Financial issues between DS and DSD

[SlimShaddy]

My partner and I live together with my DS (12) and his DD (13). I warned him before he moved in that DS’s father is wealthy and DS benefits greatly from this such as schooling, clothes, holiday and possessions etc. I on the other hand am not wealthy and neither is DP. He said this wasn’t an issue.

it was fine for the first few months but DSD soon started getting jealous of DS. He basically gets whatever he wants including state of the art laptop, latest iPhone, expensive gaming PC, designer clothes etc etc however, he works most of the weekend with his dad and “earns” cash for doing so.

This basically means he’s at school all week, has martial arts 2 nights a week, martial arts on Saturday morning and then works Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning. DSD on the other hand goes to school and does nothing else. She even refuses to do chores for pocket money.

The latest incident was DS came home with £400 trainers and £500 cash from working with his dad. DSD hit the roof and demanded the same amount be spent on new trainers for her and she also wanted £500 cash. I told her DS had earnt the cash working and his dad had bought the trainers - we simply don’t have that kind of money!! DP has now asked me to ask ex to treat them both the same which is ludicrous. His other suggestion was that I stop DS receiving these gifts and money which again isn’t going to happen as this has been going on since long before they moved in with us.

The next thing to come up is that DS is going to USA on holiday with his dad in summer which DP and DSD don’t yet know about.

This can’t work can it? AIBU to think we simply need to split up as things will never be equal between them?

It happens when a mum has kids by different dads. That is worse really as the kids are related. These kids aren’t related and may not even know each other in a few years.

@SlimShaddy it sounds like your DS is a lovely and hardworking lad. All any of us want as parents is for our children to benefit to the best of our ability from what we're able to provide for them in life. It sounds like your DS is fortunate to benefit from his father's income (and obviously yours!) so why shouldn't he be allowed to enjoy it. Nothing you've said here indicates that he's "flashing the cash" or using it to make DSD jealous so I think ultimately this is an issue for you and your DP to come to some agreement over. Your DS's lifestyle shouldn't have to take a hit just because you have a new partner who is unable to provide the same for his own daughter.

Your DS sounds like a nice kid- reliable, conscientious, a hard worker, generous (offering to buy a takeaway for you all).

My only concern is a 12 year old having so access to so much ready cash, and the “opportunities” that could present as he gets older.

Honestly I wouldn’t even get into it with your DP. Each of the kids under your roof have two parents who should be providing for them, and if he is unhappy with any inequality he should reconsider whether a blended family works for him and his dd.

No, it's not going to work.

Yup he will be minted and inherit lots too. Good on him lucky boy. Dsd even though she is not dsd unless you are married, got her 2 parents in life’s lottery …. I know a family like this where they are half siblings with different dads.

a project worked on for a month =/ ‘odd jobs around the house’.

His father is wealthy and has his own business. I highly doubt he isn’t also giving his son a financial education that will stand him in good stead as an adult. The value of money/hard work can look very different depending on individual perspective, and struggling for the sake of struggling isn’t automatically going to teach any valuable lessons (well, it might, but not necessarily the lessons you imagine it will).

I don't think you read the thread. Gifts aside, the son is earning his money doing jobs for dad as well as helping out with the running of the household at home (for "free"). The daughter neither contributes at home, nor has any interests/jobs outside the house yet wants the same "pocket money" (which isn't "pocket money" but a payment for work which took a month to complete).

The issue here is wider than just money - your DS is active, driven, generous and hard working and has example of success in front of him. In six years time he's likely either to go to a great uni or join his Dad's business. It is very likely judging by his attitude that he's going to be successful in life.
Your DSD on another hand is lazy, has not interests and just envious with example on unemployed sofa-surfing parent. It is most likely that she'll end up on some lower level of social ladder and will only bring jealousy and resentment to your family. Your DP will feed this dynamic.
Do you envisage this to be an enjoyable life?

Perhaps those adults weren't patented properly when they were dd's age. She needs to have life explained to her

I think your relationship is done. Your DP sounds dumb - does he honestly think your ex is going to pay for HIS DD just because he's paying for his own son?

And DSD is a typical idle, spoilt 13 year old. This is the way life works, princess. You work for money or you can't afford to buy things. DP is doing a very poor job in raising her. By the sound of it she's her mother's daughter!

I think you need to tell DP and DSD they need to move out. You and DS will be better off without them, the atmosphere in the house will be much better.

Earning only £15-£20 an hour
hahaha
OP there are 2 issues here:

• Yes, your DSD and DP are BU for being jealous and demanding she gets things that neither her own family nor you can afford.
• Your DS being showered with lavish gifts, £400 trainers? Perhaps you could ask your ex to dial it down a bit, out of consideration for your DSD (imagine how your son would feel if the tables were tirned). But also so you don't raise DS as an overly spoiled and materialistic person.

DSD's behaviour isn't great, being very demanding but refusing to put any effort in. Its pretty clear where she got this behavior - DP wants your ex to pay for stuff for HIS daughter, rather than him striving to earn more so he can provide it - its the same behaviour, but the difference is he is an adult and should know better.
I would though encourage your son to be a bit less 'flash with the cash'. He needs to understand that people have lots of different circumstances and its insensitive to boast. I'm guessing he goes to private school, but even then there will be children on scholarships, children whose parents work 3 jobs to scrape together the school fees as the state school system hasn't worked for their child, so its not appropriate to be flashy, and he needs to learn a bit of humility. He does sound like he has a great work ethic and will do well in whatever he does, as he shows commitment and drive.

As others have said, life isn't equal, and if you want something you need to go out and earn it. I appreciate she can't earn much now, but she could get pocket money for doing chores, working hard at school etc, but doesn't seem motivated

get a lock for your son's door, he is entitled to his bedroom in his home ( which it was before they moved in ) so the entitled little girl cannot get in his room.

it is not his problem nor his responsibility if his 'step' sister's parents cannot afford what his dad can - that's life
and in life this girl will learn that there are people that have and people that don't have and if she wishes to work hard then she can have too.

do not marry this man.
or at least not until both children are grown up and left home.

your son is so lucky, and on his behalf so are you too, that dad does buy the gifts etc. for him, so often on MN we hear of fathers not giving a single penny to/for their children.

and that was so kind of your son to offer to pay for the takeaway !

This with bells on.
If OP's DP had posted here everyone would have felt so sorry for him and his poor daughter.

OP can certainly do more to instill better values and some humility in her son, and to keep things from ex in his house. It's not that much to ask.

Unrealistic of people to suggest paper rounds and hair salons - these jobs are not that easy to find at 13, plus she'd never earn the kind of money to match her step brother!

What is your partner like? He seems to have chosen very badly with his ex and he doesn't seem to have raised his daughter to have any kind of work ethic. Is he a decent hard-working guy?

thats the thing, its a mix at times with situations like these, overal if you want something you have to try to make it happen, like me if i want and i did want tyres for gardening i had to make it happen

Absolutely nothing tells us everything.

I wouldn't want to live with him or his daughter. I wouldn't want his daughter near my son either.

but when thats part of a capitalist society, yes i can understand the morals of being more considerate.

It's funny how two people can read the same thread and almost read two different scenarios.

Maybe smaller read it as getting random amounts of cash for doing odd jobs around the house.

I read it as the dad maybe has his own building company or was a self employed trader and was basically teaching his son a trade and paying him for doing it.

The dad obviously earns a decent salary doing what he is doing and if DS shows an ability in that area then it's fantastic he is given the opportunity to learn.

With this type of experience he probably wouldn't have any problem looking for a job if this is what he wants to do.

DSD is a typical teenage girl by the sound of it, wants everything on a plate with minimal effort. Under normal circumstances it wouldn't be an issue or be so noticeable, but unfortunately when compared to DS, there is a huge difference and it is noticeable.

It would be grossly unfair to limit the opportunities open to DS, and well done dad for facilitating it.

So, as unfair as it might appear, DSD and DP need to suck it up and DSD (and DP) needs to realise that this is life, if you want to achieve anything you need to work for it, whether that's academically or financially.

Honestly op
This can only work if you sit down with your parent and highlight to him that you won't be a) asking your ex to stop treating his son( not that you could enforce that anyway) and b) you will not be asking your ex to fund some random. 13 year old girl . If he chooses to stay with you he needs to understand that your son will always have more than the rest of ye in the family by virtue of having a rich generous day. That's life . He needs to make his peace with it ( and teach his daughter to as well) or he moves out.

If DSD is messing with his room for laughs if you do decide to continue with the current situation it might be worth getting DS a lock for his room. That type of bullying is likely to get worse.

They're 12 & 13 🤣

The son hasn’t done anything that suggests he’s lacking in humility, or that he has poor values.

The reality of his life is that he has a wealthy father, and his opportunities as well as his belongings reflect that. His home with his mother is still his home that he should be free to relax in, and have his belongings in. Denying him his things and expecting him to walk on egg shells lest he say the wrong thing within his stepsister’s earshot will hardly ease tension, and is likely to just see him choose to live with his father full time.

Yanbu. Your DS has the privileges that come from having a wealthy parent and the rest of you don't. It's not reasonable to deprive DS of these things nor to expect DSD to be kept level. This isn't a blended family situation that can work.

This should have been kept to a casual dating relationship, not attempting to live together.

yes