Financial issues between DS and DSD

[SlimShaddy]

My partner and I live together with my DS (12) and his DD (13). I warned him before he moved in that DS’s father is wealthy and DS benefits greatly from this such as schooling, clothes, holiday and possessions etc. I on the other hand am not wealthy and neither is DP. He said this wasn’t an issue.

it was fine for the first few months but DSD soon started getting jealous of DS. He basically gets whatever he wants including state of the art laptop, latest iPhone, expensive gaming PC, designer clothes etc etc however, he works most of the weekend with his dad and “earns” cash for doing so.

This basically means he’s at school all week, has martial arts 2 nights a week, martial arts on Saturday morning and then works Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning. DSD on the other hand goes to school and does nothing else. She even refuses to do chores for pocket money.

The latest incident was DS came home with £400 trainers and £500 cash from working with his dad. DSD hit the roof and demanded the same amount be spent on new trainers for her and she also wanted £500 cash. I told her DS had earnt the cash working and his dad had bought the trainers - we simply don’t have that kind of money!! DP has now asked me to ask ex to treat them both the same which is ludicrous. His other suggestion was that I stop DS receiving these gifts and money which again isn’t going to happen as this has been going on since long before they moved in with us.

The next thing to come up is that DS is going to USA on holiday with his dad in summer which DP and DSD don’t yet know about.

This can’t work can it? AIBU to think we simply need to split up as things will never be equal between them?

Tell your son he shouldn't be flashing wads of cash and showing off expensive gifts. That most adults don't have that kind of money and he will alienate people by being flash. He needs to bear his step sisters feelings in mind as you can't provide the same stuff. If he has to show things off in front of her either be more subtle or offer to share. Showing a 12 yo 'earning' 500 for a few hours work is not teaching your daughter the realities of the world. He must respect this.

And for everyone saying she is too young to get a job. She could do things like Red Cross Babysitting certificates to get qualified and babysit etc. to earn money.

But she needs to think of these ideas herself and be less blinking entitled

There are adults posting on here weekly about how unfair it is that their siblings get extra cash from parents/relatives/inheritance.

A teenage girl can't be expected to act more mature than adults.

It sounds completely unworkable.

Does your ds go to private school? He shouldn't be flashing cash and expensive stuff (if he is). It's between you and your ex how you parent your son.

It doesn’t sound the your and dp’s little family units are compatible. Different financial priorities, different work ethics, different values. Doesn’t sound feasible to me.

As for your DP suggesting your ex pay for stuff for his own child: sorry but that would put me right off him (your DP). That’s beyond lame. Add to that a child he’s raising to not bother and be okay with laziness...doesn’t sound great to me!

The next thing to come up is that DS is going to USA on holiday with his dad in summer which DP and DSD don’t yet know about.

Just wondering if your dp's idea will be that ex takes dsd to USA too...!

I don’t think it’s realistic to suggest a 13 year old should be seeking paid employment.

Unless they know someone who trusts her… people don’t leave their children in the care of 13 year olds.

Even if it's for a project it's still a lot of cash and i think it's irresponsible off dad to do this. Put it in an account.

Saturday jobs and paper rounds are still a thing.

You don't have to pay tax on £500 from your dad for goodness sake! It's just pocket money.

Pretty mean to wave it about in front of his step sister though - unless he wants to share it with her he should be more discreet

Yes it is completely unworkable and your partner is insane to suggest your ex covers his daughtrr
the holiday is fine but I do think it sounds as if he is over indulging and not actually teaching your son the value of money or goods

Only 15 to 20 am hour?
He's 12

Paper rounds possibly although I’m not sure how keen I’d be for my 13 year old daughter to be cycling through traffic in the dark before school.

Saturday jobs aren’t hiring 13 year olds. The market for that kind of labour has changed dramatically in the last couple of decades.

If your partner wants that sort of life for his daughter then why doesn't he pull his finger out and earn more so he can treat her? It's not up to your ex to do it. Maybe it will inspire your partner and his daughter to see what hard work can get you.

Hopefully that will counteract the influence of the unemployed mother.

I think you need to be clear with DSD that although you have a combined family, the two children also have separate families. Those separate families are within their rights to provide any resources they see fit to their own children and you have no control over that. Yes it is unfair but it is an example of inequality which is huge across the population. Here it just happens to apply to 2 people living in the same household. I think you need to acknowledge to her that it is unfair, in a similar way to unfairness between two classmates who have very different resources.

I worked in a hair salon for 10+ years (left only a few short years ago) and we had two to three 13-15y/o girls working every Saturday and a couple during the week after school. We had two cafes and a deli on our street, all had school-aged children helping out on Saturdays. We probably had over 30 young people through our door in a 10 year period, some came only for a few months, some remained with us for many years. We never advertised a position but would often have kids and their parents come in with CVs. So I am pretty sure the jobs are there for those who are a little more proactive in looking for them and for those kids whose parent's aren't anxious about their little darlings crossing the road or boiling a kettle by themselves.

Well you could start by insisting that any large money amounts have to go into an ISA and any expensive gifts or piles of cash need to stay at his Dad's house.

If his Dad wants to buy him a state of the art iPhone, gaming PC, laptop, trainers etc. and pay him £500 for a few odd jobs then that's up to him, but then all that stuff stays at his house, it doesn't get carted back to your house.

It's utterly ridiculous that your ex gives your DS £500 in cash that he can come back to yours with and wave in your DSD's face. Your poor DSD. No wonder her Dad is furious.

It’s absolutely not your ex’s responsibility to fund your step daughter and it’s quite frankly pathetic that your partner jumped to that instead of parenting his own child.

She’s quite capable of going and getting a paper round or newsagent job or the numerous other ways kids can earn cash…. IF she can be arsed which you say she cannot. So there’s a life lesson.

Absolutely no way should your son miss out because simply because his mum has picked a less financially well off partner than his dad? It’s just not real life. What next, the whole class can’t ever wear expensive shoes because she’s in the class, a restaurant has to empty out because people in there earn more than her parents? Ridiculous.

Your partner doesn't sound very level headed or reasonable

Your son is over-sharing with DSD about the money, I get some things he can't hide though. Do you think he is rubbing it in a bit? I would talk to him about that.

DSD is obviously jealous and doesn't really get it - she is still a child though. Her dad should've protected her and not moved in with you. It is damaging for a child to see a 'sibling' being treated so differently.

Your ex is massively over-indulging your son - possibly to your son's detriment. I know a few very wealthy people and they definitely do not just give lots of high value items/cash to their kids 'because they can'. Not a lot you can do about that though?

This blended family was never going to work, even though you and your partner had the best intentions.

Your DP is being unreasonable, there's nothing that can be done about it. The only think I'd do from your perspective is to suggest to your DS that he doesn't brag or go on about his money, trainers etc. Does the DSD even need to know he earned £500? If your DP won't agree, I think it'd be better to live separately even if you keep the relationship going.

@MaybeSmaller so the Ds loses out on access to his possessions? Because another child doesn't understand life isn't fair?

And when he decides to live with his father what then?

Your DP did his daughter a disservice moving his daughter in. It isn't anyone else's fault. Surely he knew the differences?

Why on earth should this lad not be allowed his own shoes, phone, laptop etc at his own home?

"Sorry son, you're not allowed to wear anything that cost over £50 here in case it upsets someone that I decided to move into your home"

That's absolutely ridiculous.

Well you did warn your DP. Id sit your son down and have a quiet word about not bragging and being mindful of DSD, maybe even suggest letting her share some of his things like the gaming gadgets to make her feel a bit better. Then I'd get DP to sit DSD down and explain that DS has a wealthy father and whilst it's not fair, that is life and you cant control what he gives his own son. Asking your ex to find DSD is ludicrous and if he can't see reason when he's calm then I'd be ending the relationship.

£20 an hour is equivalent to a full time salary of over £40K a year. Most adults in the UK don't earn that, and this is a 12-year-old.
He is being taught a poor lesson about the value of money and he is in for a rude shock when he has to go out and earn it himself.