Is this ‘hostile unkind and petty’ I don’t think so !

[Justablueone]

We have lived next door to our current neighbour for about 6 years, got on ok. No issues. She’s just come out of a very bad relationship (dv) about 8 months ago and ever since has been an absolute nightmare

At first we probably made the mistake of being too available as felt bad for her so when she asked favours we said ok (dropping to school / pick up occasionally, lift to places )

She has had a job at the same place as dp now for the last 3 months, she keeps asking for the same shifts as expects a lift. We’ve had to say no and she’s extremely pissed off and has come round today and told me I’m hostile, unkind and petty that I’m putting obstacles in her way when dp is going there at the same time and it is unfair to make her life more difficult.

I don’t think that having boundaries is hostile unkind and petty???

God that sounds awful!

Did you share though? It's not sharing if the other person is just taking lifts off you. It's just someone taking the piss.

Be vary vary wary of this woman. Back off now . You do not need to give her any reasons. You owe her nothing. She is a cheeky fucker who will expect more and more.

This. I feel uncomfortable just reading this!

Well I for one think YANBU OP 😄 people seem to have missed that she’s asking what shifts DH is doing, purely so she can match and get a lift. Fair enough if the schedules line up every now and again but shoehorning the shifts to match so that she can get a lift is like she’s essentially putting the responsibility of getting her to work, and therefore her getting her income, onto your DH OP.

Is the OP doing her school runs making her jealous and controlling?

Yes, she had access to a car but I did the majority of the runs. She ended up getting her own instead if sharing with her husband.

It's different from a friend because all you have in common is work and that's the last thing you want to talk about when you're going home!

Im happy to give lifts if folk are stuck, I really don't mind but car share is a no no for me now.
There's so much asssumption and expectation and I was constantly apologising for having a life and having to go places in my own bloody car.

No idea why we do that to ourselves!😆

The Op has been asked to pick up and collect the neighbours kids from school - so it's not just the Ops husband helping out.
I can see why that would get wearing after a while.

I can't believe the amount of people who are suggesting you're being petty and unkind. You were decent enough to help this woman during her time of need and she's expected more and more of you, to the point where she now believes she is entitled to a free taxi service. Soon enough she'll be after free childcare or whatever else she can take advantage of.
To not offer petrol money is a piss take. Not only is she saving on the bus fares, but she's been saving time not waiting for the bus and enjoys a more comfortable ride to and from work. What is your husband wants to decompress after work on his drive home, or he wants to go out or run errands? He shouldn't be tied to a routine for her convenience. And I bet she does expect him to stick to it, doesn't she?

Honestly, I don't think you're being petty or hostile.

I would hate this kind of set-up. I like to use the commuting time to relax and listen to my audiobooks. I couldn't do that if I had to drive someone every damn day.

It's also the kind of arrangement that gets very "tying" very quickly. It means that there'll be issues if he needs to take leave, or finish early, or changes his shift patterns for any reason or wants to go somewhere before or after work. It really can limit his options and flexibility-especially if she's the sort to be dependent and to think it is something she's "owed" which given her reaction-she does.

Also, the unwillingness to pay anything towards the costs just adds to her CFery. So, she expects your DH to give her a lift to and from work, every day, pay nothing for the costs whilst she saves money on public transport?

I wouldn't mind doing it as an every now and then thing, but I'd absolutely mind being expected to do it every day, especially if she's so unwilling to contribute a penny. Height of entitlement.

I think I would give her a lift if you already happen to be going wherever she is going, but not if it isn't a journey you would otherwise be making or if it involves changing your own plans or waiting around.

And it would be polite of her to offer petrol money or buy a bottle of wine or something to say thank you.

She sounds pretty rude.

She is too dependant on you and your DH. You are not her parents. Tell her frankly she needs to find ways to take care of herself and her kids without neighbours.

I would hate this because i am too nice and would struggle to say no. Good on you OP for setting some boundaries. I feel like a lot of the BE KIND brigade have never been in the position of having someone constantly impose on your time/life.
Fuck that, i still resent my mum a little for not being able to tell her friend to back off a bit back when i was a young teen. Every other night she was at ours with her kids, eating our food and snacks, expecting us to give up our computer time etc to her kids and also constant lifts.

I think you're probably right to distance yourself. It's not that giving her a lift is inconvenient in itself, but that it's an extra layer of dependency when you feel you have given enough and want to scale back your support. Which is your right. Her reaction to this suggests that she now feels a level of entitlement to your help which doesn't bode well either so is best nipped in the bud.

Yep this. The fucking CHEEK of her, calling the OP hostile, unkind, and petty for not wanting to continue to be her free taxi service.

Well, using that logic, it must be free to get a bus or a train then is it? Because whether there's only one person on them, or 50 people, it costs the same in fuel and they're going that way anyway!

Cheeky git. (and you can probably tell pretty accurately going by the replies, those of us who've been stung by a CF lift-taker and those who haven't!)

I totally agree.

I'm with you OP in saying no. I had a CF at a shared hobby say, "Oh you'll be going through X on your way home, I'll grab a lift with you". Caught on the hop and not wanting to be as rude back I gave her a lift. Had she asked me I'd have felt differently. This person has access to a car, but chooses not to drive. I don't ever want to give her a lift again because I was backed into a corner. It's manipulative behaviour. She's never going to return the favour and will never offer to contribute to fuel as I'm "going anyway". If it were me in her position I'd have made my own arrangements.

👏

Lol at all the posters who would happily commit to giving their neighbour a lift to and from work every day and take their kids to and from school every day with no complaints, of course you fucking would.

In the real world she does need to make long term plan so I think it’s fine to start reducing your help, have you asked her what her solution is? If she was rude then I would stop straight away.

Stand your ground. I don't mind giving the odd lift,but in this woman's case, absolutely not. What if your dh has to go somewhere en route home. Or wants chats on his phone on way to work etc. I'm with you OP. You have been kind and now she's taking the piss

We have had a few (awkward) conversations where I’ve mentioned her getting a car (she can drive) or mentioned breakfast / after school club and she just gets very moody.

We were quick to offer help initially and I think unfortunately this has been misinterpreted and rather than help when needed till she was back on her feet she sees it as ongoing help

That's why you're not being at all unreasonable to say no, not least because if you continue further requests will probably arrive soon

And the refusal to even consider chipping in petrol money was just insulting, considering how much you've saved her - where else would she get all this for free?

AIBU can be be contrary though; normally you'd be told that boundaries should be maintained, but because you're doing that many answers will immediately swing through 180 degrees

She's a massive CF.

The "I'm not paying petrol because it makes no difference if there's 1 or 2 people in the car" would be enough to make me tell her to fuck off and never help in any way ever again. If it makes no difference she can get her own bloody car can't she!

The audacity and entitlement!

I hate people and this is why

Indeed. Reality is that they wouldn't. People who make the comments about just doing it and being kind are ALWAYS the takers, not the givers. Really easy to pretend you are generous and help everyone while anonymous online. But if you read their posts they never do come across as 'kind' people, just manipulative and insulting to those who don't want to run around after 'takers'.

Sounds like she doesn't know how to live her life as herself, if you see what I mean. The previous bad relationship may have eroded her sense of independent self and her latching on to you and your DP is manifestation of that. The sulking and moody childish behaviour sounds symptomatic too. Not that this helps you in any way, OP! But you're not wrong at all to have boundaries and you are not being hostile or petty.