Is this ‘hostile unkind and petty’ I don’t think so !

[Justablueone]

We have lived next door to our current neighbour for about 6 years, got on ok. No issues. She’s just come out of a very bad relationship (dv) about 8 months ago and ever since has been an absolute nightmare

At first we probably made the mistake of being too available as felt bad for her so when she asked favours we said ok (dropping to school / pick up occasionally, lift to places )

She has had a job at the same place as dp now for the last 3 months, she keeps asking for the same shifts as expects a lift. We’ve had to say no and she’s extremely pissed off and has come round today and told me I’m hostile, unkind and petty that I’m putting obstacles in her way when dp is going there at the same time and it is unfair to make her life more difficult.

I don’t think that having boundaries is hostile unkind and petty???

Unfortunately, that’s how it seems to work, in my experience anyway. You help out and then it’s expected of you. Before you know it, you are in the wrong for not continuing with the support!
She is absolutely not your responsibility and just sounds entitled

But why would they want someone so rude and ungrateful in their car with them - this just doesn’t make sense

It sounds to me as if your neighbour has become very needy, and has come to rely upon you and your DH as props.
I understand your reluctance as time has moved on, to continue being those props - she really is going to need to support herself, for her own good.
I also understand your point when you say that she’s unwilling to offer petrol money, for eg, or thinks because you already do something then it makes no difference if she tags on too - of course it makes a difference. Hard though it is, you now need to put in boundaries - you are not family members to her, you need to say that you can’t always do her bidding.
You were being good neighbours when she was at a very low point, and you can, of course, continue to be so if she lets you, but you need to point out to her, as kindly as you can, that the present arrangements don’t now work for you and you can’t continue with things as they are, and she has to sort out alternative arrangements going forward. You don’t need to send a letter suggesting contributions, or offering this, that or the other (I think she would grasp onto that), but state, as kindly as you can, that you won’t be continuing with lifts, etc.

Just remember the psychological effects of abuse are massive. She sounds like she feels vulnerable , and all of this manifests in odd behaviour.

😂 My thoughts exactly.

Spot On 👍

And say what to the police exactly? "My NDN didn't like it when we said we wouldn't give her a lift to work and now she's being funny with us". What do you think they will do, other than treat you like 9 year olds having a playground fall out?

I lived 100 yards up the road from a guy who worked with me. No way was I giving him a lift in, and I wouldn't ask him for one either.

The only good thing about commuting is it allows you to plan your day (way in) and wind down (way home).

YANBU

If she scoffs at the mere suggestion (when she shouldn't have needed to be asked in the first place) of even paying her fair contribution to the fuel, I highly doubt she will be willing to do any actual favours in return.

So many of the CFs and BeKinders are strong on 'friends doing each other favours', but by that, they really mean the other person (often not even a friend, just an identified target) constantly putting themselves out to be taken advantage of by them - they never seem to think for a moment that it should be reciprocated and that they should ever give anything.

I totally get where you're coming from as it puts more pressure on you in the mornings to be up & ready when someone else is relying on you to get them in to work on time. Also if you want to go out straight after work you feel bad for not giving them a lift home.

Is it you or your husband that doesn't want to carry on giving her lifts to/from work? If it's your husband who doesn't want to continue I'd suggest to her that she arranges her own way to get to work but say if she's really stuck at times you'll help out but it's not a permanent arrangement.

If it's you who doesn't want your husband to give her lifts in, ask yourself why you feel like that? What's the reason for not wanting to carry on offering support? Do you feel she's not grateful? why does it bother you that she's relying on him when your husband is going to the same place at the same time? It may be time to ask her to contribute to fuel costs & if she can't see why she should be contributing as he's going that way anyhow, explain that fuel costs are expensive & your husband is thinking of using public transport himself instead of the car. It might prompt her to cough up or stop asking if she's expected to pay towards her lifts.