserves. It would be totally selfish and unfair of us to get a dog. That’s the very reverse of disdain for dogs.

Well, it's a bit like having a baby/child/teen. Immensely stressful but deeply fulfilling. But stressful and fulfilling in different ways than kids.
My dog is a lot of work, money, time. The children do very little although DD wanted him (he was a 17th birthday "wish" for her). I absolutely adore him and he gives me and the grownup children incredible satisfaction. He is a member of our household, without him we would be diminished.
And he keeps me fit and happy, walks x 2 beat depression.
But a toy poodle is not a good choice for a laid back dog.!!!!

The way we treat our pets these days has really changed and it is now much more work and more expensive especially if you don't want to be judged as a bad dog owner. Low betide anyone who doesn't take their dog for walks three hours a day, leaves them for more than one hour on their own or doesn't go ahead with every medical intervention their vet can come up with.

I wouldn’t OP and I wouldn’t worry about feeling your kids are missing out, they will
lose interest and it will all be left to you. I get nagged about a dog too but it’s a hard no, I don’t mind my friends dogs when I’m at theirs but wouldn’t want one in my house, hair, mess, accidents. The lack of spontaneity, walking before and after work when I have limited time as is and a DH who works away 90% of the time and the biggest put off picking up steaming turds for 10+ years 🤮. People treating their dogs are fur babies give me the ick and realistically if there were more strict rules around dog ownership and criteria to meet most dog owners wouldn’t be allowed one

Yes, sometimes. My lovely boy made it to 15 1/2 but there is no getting round the fact you live your life around a dog. Got him after pleading from daughter, waited too long, she was 14. I have always worked full time in a full on job. We thought we could juggle the walks with some help from friends. Within 2 years daughter was unexpectedly at 6th form college and gone for 10 hrs a day. We paid hundreds of pounds a month to the dog walker for walks and day care. Every outing planned, every holiday dog cover carefully booked. I loved him to bits but 2 hrs of walking every day in the winter was challenging and meant everything was planned around the walking.
If I'd known, I probably wouldn't have.

I wouldn't get one if I could go back in time. I love the wee thing but when I arrive in the car after work sometimes I don't want to go inside. I am his person so he waits for me all day (husband is home with him) and when I walk in the door he feels like his day begins. I am so tired and drained but he wants attention and fuss then play then needs walked. It's a lot.

Op I agree with pps that you definitely shouldn't get a dog. It sounds like you really dislike dogs in general, you should have just been upfront with your family from the beginning though.

I don’t know where you got that idea from, I love dogs and always have. I’m just aware that as a PP said dog ownership has changed since I had childhood dogs (I’m certain our happy and well-loved dogs weren’t given expensive food or sent to daycare (I doubt those places existed?) and they were probably left alone for more than 3-4 hours a day. I adored them but of course wasn’t the one doing the grunt work. I love spending time with friends’ dogs but I also see that their lives are changed in ways that people often don’t talk about and as I’m slowly regaining a sliver of independence I’m just doing my due diligence (everyone makes it look so easy in their gushy social media posts!)

WFH and I’ve done 90% of the child rearing solo, with zero family support… if you haven’t raised kids thousands of miles away from your ‘village’ it’s perhaps hard to understand, and as DH works so much the buck almost always stops with me. Of course I’m used to it now but it’s very, very hard at times and I just have a nagging feeling that with a dog the same thing will happen despite DC and DH’s promises to help, and the last thing I want is to end up feeling regret or resentment.

I’m sorry 😞. I’m sure you love your pup to the moon and back but I can see why that would be exhausting. My energy levels have definitely waned in recent years (health condition and perimenopause) and I wonder if DC would step up here or not, probably not if PPs’ experiences are anything to go by.

Massive amount of commitment and cost. I adore my dog and don’t regret getting him but he costs me upwards of £350 a month and someone (usually me) has to administer 8 eye drops a day, 3 times per day (he’s got glaucoma and will go blind). He’s only 7 so years of this to go. The kids adore him, but soon it will be me and the dog as they’ll both be at Uni - moved out. After he goes I’ll have a break from dog ownership but no doubt I’ll have a dog again as I adore having a dog, but I wouldn’t ever pretend it’s not a lot of commitment as it really is

I absolutely love my dog.
But she drives me insane. I spend a lot of money for her to go to doggy day care and board there when we are on holidays.
Her food cost a fortune per month and I have it delivered on subscription.
As much as I love her and have totally committed to her, I would NEVER get another one.
The responsibility is mental.
I would recommend if you do get a dog, you get them signed up to doggy day care to help if you need to go away. You always need a back up
Good luck 🐾

Op I say that because you're only looking for the negatives and also validated all the other pps negatives. You don't know anything about my situation so you can't make assumptions about that 🤷‍♀️

Ultimately if you don't want to get a dog don't get a dog.

However as I said before for dd and I the pros on getting our dog have massively outweighed the cons.

Plus you don't have to buy expensive food and my dog is absolutely fine being left for 4-5 hours if needed.

If you look for the negatives you'll find the negatives.

It sounds like I'm at a not dissimilar life stage to you and decided not to even get another cat for exactly the reasons you describe - currently I'm very tied to home with the kids and all their needs but in even 10 years never mind 20 life will look very different and I just didn't want to take on that length of commitment after spending the last few years caring for an elderly cat as well as the children, the vast majority of the housework, gardening, mental load etc. I loved our old boy to bits and was devastated when we lost him but at the same time it's been lovely having a break from the revolting litter trays and being able to go away without sorting cat care. Stick to your guns, don't get a dog unless you actually want one yourself.

With your updates OP, you absolutely must not get a dog !

The main upside of ours is at least we got him when we were a bit younger, so that he will likely have passed away by the time we are early 60s.

Sorry that sounds absolutely awful and for those concerned rookiedog is well loved and looked after, but DS is 18 now and DH and I should be able to go for spontaneous breaks abroad at short notice, but we blardy can't because of the dog.

I have said to DH that when I retire I will go on holiday with friends instead if we still have dog to consider. We do have dog sitters but it either costs a lot of money and requires pre organisation ( and despite it being primarily DHs dog guess who does that) or full scale tidy of the house for our lovely borrowmydoggy couple to stay.

I was lucky enough to have my darling rescue dog for 11 years before she died in August last year.

Every single moment with her was a joy. She was a huge responsibility and needed care, time and attention and we had to consider her at every occasion, holiday and when we were ill. I bloody loved every moment of that. She made us happier every second she was with us and made us laugh all the time. We are still laughing at her funny little ways and sparky personality now.

None of it was a chore. It was just DH and I and we were running our own business so could be with her all the time, then we retired. Our hobbies are all outdoorsy, nature, walking related. Our holidays are camping in the UK. She came along to everything with us, threw herself into it and made it all more fun for us. One of the great happinesses of my life was sitting outside our tent with a glass of wine, the happy dog - fat belly, snoring away in her basket and the sun going down was better than any long haul holiday for us.

We'd waited 30 years to be in a position where we could get a dog. Family and work commitments and our desire to travel put a stop to it before. Then we were ready and able along she came. We spent ages choosing her because we wanted the right match. We loved her so completely and nothing was a tie, responsibility or too much because we 100% wanted her to have the best life alongside us.

My advice to anyone would be don't get a dog until you are absolutely certain, because if you don't have the kind of life that a dog fits well with then yours will change (and you might not like that) for 10 years plus.

Last night I spent the evening looking at dog rescue sites. My God - the number of adult dogs out there looking for homes, dogs with behavioural issues, lack of training issues......it's awful. Poor little buggers.
That's where the 'not thought through' and 'we're not ready' and 'the kids might step up and walk her' dogs end up.

Just one other thought. Everyone considers the puppy time of life and the difficulties that brings.

Also consider the elderly dog time. Your dog slows, might not manage the stairs or getting in the car, you can't be so active yourself, health issues occur, vet and insurance bills go through the roof, kenneling and old dog seems a miserable thing to do so holidays are complicated, doggy day care might be too much for your pupper, accidents occur in the house when your dog gets sick.

Those are the hard years, not the puppy years....and they can last years and years.

I wish this aspect was talked about more. I've seen so many posts about the 'puppy blues' but of course puppies are still cute and trainable. I have two friends currently struggling with elderly dogs, both dogs are blind and incontinent and can't be left at home for any time at all. One gets up multiple times at night, poor thing has dementia on top of all his other ailments. These friends are the age I am now and they're finding it very hard, and one of these women doesn't even have DC to contend with. With my chronic health condition and perimenopause I'm pretty shattered a lot of the time so I can't imagine I'll be feeling super sprightly in 12-18 years' time, which is exactly when a poor elderly pooch will need (and deserve) constant time and attention. I really wish we had committed to a pet when my DC were younger TBH but doing this parenting lark mostly solo has been A LOT, I am still terrified of me or DH getting sick as who would help look after our DC? Adding a dog (or even a young cat) into that mix just worries me, I wouldn't want to make a wrong decision here, and I don't know if this is my anxiety talking or not.

I don't think it sounds awful. So many people happily proclaim that they can't wait for their DC to fly the nest, some actively count the days until they get their freedom back, and this is socially acceptable! My oldest DC is expressing a strong preference for a uni in a different country to the one we live in and if this comes to pass I will, of course, be wanting to visit kiddo as often as possible so this will necessitate even more travel than we already do now. I am possibly/probably overthinking all of this but without family support or a network of dog-loving friends I feel like I have to consider all of this and not just my family's desires for a furry companion.

I can totally understand. Everyone says cats are easier than dogs but they are still work (and they need, and deserve, love and the best care for their whole lives). They can also live a very long time!

I'm wondering if adopting an older cat (6-7 years plus) might be a good option for my DC, although they are very much pleading for a dog.

OP I think if more people approached getting a pet like you are doing, there would be far far fewer doggies stuck in shelters or worse.

if someone has any doubt they may not be able to or happy to care 100% for a pet they shouldn't get one

Do any of your neighbours have a smaller, well behaved dog that your DC can walk occasionally? They might even be able earn a bit of money while they do it. Or you can dog sit a well behaved dog for a weekend. You're doing the favour, you can be picky as to the breed!

Do not get a dog. You have to be 110% committed to having one as they completely take over your life. I can say this with absolute certainty, as we have a miniature poodle. She is a lovely dog but is 24/7 in our lives.

I wish I hadn't. The level of commitment needed, not being able to be spontaneous about going away, the costs- I resent it all. They have a good life, but I don't.

"I wish I hadn't. The level of commitment needed, not being able to be spontaneous about going away, the costs- I resent it all. They have a good life, but I don't."

This with bells on.

I was offered a puppy recently
I said no, because I am aware of the decades of responsibility, cost & I like to travel

I borrow my friends dogs to walk instead