To be losing attraction to DP because of his career?

[breezea]

I expect to be told I’m a nasty son so for this.

But AIBU to think I might be losing attraction to DP slightly because of his career?

We are both late 20s. Met at uni where we were both doing PhDs. Been together four years and lived together for three. He is a wonderful guy and although we had pretty serious issues early on, for the past two years it’s been great. We have our own niggles but don’t we all?

I will preface by saying that I am very money driven. I grew up poor in an immigrant family and so for me, wealth is very important. I am very ambitious and as such I have what many would consider a high flying career.

When I met dp, he had similar ambitions. He wanted to go into a niche role which is very coveted and extremely well paid. He’s applied numerous times for these jobs but never gets one. This is down to him being potentially naive and over confident in his abilities. He doesn’t have the skill set required despite being very bright.

He has now found himself feeling defeated and heading down a career path doing something he doesn’t want to do. He has decent hours and the pay is good but not maybe 1/5th of what I thought he would be earning.

So now we are at a point where I significantly out earn him. To buy a good flat in a desirable bit of London (central) you need two excellent salaries not one. So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get. He has started joking that it’s fine that he can be a stay at home dad or I can look after him, but even when he does have free time, I end up cooking and cleaning for him. I do all of his laundry for example.

The relationship has run its course.and you have outgrown your partner.
You both started off on the same path but he’s strayed off it. You are seeing his weaknesses such as lacking certain skills and his tendency to overestimate himself.
Time to end this, sadly.

The OP is getting the sort of reaction from many posters that I would expect from a forum of bitter misogynists.

How far into your careers are you both?

Can't be that far. You both 20
Something

Things change. People progress and develop at different times

I found my career in my early 30s

I class myself as a "winner"
I'm not attractive or rich or a high flyer.

What I am is happy - in a job I love that gives me a lot of job satisfaction. It isn't well paid but I feel valued by my boss and workmates.

I have been married to my soul mate for over 40 years, and while we aren't wealthy we aren't poor either. We live in a nice house that we own outright.

I have friends that never pull stunts like the ones I read about on here. I get on with my neighbours and workmates.

Oh, and DH pulls his weight around the house 😁

Absolutely not true in my case. Her DH's lack of ambition and unwillingness to pull his weight in the house are unattractive traits that would put me off, but her very materialistic attitude is also unattractive.

First off all I am also the child of immigrants who grew up in abject poverty so I get where OP is coming from; my own poor upbringing was also what drove me but maybe you missed that bit.

No, I didn’t miss it, I’m also the child of poor immigrants, but it doesn’t give me the right to demean other women who take pride in succeeding.

I told OP what I achieved - ON MY OWN

But OP has also achieved her success ON HER OWN. Why are your achievements more deserving of respect than OP’s? She now wants a partner who matches her in ambition, what’s wrong with that?

I took issue with OP making out that she somehow “deserves” / has an “entitlement” to certain things just because she works hard because the implication is that those who don’t reach the same heights can’t or won’t be working as hard as her and therefore are less deserving.

That’s bullshit and you know it. Literally all she said was ‘So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get.’ She said none of what you’ve inferred. If you took from that that the OP is entitled then that reveals your own misogyny. She has not implied that others who aren’t as successful as her don’t work as hard.

That doesn’t mean I’m in anyway bashing OP for her hard work or what she’s achieved, my comments were in relation to her attitude (which other posters picked up on so it wasn’t just me

Stop hiding behind other people. You were needlessly judgemental and rude about OP’s success and the fact that she dared say she worked for it.

I honestly don’t know why people get so damn touchy when someone mentions luck or privilege playing a part in success, it’s like they think acknowledging it somehow diminishes their or others hard work or skills / talent; both things can be true at the same time.

Are you for real?! You’re the one getting touchy with OP for merely saying she’s worrying she won’t achieve what she worked hard for. She’s the daughter of poor immigrants, you talk to her as if she is Kate Middleton! You’ve extrapolated a whole load of crap from OP’s one post.

It’s not materialistic to be ambitious and not want to bankroll a deadbeat who doesn’t pull his weight at home.

If a man talked about his goals in life, you would admire him. When a woman does it you label her materialistic. You are dripping in misogyny and refuse to see it.

Some men will support their partners to stay at home. All men who do that benefot from cooking, cleaning and free childcare.

In a lot of cases when man is at home due to unemployment or has lower earning job with more free time, woman will still do majority of house and child related chores (like OP).
I can see why women do not want to facilitate that lifestyle.

And for every man that is happy to support a SAHM there is one expecting women to pay for all child related expenses including childcare as it is "her decision to work", and one expectong SAHM to go straight to sharing bills 50:50 although she was out of career for a decade to care for children.

Nope

👍

I wouldn't advise any young woman to stay in a relationship where she's already taking such a disproportionate share of the housework. Men like that tend to get worse as they age, not better, and if they want DC it'll be awful. If he can't even pull his weight when it's just two adults in a flat, run.

Yep.

Agree with this.

The thread’s not about what other MN posters find attractive, it’s about what appeals to the OP.

I think you have outgrown him tbh. Jobs are hard to get esp well paid ones .there is a lot of competition. He probably picks up on how you feel and is feeling under pressure. Going forward you say you don't want a sahd so you may have to think long and hard about your relationship and if its for you

He deserves better.

How do you know that?

If you go on male dominated forums and take them at face value, you would think they were all top global experts in finance, global matters of state and sport who are all brave, principled and intellectual.
On Mumsnet, if we take posters at face value, they are all working full time, juggling kids and they doing the bulk of the housework, while being selfless wives always putting their children and husbands first.

It's funny how the posts are pretty much split down the middle...

He's a cocklodger because he earns less

You're materialistic because you want him to earn more

Anyway, the OP hasn't returned so...

He's a cocklodger because he earns less

IMO he's a cocklodger because he doesn't pull his weight in the house and lacks ambition.

Not being able to match his partner's earnings doesn't necessarily make him a cocklodger.

I have never been able to match DH's earnings because he has a niche specialism (engineering consultant) that people will pay £££ for, and that has taken him all over the world. My skills just aren't as well paid as his.

However, we have both been ambitious and hard working, and both have pulled our weight when bringing DD up and with household stuff.

you would think they were all top global experts in finance, global matters of state and sport who are all brave, principled and intellectual.

In the ones I've been on, they were pretty open about not being brave, principled and intellectual.

On Mumsnet, if we take posters at face value, they are all working full time, juggling kids and they doing the bulk of the housework, while being selfless wives always putting their children and husbands first.

If you don't think it's a very common reality for many women to be working full time while still doing the bulk of the shitwork and deprioritising themselves , well....would you like to buy a bridge?

you would think they were all top global experts in finance, global matters of state and sport who are all brave, principled and intellectual.

Are any top global experts in finance principled?

Agree completely. That poster makes me think of the girlfriend in Jerry Maguire played by Kelly Preston, she dumps him as soon as he stops being a 'winner'. It's a caricature to a point but I guess people like that walk amongst us.

IMO he's a cocklodger because he doesn't pull his weight in the house and lacks ambition.

That is the real issue here, the income aspect is a red herring imo.