Financial issues between DS and DSD

[SlimShaddy]

My partner and I live together with my DS (12) and his DD (13). I warned him before he moved in that DS’s father is wealthy and DS benefits greatly from this such as schooling, clothes, holiday and possessions etc. I on the other hand am not wealthy and neither is DP. He said this wasn’t an issue.

it was fine for the first few months but DSD soon started getting jealous of DS. He basically gets whatever he wants including state of the art laptop, latest iPhone, expensive gaming PC, designer clothes etc etc however, he works most of the weekend with his dad and “earns” cash for doing so.

This basically means he’s at school all week, has martial arts 2 nights a week, martial arts on Saturday morning and then works Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning. DSD on the other hand goes to school and does nothing else. She even refuses to do chores for pocket money.

The latest incident was DS came home with £400 trainers and £500 cash from working with his dad. DSD hit the roof and demanded the same amount be spent on new trainers for her and she also wanted £500 cash. I told her DS had earnt the cash working and his dad had bought the trainers - we simply don’t have that kind of money!! DP has now asked me to ask ex to treat them both the same which is ludicrous. His other suggestion was that I stop DS receiving these gifts and money which again isn’t going to happen as this has been going on since long before they moved in with us.

The next thing to come up is that DS is going to USA on holiday with his dad in summer which DP and DSD don’t yet know about.

This can’t work can it? AIBU to think we simply need to split up as things will never be equal between them?

DP sounds like an entitled CF. I think when they hear about America it’s going to kick off again.

He clearly needs to earn more money but can’t be bothered.

Crickey, he's got to have something special going for him to make this worthwhile (the mind boggles) 😂

More seriously, what the heck is the appeal of this man? Seems to be entitled, workshy, has a rude and entitled daughter, and thinks other men (who DO work for a living and make a success of it) should bankroll his brattish kid! I agree with what another poster said - next thing he'll be telling OP that he can't pay for anything, it's all going to the daughter to 'appease' her. Run, run, run, OP - this one's got 'User' tattooed on his head.

OP's going to end up doing any 'bankrolling' here, the bloke's a leech.

So DP earnings £18k a year. His daughter needs to understand daddy doesn't earn a lot because he doesn't work a lot.

Honestly I couldn't bite my tongue if my partner was this lazy.

So DP earnings £18k a year. His daughter needs to understand daddy doesn't earn a lot because he doesn't work a lot.

Actually this 👆

That would be a very interesting conversation. "Son has good rewards because he works hard, and his dad works hard. You don't, and neither does your dad, QED you don't get good rewards"

I'd love to be a fly on the wall for that one.

Your son sounds very mature, sensible, ambitious and hard working. Yes he's very fortunate to have a dad that's well off, but he's not spoilt. He's being taught the lesson of earning money. He also keeps his room clean and is responsible and respectful of his living space, which I think in itself is amazing for a kid of that age.
In no way should he be punished for the jealousy or lack of ambition in DSD, by having DS' dad limit the arrangement they have. He shouldn't have to compromise to make others feel more comfortable just because they lack the opportunity and ambition he has, that really wouldn't be fair on him.
Your partner sounds pretty unreasonable also. Rather than agree with his daughters unreasonable demands, he should be guiding her into a more ambitious hard working mindset herself in order to be rewarded. And he should be funding those rewards himself through his own extra work, should he really think that his daughter deserve those rewards. I understand why she would feel left out but that doesn't mean your son should lose out just because her situation is different. They are not siblings, they have different parents so she is not entitled to what he gets from his own dad.
All due respect, but the arrangement that is going on between your son and his dad, has absolutely nothing to do with partner & DSD. You were clear from the get go and clearly he cannot handle this as much as he said he could.
I wonder whether he is mature enough to live together with separate Co-parenting situations to each other.

I can’t be the only one who is extremely put off by the idea of a dad not insisting his daughter stick with a hobby for a minimum of time, tidy her room occasionally and after the second complaint about money say you’ll be getting a job so you can earn money too if you complain about this one more time. Its parenting. The gifts would be hard to handle for any child, but that’s not the biggest issue here.

And he only works because you insisted he get a job?? That’s better than nothing I guess but you need to lift your expectations of a man for the next one. Someone who has a job and not just because his girlfriend said you can live at mine IF you get one.

That right there tells you everything you need to know about the relationship. Your DS is allowed to have whatever his Dad or you provide for him.
The fact that your NVDP and NVDSD are envious and jealous, yet do nothing to help themselves, is proof that it will not change and is that fair to you or your DS?

I hope she has gone off him, she certainly should! The mystery is what the OP saw in him to start with.

OMG you were mad!! What kind of people are these? A man working 16 hours a week, his ex sofa surfing, their DD spoilt and entitled???!!

You're easily pleased, is all I can say!! This lot will only drag you down. Imagine having to insist your partner works....

Your DS doesn't sound spoilt at all SlimShaddy, he actually sounds like a gem.

You've let a lazy, entitled asshole and his DD (who's walked all over your poor kid, fucking honestly!!!) slide right in to your home, his feet up, doing the bare minimum, thereby turning your son's home into such a battlezone he can't even buy a takeaway for YOU ALL without it kicking off, having to SAVE or a new laptop because you just gave the one he had away. The FUCK??? And now you want advice on what to do... Seriously, how is it not obvious? Installing locks and taking back his stuff isn't the fix you think it is.

Like NannyOg asked - also extremely curious - "what is his appeal?" But I guess as far as you're concerned, any man better than none...

I really miss @AnyFucker. She'd have been here asking whether this man had a golden cock, for you to put up with this sort of shit.

It's clear this relationship can't and won't work. Your DP is lazy and thinks other people should financially prop up both him and his DD with not only a roof over their heads and food/bills, but ALSO PS5, £400 trainers and £500 cash, etc etc.

He's a solid gold cocklodger (complete with child) and the pair of them need to go. They won't be jealous once they aren't having to look enviously on at the lifestyle you and DS have, thanks to the fact that the pair of you are prepared to work for what you want, will they?

Where did AnyFucker go? And yes, magical cock springs to mind!

😂😂 I think we are all thinking the same!! But even that wouldn't make up for his lazy arse ways and brattish kid

I don't know what happened to @AnyFucker. I hardly know who anyone is nowadays. She could be here, amongst us!

When you say 'it's all kicked off', exactly what has been kicked off, and by whom? Little Madam, your DP, or both?

There should have been no 'kicking off'. You were right to retrieve DS's things.

As far as moving forward, that's your decision. But I'd be talking about them moving out.

This situation is really not resolvable. Your DS is entitled to have the lifestyle his father can provide for him, no less and no more. He is DS's parent, he's entitled to share his hard work and good fortune with his son. Your DSD is entitled to have the lifestyle that HER parent(s) can provide for her, no less and no more. If her parents don't want to work harder and earn more in order to fund a better lifestyle for her, that is not your nor DS's problem. And certainly not DS's dad's problem! If DP and DSD can't accept that and be 'nice' about it then I don't see much hope for the future.

And chances are that in some way, DP and DSD ARE benefiting from DS's dad. You more than likely have more disposable income to use for your own household wants and needs because DS's dad funds so much for him.

Working 16 hours a week is the minimum figure required to qualify for working tax credit and child tax credit. This may have some connection with his former working hours.

"£18K is very low - is this for full-time work now - surely not..."

Up until the start of this month that would have been around 33 hours a week on minimum wage with a take home of £1,364 per month.

The minimum wage went up at the start of April and if he's still working around 33 hours then he'll be on £19.7k from this month with a take home of £1,467 per month.

For comparison, OP said she earns £30k, that gives her a take home of £2,064 per month.

These figures don't include any pension payments eg auto enrolment workplace pensions so the actual take home will be a bit smaller than this.

Your DSD sounds jealous. Difficult situation. I don’t think your DS should be stopped from having nice things because she wants equal treatment. I think it’s also really good your son has a nice relationship with his dad and is treated by him. Maybe ask your DS to be a bit more modest around DSD and try to not flaunt the gifts? Life isn’t equal unfortunately

@SlimShaddy

This seems to have been resurrected, but since it has....how are you doing? I hope things have been resolved to your satisfaction for you and DS, no matter what that resolution is.

Sorry didnt realise this was from last year before I posted 🤦‍♀️