Financial issues between DS and DSD

[SlimShaddy]

My partner and I live together with my DS (12) and his DD (13). I warned him before he moved in that DS’s father is wealthy and DS benefits greatly from this such as schooling, clothes, holiday and possessions etc. I on the other hand am not wealthy and neither is DP. He said this wasn’t an issue.

it was fine for the first few months but DSD soon started getting jealous of DS. He basically gets whatever he wants including state of the art laptop, latest iPhone, expensive gaming PC, designer clothes etc etc however, he works most of the weekend with his dad and “earns” cash for doing so.

This basically means he’s at school all week, has martial arts 2 nights a week, martial arts on Saturday morning and then works Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning. DSD on the other hand goes to school and does nothing else. She even refuses to do chores for pocket money.

The latest incident was DS came home with £400 trainers and £500 cash from working with his dad. DSD hit the roof and demanded the same amount be spent on new trainers for her and she also wanted £500 cash. I told her DS had earnt the cash working and his dad had bought the trainers - we simply don’t have that kind of money!! DP has now asked me to ask ex to treat them both the same which is ludicrous. His other suggestion was that I stop DS receiving these gifts and money which again isn’t going to happen as this has been going on since long before they moved in with us.

The next thing to come up is that DS is going to USA on holiday with his dad in summer which DP and DSD don’t yet know about.

This can’t work can it? AIBU to think we simply need to split up as things will never be equal between them?

I've just reread and realised that he moved in with you. If someone moved in with me and left the bedroom in a mess like you'll stepdaughter is doing I would tell them to get out again. I just couldn't bear it.

Option C
your DP man’s up / behaves like an adult and parents his child.

the fact he even had the audacity to ask you to ask your Ex to pay money towards HIS child tells me he is the problem as much as DSD’s attitude.

honestly you are on a hiding to nothing with these two. They need to move out…

also your DS and Ex are doing nothing wrong and personally I think their arrangement is fine.

I feel bad for your step daughter- her father really sold her short agreeing to move the kids in together when you already explained the differences & continue to call your sons money 'earnings' (what 12 year old earns £500 for a weekend ?!?) But that's not your sons fault either
& you knew it'd be a problem beforehand

It sounds like this might be a turning point in her life & the view on you all when she's older won't be pretty unfortunately.

But other then separating the households again or trying to earn more money between you & your partner I don't know what else can be done ?

I just want to clear up any misconceptions that DS is basically strutting around throwing money in the air, he really isn’t. This £500 was for a full month of weekend work where he was working non-stop 12pm - 6pm Saturday and 7:30 - 2pm Sundays. There was Easter week too where he did some other work with his dad (although that wasn’t manual work). His dad doesn’t throw money at him and tells him to go wild with it … example being last month he payed him for his work and suggested he buy himself some things to improve his work such as work boots, gloves etc. it’s never forced but the suggestion is enough. He also buys his hobby equipment/licence/gradings etc out of this money which means it’s never expected from me to fund his hobby.

He is extremely careful with his belongings (obsessively so) so it’s not like he just buys stuff and neglects it. The PS5 he had has basically been given to DSD as he never has time to play on it and didn’t want her in his room so she does benefit from it too in some ways.

He’s generous but obsessive so if he shares something with her (such as his laptop) he ends up giving her it (she changed the desktop picture and moved icons around, he couldn’t handle it so just gave her it). When he realised he needed a new laptop as he’d given that one away, his dad said no. Now he’s saving for a new one.

He’s not as spoilt as I made it sound in the OP

I’m not trying to diminish how difficult the adjustment to a blended family is for your dsd but your DS has given her a laptop and a ps5 and in repayment she’s going to his room disrupting things just to wind him up and have a laugh and she’s throwing tantrums when he gets trainers and she doesn’t.

This really isn’t go to work and it definitely isn’t going to work if her dad doesn’t step up and start parenting her rather than nursing unreasonable expectations that your ex even things up for her.

I think your son sounds great but I think his dad should talk to him about the best thing to do with his money. He shouldn't be offering to buy a takeaway for the family or anything like that with his wages.

He is being taught a poor lesson about the value of money and he is in for a rude shock when he has to go out and earn it himself

With a private school education, an excellent work ethic and self discipline, I think you're being rather naive. Plus a wealthy parent too.

I think your son needs his laptop and PS5 back from DSD and he needs a lock for his room.

He shouldn't have to share if she can't respect his property.

You might also need to separate as your DBF sounds like a bit of a dick.

I'd work all bloody week for £500 😂

"Only earning £125 - £20 an hour" How out of touch with the real world are you? Minimum wage for under 18's is £6.40, hardly marginal.

I think ds sounds amazing and dsd sounds like a pain in the arse - but she's 13, and no-one will be giving her a job any time soon.

I'm not surprised that the 13 year old can't reconcile herself to the huge lifestyle difference the other child in the house enjoys and I do think the adults should have considered this before all moving in together. The adult may have said he was OK with it; was the child capable of understanding and consenting?

But I am surprised that the other adult can't seem to reconcile it either and thinks it's a problem for your ex to solve by changing how he treats his son or paying for the other child. And he's the one who said he could deal with it!

It clearly isn't working so it sounds like you'll have to split or just live separately again. Poor kids, more upheaval.

It's a complete mismatch all round, really, isn't it?

Your DS is expecting to work for his living and being encouraged to do so by you and his father, and your DSD is in training for a lifetime of sofa surfing aided and abetted by her parents, by the sound of it.

As for your DP expecting your DS's father to dumb down on the way he treats his own child...words fail me.

It sounds like you need to be thinking very seriously about whether to carry on with your current relationship.

Your boy sounds amazing. He's obviously had and will have big hand ups from his dad, but he's prepared to work for it and is kind and generous too.

"Tell the little madam to get off her bottom and get a job"

Even when I was 13, 40 years ago, there weren't many jobs for 13 year olds. I would imagine there are even less now. No amount of working is going to give her a wealthy father is it?
The 12 year old's "job" is under the table as well.

I just don't see how this relationship is going to work. Maybe if the kids were adults, but you have YEARS left of this. What if DS gets married eventually and his Dad forks out for a mega wedding? What if Dad buys him a new car for passing his test? What about uni funding? You can't control these things, it's entirely up to his Dad what he gives his child, so you are always going to have one resentful party and one guilty feeling party. I'd make the split personally and save a lifetime of issues. Allow both children to move on comfortably.

"DP has now asked me to ask ex to treat them both the same which is ludicrous. His other suggestion was that I stop DS receiving these gifts and money..."

DP's response is breathtakingly entitled. If he wants his daughter to have the same things as your son he needs to work harder/smarter and provide them. Failing that, he needs to actually parent his dd and explain that life is unfair and he and her mum can't provide her with as much as ds' dad and that's just the way it is.

Ultimately, though, I don't see how the relationship lasts. DP's entitlement would give me the permanent ick.

It wouldn't matter if your son was spoilt tbh. You can't take away from one child to appease another that is no bloody relation to them.

Your DP sounds pretty grabby IMO - who the fuck asks for their new parters ex' to subsidise their own child? Massive red flag. And DSD sounds manipulative - she is getting his things because he has no times to use them, and yet still complains.

This is only going to get worse, OP. What about when your son can drive? Or he leaves school and wants to go to Malia or do a years travelling? What will DSD do then?

This is going to end in tears and it's not going to work in the long term.

Your DP needs his head wobbling if he thinks it’s ok to ask your ex to treat his DD (a child he has not ties to or who he has probably never met) the same as his own genetic son!

"@MaybeSmallerwhere did OP state that it was pocket money for odd jobs? At the same age I was working in the family business during school holidays and had the same responsibilities as anyone else who was paid to do the same role."

How old are you that it was legal to work like an adult at age 12? It's been 13 for a long time with a lot of limits on what someone 13-16 can do.

I think you need to be wary of the 'obsessive' behaviour you say your son is experiencing. Could it be his anxiety showing about the dysfunction appearing in the family? It sounds like his step dd is a bit mean to him (understandably so as she is jealous). It doesn't seem like a healthy environment for either of them.

DP has now asked me to ask ex to treat them both the same

His other suggestion was that I stop DS receiving these gifts and money

IMO I think your DP should meet up with your Ex and put those requests to him in person.

Oh, he doesn't want to...OK.
Moving on..

I thought this too. It doesn't sound like he is very comfortable with this living situation and is on edge all the time. My OCD is so much worse when I'm anxious and stressed. He shouldn't be having to live with guilt, hiding his money and gifts or giving them away to DSD for an easy life. Totally unfair. I'm quite surprised he hasn't asked to live with his dad if he is made to feel so uncomfortable with your partner and his daughter. I would.

Can you imagine it the other way around? DSD mum is wealther, buys her things and takes on holidays. Would you even dream of demanding that she does the same for your DS? This is utterly ridiculous.

I think it was crazy to try and blend this situation, not fair on two children who have vastly different lives.

sorry @SlimShaddy but you should put your son first and LTB. he should feel safe and happy in his own home. DSD sounds awful which is not her fault as it sounds like her dad is facilitating her attitude. just get them out.