Is this ‘hostile unkind and petty’ I don’t think so !

[Justablueone]

We have lived next door to our current neighbour for about 6 years, got on ok. No issues. She’s just come out of a very bad relationship (dv) about 8 months ago and ever since has been an absolute nightmare

At first we probably made the mistake of being too available as felt bad for her so when she asked favours we said ok (dropping to school / pick up occasionally, lift to places )

She has had a job at the same place as dp now for the last 3 months, she keeps asking for the same shifts as expects a lift. We’ve had to say no and she’s extremely pissed off and has come round today and told me I’m hostile, unkind and petty that I’m putting obstacles in her way when dp is going there at the same time and it is unfair to make her life more difficult.

I don’t think that having boundaries is hostile unkind and petty???

You were kind at the start but now she's become entitled and taking liberties.

Stop giving excuses she can come back with. Tell her you're no longer doing any school runs for her and she'll have to make her own way to and from work going forward and not to ask again. Then a lot of nos until she strops off

It's the only way to get though the thick skin.

Yes, that's exactly the same thing, you're right.

And OP has never said in all her attempts to explain what's wrong, that DH enjoys the time to himself.

Who has her DC while she's at work, as in after school, holidays and such?

It sounds like she has high expectations of what SHE thinks you should so, vs what you are prepared to do. Also she has no boundaries.

On that basis alone I would be refusing as it will escalate beyond all reason. Who knows what she might accuse your husband of if allowed to be alone in a car.

OP you are right to set boundaries.

Why should she have to explain her DHs feelings? She has said that they don't want to give lifts!

Do you let people walk all over you or something?

I mean you are just saying no for the sake of it, it's not putting your DH out at all. Just remember it if you ever need a favour.

I know a couple of the days they were at the same holiday club as our dc, one day they were here as she asked in the half term which was fine not sure about the other days during Easter though.

I would never tie myself down to a regular lift share.
It means I can’t decide to duck to the shops, go to the hairdresser or go straight from work to meet friends for dinner (without having to get permission or awkward agreement from essentially an acquaintance). It means I can’t go into work early/late or leave early/late if I need to. I like the alone time in the car, it gives me time to decompress from my day so that when I get home I’m fully present for my family.
Just because I drive, have my own car and I’m going to the same place/direction as someone else does not mean I’m a default taxi service. I don’t need to share costs (fortunate I know) and the personal costs of being her chauffeur is far higher (to me) than a token $20 for petrol. Plus, this lady is coming across as demanding and entitled - not someone I want to be stuck in a car with or potentially ending the arrangement if it’s not working.

YANBU - it’s far better to knock it on the head before it becomes an expected routine.

*also, I am not a monster. I genuinely go out of my way to pick up colleagues or friends when they have had car issues or can’t drive due to surgeries…but this is something that I offer and is not demanded of me.

I know she’s had a bad time but she needs to at least try I know on one day that I said I was sorry I couldn’t do the drop off and pick up she just didn’t send her dc in so then I felt bad but she needs to find the solutions herself now

Well she came on a forum to ask opinions and has chosen to explain her thinking. She could of course, just do as she pleases.

I don't think people walk all over me no. I do think the favour has currency and is worth doing when you can, especially ones that cost you nothing in time or money and make a big difference to the the recipient.

Many people missed the other poimts in your OP about the lifts etc.

You are not petty. Having boundaries IS important. Otherwise you end up like the wet blankets here run to the ground🤷 And it's cert nkt petty to not reward entitled and attitude

This. ^

@Justablueone To hell with the #bekind bullshit, and the 'you sound so mean - why can't you give lifts if you're going that way' nonsense. I had a bunch of these cheeky fuckers when my kids were young. Non-drivers and people who refused to get a car, begging/demanding lifts. I NEVER give people lifts now and neither does DH, unless it's a dire emergency.

You don't owe ANYone a lift. Tell the cheeky cow to get her own fucking car!

I completely agree!

I hate #bekind.

I just feel like our support initially that we thought was just to help out at her lowest point is now something she feels should be ongoing and that we somehow owe her help ??! I think in all honesty she took the job thinking it would be a given she had transport

@Greengumby

I would never tie myself down to a regular lift share.

It means I can’t decide to duck to the shops, go to the hairdresser or go straight from work to meet friends for dinner (without having to get permission or awkward agreement from essentially an acquaintance).

It means I can’t go into work early/late or leave early/late if I need to. I like the alone time in the car, it gives me time to decompress from my day so that when I get home I’m fully present for my family.

Just because I drive, have my own car and I’m going to the same place/direction as someone else, does not mean I’m a default taxi service.

All of this. ^ As I said, if people want the convenience of having a car, and easy access everywhere without public transport, they can buy a car!

I've had car shares in the past and I would never expect anyone to do it for free, that's CF behaviour. OK, she's now a single parent but that doesn't mean you're obliged to fill in for her

Her attitude is bad in the way she spoke to you definitely, but what’s the issue with giving her a lift if it he’s going to the same place at the same time? It’s nice to be able to help out people, especially when they’re in a difficult situation and it’s no real extra effort.

I don't really get the "we" regarding lifts. Surely it's up to your dp you're coming across as controlling and jealous

Yep, it's essentially designed to shut down women when they dare to have the nerve to say no to something, and not put themselves out/sacrifice their own time and energy to do something for someone.

Men are never expected to be doormats like women are!

Oh god no! I car shared with a colleague before and hated it! Especially the journey home, I just like to zone out and listen to some music so I can chill when I get home. She was perfectly pleasant but so nosey and constantly asking questions about what I was up to every minute of the day.

It lasted 3 months before I kept myself busy every day and she eventually got her own car.

Never again!

she keeps changing shifts to be on the same ones as dp he’s going to speak to his manager to see if they can have different ones

I hate be kind too. My willingness to do favours is far more self centred. The more favours you do, the more favours you can ask.

Why SHOULD the OP do this if she doesn't want to? It's a free country. She can say no. It's HER car that she pays for and pays to run. She's not a bloody FREE taxi service. Such entitled behaviour 'well you're going that way anyway!' LOL, not likely.

It seems to me it's OP who objects though. DH is quite willing?

That's not true though, it's her DH giving the lifts and it's not clear that he minds.