To be losing attraction to DP because of his career?

[breezea]

I expect to be told I’m a nasty son so for this.

But AIBU to think I might be losing attraction to DP slightly because of his career?

We are both late 20s. Met at uni where we were both doing PhDs. Been together four years and lived together for three. He is a wonderful guy and although we had pretty serious issues early on, for the past two years it’s been great. We have our own niggles but don’t we all?

I will preface by saying that I am very money driven. I grew up poor in an immigrant family and so for me, wealth is very important. I am very ambitious and as such I have what many would consider a high flying career.

When I met dp, he had similar ambitions. He wanted to go into a niche role which is very coveted and extremely well paid. He’s applied numerous times for these jobs but never gets one. This is down to him being potentially naive and over confident in his abilities. He doesn’t have the skill set required despite being very bright.

He has now found himself feeling defeated and heading down a career path doing something he doesn’t want to do. He has decent hours and the pay is good but not maybe 1/5th of what I thought he would be earning.

So now we are at a point where I significantly out earn him. To buy a good flat in a desirable bit of London (central) you need two excellent salaries not one. So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get. He has started joking that it’s fine that he can be a stay at home dad or I can look after him, but even when he does have free time, I end up cooking and cleaning for him. I do all of his laundry for example.

Your entitled to feel how you feel. Break it off if it isn't what you want.

And stop cooking, cleaning and doing his laundry.

Yep first post nails it. It's quite straight forward really.

You’re entitled to want a partner with a high income but he’s not entitled to get a high income job unless it’s what he wants. You need to decide what’s more important to you. And it’s not entirely his fault if he’s not getting jobs, especially if it’s quite niche

Can you explain why you cook and clean for him, and do his laundry?

You’re not nasty, the joking about you looking after him would make my fanny clamp shut. Ultimately you’re not compatible and there’s nothing wrong with wanting someone who can earn equally to you and share the load. Time to call this one a day.

“To buy a good flat in a desirable bit of London (central) you need two excellent salaries not one. So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get.”

You can’t achieve the flat you want.
That’s totally on you, not him.
It’s absolutely OK for you to choose only a long term partner with the same financial aims as you.
But until you do, don’t blame him because you can’t earn enough for what you want yourself.

He has decent hours and the pay is good but not maybe 1/5th of what I thought he would be earning.

It's interesting you say what 'I' thought he would be earning. You weren't kidding when you say you value money highly.

You also have a hint of disdain when you describe him - talking about him being naive and overconfident and that he doesn't have the right skill set... Nothing to do with the fact that presumably it's also quite a competitive field if the pay is so good?

Look, you clearly have different values. It sounds like his confidence has been knocked quite a bit. He reminds me of my brother, who was utterly convinced he would walk out of uni and straight into a six figure job. Let's just say reality bites on that one.

You shouldn't be doing his laundry, cooking or cleaning for him though. Perhaps the relationship has just run its course and your lives are going in different directions.

To be honest I think you should free the poor lad from your clutches.

Your whole tone is quite patronising and infantilising towards your partner. I think you would do him a favour if you move one.
Agree with the previous poster, it is entirely your own failing that you don't earn enough money to afford the lifestyle that you, and you alone, envisioned. Your partner has no obligation to co-finance your aspirations.

I don’t share your views about money and jobs, but why on earth are you doing all the housework? If you decide to continue, then you need to rest that for a start. Make it clear that laundry etc should be shared. If he doesn’t do it, or makes a mess of it, then leave his and do your own only.

You need to have a discussion about cooking and cleaning and sort out who is doing what.

To buy a good flat in a desirable bit of London (central) you need two excellent salaries not one.

No shit. But most people don't get to buy a good flat in central London. If that's your priority, you need to split up with him and only date a tiny number of very wealthy people because most partners won't meet your earning standards.

That said, you shouldn't be cooking and cleaning and doing his laundry. But that's another reason to separate.

For me, it wouldn't be his career so much as the fact he wanted me to financially provide for him and be his maid and cook!

He is a cocklodger in the making.

Let's say he applies one more time for his original dream job and gets it, but them something happens to cause him to lose it, through no fault of his own. Will you be satisfied with him, in that scenario? Is it his seeming lack of motivation that's the problem or the discrepancy between his income and yours/what you expected he'd be earning?

I don't think many woman find it attractive when a man jokes about letting her take care of him financially, and YANBU to reevaluate things now that he's apparently changed, particularly if part of what drew you together was a shared focus on a specific future. But money isn't everything, and it's not guaranteed to last, even if you both achieve the careers you wanted.

Perhaps he jokes to cover his disappointment with how things have turned out for him so far, or maybe he has found that he's happy with less of a high-flying career. You need to decide what's most important to you and have a discussion. If he's serious about "settling" for a lesser (or rather a lower paying) career, and if that means he has more free time than you do, it's only fair for him to pick up more of the at-home work—that's if you don't want to end things with him. Just remember that your own amazing job might not last forever, either.

I don't find materialistic people at all attractive. Other than his earning potential, what other things attracted you to him?

Being wealthy really isn't the most important thing in life. Being healthy, happy and having a home (not necessarily a show house) are far more valuable to me.

This in spades ⬆️

Think personally it's time to part ways, for more his sake then yours but ultimately for both your sakes.

Just leave the poor guy. You clearly have very different of values.
If lots of money is so important to you, by all means, go ahead and make it.
As you're only late 20s, I would say you really need to put things in perspective a bit.
Anything can happen at any moment and accumulated funds or predicted income can simply disappear. What would you do in that scenario? Take one step back for your own sanity.
And don't marry for money!

I can understand this even though I am not like you. And it's ok if you want a man that matches your ambitions and being money driven. This man isn't that so perhaps it's time to end this relationship. You will end up resenting him more and more.

But you can’t afford a place in London on your own either…so with or without him you’re not getting what you want. Be careful what you wish for @breezea finding a man that ticks all the boxes AND earns well is hard.

People are allowed to value what they do. I don't think relationships need to be subject to The Equality Act.

The not cooking and cleaning would have killed my feelings stone dead but OP, if you want someone wealthy, prioritise that.

Yep, I agree 100%, it’s so damn shallow. I understand why the OP wants to be wealthy but I think she might be overly obsessed with it. There are far more measures of success.

Nevertheless, you’re clearly not compatible OP. Go your own ways.

im not sure what cooking and cleaning have to do with anything... would you do that even if you were both poor? its an irrelevant fact you have thrown in, probably to try make people think he's a loser.

if he is not acheiving what you expect him to achieve, that sounds like a you problem.

you are very clearly driven by money.. i'd let this poor man go! he will be better off with someone who appreciates him for him and not for his earning potential.

its not his fault you are not achieving your goals

I have a similar background to yours, it takes a lot of work to climb out of poverty. However the money is actually a red herring. The lack of drive and ambition and the laziness is VERY unattractive. My exH was like this. Promised the world, thought he was the BEST but he was actually lazy, not as capable as he thought, did ZERO around the house, felt very threatened by my career and money and the more money I earned, the more he put me down!

I still have a very well paid job. My DP earns less than me (civil service). But it's still a very good salary and more importantly he is smart, ambitious, I really respect what he does, and he IS an equal partner in all respects. He does his fair share and, now that I am pregnant, is taking very good care of me. Money is not an issue, ever. And if I woke up tomorrow and wanted a more chilled out job, he would 100% support me in anything I want to do.

You can leave him for any reason you want.

If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it and there's no point anyone on here saying otherwise.

FGS don't marry the guy or have DCs with him and then end up having to fund him or hand over your pension and savings when you do eventually split up.

It's not wrong to want someone ambitious and high status if that is what yourself are.

You’ve told us all his negative qualities so what are his positives? What attracted you to him in the first place?