To be losing attraction to DP because of his career?

[breezea]

I expect to be told I’m a nasty son so for this.

But AIBU to think I might be losing attraction to DP slightly because of his career?

We are both late 20s. Met at uni where we were both doing PhDs. Been together four years and lived together for three. He is a wonderful guy and although we had pretty serious issues early on, for the past two years it’s been great. We have our own niggles but don’t we all?

I will preface by saying that I am very money driven. I grew up poor in an immigrant family and so for me, wealth is very important. I am very ambitious and as such I have what many would consider a high flying career.

When I met dp, he had similar ambitions. He wanted to go into a niche role which is very coveted and extremely well paid. He’s applied numerous times for these jobs but never gets one. This is down to him being potentially naive and over confident in his abilities. He doesn’t have the skill set required despite being very bright.

He has now found himself feeling defeated and heading down a career path doing something he doesn’t want to do. He has decent hours and the pay is good but not maybe 1/5th of what I thought he would be earning.

So now we are at a point where I significantly out earn him. To buy a good flat in a desirable bit of London (central) you need two excellent salaries not one. So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get. He has started joking that it’s fine that he can be a stay at home dad or I can look after him, but even when he does have free time, I end up cooking and cleaning for him. I do all of his laundry for example.

You’re entitled to choose who you want to be with and can break up with him for whatever reason. If your priority is being with a high-earner who can join you in your lifestyle, then that’s a valid choice to make.

You don't respect him. The relationship is dead.

Your paths are diverging and you don’t sound compatible anymore. I’d break it off now, definitely before you have children.

You’re entitled to have a career-orientated partner and he’s entitled to be less career-driven and have a less affluent lifestyle-or he may meet someone who’d love him to be a SAHP.

I had one of these. When we met we had shared goals, but over time he became happy to coast at work and still wanted the nice house etc but thought it was up to me to pay for it. I ended up being home most of the money, as well as doing all the housework and cleaning. Thing is when we’re young everyone talks a good game- but then it becomes apparent that you absolutely need to knuckle down and work for it and many people decide it isn’t worth it.

It becomes absolutely exhausting being the one providing the nice things for the family in every area- whether it’s domestic load or financial.

My advice? These things don’t get better. you just row and get upset and they don’t change. Cut your losses now and find someone more your speed.

@Dartmoorcheffy I don't find materialistic people attractive either. But lazy misogynistic losers who leave their girlfriend to do their laundry are equally repugnant.

Let him go
you have outgrown him ( and you don’t like the fact he is not earning as much as you want him to, so that you can get what you want)

It sounds like you're growing apart. That's allowed. It's very common in your twenties to realise the person you were in love with at uni isn't right for the rest of your life.

He shouldn't feel pressure to fly high, but if he wants to and is naive about his skillset, that's something you should be able to discuss frankly as a couple. Giving up so soon and feeling resigned about it is not appealing.

Sounds like the relationship has run its course. There’s no shame in ending it with him.

If you don't love him or find him attractive anymore then leave him. You'll both be better off in the long run.
Work out whether it is money or ambition that you're attracted too- would you still be attracted if the money came from a family trust?
Come up with dating strategies that introduce you to the kind of men you are interested in.

Don’t stick it out. I’m in that sort of career and I know too many women like this who stick with their childhood or uni sweetheart and don’t accept that their paths have diverged. It doesn’t lead to fulfilment or happiness, and it leads to quite bitter resentment and cruel remarks from both sides once mortgages and babies are in the game. Not one of the dads that then drops hours, or takes parental leave, does parenting to the standard the mum expects either (especially if you’re from an immigrant family background where I assume family was focus) which leads to even more resentment and unhappiness, so it’s just awful all around. They don’t realise it’s a disaster until the baby arrives and then they feel it’s too late to leave.

Regardless of anything else he isn’t pulling his weight at home. Thats enough in my book to dump someone. No-one wants to be saddles with someone who can’t contribute to looking after their own home (obviously there are caveats to that like disability).

You can like what you like about a person, if ambition drive and material success are important to you then that’s important to you. It’s not necessarily what I value about a person but thats fine. I grew up a bit skint in an immigrant family and financial security is important to me too, not to the same extent as you clearly but I do understand where you are coming from. I wouldn’t find someone who overestimates themselves particularly appealing either, eventually they become bitter that the world hasn’t given them what they think they should have got.

You can break up with a person for any reason really, no-one is owed a relationship. I actually think there are reasons there why I wouldn’t want him that have nothing to do with earning power.

I would say though as an old married lady the shit that’s really important in the long term has little to do with money. It’s someone who will get up with the baby without having to be asked to, drive to a petrol station at midnight to get you a twix because you are in bed feeling like crap. I think you find that high earning men probably also don’t believe they have to clean up after themselves but I guess they can afford to pitch in for a housekeeper.

Usually the reason to stick around is “I’m nearly 30 and I want kids”, so don’t fall into that trap. You could easily meet someone else before 33. This is the person you may need to experience losses, a difficult pregnancy, IVF choices and all that with - though of course I really hope you don’t ever experience those things. Man child go from repugnant to downright suffocating then.

He has decent hours and the pay is good but not maybe 1/5th of what I thought he would be earning.

were you looking for a boyfriend or someone helping you to fulfill your dream of becoming wealthy.

Just split up. You don't sound compatible.

Do you think there's still potential for you to help him to be the very best version of himself?

The majority of professionally + economically successful people I know owe much of their success to the support and efforts of their partner as much as to their own individual efforts. Eg advice and guidance, networking, mentoring, strategic planning, leveraging other relationships...

If not, then call time and seek someone more aligned with your ambitions. Or compromise your own goals. Good luck!

Why are you cooking, cleaning and doing laundry for this fully grown adult? This is why you should want to break up with him, nothing else.
Never tether yourself to someone who cannot adult properly. This is a manchild. Not a life partner.
He will suck the life out of you.

I’m with you on this. I am a winner, I dated winners and I married a winner. I love him very much and we’re well suited. However, on a fundamental level, we are clever, well educated, attractive people who earn a lot of money. This may not matter to some people, but I would not be attracted to someone who was not all of those things. Go find your winner.

Posters will be along to moan about shallowness and how kindness is more important than success. Please ignore them. You can be kind/funny/sweet/(insert positive characteristic) AND successful. Wanting the latter does not mean you don’t also care about the former. They know this, but admitting it doesn’t suit their narrative.

Also, you’re not a skivvy. In your next relationship, please ensure domestic labour is equitably shared.

The money thing yabu about, not everyone can earn 6 figures and whilst it would be lovely to get what you want it's not always possible. I've almost always under earned my husband even in the early days but I went into an industry that is badly paid, I did a lot more hours most weeks than he did so it wasn't due to bring lazy.

Now I'm part time earning minimum wage because of the kids, being in a job that only just paid slightly over minimum wage with erratic shifts and stupid hours would never work. I do all but one of the school runs and worked evenings when the kids were smaller so we didn't need to pay for childcare.

However I've always done the bulk of the housework (even when working more hours which was ridiculous!) so that's the trade off. If he's at home more he should be doing more of the housework, stuff like emptying the dishwasher, putting a wash on, tidying up through the day.

its not 'materialistic' to want a partner with work ethic and ambition.

OP I think you need to talk to him about what you want for your future, and if he doesn't want to contribute you need to show him where the door is - this man is holding you back.

This.

You find attractive what you find attractive. If it’s not working for you, end the relationship and seek out someone who is more driven and earns more. It might be in both your best interests; he can also move on and meet someone who has lower expectations of his earnings.

As above, whatever you do, stop doing all his laundry, cooking, and cleaning.

You've grown apart, it happens. However the situation might be recoverable, but you need a serious discussion between the two of you.

I think it's a good thing you are clear and honest about what you want in life. You might find that living with someone who is as driven and ambitious as you is not all that easy either though.

I’m with you on this. I am a winner, I dated winners and I married a winner. I love him very much and we’re well suited. However, on a fundamental level, we are clever, well educated, attractive people who earn a lot of money.

So only well educated, attractive people who earn a lot of money are “winners.”?

A teacher, social worker, nurse, paramedic, etc. who contributes massively to society, but doesn’t earn a lot, isn’t a winner?

I don't think you should be cooking and cleaning for him.

You clearly want to be with someone with money and he doesn't have it so you should probably leave.

Not everyone who works in high income jobs stays there long term as they can be very stressful and also people can get ill etc.

It does sound a bit like your main criterion for a partner is money which sounds a bit... well, not great at best and gold digger at worst.

no, they clearly said 'on a fundamental level' - that was separate from being winners.
and you cannot deny that being successful and hot is winning in life.

To buy a good flat in a desirable bit of London (central) you need two excellent salaries not one. So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get.

This isn’t always true. Plenty of people have managed to buy a good central London property themselves. So if that is your goal maybe YOU need to work harder.

As for your bf get rid. He’s happy to just sit back and let you do all the housework, that’s not on at all.