Is this ‘hostile unkind and petty’ I don’t think so !

[Justablueone]

We have lived next door to our current neighbour for about 6 years, got on ok. No issues. She’s just come out of a very bad relationship (dv) about 8 months ago and ever since has been an absolute nightmare

At first we probably made the mistake of being too available as felt bad for her so when she asked favours we said ok (dropping to school / pick up occasionally, lift to places )

She has had a job at the same place as dp now for the last 3 months, she keeps asking for the same shifts as expects a lift. We’ve had to say no and she’s extremely pissed off and has come round today and told me I’m hostile, unkind and petty that I’m putting obstacles in her way when dp is going there at the same time and it is unfair to make her life more difficult.

I don’t think that having boundaries is hostile unkind and petty???

It is one of those tricky ones, as it does seem a bit mean, but I also see where you are coming from.

I think that, as you are going to places at the same time, then you could offer to share her car but I do think that she should pay towards petrol and wear and tear.

You need to have a decent conversation with her and if she says ‘but you are gong there anyway’ then you can reply with ‘so are you, and a contribution is a lot cheaper than getting a car and paying 100% of the petrol’.

If she actually paid, it could be quite a good arrangement for everyone, but she does need to change her attitude.

It just feels like OP isn't being honest (with us) about her reasons.

And I can just imagine what would be said if it was "I'd like to help out the newly single dad next door by giving him a lift to work, as we work at the same place, but DH doesn't trust me"

It does make a difference to the driver as if the neighbour expects a lift there and back she'll act put out of he wants to go somewhere else after work or needs to call in sick.
Her sense of entitlement would be enough to put me off giving her a lift. Not offering petrol money to share the cost is awful behaviour.

This 100%. It would drive me mad having a neighbour in the car all the time. I like to decompress, listen to music, podcast, audiobook, whatever I want. If I have been in meetings all day I like to drive in silence.

Also, why should the neighbour not pay anything just because the OP’s DH is going there? Why should he have all the expenses, petrol, wear and tear on the car etc

Having someone reliant on you is just a pain, the odd lift is fine but when they just assume and expect it soon becomes too much. Then you're ill and they start getting angry that you can't take them, or you want to go somewhere else after work and they ask you how they're supposed to get home.
No good deed goes unpunished OP. She's obviously a CF and the #bekind brigade are welcome to drive her around for free themselves if they are so keen.

As someone who had a car share - which included petrol money paid religiously - very successfully for two years, it really does seem petty. Why can’t there be a conversation about continuing with the lift in exchange for petrol money? Changing shifts is an incredibly immature way to deal with it.

This

She is not your responsibility OP let her think what she likes .

She has already said her husband has spoken to his boss to ask not to be on the same shifts....

It’s not just the lifts though is it. OP is helping with childcare and her DH is the taxi service- like she has staff. Shes saving hundreds a month. I imagine OP and her DH have also offered a fair amount of emotional support. It’s all quite invasive. I’d help anyone out but when you feel it’s not appreciated you do start to feel resentful. If she’d said “look I can’t thank you enough for helping me out over the past x months. I’m going to get my own car soon but just need to get myself on my feet first” and offered a little bit of petrol money/ bottle of wine to show some gratitude it might feel different but it seems like it’s expected.

Just because you are going the same way does not mean you need to lift share. I occasionally give a colleague a lift because she is lovely and great company but she is never pushy about it, never assumes and would be 100% fine if I said no and would not need reasons.

I'm glad yours was successful, mine was hellish! I'd never do it again and it's their choice. The difference is this wasn't a mutual agreement between 2 workmates it's an assumption and expectation. Very different

No, I’m with you Op, she’s a CF.

I use commuting time to listen to music, de-stress, call friends and family.

No chance I’d want someone sitting next to me long-term who seemed to have non intention of sorting themselves out.

And these people are never ones to give favours back (not that I want them, rather just sort myself out)

And does she think calling you hostile will help her cause? Sounds like a dramatic pain in the ass

There could be a conversation about sharing costs. But the DH has already tried that and been knocked back. Why should he have to try and negotiate with someone who is trying to take advantage, especially when it’s about something he doesn’t want to do in the first place?

I don’t think changing shifts is incredibly immature, but it would be better if the DH just told the neighbour she’d treated him too poorly for the lifts to continue.

My DD friend does this to us every day lift to school or pick - sometimes its not convenient. If I am going to see fil straight after school or I want to go shopping!! It really pisses me off especially as I can see her Dad and his fleet of cars are home when I drop her!!!

I wouldn’t want to do everyday with someone in my car either - you are not obligated too so perhaps say we can help on mon and tues on other days we now have other things to do!

Personally I wouldn't want to Have to drive anyone every day unless I was driving a close friend. I would feel imposed upon.

Nit day in day out you wouldn't! The ofd lift, fine, but every day, twice a day... no way

YANBU

Oh god I'd absolutely HATE having to commute with someone else - I'd make up a really long-winded excuse and probably drive a longer way round just to avoid it. Totally reasonable if the DH doesn't want to do this.

To the poster that said it's quiet time to decompress and sort your head - 100%.

Sometimes people don’t want to hear anything but “yes.”
They get offended when your “no” alters their plans.
But it isn’t your responsibility to complicate your life to make somebody else’s life run smoothly.
Just say no and remember - don’t apologise.

She is taking the mic .. she can pay her way - its saving her loads of money - not only cost of petrol - but tax, vehicle wear and tear..

Honestly if someone tells me I'm being petty and hostile because I don't want the carry on doing the same favour over and over, that will be the last straw to tell her no more favours.

I'm annoyed by the fact that the person you have been doing favours had the face to insult you. That is top level of entitlement.

It can make a difference

neighbour wanted a lift to a place about 30 mins away (near where I work).

but it got more and more frequent.

I'm busy, my commute is my only ‘downtime’. Having someone with very different religious views, political views etc constantly chatting away in the car in the one time I get to be quiet/ think/ listen to a podcast.

yes it’s nice to be nice. But if it doesn’t work for you then you don’t need to be a doormat.

She's asked your DP for a lift, yet you've said we've had to say no?

Please don't tell me you're one of these women who feels threatened by single women...afraid they're going to jump on your man? 🙄

So when she has to pay for her luggage weighing too much on a flight, does she not think it’s because extra weight=more fuel consumed? Duh!

Your dp is right to want to change shifts, good way of escaping and you should definitely be refusing to pick up the kids, too. As a pp said, you’re currently acting as her staff! I’d be telling her you aren’t staff and she needs to stop asking for favours cos she’s taken the piss and therefore you’re stopping everything. She’s having a laugh!

She’s a cheeky fucker. The odd lift in an emergency, fair enough, but being stuck in a car for 45 minutes twice a day (I don’t know how long he has to spend with her but regardless, it’s not going to be a laugh riot for him) with bitchy Deirdre from next door would be my idea of absolute hell.