Financial issues between DS and DSD

[SlimShaddy]

My partner and I live together with my DS (12) and his DD (13). I warned him before he moved in that DS’s father is wealthy and DS benefits greatly from this such as schooling, clothes, holiday and possessions etc. I on the other hand am not wealthy and neither is DP. He said this wasn’t an issue.

it was fine for the first few months but DSD soon started getting jealous of DS. He basically gets whatever he wants including state of the art laptop, latest iPhone, expensive gaming PC, designer clothes etc etc however, he works most of the weekend with his dad and “earns” cash for doing so.

This basically means he’s at school all week, has martial arts 2 nights a week, martial arts on Saturday morning and then works Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning. DSD on the other hand goes to school and does nothing else. She even refuses to do chores for pocket money.

The latest incident was DS came home with £400 trainers and £500 cash from working with his dad. DSD hit the roof and demanded the same amount be spent on new trainers for her and she also wanted £500 cash. I told her DS had earnt the cash working and his dad had bought the trainers - we simply don’t have that kind of money!! DP has now asked me to ask ex to treat them both the same which is ludicrous. His other suggestion was that I stop DS receiving these gifts and money which again isn’t going to happen as this has been going on since long before they moved in with us.

The next thing to come up is that DS is going to USA on holiday with his dad in summer which DP and DSD don’t yet know about.

This can’t work can it? AIBU to think we simply need to split up as things will never be equal between them?

I'd take the ps5 & laptop off DSD and give it back to your son.

What a spoilt madam, tell her to get a paper round & start tidying your room and maybe you'd give her some pocket money.

And if your DP isn't happy maybe he should look for a better paying job than expecting your ex to pay for her as well?

@Gwenhwyfar it's perfectly legal at 13 years old to work in a family business during school holidays

As many have said, you have a DP problem.

If DSD doesn’t even want to do chores for money then she clearly doesn’t want the money enough.

Asking for ex to fund DSD is out of this world though, that’s major CF

On an income of £500 per month he's not going to be paying tax. Don't be daft.

Agree here...

The DSD doesn't sound as though she knows boundaries either.
Using/changing his laptop icons around bothered him to the extent that he gifts it to her.

She also shouldn't be going into his bedroom moving his belongings.
It's not a shared space and she has no right being in there.
Why isn't her dad pulling her up on this, it's an invasion your DS privacy.
Would she be happy if your DS done the same to her belongings?

You really need to speak up before it's to late before, as said by a PP your DS asks his dad if he can move in and live with him.

Your dsd is being a brat. We had a similar set up in my growing-up situation. Never once did I behave like she is. She needs parenting. She's being a teenager and they're tough. They use anything against parents. Be firm its not easy !

Perfect 13 year olds in situations like this are unusual, although naturally we all were such kids. Still, if we are still so mature and wonderful, we can surely appreciate that 13 year olds are still growing and learning - and this kind of envy is very common at all ages, plus the child isn't responsible for being in this situation.

Parenta shouldn't expect 13 year olds to have adult levels of maturity and serenity, especially when they're not modelling it themselves, like the partner.

I think your son sounds amazing and well down his dad for showing him the value of hard work (bit of anxiety in him though? Worth exploring?)

This relationship sounds doomed. Can’t see how it could ever be resolved.

I think it's interesting that your partner isn't using your son's example of hard work & being self-motivated to try to gee her up a bit. Instead he wants to downgrade your son's life. It seems unfair on him. He isn't lazy or entitled but he does have a wealthy parent so why shouldn't he benefit from it?

In the first instance, fix a lock to your son’s bedroom door tomorrow. Completely unacceptable that his belongings are messed with.

I’m wondering what either of these kids are getting out of this set up? This is what happens when adults don’t consider what’s best for their kids. And why are people blaming a 13 year old girl who probably never asked to be given a step mum (who hasn’t got one nice thing to say about her), and step brother. Oh and OP it doesn’t sound like you like your step daughter at all, you haven’t said one positive thing about her, but your ds is the dogs bollocks eh? I imagine that poor girl has that rubbed in her face a lot.

Split up, both kids will probably be happier.

She’s being a brat, whatever her reasons. You don’t have to have been a perfect child to recognise that - former and current brats are also capable of seeing it.

Unfortunately her father isn’t helping her not be one, given that he hasn’t stepped in and stopped her behaviour towards OP’s son, and that he thinks asking the DS’s father to pay for her is a reasonable thing to do. Dude is batshit.

He has and did for a while but his dad is never home, he’s working constantly and it just didn’t work.

To be fair though DS has always been obsessive with his stuff and obsessively tidy. It’s not unusual for him to get the vacuum cleaner out and start vacuuming the downstairs at 7am. His dad is the same

So your son has asked to live with his dad because of your stepdaughter and partner? And you let them stay?

How have you @SlimShaddy allowed your DS to feel so uncomfortable at his own home? How is your DSD allowed to wade into your DS' room and mess his belongings up? You as his mum need to stand up for him. Your need for a man should not trump over your DS' need of a safe and comfortable home.

No this was before they moved in! He wanted to live there as it was closer to school and they have a massive house with all the gear. The reality of it though wasn’t quite what he expected

I was responding to the person who was a perfect child and never once acted up to an effective step sibling getting a better lifestyle than they did, in a situation they didn't choose, at the wise, ripe old age of 13.

Yes, there are reasons for this discrepancy, of course the son's father doesn't have to pay for the girl or restrict his spending on his son and yes, the girl needs some parenting to help her reconcile this. But it was always a poor show to expect a child of that age to respond to a situation like this - which she didn't create - as if she were the Dalai Lama. Her father clearly doesn't model a good reaction either.

But even if he did, isn't anyone else a bit tired of adults choosing a situation that suits them and then calling the children brats and crapping on them because they don't respond with a wisdom and serenity that plenty of people 30 years older don't possess - often including the parents?

Bf moved in to your house? Is there a mortgage? What does he pay?

That's more than I earn in a month (albeit part time!).

This.

I can totally understand how hard it would be for a young person to feel that they are missing out. With that in mind her dad should be supporting her by improving his own situation if he wants her to have more, and chatting with her about the value of hard work/money etc. Instead it looks like when you spoke to your dp and he suggested it’s for your ex to resolve the situation you found the cause of this girl’s entitlement for more while doing nothing for it.

Every person that behaves badly has a reason for it, whether you personally consider the reason to have weight or not. Understanding why provides context, but it doesn’t excuse it nor lessen the impact of said behaviour on others. Bratty behaviour is bratty behaviour, and I see no problem with recognising it as such.

I don’t think not being jealous is ‘perfect’ - some people genuinely are less inclined to jealousy than others, and there are also those that may be jealous, but have been taught that said emotion is something they have to manage (and how to do so) rather than something everyone around them is obliged to pander to.

She’s behaving in a shitty way, same as the adult posters you reference also behave in a shitty way based on misguided sense of entitlement. Unfortunately if there is no intervention now it’s very likely she will grow into one of those adults.

A very sharp conversation with DP about the absurdity of his expectations might make him pull his socks up in relation to your Ex funding his DD, but I doubt it.

I do see why it would be hard for DSD to see the disparity, but her attitude in general makes it difficult to be too sympathetic. And your DS isn’t doing anything wrong, it would be unfair to change what he has access to in order to appease your DP.

Is the relationship working out otherwise, OP? Is your DP pulling his weight in the house financially and with housework?

I ask because he seems to feel entitled to your Ex’s money for his DD, he seems fine with her doing little around the house or to better her own life and you say he does nothing to increase his own income. So I’m wondering if he is actually a bit of a cocklodger himself?

Your poor DSD - I feel awful for her. Her mum is sofa surfing and her 'step brother' is getting £400 trainers?

We all know life is unfair but that's too brutal a disparity.

Life isn't all about money - it's about who you are as a person, how you spend your time. Those are the lessons your household needs - otherwise it won't work.