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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Financial issues between DS and DSD

371 replies

SlimShaddy · 19/04/2024 12:17

My partner and I live together with my DS (12) and his DD (13). I warned him before he moved in that DS’s father is wealthy and DS benefits greatly from this such as schooling, clothes, holiday and possessions etc. I on the other hand am not wealthy and neither is DP. He said this wasn’t an issue.

it was fine for the first few months but DSD soon started getting jealous of DS. He basically gets whatever he wants including state of the art laptop, latest iPhone, expensive gaming PC, designer clothes etc etc however, he works most of the weekend with his dad and “earns” cash for doing so.

This basically means he’s at school all week, has martial arts 2 nights a week, martial arts on Saturday morning and then works Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning. DSD on the other hand goes to school and does nothing else. She even refuses to do chores for pocket money.

The latest incident was DS came home with £400 trainers and £500 cash from working with his dad. DSD hit the roof and demanded the same amount be spent on new trainers for her and she also wanted £500 cash. I told her DS had earnt the cash working and his dad had bought the trainers - we simply don’t have that kind of money!! DP has now asked me to ask ex to treat them both the same which is ludicrous. His other suggestion was that I stop DS receiving these gifts and money which again isn’t going to happen as this has been going on since long before they moved in with us.

The next thing to come up is that DS is going to USA on holiday with his dad in summer which DP and DSD don’t yet know about.

This can’t work can it? AIBU to think we simply need to split up as things will never be equal between them?

OP posts:
MILTOBE · 19/04/2024 12:20

Well your son is very indulged and your step daughter sounds jealous.

Your partner sounds insane, frankly, if he thinks your ex would treat someone he doesn't know the same as his own son.

It was always going to be difficult having the two living together. Is your ex as generous to you?

Original poster
SlimShaddy · 19/04/2024 12:21

MILTOBE · 19/04/2024 12:20

Well your son is very indulged and your step daughter sounds jealous.

Your partner sounds insane, frankly, if he thinks your ex would treat someone he doesn't know the same as his own son.

It was always going to be difficult having the two living together. Is your ex as generous to you?

He pays child maintenance but I don’t get a penny other than that, nor would I want to

OP posts:
piscesangel · 19/04/2024 12:22

If it was just DSD's reaction but your DP was on the same page about managing it, I would think there was hope that could be achieved. But given what you've said about your DP's response I think it's a lost cause, sorry OP

purpleme12 · 19/04/2024 12:27

Oh my god no of course his ex can't buy stuff for the other kid as well that's ludicrous! 😂
And yes as much as I think he gets a ridiculous amount spent on him if that's how it's been then that's how it's going to carry on.

What work is he doing though at this age to earn that amount??

MidnightPatrol · 19/04/2024 12:27

A life lesson for your DSD I am afraid.

I would also suggest you sit your DS down annd explain how fortunate he is, and how this might make others feel, including DSD. He is old enough to understand this.

I don’t really think it’s appropriate for a 12 year old to have £500 in cash, perhaps you need to speak to you ex about this money being put in savings or similar.

Your DP is mad to think your ex would be buying his DD expensive gifts however - if he wants his DD to have fancy trainers he will need to fund that himself.

This is the reality of a ‘blended family’ - your DS can’t miss out on eg a trip to the US with his dad because DSD can’t go. That’s not reasonable.

Does DSD have anything she’s interested in? I’m sure you could find some cheap / free hobby activities she could do.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 19/04/2024 12:31

Not appropriate for two children with such a vast difference in wealth to be living in the same house. Really unfair and extremely poor/selfish decision making from the adults here.

LordSnot · 19/04/2024 12:31

You were hugely unreasonable to move in together. It doesn't matter if he said it would be fine, any idiot could see it wouldn't be.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 19/04/2024 12:33

LordSnot · 19/04/2024 12:31

You were hugely unreasonable to move in together. It doesn't matter if he said it would be fine, any idiot could see it wouldn't be.

By that logic though it's going to be unreasonable with any other step child because it isn't normal for a child of that age to be able to "earn" that kind of money.
What work is he doing that he can earn that kind of money in a weekend? That's more than some adults earn in a week

purpleme12 · 19/04/2024 12:34

That's what I asked too!

Gymmum82 · 19/04/2024 12:36

Tell her he got it from his dad. Where is her mum? Tell her to ask her mum for it.

Your partner and SD are being ridiculous. Obviously she’s jealous but expecting your ex to treat them the same is insane

LordSnot · 19/04/2024 12:37

Itloggedmeoutagain · 19/04/2024 12:33

By that logic though it's going to be unreasonable with any other step child because it isn't normal for a child of that age to be able to "earn" that kind of money.
What work is he doing that he can earn that kind of money in a weekend? That's more than some adults earn in a week

Show quote history

Yes it would be unreasonable with any other step child. Not sure what your point is.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 19/04/2024 12:40

LordSnot · 19/04/2024 12:37

Yes it would be unreasonable with any other step child. Not sure what your point is.

Show quote history

I think in a round about way we're in agreement here.

HappiestSleeping · 19/04/2024 12:40

Does your ex have any work for me? I would work half a day on a Saturday for £500.

Also, you should be careful about that much money being classed as 'work' and paid for in cash as there are potential tax implications.

I'd do it for cash though.

DeleteIfNotAloud · 19/04/2024 12:42

£500 for doing a day's work? WTAF is he doing ???

UghFletcher · 19/04/2024 12:42

OP I'm in a similar position that my DS grandparents are wealthy and indulge him a lot. We are comfortable but don't have anything like the disposable income they have. I've advised them that they can buy what they like but the caveat is it stays at their house or put into a savings account.

Your ex is unreasonable for giving a child £500 cash for work done over a weekend. That's obscene and setting unrealistic expectations for later years and earnings.

You need to set some boundaries here for your ex along the same lines

Allshallbewell2021 · 19/04/2024 12:45

You can't build a new family without any consideration for the impact on each other.

I think some discretion at the very least from the son and your partner needs to manage this with his d.

Or you throw in the towel. But it could happen again couldn't it?

I feel for the girl as this is the age of these things mattering hugely.

Original poster
SlimShaddy · 19/04/2024 12:46

Sorry I didn’t explain it very well, the cash wasn’t for a days work, it was a project he’s been working on for a month (basically decorating and DIY) - he doesn’t get that amount every week!

OP posts:
Original poster
SlimShaddy · 19/04/2024 12:48

Gymmum82 · 19/04/2024 12:36

Tell her he got it from his dad. Where is her mum? Tell her to ask her mum for it.

Your partner and SD are being ridiculous. Obviously she’s jealous but expecting your ex to treat them the same is insane

Her mum is unemployed and sofa surfing. No child maintenance coming from that one

OP posts:
Wishimaywishimight · 19/04/2024 12:50

I realise DSD might see the new trainers but why does she know about the cash? Is DS bragging? If so, can you ask him not to make a big deal out of the things dad is buying for him?

Otherwise, that's just life really. DS has a wealthy dad, DSD doesn't. Bonkers of your DP to suggest your ex supports a stranger's (to him) child.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/04/2024 12:51

One suggestion would that your ex puts some of the money away eg a Junior ISA for DS so he will still benefit in the longer term but it would be a bit less in your face for your DSD?

Original poster
SlimShaddy · 19/04/2024 12:51

MidnightPatrol · 19/04/2024 12:27

A life lesson for your DSD I am afraid.

I would also suggest you sit your DS down annd explain how fortunate he is, and how this might make others feel, including DSD. He is old enough to understand this.

I don’t really think it’s appropriate for a 12 year old to have £500 in cash, perhaps you need to speak to you ex about this money being put in savings or similar.

Your DP is mad to think your ex would be buying his DD expensive gifts however - if he wants his DD to have fancy trainers he will need to fund that himself.

This is the reality of a ‘blended family’ - your DS can’t miss out on eg a trip to the US with his dad because DSD can’t go. That’s not reasonable.

Does DSD have anything she’s interested in? I’m sure you could find some cheap / free hobby activities she could do.

We’ve tried her with a few things but she can never be arsed to keep it up. She tried Judo and got bored of it, performing arts - couldn’t be arsed to get up in time on a Saturday morning … dance - didn’t want to go back out after school as it was cold etc etc

Horse riding she kept up for a few weeks but again ditched it when it got cold. We’ve tried!

OP posts:
Marghogeth · 19/04/2024 12:52

How on Earth did you and your partner think this was a good idea? FFS. Sort it and at least live separately if not break up, before you damage DSD for life.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 19/04/2024 12:53

I have absolutely not clue what the DSD is being ALLOWED to behave like this. It isn’t her dad. She needs telling about life. You absolutely should not stop your son from benefitting from his parent just to keep the step kids happy. If you’re partner and the kid can’t deal with it then they have to go!

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 19/04/2024 12:55

There's only going to be more and more resentment here.

You can't possibly ask your ex to change his behaviour towards his son to accommodate a child that has nothing to do with him.

Living together while the kids are teens isn't going to work out, you can live apart but still be together, if that's what you want.

JustMarriedBecca · 19/04/2024 12:56

I'm confused as to how this is damaging for DSD? People aren't suggesting she be treated like DS are they? He's presumably only earning £15-20 an hour if it's £100 for an afternoon? OK it's more than minimum wage but marginal.

Tell the little madam to get off her bottom and get a job and explain that not everyone has equal incomes. Maybe it'll make her think more about her future.

But also yes, a discussion with DS about income, PAYING TAX on earnings, savings etc. might well also be sensible. But that's a separate issue to DSD.