Financial issues between DS and DSD

[SlimShaddy]

My partner and I live together with my DS (12) and his DD (13). I warned him before he moved in that DS’s father is wealthy and DS benefits greatly from this such as schooling, clothes, holiday and possessions etc. I on the other hand am not wealthy and neither is DP. He said this wasn’t an issue.

it was fine for the first few months but DSD soon started getting jealous of DS. He basically gets whatever he wants including state of the art laptop, latest iPhone, expensive gaming PC, designer clothes etc etc however, he works most of the weekend with his dad and “earns” cash for doing so.

This basically means he’s at school all week, has martial arts 2 nights a week, martial arts on Saturday morning and then works Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning. DSD on the other hand goes to school and does nothing else. She even refuses to do chores for pocket money.

The latest incident was DS came home with £400 trainers and £500 cash from working with his dad. DSD hit the roof and demanded the same amount be spent on new trainers for her and she also wanted £500 cash. I told her DS had earnt the cash working and his dad had bought the trainers - we simply don’t have that kind of money!! DP has now asked me to ask ex to treat them both the same which is ludicrous. His other suggestion was that I stop DS receiving these gifts and money which again isn’t going to happen as this has been going on since long before they moved in with us.

The next thing to come up is that DS is going to USA on holiday with his dad in summer which DP and DSD don’t yet know about.

This can’t work can it? AIBU to think we simply need to split up as things will never be equal between them?

My post didn’t make sense as I rambled on for a while. My point is I have 2 older sisters who have enough like a house and food on the table (like your DSD she has a roof over her head, food and seems like you have her the chance to do some amazing activities). Even though my 2 older siblings have enough they feel they are struggling financially as I am more wealthy than them. My kids can do more stuff so the nieces/nephews feel jealousy and I feel I have to hide it from my siblings as the jealously is evident. So my pint is don’t make your DS feel bad, he should not be showing off but your DSD is old enough to get that some people have more than her and she has more than a lot of people.

I don’t think it can work no. Mainly because your partner is being ridiculous and his daughter is jealous. What your son’s dad buys him is nothing to do with your partner or his daughter.

They’re just very different kids. DSD for example refuses to tidy her room, it’s an absolute tip with mucky clothes all over the floor, rubbish, used pots all over … DS on the other hand is very particular, vacuums his room twice a week, changes and washes his bedding once a week … his room is immaculate but the flip side of that is he gets very stressed out if stuff is moved (which DSD goes in and does regularly for a laugh such as putting his slippers in his bed or reorganising his books etc)
DS can’t just sit and relax, he has to be doing something at all times, as I said Martial arts Saturday morning, a quick bite to eat and then work until 6pm - back out Sunday morning at 7:30 for work. DSD gets up at lunch time. They were always going to have vastly different lives.

yes DS is at private school.

He doesn’t flash cash as far as I know, the reason we knew he had the £500 was because he asked if we could get a takeaway, I said no as it’s too expensive and he said he’d pay for it as he got £500 off his dad. I didn’t even know about it until then.

This is hardly going to traumatise DSD for life, is it. Isn't this part of life? Learning that sometimes people have more than you, and sometimes people have less? Learning that you can't always have what you want?
If her best friend at school was loaded and had loads of spare cash, you'd talk it through with her and explain that her parents are better off, encourage her to appreciate what she's got, suggest activities she can join/things you can do together, then move on. Any further complaints to be met with 'yep. Life's not fair sometimes'
I'm really confused as to why anyone thinks this is a 'poor DSD' situation - it's not like her dad is giving DS money and not her, ts got nothing to do with her? This is part of life! Learning how to deal with jealousy and having less is just part of life isn't it? Equally, part of life to explain to DS that its good form to not discuss money or big ticket items too heavily around those who have less. Its parenting.

I'm so confused at some of the responses - she needs parenting through these normal emotions of envy and jealousy, it's not a thing you reconsider a household over - your other half needs to step up to the plate and do some actual parenting here OP.

These sorts of situations are why I'm very skeptical about threads on here where people insist every child in the blended household has to be treated the same by extended family.

The bottom line is that (usually) each child has a mother and a father and they have extended family from their mum/dad's side. Nobody is obliged to go out their way to even things out or financially provide for children just because their parents happen to be in a relationship.

Your ex has no obligation to your new partner's child. Your partner's child has two parents of their own. I can see that your DP and DSDs attitude is going to become a wedge though. An entitled attitude doesn't look good.

Good on your son for getting out and doing something and earning - it is a good ethic to have in life and your DSD should learn from him.

Possibly some lessons to be learn though in how he behaves with his wealth. Help to show him the good side of having money - not flaunting it but putting it towards something that will help further him. DSD is probably jealous if she seems him displaying his situation but is he goading her? Did he have to tell her that he had £500 in cash? Being humble about his dad's generosity would be far easier for your DSD and partner to accept than possibly him flashing it around?

This - good advice. It might be that DS didn’t boast as such - he might have just mentioned it when he walked through the door and DSD overheard - but it would be wise to ask him to bear her feelings in mind. It would be better for your ex to be saving for him, to be honest, than giving him cash.

But your DP needs to parent properly. DSD could find Saturday work at hairdressers - ours take 13 year olds to sweep up, make drinks and after a while they’re trained to wash hair. And his suggestion about your ex chipping in for his daughter is ridiculous.

@MaybeSmaller but he is earning it for himself, he's working with his dad and earned the £500 over the course of a months work. How is that not teaching him about money?

Exactly

Well I don't see how a blended family can work if one child in the household is basically Richey Rich and can wave wads of banknotes and flash expensive designer clothes at his downtrodden step sister. If that's somehow what that child's life has to be like then you don't make that decision to blend in the first place.

I'm not saying everything has to be absolutely equal but in this case the disparity is extreme.

What a difficult situation, not helped by your DP at all. DSD is actually being nasty to your DS. Your DS sounds like a good lad and you need to be careful you don't ruin your relationship with him. You need to put him first, having to live with someone who is so jealous of him and moves this things just to upset him, is going to make him distance himself more and more from you.

Chances are he’ll be going into business with his dad. Thats the plan so far anyway.

Dsd needs to learn that life is unfair, tough. I wouldn’t split up over it, just ignore dsd. If you bf acts like a child then yes split up.

I mean on the open job market. Getting pocket money from his Dad for doing odd jobs around the house isn't earning it for himself.

Why are you inflicting these two on your child??
Why are you allowing her to be nasty to your child?
Move out and stop trying to make this work. Your ds has a lifestyle that his dad is willingly maintaining- that is no one's business. I don't know why you aren't angry that this pair have the audacity to even ask you about this??

That's due to the decision that adults have made though, this kid, who, it sounds like, works hard, shouldn't have to have weekend shoes, and a weekend phone etc to spare the feelings of someone else.

It doesn't sound like he's having wads of cash, and he's just wearing his clothes and using his stuff normally.

@SlimShaddy what is your boyfriend doing to better his prospects to provide the life he believes his princess is entitled to?

@MaybeSmaller where did OP state that it was pocket money for odd jobs? At the same age I was working in the family business during school holidays and had the same responsibilities as anyone else who was paid to do the same role. There's nothing in OPs post to suggest the child is getting money for doing very little. If anything her DS is likely to have a far better work ethic than many of his peers when he comes to the open job market by virtue of his experience of earning his own money,

Absolutely nothing

Your priority is your son. He is fortunate to have a generous and well off dad. He is your son for life, dsd isn’t your child, she is her mother’s and as you refer to a partner then she isn’t even your step daughter at all, just your bf daughter. Unbelievable grifter attitude by this father and daughter.

Plus your ex will likely laugh in your face if you ask for funds for the girl. Don’t you dare give a penny of your sons money to them.

Thank you, he works extremely hard every weekend. The only downtime he has all week is Sunday evening

I think you should counter your DPs suggestion of your ex giving money to his child, fucking ludicrous as that is, with the more sensible option of him and his DD moving out.

Well there you go. Everything you need to know about this shit show!

I was just going to say this.

I don’t think your current situation can work OP which is not the fault of your DS. His dad is entitled to gift him clothes, trainers and money. Your DSD needs to accept that as does your DP. She shouldn’t be going into his room and messing around with his things, I’d be having a serious word with her dad about that, that’s unacceptable and I’m sure if it was your DS going into her room there would be hell to pay. I think your DP is living in cloud cuckoo land expecting your ex to treat his daughter the same as your son, tell him to go and get a better job if he wants his child to have £400 trainers etc and not expect someone whose not related to his daughter to supply these things.

Our DC live a similar life that your DS does, they’re not entitled nor do they flash money around and they also did jobs for cash when they were younger. At the end of the day your DSD will always come across people who are wealthier than her/have nicer things, it’s a fact of life.

£500 cash for a 12 yo is quite ridiculous, especially one who already has the best of everything anyway. But good that he’s earned it and has motivation. Maybe you could speak to his dad about the majority of this money going into a savings account instead for when he’s older. And talk to DS about being more discreet about what he has. There was no need for DSD to know about the £500 - although of course other things are harder to hide. DSD on the other hand has no motivation to do any chores for pocket money, so make it very clear DS EARNS it (even if it’s way more than a 12yo would usually earn).

As you said, you discussed this with you partner before you moved in, and you can’t expect his dad to not treat his son the way he wants to when he has the means to spoil him (although over indulging isn’t necessarily great). You can expect DS to try and be discreet about things though, and you can expect DSD to work towards the things she wants, even if the reward won’t be as big as what her step brother gets. If your DP continually makes you feel guilty about this though, then I don’t see how it can work.