Is this ‘hostile unkind and petty’ I don’t think so !

[Justablueone]

We have lived next door to our current neighbour for about 6 years, got on ok. No issues. She’s just come out of a very bad relationship (dv) about 8 months ago and ever since has been an absolute nightmare

At first we probably made the mistake of being too available as felt bad for her so when she asked favours we said ok (dropping to school / pick up occasionally, lift to places )

She has had a job at the same place as dp now for the last 3 months, she keeps asking for the same shifts as expects a lift. We’ve had to say no and she’s extremely pissed off and has come round today and told me I’m hostile, unkind and petty that I’m putting obstacles in her way when dp is going there at the same time and it is unfair to make her life more difficult.

I don’t think that having boundaries is hostile unkind and petty???

That's not the same though is it?

I don't see the issue with the lift - although her attitude about not needing to pay anything is annoying

It really isn't. Waiting around for someone, or not staying a bit later at work because they're waiting... she shouldn't feel entitled to that.

It sounds like you have been very kind but unfortunately she is taking the piss now.

You don’t need to explain yourself for why you don’t want to give someone a lift, I totally get it and her attitude stinks.

It might be harsh but I wonder if the best thing to do would be to let her know you won’t be able to provide any lifts from now on. She sounds like the sort where if you come to a ‘compromise’ it won’t be good enough and she will keep pushing for more.

Does she think calling you hostile will help her cause?

It's a fair question, and her attitude shows so much

You'd hope that someone who's received months of favours would be at least be appreciative and maybe use the time to sort out her own arrangements, but no - thwarted of what she was hoping for she becomes rude instead

Maybe she'll learn this isn't the way to behave or maybe she won't, but anyway it's not OP's problem

I thought it was a bit mean until I read the petrol comment and now I think nah, that's CF territory.

Well no I wouldn't do the school run as wfh and need to be quick but if I was driving to the same place I wouldn't mind giving a lift. I'm quite chatty and sociable though - which seems to be rare on Mumsnet

She sounds quite intense and it must feel like she is taking over your life - you live next to her, take her DC to school, DH giving lifts. You must feel like you can’t escape from her. Whilst is very nice of you that you have helped so much, she isn’t your responsibility. It sounds like instead of her showing gratitude, she’s developed an entitled attitude with you. It’s like you have given her an inch and she’s taken a mile. I don’t see an easy way for you to reduce it now, as technically she is right, you are going to the same place anyway. Did she get the job purposely because your DH works there? To be honest I’d be a bit worried that she’s not trying to be a cuckoo in the nest and push you out, especially seen as her own relationship has ended.

It is a valid reason to refuse a favour, if the person asking has an.entitled attitude. To ignore the attitude is to set yourself up for further CF-ery.

Entitled, entitled, entitled.

You're right to put up boundaries.

I had a friend who finally left her DH due to DV… I could have written all of the above.

I had to go NC in the end. She had picked up so much drama (trauma?) and manipulative behaviour which was impossible to be around.

This.

How is it not the same? It's someone in your own space, your own property, because they've decided to be. You don't have to see the issue: it's OP's car, not yours.

I don't understand the posters (although there have only been several) calling this a 'car share.' It's SHARING if someone uses their car one week (for both of you,) and you use yours the next (for both of you.) It's not SHARING if only one person is using their car FFS!

The woman taking advantage of the OP is taking the piss out of her. And as for slagging her off because she wants to stop the lifts; this is just pure fucking nasty! I hope your DH DOES change shifts to avoid the rude, cheeky mare @Justablueone

It's clear from your posts that your DH doesn't want it either. So I don't know why you keep getting asked 'what does your husband think?'

Also, the 'you're a big meanie, I would do it' posters are incredibly irksome. Big deal. Give yourself a carrot. Not everyone wants to. Doesn't make you a better person than them. So quit the holier-than-thou attitude.

To those saying that OP's DH should keep giving the lift; would you be comfortable saying to your neighbour that you were going to be using their journey to/past your workplace as your transport, and refusing to give them anything in return, or would you feel like a bit of an arse doing that?

@Catza · Today 15:17

And this is indeed a petty reason not to give a lift to her.

The fact the OP doesn't want to give this woman a lift, is a GOOD ENOUGH REASON to not give her one. She doesn't have to explain herself to her.

I think SOME posters on here would be more than happy to take free lifts from someone indefinitely. You can see which posters would be fine with using people and giving nothing back.

She's taking the piss and making it like an obligation. It's overstepping boundaries and is intrusive.

She is becoming dependant on you and that’s a lot of responsibility. It’s impacting on your freedom and you’re having to make plans with another household every day.

YANBU.

So she wants you to do her children's school run and wants your partner to take her to and from work.

That's CF behaviour.

Either she splits school runs 50/50 with you and offers petrol money or she can go it alone.

Wonder if they'll speak for themselves? From the number of people on the thread who think it's petty to say no, you'd think there'd be a flood of responses from people who would be fine doing what she's doing...

Nobody yet, though...

You can't just invite yourself to 'share' someone else's space/vehicle/time/property. And then have the cheek to complain when they object or ask for a contribution!

I couldn't cope with being an unpaid taxi service everyday, it would drive me crazy. Whether anyone thinks that makes me mean (😂) doesn't bother me in the slightest.

I'm an independent person and would never impose myself on someone else, asking for favors etc. Sort yourself out, no one in life owes you anything. An emergency is one thing, a daily arrangement is something quite different.

The money’s the thing. It’s not the lift, it’s the refusal to contribute.

What's the husband supposed to do if she's relying on a lift home and someone asks him if he fancies a couple of drinks after work? Will she sit with them and expect him to buy her a drink?

She came to your home and called you names... all other discussions are irrelevant because no way would I or my DP do her any favours after that.

This seems very OTT of her, fair enough ask for a lift if you happen to be on the same shift but to actively change your shift so you know you can get a free lift to work? That's a bit much. As the saying goes, you give an inch they take a yard - seems to be what's happening here. I absolutely wouldn't want to be giving my neighbour a lift to work everyday