Financial issues between DS and DSD

[SlimShaddy]

My partner and I live together with my DS (12) and his DD (13). I warned him before he moved in that DS’s father is wealthy and DS benefits greatly from this such as schooling, clothes, holiday and possessions etc. I on the other hand am not wealthy and neither is DP. He said this wasn’t an issue.

it was fine for the first few months but DSD soon started getting jealous of DS. He basically gets whatever he wants including state of the art laptop, latest iPhone, expensive gaming PC, designer clothes etc etc however, he works most of the weekend with his dad and “earns” cash for doing so.

This basically means he’s at school all week, has martial arts 2 nights a week, martial arts on Saturday morning and then works Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning. DSD on the other hand goes to school and does nothing else. She even refuses to do chores for pocket money.

The latest incident was DS came home with £400 trainers and £500 cash from working with his dad. DSD hit the roof and demanded the same amount be spent on new trainers for her and she also wanted £500 cash. I told her DS had earnt the cash working and his dad had bought the trainers - we simply don’t have that kind of money!! DP has now asked me to ask ex to treat them both the same which is ludicrous. His other suggestion was that I stop DS receiving these gifts and money which again isn’t going to happen as this has been going on since long before they moved in with us.

The next thing to come up is that DS is going to USA on holiday with his dad in summer which DP and DSD don’t yet know about.

This can’t work can it? AIBU to think we simply need to split up as things will never be equal between them?

I work, roughly £30k a year
he works, roughly £18k a year but he only works because I refused to move in with him until he got a job. He was working 16 hours a week when we met.

I think you've absolutely done the right thing, OP. The daughter's attitude can't continue like this.

And I think a word with your partner about showing some common sense and pride might be a good thing - the very idea of telling your ex to spend the same money on your partner's daughter is insane. I hope she isn't aware of what her father said - no wonder she's behaving this way if she did.

Except plenty have said it’s a terrible thing - aka that it has inevitably turned him into/ will turn him into a spoilt brat that flaunts his wealth and has no concept of ‘the real world’ or the ‘value of money’.

You’d have a point if I were judging her choices - I’m not. She is, as I clearly stated, free to make her own choices in regards to her own children. My point there was that other choices are equally valid, and, you know, live and let live 🤷🏻‍♀️

Of course my opinions are shaped by my own experiences, same as other people’s experiences will shape theirs. I haven’t claimed otherwise.

Good for you!

He’s only working because you made him get a job? And sounds like he’s doing bare minimum work wise now. Oh that’s grim @SlimShaddy and speaks volumes to some of the issues and attitude he and the daughter have.

I don’t think you all living together is going to work. Personally he and his DD would be moving out if it were me.

Well done OP for putting your foot down, whilst it may seem harsh on SD she needs to learn the simple fact that if you want something in life especially material things you don't get it by throwing a tantrum and making demands you need to go out and work for the money to pay for it. What did your DP and SD do when you took the laptop and PS5 back? What did they say about the lock being put on your sons bedroom door?

It sounds like a really grim situation OP. The son locking his valuable items in his room. The daughter the black sheep tarnished as a lazy jealous ‘madam’. Lack of partnership between the adults because of resentment over earning power and each others children. One child has a homeless mother and is hated by her stepmother. The other is having to guard his material possessions pitying his household who can’t afford a takeaway whilst he is flush with cash. I can’t see how you can build a cohesive family unit this way and I agree with PP that DSD will need trauma therapy. Have you considered couple/family therapy or have you gone off your partner completely anyway?

He only worked when you made it a condition of your relationship? If he was fit and fully able to work but choosing to only work for 16 hours a week, then I'd have seen a red flag waving from miles away. 'Shut the door on your way out' sounds an appropriate response. I'm sure he's quite happy that you're earning £30K. £18K is very low - is this for full-time work now - surely not - so why is he not doing full-time?

I can see where your partner's daughter gets her entitled attitude from, the apple didn't fall far from the tree if this is the case!

She is 12 years old it's illegal to employ someone that age!
OP you can't stop your ex giving money to his son and you shouldn't and of course there is no reason for him to give anything to your partners child. But I don't understand why she even knows about the £500. I think a little discretion from your son about how much he has might be helpful.

I think your son sounds very sweet if he is offering to get the family a take away.
I don't think it's very nice for him to live with the step sister though. She doesn't sound like she likes him a lot and it sounds like he needs/ likes his own space. I would live separately if I was you.

Ignoring all other factors for a minute, I'm not sure I'd be sexually attracted to a man working 16 hours a week after being married to a high earner

Sorry I have just seen your son doesn't talk about the money he gets from his dad.
Sadly I can't see the arrangement working. It seems as though you are all just too different. I don't think it's a workable situation for either your son or your step daughter

How long have you lived together and how well did the children know each other before you moved in together? I ask because despite the fact that you and your partner are 'together' (implying love, intimacy, commitment etc), these two children were/ are essentially strangers thrown together by circumstances beyond their control. They are a boy and girl of very similar ages, very young and inexperienced when it comes to managing their own and others emotions. Plus they are both entering puberty, usually a tumultuous time anyway.
It doesn't sound like the girl can rely on her mother for much and she doesn't have an older sister. Who is helping her with periods, for example?

I think you should seriously consider what benefits - if any - you’re getting from this relationship. Whatever you do, don’t rush into getting married. Seems like he’s living the life of Riley right now and is a crappy example to his daughter.

Its hard to understand what you see in this man and why you asked him to move in with his daughter. I feel sorry for your son having his home life disrupted by these people.

You’ve gone from an over-worker to an under-worker. If you go the way of Goldilocks the next one should be just right.

I'm struggling to see what you see in this man OP

Having read your updates, I agree op!

oh for god sake OP, he is a worthless loser and leading by example for his entitled daughter.

They are dragging you down to their level. If it’s your house kick him out, if not get your ducks in a row and leave.

Just want to say what a fantastic son you have OP - works hard, very tidy and gets up at 7am to vacuum!

Did you actually read the OP's posts? Her stepdaughter isn't the black sheep she's a spoilt and entitled little madam who goes into the OP's son's bedroom messes his things up and takes them for herself like the laptop and PS5 if the son did this to her there would be hell to pay! Also her son wasn't flashing his cash or pitying anyone he earned that cash doing a project for a month for most of his time at his fathers house, then offered to treat his mum, her DP and his spoilt DD to a take way, qualities you would want to encourage in a child.

The step daughter on the other hand at 13 years old is throwing a tantrum and demanding £400 trainers and £500 cash because of her jealousy and entitlement and her father's solution is to demand that that the OP tell her ex that he should be treating the step daughter the same as his son! It is not the DS father's responsibility to provide for a child that isn't his surely her father should be actually parenting his daughter and if he wants her to have the same things as the OP's son he needs to bloody well get off his arse and find a better job to pay for these things for his child not demand someone else pay for it. He has set a bad example for his daughter and this is the result a spoilt, entitled and jealous little madam who demands things just like her dad.

What were you thinking?

What was the appeal?

I read that as DP, so it might make it easier for you. 💐💐💐Feel free to DM if you’re tired of users nitpicking the fact your ds works. I don’t have any children but I hope i get lucky as you and end up with a wonderful kid.

The Dp and his dd will make a major battle to make you give up your stance. You are a great mum and this chapter of your life I think will be a learning curve for you. You deserve so much better than your current DP if he doesn’t discipline his daughter. He’s freeloading off you so he thinks his daughter should freeload off your ds. Sometimes it takes us a while for the fog to clear and see people for who they are. This is life. You’ll get the brigade of what I can only describe as bats attacking you for not seeing your DP and his true intentions earlier but ignore them. 💐

I’ve taken the ps5 and laptop back. It’s all kicked off.
DS took the laptop to his dad’s last night where his dad is going to reset it to factory settings. I’m putting a lock on DSs bedroom door today and Dp and I are going to talk later about how we will move forward.
Well done for looking out for your son OP.

If it's all kicking off because you're putting some boundaries in place then that probably tells you everything you need to know about your DSD and DP's attitude. I hope when you talk later DP doesn't turn on the guilt tripping and manipulation to make you feel bad.

It's not entirely relevant but it's also very nice on here to hear separated parents who parent amicably and put their children first. You and your ex sound like you're so a great job.