AIBU to think that a dog is too much commitment?

[bamboozlette]

DH and DCs have been petitioning for a dog for years. Oldest DC will be off to uni in a couple of years, middle DC is almost 12 and youngest DC is 8. I love dogs but haven't owned one as an adult, and I am honestly very scared of the commitment. We looked into getting a toy poodle (lower maintenance than big breeds) but it seems that small breeds can live up to 18-20 years sometimes... I'm late 40s now, have a health condition that frequently leaves me feeling exhausted and the thought of having to look after an elderly animal when I'm nearly 70 myself sends shivers up my spine. I gave up my career to raise DC and am only just getting back into my stride now, DC say they'll help with the dog but they're all very busy (and I know the novelty will wear off). DH WFH but he works very very long hours, and often on weekends too. He might take the dog on a walk once a day but 90% of the care is going to fall on me. I was raised with dogs and I know it's a great thing for kids but AIBU to shudder at the two-decade commitment at this time in my life? I should add that our family live overseas, we travel for a few weeks a year and we'd have to pay for dog sitters when we travel as we have no in-built support network. Should I just suck it up for the sake of my kids? Everyone we know owns dogs and they seem to make it work so I also feel a but inadequate for even thinking it's too much to add to our plates.

Don't do it.

I have just observed, from a distance, an acquaintance get a puppy, keep it for less than three weeks and then send it back.

In the past I had told her that she was too busy for a dog and that they were hard work. I'd said the first year is an awful lot of effort and not to rely on children & husband to help out at all. They sent it back because its whining and barking was annoying the husband working from home, one of the children was frightened of the puppy biting, they were overwhelmed by crate training, my friend has a demanding job and I'd imagine got highly anxious about making the whole thing work....I'd imagine the toilet training and chewing was out of hand too. They have form for this, they have complained that their current cat is annoying because he miaows for food (🤦‍♀️) and about a decade ago they got two rescue cats and then rehomed them too 🙄

To hear they had sent the puppy back broke my heart and I did judge them, I have to admit. I'd told them numerous times in the past how much of a commitment it was and they hadn't listened! However once they told me that they were getting the puppy I was nothing but supportive. I'm now more compassionate and know they did the right thing to return the puppy as soon as they did to give it the best chance in a new home hopefully.

I say all this having a dog myself. My kids love him but will join me on a walk less than once a week and my husband also adores him but very rarely has time to walk him due to his demanding job and other demands we have on our time. He is all mine and he is a bind but I do love him. I'll probably always have dogs but I might bypass the puppy stage in future by getting a rescue.

On balance are you still happy that you got the pup? I’m sure you love him/her but knowing what you know would you do it again?

I do wish people were more honest about the hardships! I’ll admit to being seduced by friends’ photos of adorable dogs sitting quietly by the fire in country pubs, and cuddling up with their DCs in Christmas photos. It all looks quite bucolic but then I remember that I also posted cute pics of my infant DC while suffering from PND that nobody apart from DH knew about.

@SD1978 and @BlastedPimples … Were you pressured into getting the dog? Do your family members help? And what is it that you most resent/regret?

No way. Hell would freeze over before I agreed to a dog if my Dh already left most of the housework and family work to me. I’d tell Dh he could take those promises ti help and turn them into reality by doing the list of regular tasks I had for him, and no we aren’t getting a dog.

We always had dogs when I was young, after my parents split mum always had a dog, then her last one had very expensive health issues, during covid developed separation anxiety when mum ever went out (even with her partner still at home) and the dog wasnt even old! The dog sadly died about a year before mum retired and she can't imagine ever being tied down like that again
First year of retirement and she has 6 holiday booked most of which aren't dog friendly and she loves being able to do what she wants when with no ties.
So yeah don't do it!!

I think you are immensely sensible! We have had 3 dogs, and my dc have walked them a few times. If wet dh or I, dogs are gorgeous 😍 but a lot of work. All the kennels we use have been good.we have a brilliant one cooked chicken every day. One to one ball play tucked up with a biscuit every night 🌙.

Do not get a dog!
Realistically it will be you doing the majority of the care just when you're getting your freedom back! It's really unfair your family are pressuring you when they aren't thinking of the burden on you only the fun, it's easy to pay lip service to the notion of 'helping' but if the reality of the family logistics means that'll be token at best they're being very rose tinted glasses about it.

I've always had dogs including while raising my young kids, I'm now late 40's and my kids are only just secondary school age... I'm still thrilled I'm dog free as I'm yearning for spontaneity again.

Dogs have to be able to slot in your life or it's a burden to have the responsibility. They are marvellous, I've adored mine and miss them still but the next chapter of my life will be lighter of responsibilities.

I actually think your family are being really unfair, dismissive of the serious thing they are trying to bring about, either they don't understand what they're asking for or they don't value your time, and your valid feelings on how that should spent.

If the kids are that bothered they can do it when they are running their own lives. My DH did, - had always wanted one, we got one when he was in his 30's, he loved it and even he doesn't want another one now!

Take a good long sniff of the freedom you can smell coming and stop tying yourself in knots over the families flippant desires!
I'm getting the district impression you are taken somewhat for granted, so you need to advocate for yourself strongly!

It would be a massive mistake to get one, and you'll spend 15 years feeling guilty for feeling resentful.

I love our dog, he's 4. We did get him during covid but after yrs of considering and researching. He has made a massive impact on our family unit.
BUT even though I am happy that I do all the ways etc , probably about 95% of his care, he also has some health issues which flare up and anxiety can be a cause. There's no way we could leave him with a sitter long term and although we are trying to get someone that we can build up tine away, that means ALL our current holidays will be with the dog. This isn't an issue as we love being with him but it is obviously massively restrictive on where we can go and whatwecan do once there (Also gets anxious/overexcited in the car).
Now personally I love having him with me but I know it's restricting what we can do as a family so the kids are missing out.
Don't do it especially if you do not want to do the majority of the care. X

Absolutely stick to your guns OP. I wouldn’t be without a dog but I still at times feel completely tied down. Luckily our dogs have always been treated as part of the family and I’ve always been totally committed to their care but I dread to think what life is like for the poor dogs that are bought without full understanding of the years of work and attention that is needed to give a dog the life it deserves.

@bamboozlette absolutely pressured by stbxh and my dd who was only a kid but was egged on by stbxh.

I am left with four dogs. I like them. I take care of them. I can't really afford them at all. I struggle to keep up with their exercise needs.

Dcs do nothing to help despite my asking.

Two are elderly now so in a couple of years, they will die. The other two I will give to stbxh as soon as he has proper flat sorted.

😆😆😆 give over. A dog is dead well within 15 years and is NOTHING like having a child.

OP, your answers to this thread are odd - it's like you want everyone to regret their dogs so that you feel better about saying no to your DH and DC.

It's crystal clear you don't want a dog (and tbh it sounds like you don't even like them) so I'm not sure why you care whether everyone else hates, regrets or adores theirs? Why does it matter?

Having a dog is like having a child in many ways.

It's expensive. You can't leave them for long. They can't do anything for themselves. You have to plan travel needs and costs well in advance. They need lots of attention.

More like, crystal clear op's family are pressuring her and not listening, so she's doubting the validity of her own feelings, hence trying to look under the hood of the lives of actual dog owners so she can see past the facade you glean from things like social media posts.

Nothing wrong with wanting a warts and all, eyes open picture before you make your decision.

If more people were as sensible as op and looked before they jumped the world would be a better place for dogs who often bear the consequences of the kind of thinking her family are doing.

If you don't want a dog then don't get one. As you have correctly stated it will be entirely your responsibility (even if you do get lucky and your DC help out a bit). If you don't want that responsibility then don't get one.

I share your reluctance! My kids are desperate to get a dog, and my DH would do it if I said yes.

I have said definitely not! I would see a dog as a restriction and a responsibility, not a joy. I have spent 10+ years changing nappies, and I am certainly not signing up to picking up every single shit a dog does for the rest of its life. Hell no.

I like the idea of a lovely dog hanging about and long walks on the beach. But I don't want to feed it, pick up its shit, nurse it when it is sick. So there won't be a dog living in my house.

The kids can get a dog when they're older and have their own houses. I'll happily dog sit when they want to go on holiday!

I admire your foresight and the amount of thought you've given this OP
If only all pet owners were like you. Far too many people get pets without thinking about the care they require (and the cost of that care) in old age. So many elderly pets out there let down by their owners in their time of need and left suffering because at some point in time their owner wanted a puppy.

Don't do it.

I was the driver to get one, now remorse.
I love bones of DDog.
Children do not step up.
Dogs can get behavioural issues that cost hundreds to sort/tue you down massively.

If one part of you is saying no, that's the right answer.

Consider this: is your DH keen to keep you tied down now you might get more freedom/restart work?

@PoochiesPinkEars but even if everyone on here said they absolutely adored dog ownership, OP still shouldn't get a dog if she's concerned about the level of commitment needed.

I just don't see the benefit in wanting everyone to say how much they regret owning a dog.

I love my dog more than my own life, he's two and my first dog.

But I cannot stress how much of a. Commitment it is.

As per PP - I love him with all my heart, but I will never do this again.

YANBU

The children can get a dog when they become adults where it WILL be their full responsibility, not yours.

I spent more time with my dog in the decade I had her than my friend has done with her daughters during the same period.

Dogs don't go to school, visit friends and family for holidays, go to scouts and on camp. My dog was with me 24/7, 7 days a week for over a decade.

Dogs never get to the stage where they can make their own breakfast or bathe themselves. They can't tell you when they feel ill, hungry, cold. You always have to do that for them. There's no development on from those utterly dependent years.

Good dog owners put more thought into the decision about whether or not to get a dog than many people put into having children.

15 years is a large lump out of anyone's life and for that time the dog is 100% your responsibility. Lots of dogs live longer than 15 years. The Queen had a dog that lived to be over 20.