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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this ‘hostile unkind and petty’ I don’t think so !

360 replies

Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:13

We have lived next door to our current neighbour for about 6 years, got on ok. No issues. She’s just come out of a very bad relationship (dv) about 8 months ago and ever since has been an absolute nightmare

At first we probably made the mistake of being too available as felt bad for her so when she asked favours we said ok (dropping to school / pick up occasionally, lift to places )

She has had a job at the same place as dp now for the last 3 months, she keeps asking for the same shifts as expects a lift. We’ve had to say no and she’s extremely pissed off and has come round today and told me I’m hostile, unkind and petty that I’m putting obstacles in her way when dp is going there at the same time and it is unfair to make her life more difficult.

I don’t think that having boundaries is hostile unkind and petty???

OP posts:
CantFindMyMarbles · 19/04/2024 19:08

Just give her a lift…..ask for some fuel money. If you’re going to school as well….then take her child. Equally….ask her for favours! Make her feel valued.

ItDoesntHaveToBeDave · 19/04/2024 19:18

CantFindMyMarbles · 19/04/2024 19:08

Just give her a lift…..ask for some fuel money. If you’re going to school as well….then take her child. Equally….ask her for favours! Make her feel valued.

Or, just let her be a grown up and sort herself out, and concentrate on your own life, marriage and family as you are doing.

There's a thought.

MrsLighthouse · 19/04/2024 19:24

Her reaction would make me want to disengage anyway. It’s nice to help but she’s not your responsibility. Who wants to be tied in with a neighbour to that extent ?

DriftingDora · 19/04/2024 19:29

CantFindMyMarbles · 19/04/2024 19:08

Just give her a lift…..ask for some fuel money. If you’re going to school as well….then take her child. Equally….ask her for favours! Make her feel valued.

Make her feel valued.

Why?

Do you give all your neighbours a lift every day to make them feel valued?😂

RecklessGoddess · 19/04/2024 19:32

What no one I have seen has taken into account, is that maybe your partner doesn't feel comfortable taking her to work every day alone. Plus she seems to be a bit demanding, to me. I wouldn't be helping her so much, with her attitude. I never once asked my neighbours for help, even when they offered it, after I split up with my severely mentally abusive ex-husband, and even though they still offer, I don't ask for their help!

OriginalUsername2 · 19/04/2024 19:40

The entitlement! You give an inch and they take a mile.

DragonGypsyDoris · 19/04/2024 19:49

You've indicated where you think this should go, so you won't be happy with my response. It's incredibly petty not to offer a lift to someone in these circumstances. How is it any hassle? Just be kind.

MMAS · 19/04/2024 20:22

I think you personally are in danger and should go to the police now.

SabreIsMyFave · 19/04/2024 20:25

MMAS · 19/04/2024 20:22

I think you personally are in danger and should go to the police now.

Wrong thread?

SabreIsMyFave · 19/04/2024 20:26

DragonGypsyDoris · 19/04/2024 19:49

You've indicated where you think this should go, so you won't be happy with my response. It's incredibly petty not to offer a lift to someone in these circumstances. How is it any hassle? Just be kind.

LMFAO. 😆

MMAS · 19/04/2024 20:27

Nope to who said wrong thread

SabreIsMyFave · 19/04/2024 20:28

CantFindMyMarbles · 19/04/2024 19:08

Just give her a lift…..ask for some fuel money. If you’re going to school as well….then take her child. Equally….ask her for favours! Make her feel valued.

😂 OMG! This thread has taken a batshit turn! 😜

SabreIsMyFave · 19/04/2024 20:29

MMAS · 19/04/2024 20:27

Nope to who said wrong thread

So you think the OP should go to the police about this cheeky fucker neighbour? Why? She can just tell her to jog on.

MMAS · 19/04/2024 21:17

Neighbour just come out of a relationship - who told OP it was the husband v wife? As we keep learning, it would very easily have been wife to husband. Sounds like neighbour might be fixed on OPS husband now and want her out of the way hence go to the police.

OldPerson · 19/04/2024 21:22

Just visit her and explain your boundaries in terms of what you will or won't do.

The problem seems to be that she's imposing too much on your time and your family space.

So explain that.

If you feel uncomfortable about her spending too much time alone with your husband. Just say it makes you uncomfortable.

You should all give yourselves a few weeks to cool off.

Take stock and decide whether you want a relationship with your neighbour or not.

If you do want to continue with friendly relations, be very clear about what you will or won't do in future. And how often.

And it's not really your private home, if your neighbour just feels she can knock on your door or phone regulary and at any time asking for favours. It's annoying.

So just ask her to text in future if she wants to ask a favour, because you're feeling more imposed upon, than you expected by all her requests for help.

Menomidge · 19/04/2024 21:31

Yanbu to back off. Have you asked DP if he feels uncomfortable? .
It's not a three way relationship.. yet neighbour seems to believe that she is entitled.
Stand firm
I would drop her a letter explaining that whilst in the past, you were happy to help and will contine to help out ON OCCASIONS, this level of reliance on the pair of you, on a long term basis is not helpful. That you feel there is reluctance /committment on her part to resolving both her travel issues and her childcare issues. That you feel it is not helping her really adjust to her situation of being a single parent and getting back on her feet.
Whilst you are sympathetic, and have provided help to help out initially , you don't want to feel obliged each day to provide travel and child care
She needs to take control to sort out her childcare arrangements and also sorting out her travel to work arrangement in a bid to be more self sufficient and less reliant on yourself and DP.
And that you know that one day she will realise that this note is your help, (even if it is a different kind of help !! ) and in time she may even say thanks, even if she falls out with you for now🤣

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/04/2024 21:43

DragonGypsyDoris · 19/04/2024 19:49

You've indicated where you think this should go, so you won't be happy with my response. It's incredibly petty not to offer a lift to someone in these circumstances. How is it any hassle? Just be kind.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

WickedSerious · 19/04/2024 21:44

DragonGypsyDoris · 19/04/2024 19:49

You've indicated where you think this should go, so you won't be happy with my response. It's incredibly petty not to offer a lift to someone in these circumstances. How is it any hassle? Just be kind.

Fuck that.

user1471554720 · 19/04/2024 21:51

PuppyMonkey

My neighbour did exactly that, got into her car while seeing me walking 10 mins away for the bus. She was 4 houses down from me in a terrace. Don't assume the DH will feel uncomfortable doing this. My neighbour didn't feel a bit uncomfortable.

Having experienced this can toughen you up.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 19/04/2024 22:07

DragonGypsyDoris · 19/04/2024 19:49

You've indicated where you think this should go, so you won't be happy with my response. It's incredibly petty not to offer a lift to someone in these circumstances. How is it any hassle? Just be kind.

It is hassle:

  • what if he wanted to stay late/go in late one day
  • what if he was in a hurry and she was being slow getting out
  • what if he wanted to go somewhere else on the way to or from work
  • what if he wanted to make a hands free phone call from the car
  • what if he wants to listen to something she doesn’t like
  • she is likely bringing in some element of dirt which requires extra cleaning from him
the list can go on. It changes the whole dynamic of the journey for him. Fine occasionally but it’s a lot everyday especially when she doesn’t seem to offer anything in return and doesn’t seem to be grateful at all
LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 19/04/2024 22:10

user1471554720 · 19/04/2024 21:51

PuppyMonkey

My neighbour did exactly that, got into her car while seeing me walking 10 mins away for the bus. She was 4 houses down from me in a terrace. Don't assume the DH will feel uncomfortable doing this. My neighbour didn't feel a bit uncomfortable.

Having experienced this can toughen you up.

You don’t know that they didn’t feel uncomfortable but what did you expect them to do. They probably would have felt uncomfortable having you in their car regularly.

LalaPaloosa · 19/04/2024 22:20

SabreIsMyFave · 18/04/2024 16:45

Exactly. I'm afraid I am struggling to believe the posters who are saying this. I don't know anyone in real life who would be happy with it.

I know some people do it, and are Royally taken advantage of by cheeky fuckers, but I know NO-ONE who likes it and is happy with it.

Sadly, there are plenty of shameless, cheeky fuckers who take advantage of people who are kind and a bit gullible. And the 'favours will come around' type comments make me LOL. No. Not from the ones who are the cheeky fuckers. This type NEVER return the favour. Some of them also turn nasty when you STOP said favours too. I have had this happen. Not lifts, but looking after someone else's kid.

A mum on the estate happily farmed her DD (Hannah) off to us 3-4 afternoons/evenings a week (she would come straight from school with my DD, have dinner at ours, and stay til 8pm some nights.) AND she would spend much of the weekend with us. DD and this girl were 10.

Some nights, we had to ask her several times to leave. And we had to take her back, as her mum would never come for her, and we weren't having her walking across a big council estate after dark at 8pm. If something had happened to her, guess who would have got the blame? Not her shitty mum who didn't care where she was half the time. WE would have got the blame for sending her off into the night.

A number of times we took her back and no-one was in. And shocker her mum didn't answer the phone, so we had to take her back home, and then go back again at 9pm or even 10pm. One night Hannah's mum rolled in from the pub and came to ours at 9.45pm, and picked her up in a car she was in! (Got a lift from someone!) No 'thanks for keeping her here' or 'sorry,' or anything. Not a single acknowledgement. Just 'GET HERE HANNAH!'

Next time we picked up DD from school, this girl was ready to come along too. We said 'no sorry Hannah, but we are going out, not home.' Hannah looked confused and was like... Confused She said 'well my mum isn't in til 8pm.' We said 'sorry but you need to go home.' She got quite angsty and looked like she was going to cry. I said 'ring your mum and ask where you can go.' Her mum answered her, and Hannah said 'my mum said I need to go to yours as she isn't in til 8pm.' DH took the phone off Hannah, and said 'come and get your child NOW, she is NOT coming home with us, and stop taking the piss and constantly making us look after her.' She slammed the phone down.

We waited. Decided to wait for 15 minutes. If she hadn't come by then we would have taken her back into the school. Came to the school five minutes later, (someone drove her,) and grabbed Hannah and scowled at us. 'Fucking idiots!' she barked.

tl;dr the next few months were hell as she systematically turned all her mates (6 of the school mums who lived nearby,) against me. Not DH, ME. I got the brunt of their hate, and scowling, and bullying. DD was bullied at school as Hannah turned 3 other girls against her. (Daughters of these other mums.) Rocks thrown through our window, paint, and eggs thrown at the door, and a gang of people (8-10 sometimes) just walking by our house (even though it was out of their way,) and standing opposite, just staring in. Started several horrible rumours about me. Other mums who weren't her friends - but still knew her - started avoiding talking to me.

We moved out of the area about 8 months later, and DD went to senior school soon after and didn't see this girl again. (And I didn't see any of the horrible bitchy bullies either.)

But yeah, as I said, some people turn nasty when you when you withdraw favours and stop their cheekyfuckery!

Edited

Oh my goodness! This is just terrible. I’m so sorry you experienced this.

LalaPaloosa · 19/04/2024 22:22

Extraordinary

RosaRoja · 19/04/2024 22:38

@SabreIsMyFave wow, that’s another level. Horrible. I’m glad these toxic people are no longer around you. What a shame for the daughter to turn nasty so young as well. You just can’t help some people.

alesia · 19/04/2024 23:26

Fancybed · 18/04/2024 15:18

Why have you "had" to say no if DH is going anyway?

It does seem a bit petty, when he could easily help her at a difficult time. Obviously he doesn't have to, but I'm not sure why he (you?) feels he has to stop it?

Perhaps they just don’t want to be taken for granted or want their privacy, peace and quiet in their own car, etc You help out once or twice and before you know, it it’s expected of you!