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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this ‘hostile unkind and petty’ I don’t think so !

360 replies

Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:13

We have lived next door to our current neighbour for about 6 years, got on ok. No issues. She’s just come out of a very bad relationship (dv) about 8 months ago and ever since has been an absolute nightmare

At first we probably made the mistake of being too available as felt bad for her so when she asked favours we said ok (dropping to school / pick up occasionally, lift to places )

She has had a job at the same place as dp now for the last 3 months, she keeps asking for the same shifts as expects a lift. We’ve had to say no and she’s extremely pissed off and has come round today and told me I’m hostile, unkind and petty that I’m putting obstacles in her way when dp is going there at the same time and it is unfair to make her life more difficult.

I don’t think that having boundaries is hostile unkind and petty???

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 18/04/2024 15:14

What's the issue with giving her a lift though?

I'd do a favour for a neighbour if I was going their way tbh.

Motherpro · 18/04/2024 15:14

But I mean, if they are going to the same place at the same time, it makes sense to go together surely?

HalebiHabibti · 18/04/2024 15:15

I don't think it is any of the things you've said but she clearly perceives it as such. Does she have anyone else to support her?

Original poster
Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:16

Dacadactyl · 18/04/2024 15:14

What's the issue with giving her a lift though?

I'd do a favour for a neighbour if I was going their way tbh.

It’s just the attitude she has like well you’re going there anyway rather than asking nicely ?

OP posts:
Catza · 18/04/2024 15:17

Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:16

It’s just the attitude she has like well you’re going there anyway rather than asking nicely ?

Show quote history

And this is indeed a petty reason not to give a lift to her.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 18/04/2024 15:18

It does feel a bit petty for your DH and neighbour to be leaving the house at the same time to go to the same place, but for your DH to drive there and neighbour walk to the bus stop. I don't know it feels a bit mean. Is it you or DH who's against the lift?

Could DH ask for a monthly petrol money/parking contribution from neighbour, which would work in his favour too?

Fancybed · 18/04/2024 15:18

Why have you "had" to say no if DH is going anyway?

It does seem a bit petty, when he could easily help her at a difficult time. Obviously he doesn't have to, but I'm not sure why he (you?) feels he has to stop it?

ScholesPanda · 18/04/2024 15:18

I think you can set whatever boundaries you like. You're not obliged to help her.

But it does seem a bit unkind to refuse to give her a lift to somewhere you're going anyway.

FiveLamps · 18/04/2024 15:18

You don't have to give her a lift. Don't feel bad about it.

shieldmaiden7 · 18/04/2024 15:18

I don't think you've done anything wrong as in your position I would have put a stop to it too as it's just not fair for her to expect a lift every day. It's not your job to ensure she gets to work. Once in a while yeah but not every day. She's the one who's being hostile.

Fancybed · 18/04/2024 15:20

shieldmaiden7 · 18/04/2024 15:18

I don't think you've done anything wrong as in your position I would have put a stop to it too as it's just not fair for her to expect a lift every day. It's not your job to ensure she gets to work. Once in a while yeah but not every day. She's the one who's being hostile.

But it makes no difference anyone? It might even help because they can share costs.

Original poster
Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:20

She’s just very intense. I said to her she should get herself a car

OP posts:
cheeseandketchupsandwich · 18/04/2024 15:21

Would it help if she paid petrol money etc?

Crazycrazylady · 18/04/2024 15:21

Ok. Seems a bit unnecessarily unkind to me but each to their own.

Original poster
Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:21

It’s just hard to explain she wants me to do so many drop offs pick ups as dc are at the same school, wants dp taking her to and from work (which is why she is getting the same shifts) we don’t want to adopt her !!! At first we were happy to support but there comes a point where she needs to move on and not be dependant and needy

OP posts:
Original poster
Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:22

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 18/04/2024 15:21

Would it help if she paid petrol money etc?

Dp mentioned this once and she said ‘but you’re going there anyway it doesn’t use more whether there’s one or two people in the car!’

OP posts:
Fancybed · 18/04/2024 15:23

Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:20

She’s just very intense. I said to her she should get herself a car

I still don't understand.

What does DH think?

I'd like to think I'd help a struggling neighbour in similar circumstances and that no one would refuse to help me or DD, "just because" in a similar situation.

But then, my whole ethos is what goes around come around and do the favour if I can.

Watchkeys · 18/04/2024 15:23

Lots of people use the journey to spend some time alone/have some headspace before and after work. Nobody is obliged to give anybody a lift.

I wonder if the people who say you're petty would be ok with a neighbour sitting in their living room whilst they're home?

It's not petty to refuse to act as a transport service to someone, especially if they're just assuming you'll do it.

FiveLamps · 18/04/2024 15:25

Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:22

Dp mentioned this once and she said ‘but you’re going there anyway it doesn’t use more whether there’s one or two people in the car!’

Show quote history

This happened to me years ago as well. I lived close to a colleague and when I was buying a car after passing my test, said in the staffroom that she wouldn't be giving me any petrol money as I would be driving that way anyway.

So I only gave her occasional lifts home. She bitched about me but I really didn't care.

Original poster
Justablueone · 18/04/2024 15:25

I feel as if we were too helpful initially and that was fine and when we’ve tried to scale back support it’s not what she wants I get that she’s had a hard time but she isn’t making an effort just wanting to rely on us

OP posts:
Crumpleton · 18/04/2024 15:25

I think it's more her expectation that she's entitled to a lift.

Yes I'd probably give a lift if I was going/coming home at the same time, but I'd have a conversation beforehand that if I wasn't for whatever reason and I needed/wanted to be elsewhere before or after work she'd have to find her own way there and back.

FiveLamps · 18/04/2024 15:25

Watchkeys · 18/04/2024 15:23

Lots of people use the journey to spend some time alone/have some headspace before and after work. Nobody is obliged to give anybody a lift.

I wonder if the people who say you're petty would be ok with a neighbour sitting in their living room whilst they're home?

It's not petty to refuse to act as a transport service to someone, especially if they're just assuming you'll do it.

This!

Watchkeys · 18/04/2024 15:26

@Fancybed

But it makes no difference anyone

That's not for you to say. It wouldn't make a practical difference to you if your neighbours decided to spend all summer intently looking over their garden fence at you. So you'd be ok with that, right?

FiveLamps · 18/04/2024 15:26

Watchkeys · 18/04/2024 15:26

@Fancybed

But it makes no difference anyone

That's not for you to say. It wouldn't make a practical difference to you if your neighbours decided to spend all summer intently looking over their garden fence at you. So you'd be ok with that, right?

Lol

Tatas · 18/04/2024 15:26

My journey to work is my time to talk to no one and decompress!!

It's a lot to suddenly be taking a full grown adult to and from work all the time - what if you want to leave late? Or go to the shops on the way home? What if they do?! It becomes a tricky situation of expectations, and she sounds like a CF with the petrol money comment!