To be losing attraction to DP because of his career?

[breezea]

I expect to be told I’m a nasty son so for this.

But AIBU to think I might be losing attraction to DP slightly because of his career?

We are both late 20s. Met at uni where we were both doing PhDs. Been together four years and lived together for three. He is a wonderful guy and although we had pretty serious issues early on, for the past two years it’s been great. We have our own niggles but don’t we all?

I will preface by saying that I am very money driven. I grew up poor in an immigrant family and so for me, wealth is very important. I am very ambitious and as such I have what many would consider a high flying career.

When I met dp, he had similar ambitions. He wanted to go into a niche role which is very coveted and extremely well paid. He’s applied numerous times for these jobs but never gets one. This is down to him being potentially naive and over confident in his abilities. He doesn’t have the skill set required despite being very bright.

He has now found himself feeling defeated and heading down a career path doing something he doesn’t want to do. He has decent hours and the pay is good but not maybe 1/5th of what I thought he would be earning.

So now we are at a point where I significantly out earn him. To buy a good flat in a desirable bit of London (central) you need two excellent salaries not one. So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get. He has started joking that it’s fine that he can be a stay at home dad or I can look after him, but even when he does have free time, I end up cooking and cleaning for him. I do all of his laundry for example.

I thought you were going to say he had decided to become an arms dealer, not that he doesn’t earn very much!

If that is very important to you then I think it would be better for both of you to find someone with more similar value systems.

This is sound advice. money incompatibility is one of the biggest causes of arguments in relationships. and for God's sake, why are you doing all the wifework? You're a housewife for a man who's not even a provider Have some self respect

I predict you'll find you rich husband but end up divorced and in a far worse position than now. If these things are the be all and end all for you, you need to find a way to get them for yourself, not be dependant on a (any) mam for them.

This.👍🍾🍾

I’m not sure you can blame him for any of this, but if he isn’t what you want then go and find it. Don’t make him feel bad for who he is.

As a PP said it's not always about the money - laziness, lack of drive and ambition is really unattractive. Especially if these common goals were what first brought you together. You are not unreasonable for finding this a turn off.

With or without him you can't afford the property in London so I'd think very carefully about ending a relationship in the hope you'll meet Mr right and Mr bank balance. They aren't always compatible. Moving out a couple of zones for love doesn't feel such a compromise - but if the respect is gone then so is the relationship.

but even when he does have free time, I end up cooking and cleaning for him. I do all of his laundry for example.

YABU

You are choosing to cook and clean for him when he has free time and so you can’t then moan about it.
Stop being a martyr.

It sounds as though he has tried to get a decent career but hasn’t been successful, which is a lot different to someone who is lazy or not career driven.

Of course he is going to feel deflated and aim lower, if that is all he is capable of.

I do think you’re BU to feel this way, however this is how you feel and you can’t help that and so this relationship can never last.

It is much better that you end things sooner rather than later and so you can both find partners who are more compatible.

Be careful what you give up. Is he or a flat in London the most important thing? If the latter, good luck with finding another person you want to spend your life with, who feel the same way about you and have the salary to give you what you want.

If you stay with someone long term, you don't know what's in front of your financially, job stability, healthwise, but most of us stick it out together as we care about eachother and are able to support eachother. My BIL was always on a low income, best they could do was buy a house on a dire council estate, Christmas presents were much needed clothes, no treats out, but him and his wife are clearly blissfully happy.

You can take a step back doing things for him, or even have a chat about it asking if he can cook occasionally (even if something out of the freezer) or take on a couple of household jobs while you do the rest.

I don't think OP is after a 'rich husband' in the gold-digger sense.

I think she's after a driven, ambitious, committed, succcessful husband whose success is reflected in a high-status, high-paying, career.

Nothing wrong with wanting to be a power couple! But it takes work to get there. And these profiles are made rather than discovered box-fresh and ready-to-go. Might be better to find someone who wants it and has good qualities (beyond ambition) that will last the course of a marriage, and invest in them. But if he doesn't want it - ie he's not professionally ambitious - then indeed, he might not be the right guy for you, and nothing wrong with that.

Bill would never have become President if he hadn't married Hillary... (tongue-in-cheek example, folks, don't shoot me)

I actually think the money is a bit of a red herring here. It sounds to me like you're ambitious and capable and you want an ambitious and capable partner. At this point in your life, you also equate ambitious and capable with high earning potential and that makes you seem a bit shallow, but I'd say that's really just a bit of inexperience talking. I know lots of ambitious and capable and successful people who are in careers that are not as well paid - hospitality, teaching, fitness, etc.

Putting that aside, what you have here is a man who appears to be incapable of getting a job in the career he originally chose. Mostly because, in your opinion, he has not put the right effort in. YOu think he is complacent and arrogant and I'm inclined to agree because the jokes about you looking after him and the fact that he's happy to let you "mother" him by doing the cooking and cleaning etc is not a great sign.

It is perfectly okay to discover in your late 20s that actually, the person you thought you loved is not what you want after all. End it now so that you both can be happy elsewhere.

He's not living up to your expectations and it is as obvious as the balls on a dog that you don't love him. Dump and move on.

Not read all the replies but if you have your sights set on a certain lifestyle then that usually takes 2 high incomes as you have said.

Look at it another way- if you lived out of London and could buy a home on your current incomes, how would that feel?

Earning less than a fifth of what you hoped- so he's on maybe £40K and you expected £200K? Or he's on £30K and you expected 150K?

Those are big incomes for someone not yet 30, even in London unless you are talking investment banking or law.

Is it what he can't contribute that bugs you and his lack of ambition - or is it that he isn't earning enough for you to buy in central London?

The latter, if you're talking Zone 1 , needs a joint income of at least £200K for a 1 bed flat and I doubt that's do able from what you say (and you're very young.)

Rather than being critical of him, could you suggest he gets some coaching to help with his job applications?

Is he applying for jobs above his skill set or is he just not good at interviews?

Jesus Christ 😂

Agree with this though, I mean, he's not daft is he?
You earn more, do everything in the house. You are just like any other women who will do anything to please a man. There is nothing clever or ambitious about that.

One more thing- you say you can't get what you want [ the house] despite earning what you do.

How could you achieve the house/flat on your own?

You can't.

So is your only option to find another high earner?

If that's what you want, fair enough, but it doesn't mean one will come along who you love.

You've drifted apart and time to call it a day.

You aren’t well matched. Split up. You sound very materialistic and he sounds a sexist prat. Split up and find someone who suits you better and let him do the same.

YANBU to be put off if you'd hope for a more even relationship, but YABU unless you're working in a City-scale salary job if you think you're getting a flat in central London! Maybe you are, in which case yes, you'd need two City salaries to get a place.

Dunno why so many people think you should be ok with this and aren’t calling him out as a cocklodger.

I guess it depends if you're in the relationship for love or his earning potential.

Of course there is the option to move to the suburbs OP.

To buy in London is going to need 2 incomes totally £200K at least.

How much do you each earn?

How the fuck could he be a stay at home parent when he doesn’t do any housework

They don't even have a child yet!

It’s very difficult to stay in love with someone who treats you like a bank and a domestic and has opted out of adulting themselves

You're entitled to want a partner who has ambition and who earns well but a lot can happen over a lifetime with someone. Your life and circumstances can change in an instant. My husband had a trade and a good job but lost it during the recession. He was unemployed for nearly 7 years and had to retrain. I was newly qualified and we lived on my wage. Then we both had really good jobs. I had to go part time when our child was born. My husband now has an excellent job. For me it's about the person and whether you are willing and able to stick with it when things get hard because life could throw anything at you. Maybe he's just not the right person for you.

She said in her OP that this is what he wants.