Is this ‘hostile unkind and petty’ I don’t think so !

[Justablueone]

We have lived next door to our current neighbour for about 6 years, got on ok. No issues. She’s just come out of a very bad relationship (dv) about 8 months ago and ever since has been an absolute nightmare

At first we probably made the mistake of being too available as felt bad for her so when she asked favours we said ok (dropping to school / pick up occasionally, lift to places )

She has had a job at the same place as dp now for the last 3 months, she keeps asking for the same shifts as expects a lift. We’ve had to say no and she’s extremely pissed off and has come round today and told me I’m hostile, unkind and petty that I’m putting obstacles in her way when dp is going there at the same time and it is unfair to make her life more difficult.

I don’t think that having boundaries is hostile unkind and petty???

YANBU It's one thing to give a lift occasionally, quite another to be expected to operate a daily taxi service for someone who unreasonably expects it at all costs.

I would hate to be constantly ferrying someone because, at times, I would love a bit of quiet on the way home.

There have been several threads in the past about helping out people, it turns into an expectation rather than a favour. Then it becomes very difficult to get out of.
You and your DH are doing the right thing with your, reasonable, boundaries.

I don't blame you for saying no . Some people are so entitled and think it's others job to help them . I wouldn't want to be tied to a lift all the time or constant help with her kids .
It's one thing to be kind but another to be taken advantage of .

My whole ethos is what goes around come around ...

Most of the time I'd agree, @Fancybed, but not with someone who's already acted as if it's an imposition for petrol sharing to be suggested

Unfortunately - at least IME - this is the kind of thing we see from those happy to take but rarely to give

I would give her a lift whats wrong with helping her when. You can?

Exactly. I'm afraid I am struggling to believe the posters who are saying this. I don't know anyone in real life who would be happy with it.

I know some people do it, and are Royally taken advantage of by cheeky fuckers, but I know NO-ONE who likes it and is happy with it.

Sadly, there are plenty of shameless, cheeky fuckers who take advantage of people who are kind and a bit gullible. And the 'favours will come around' type comments make me LOL. No. Not from the ones who are the cheeky fuckers. This type NEVER return the favour. Some of them also turn nasty when you STOP said favours too. I have had this happen. Not lifts, but looking after someone else's kid.

A mum on the estate happily farmed her DD (Hannah) off to us 3-4 afternoons/evenings a week (she would come straight from school with my DD, have dinner at ours, and stay til 8pm some nights.) AND she would spend much of the weekend with us. DD and this girl were 10.

Some nights, we had to ask her several times to leave. And we had to take her back, as her mum would never come for her, and we weren't having her walking across a big council estate after dark at 8pm. If something had happened to her, guess who would have got the blame? Not her shitty mum who didn't care where she was half the time. WE would have got the blame for sending her off into the night.

A number of times we took her back and no-one was in. And shocker her mum didn't answer the phone, so we had to take her back home, and then go back again at 9pm or even 10pm. One night Hannah's mum rolled in from the pub and came to ours at 9.45pm, and picked her up in a car she was in! (Got a lift from someone!) No 'thanks for keeping her here' or 'sorry,' or anything. Not a single acknowledgement. Just 'GET HERE HANNAH!'

Next time we picked up DD from school, this girl was ready to come along too. We said 'no sorry Hannah, but we are going out, not home.' Hannah looked confused and was like... She said 'well my mum isn't in til 8pm.' We said 'sorry but you need to go home.' She got quite angsty and looked like she was going to cry. I said 'ring your mum and ask where you can go.' Her mum answered her, and Hannah said 'my mum said I need to go to yours as she isn't in til 8pm.' DH took the phone off Hannah, and said 'come and get your child NOW, she is NOT coming home with us, and stop taking the piss and constantly making us look after her.' She slammed the phone down.

We waited. Decided to wait for 15 minutes. If she hadn't come by then we would have taken her back into the school. Came to the school five minutes later, (someone drove her,) and grabbed Hannah and scowled at us. 'Fucking idiots!' she barked.

tl;dr the next few months were hell as she systematically turned all her mates (6 of the school mums who lived nearby,) against me. Not DH, ME. I got the brunt of their hate, and scowling, and bullying. DD was bullied at school as Hannah turned 3 other girls against her. (Daughters of these other mums.) Rocks thrown through our window, paint, and eggs thrown at the door, and a gang of people (8-10 sometimes) just walking by our house (even though it was out of their way,) and standing opposite, just staring in. Started several horrible rumours about me. Other mums who weren't her friends - but still knew her - started avoiding talking to me.

We moved out of the area about 8 months later, and DD went to senior school soon after and didn't see this girl again. (And I didn't see any of the horrible bitchy bullies either.)

But yeah, as I said, some people turn nasty when you when you withdraw favours and stop their cheekyfuckery!

Yeah @Fancybed what goes around comes around. So maybe one day, the cheeky fucker taking advantage of the OP will have people taking the piss out of her, using her as a free taxi, and turning nasty when she decides to stop eh?

After all, what goes around comes around lala lalalalala

For me part of the benefit of using a private vehicle is to have my own space, and taking the route that is convenient to me, including any stops, and I'm paying the costs for that. So giving someone a lift is an inconvenience and takes away those benefits to me even if I'm already going that way. Any adult with a job needs to organise their own transport and not be dependent on others.

We still don't know what DH thinks.

If OP doesn't want to do the schoolruns, of course she should say no. If DH doesn't want to do the lifts he should say so.

I don't understand why "we" "had" to put a stop to it. Is suspect he's perfectly happy to do it and that's OP's real problem.

Yeah exactly this. The 'well you're going that way anyway, why can't you #BEKIND' brigade are definitely outing themselves on here. The cheeky fuckers are standing out like a beacon on this thread! 😂

Well if the OP wants to stop giving lifts to this cheeky freeloader, then she is entitled to stop it.

Me and DH are a couple, married, a partnership. If one of us was very unhappy with something, the other would respect their wishes, and stop.

So as far as I'm concerned, the OP wants this to stop, so it stops.

Am I the only person thinking “hell, no my husband isn’t giving a lift to another woman twice a day?”
That’s how affairs start, and some couples would have rules about not being in cars alone with opposite sex people for that reason. Especially in this situation, this is a set up for classic Knight in Shining Armor scenario (ducks from tomatoes being thrown by the ‘don’t be ridiculous, men and women can be friends’ brigade) 😁

@Justablueone

but why? That IS really petty & horrible.

just doing it for the sake of it.

she is right it doesn't cost him more if she goes with him & now a single mum. But if he really wants to charge her then he needs to tell her not ask her & if she counters it just say it's £xx per week, up front, take it or leave it.

dont forget her kids have been through a lot too. Is it really that much trouble to bring them home with you?

6 months on from DV isn't that long.

still if she nasty & unappreciative it's your choice to say no,

.

Petty as fuck and bloody well deserved!

In fact, you should list all the things you've been doing for her and ask her to list what she does for you then ask her why she thinks it's ok to take take take but never give.

@Vegandiva

youre probably not the only one, but I'm not thinking that.

if he wants to have sex with the neighbour then he will, driving her to work is more likely to put him off 🤣🤣

This isn’t just speaking to each other, it’s spending time alone twice a day in very close proximity with each other

In fact a while back there was a thread from a woman who was stuck giving a colleague a lift and everyone piled in saying stop giving lifts !
So YANBU... it's fine to give lifts from time to time but it doesn't need to be a regular thing unless it suits all parties

It might be petty, but you are allowed to be petty. You aren't obliged to continually put yourself out for other people's benefit.

Has she never heard of a bus?

what if your hubby has a day off?or has plans after work? What does she do then?

this is just cheeky and guilt tripping you. She’s taking advantage and can’t see that

Am I the only person thinking “hell, no my husband isn’t giving a lift to another woman twice a day?”
That’s how affairs start
And they say romance is dead…* *

I think that poster posted on the wrong thread. I think she thought she was on the 'Rude or Polite' thread. currently running here on AIBU. I was just looking at it.

Because that is so easy.

I like to be behind her at the queue on a bus.

No matter who is helping her, they're offering a way in which she gets to work, although by the sound of it she's more expecting it now, so yes, she should contribute towards costs.

They're a team. Don't know why you're making such a big deal out of a minor detail.