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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be losing attraction to DP because of his career?

332 replies

breezea · 18/04/2024 14:18

I expect to be told I’m a nasty son so for this.

But AIBU to think I might be losing attraction to DP slightly because of his career?

We are both late 20s. Met at uni where we were both doing PhDs. Been together four years and lived together for three. He is a wonderful guy and although we had pretty serious issues early on, for the past two years it’s been great. We have our own niggles but don’t we all?

I will preface by saying that I am very money driven. I grew up poor in an immigrant family and so for me, wealth is very important. I am very ambitious and as such I have what many would consider a high flying career.

When I met dp, he had similar ambitions. He wanted to go into a niche role which is very coveted and extremely well paid. He’s applied numerous times for these jobs but never gets one. This is down to him being potentially naive and over confident in his abilities. He doesn’t have the skill set required despite being very bright.

He has now found himself feeling defeated and heading down a career path doing something he doesn’t want to do. He has decent hours and the pay is good but not maybe 1/5th of what I thought he would be earning.

So now we are at a point where I significantly out earn him. To buy a good flat in a desirable bit of London (central) you need two excellent salaries not one. So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get. He has started joking that it’s fine that he can be a stay at home dad or I can look after him, but even when he does have free time, I end up cooking and cleaning for him. I do all of his laundry for example.

OP posts:
Sweden99 · 19/04/2024 10:02

NonPlayerCharacter · 19/04/2024 08:42

you would think they were all top global experts in finance, global matters of state and sport who are all brave, principled and intellectual.

In the ones I've been on, they were pretty open about not being brave, principled and intellectual.

On Mumsnet, if we take posters at face value, they are all working full time, juggling kids and they doing the bulk of the housework, while being selfless wives always putting their children and husbands first.

If you don't think it's a very common reality for many women to be working full time while still doing the bulk of the shitwork and deprioritising themselves , well....would you like to buy a bridge?

And you are calling me naive!

NonPlayerCharacter · 19/04/2024 10:22

Sweden99 · 19/04/2024 10:02

And you are calling me naive!

Well you seem to be very disbelieving of a common reality for many women these days, despite being on a forum where you see it every single day. You don't think there are lots of women combining full time work with the majority of housework and childcare and neglecting themselves in the process?

Tessasanderson · 19/04/2024 10:29

You have every right to feel the way you do. Just as he has every right to be the man he is without being judged by his partner.

As others have said, do the man a favour and set him free. He will find living up to your expectations exhausting and utterly thankless in the long run.

You can then be free to go and find your trophy husband who will earn similar amounts to you. Be careful though, materialistic people have a tendancy to continually measure. What if you find a partner who eventually starts looking at you as 'not worthy'? What if you cant keep pace with your new mans requirements? What if, god forbid he dumps you for the better model?

You need to weigh up how much you really value income and wealth against future happiness and the possibility you may end up being lonely and not much better off.

QueenOfTheLabyrinth · 19/04/2024 12:32

Akamai · 19/04/2024 06:50

First off all I am also the child of immigrants who grew up in abject poverty so I get where OP is coming from; my own poor upbringing was also what drove me but maybe you missed that bit.

No, I didn’t miss it, I’m also the child of poor immigrants, but it doesn’t give me the right to demean other women who take pride in succeeding.

I told OP what I achieved - ON MY OWN

But OP has also achieved her success ON HER OWN. Why are your achievements more deserving of respect than OP’s? She now wants a partner who matches her in ambition, what’s wrong with that?

I took issue with OP making out that she somehow “deserves” / has an “entitlement” to certain things just because she works hard because the implication is that those who don’t reach the same heights can’t or won’t be working as hard as her and therefore are less deserving.

That’s bullshit and you know it. Literally all she said was ‘So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get.’ She said none of what you’ve inferred. If you took from that that the OP is entitled then that reveals your own misogyny. She has not implied that others who aren’t as successful as her don’t work as hard.

That doesn’t mean I’m in anyway bashing OP for her hard work or what she’s achieved, my comments were in relation to her attitude (which other posters picked up on so it wasn’t just me

Stop hiding behind other people. You were needlessly judgemental and rude about OP’s success and the fact that she dared say she worked for it.

I honestly don’t know why people get so damn touchy when someone mentions luck or privilege playing a part in success, it’s like they think acknowledging it somehow diminishes their or others hard work or skills / talent; both things can be true at the same time.

Are you for real?! You’re the one getting touchy with OP for merely saying she’s worrying she won’t achieve what she worked hard for. She’s the daughter of poor immigrants, you talk to her as if she is Kate Middleton! You’ve extrapolated a whole load of crap from OP’s one post.

Either you really need to work on your reading comprehension or I see what you mean about being lazy because its you who‘s again misunderstood but either way I give up. You have a good day!

Akamai · 19/04/2024 13:07

QueenOfTheLabyrinth · 19/04/2024 12:32

Either you really need to work on your reading comprehension or I see what you mean about being lazy because its you who‘s again misunderstood but either way I give up. You have a good day!

What a non-response 🤣

Clearly you realised you don’t have a valid argument here, hence the clichéd personal attacks when it’s not going your way.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 19/04/2024 18:19

No response at all from @breezea

Would you not like to rejoin your conversation and say if you found the points of view here helpful?

Despair1 · 05/07/2024 16:27

Tessasanderson · 19/04/2024 10:29

You have every right to feel the way you do. Just as he has every right to be the man he is without being judged by his partner.

As others have said, do the man a favour and set him free. He will find living up to your expectations exhausting and utterly thankless in the long run.

You can then be free to go and find your trophy husband who will earn similar amounts to you. Be careful though, materialistic people have a tendancy to continually measure. What if you find a partner who eventually starts looking at you as 'not worthy'? What if you cant keep pace with your new mans requirements? What if, god forbid he dumps you for the better model?

You need to weigh up how much you really value income and wealth against future happiness and the possibility you may end up being lonely and not much better off.

Excellent

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