To be losing attraction to DP because of his career?

[breezea]

I expect to be told I’m a nasty son so for this.

But AIBU to think I might be losing attraction to DP slightly because of his career?

We are both late 20s. Met at uni where we were both doing PhDs. Been together four years and lived together for three. He is a wonderful guy and although we had pretty serious issues early on, for the past two years it’s been great. We have our own niggles but don’t we all?

I will preface by saying that I am very money driven. I grew up poor in an immigrant family and so for me, wealth is very important. I am very ambitious and as such I have what many would consider a high flying career.

When I met dp, he had similar ambitions. He wanted to go into a niche role which is very coveted and extremely well paid. He’s applied numerous times for these jobs but never gets one. This is down to him being potentially naive and over confident in his abilities. He doesn’t have the skill set required despite being very bright.

He has now found himself feeling defeated and heading down a career path doing something he doesn’t want to do. He has decent hours and the pay is good but not maybe 1/5th of what I thought he would be earning.

So now we are at a point where I significantly out earn him. To buy a good flat in a desirable bit of London (central) you need two excellent salaries not one. So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get. He has started joking that it’s fine that he can be a stay at home dad or I can look after him, but even when he does have free time, I end up cooking and cleaning for him. I do all of his laundry for example.

gold digger? that would suggest op wasn't contributing herself! she's the only one with any gold to dig... op wants an even contribution and a partner with some work ethic - that's not gold digging.

Well, obviously, you can be in a relationship with who you like.

And yanbu housework should be shared 50/50, assuming equal working hours (nothing to do with how much is earned during those hours).

However, I feel like you need to 'work on' the obsession with money/ living in zones 1-2. It's one thing not to want a partner who is lazy/thick but it seems this isn't the case here, and I feel personally that if you chase money rather than personal compatibility, and view your partners as having to measure up to some professional standard rather than cultivating a personal connection, you're less likely to be happy in future relationships.

Alarm bells are going off for me when he said he could be a stay at home husband. My exh said the same. We divorced ten years ago and he is still not working, just pottering around with his hobbies.

I think it’s fine to want someone wealthy as a partner op. I have never been materialistic but I have only worked out recently that every man I have been in a relationship with has not wanted to work. Funny how I have always attracted that type of man. Only because I was hard working and could bring in a regular wage.

If I was young I would definitely be looking for a partner who was earning well in a steady job/career.

Also it's absolutely not true (as a pp said) that working dads don't drop hours. My husband earns less than me (per hour) and took career breaks and now works PT to look after children. He is fantastic.

You can leave for any reason you want but life is long and holds no guarantees. You could well meet someone who shares your drive and income levels - and then they could become disabled, be laid off, cheat on you, walk out on you... in the long run you might find yourself wishing you'd stuck with someone who sounds reasonable and honest (but who needs to step up with the chores, admittedly). The dream you have of two high earners living happily ever after can happen, but it's a risk.

@misszebra You didn’t read this as the poster defining herself as a winner and suggesting that people who aren’t like her must be losers then?

Perhaps I misunderstood what she was saying. If my interpretation was correct though, I disagree with it.

Well it simply sounds like you’re not compatible. It’s not that one of you is right and the other wrong.

if my partner was very money driven it would totally put me off as I find it quite repulsive. But thats what is important to me.

You can’t shape him into something you want him to be, he deserves to be himself. If you want a flat in the centre of London that’s down to you.

You seem to be treating your partner as part of your life plan to achieve what you desire. Maybe find someone who has similar desires - but expect it all to be a very bumpy ride!

You focus on the monetary side of it but is this the bit that is really unattractive to you and more the change in drive he has had?

My partner and I both have PhDs and work in niche areas and I love him for many many reasons but his drive and work is a part of it. For me it has nothing to do with the wage he brings in doing the job and more his passion that is attractive. He went through a job where the working conditions were tough and his passion waned and it made him desperately sad and me too seeing him like that. I stepped away from the cut throat world of academia for my own sanity and was fortunate enough to find a job in a field that fulfills my soul before finding this job I was thinking of joining the circus and was bitterly unhappy. I love job it makes me feel useful and engaged with the world and this makes me a better partner, daughter, sister and friend. I wonder if your other half has lost some of this and that is what feels less attractive and because of your early experiences you are projecting it on to their income.

It sounds like they need guidance to find a new path if the one intended isn't working and maybe you need to reassess what is realistic and what is a pipe dream. A life built around 2 very higher earns will always be stressful there's freedom in knowing all you need is a wage for your lifestyle.

Do you love money or your husband more?

This.

You sound utterly cold blooded, OP. I'm not surprised he's suffering a crisis of confidence, caught between lack of interview success and your towering expectations.

If that's how you feel, that's how you feel. You can't force yourself to find someone attractive. Personally I couldn't give a shit whether my partner is ambitious or not, but clearly it's something that's important to you and you obviously feel it's a value that you'd like a long-term partner to share.

So YANBU to feel the way you do about this.

However... you would be unreasonable to try to make him change. You can't mould him into the ambitious and materialistic person you want him to be. If his attitude to his career and salary are something you find unattractive, you need to start thinking of this in terms of a fundamental incompatibility between you that isn't surmountable. You cannot expect him to plan his career and change his values to meet your desire for money and your ambitions. If you want a central London property, it's up to you to finance that.

To be honest, if you've been together four years, had 'pretty serious issues' early on and only consider the relationship to have been 'great' for the past two years, I don't think this is the man for you anyway. You're essentially saying it's only been great for just half of the time you've been together, and you still have your niggles even now. I strongly suspect you've been kidding yourself that he was the man for you because you assumed when you met at university that he would be a high earner like you, and stuck with him through the 'pretty serious issues' purely for that reason. Now it's become clear that he isn't going to be a high earner, there's not really anything left.

I think you need to end the relationship. Your post makes it sound like you really resent him at this point, and you are obviously not compatible long-term.

I genuinely think you would each be better of with someone else. He is more likely to reach his full potential if being supported (financially, while being despised for it) is not an option. And if material success is essential in a partner for you, then staying with your current partner won't end well.

You can be kind/funny/sweet/(insert positive characteristic) AND successful

People can, indeed, absolutely be kind, funny and sweet as well as being successful.

Your post very much suggests you're not one of them, though.

How do you know your aspirations are the same as his? YOU want a nice flat in central London (and can’t afford it on your own) - maybe that’s not necessarily what he wants? Why should he be financially responsible for YOUR dream?

If you want it, get a better job so you can afford it on your own.

I don’t think that you are being unfair in not finding this change in him attractive but I also think that he is allowed to change his goals.

You are already very successful, well done on achieving your goals I admire you but you are both still young, of course his goals and dreams might change. Maybe you have outgrown him?

I've heard about women so driven they target rich husbands, but I've never met one.

You're entitled to want what you want and do what you need to do to get it.

You won't change him, so you'll need to leave him.

I’m with you on this. I am a winner, I dated winners and I married a winner. I love him very much and we’re well suited. However, on a fundamental level, we are clever, well educated, attractive people who earn a lot of money.

How on earth is it possible to come out with something like this and not realise how insufferable one sounds?

Anyway - OP, your values aren't mine, to put it mildly, and i find it rather startling that you projected a salary you expected him to earn at what sounds like a very early point in your relationship. (This 1/5 of what you thought he would earn - how does that compare to what you earn?). The housework thing would be what I'd be paying attention to. Do you swoop in and do it before he can, or is he leaving it to you? If the latter, you shouldn't be putting up with thatm at all. And you can leave a relationship for any reason you choose - better you break up because he doesn't earn enough for you than that resentment sets in. But I very much agree with the PP who said (I paraphrase) the important shit isn't the money, it's someone being absolutely, unshakeably on your side, whatever life throws at you.

I mean, your feelings are fine of course, dump him and find someone richer. Good luck.

Depends if you want the flat and the two huge incomes which you think are really important ( as you get older you’ll learn that they really aren’t) , or the guy.

simple. Just make the choice.

This.

Do you want children, if you want to be a high flyer in business and he would be happy to be a stay at home dad, that could be perfect. If you can only 'love' an equal high flyer then it's dead in the water. If he doesn't do his share in the house even when you earn more (work more?) then that may be a deal breaker.

you cannot deny that being successful and hot is winning in life

You need more than those two qualities to win at life.

I used to work in an industry in which I met a lot of very successful and hot people. I don't think I'd really consider many, if any, of them to be 'winning in life'. Very few of them were actually liked by the people who knew them personally, most of them were neurotic and insecure, their romantic lives were mainly a toxic shitshow and they were mostly not at all interesting to have a conversation with. Generally speaking, they were not happy people and didn't really have proper friends.

Oh god just dump him

If he's lazy now imagine when he's 50

To add , I don’t believe that this guys has ANY chance of doing his own washing or any housework, I bet the OP is incredibly controlling and overbearing , he’s probably just given up!

^^

You really need to reconsider this relationship and your values.

It's okay to have preferences and needs for a relationship, but you sound like you have a very specific idea about what kind of niche life you want to achieve with a partner.

Whether or not marriage is on the cards, any long term relationship should be faced with the same level of sincerity and commitment.

Say he did get a job that was financially 'acceptable' to you.

What if...

• he lost the job?
• couldn't get another and had to work a minimum wage job?
• wanted a total career change and had to start at the bottom again?
• WANTED to become a stay at home dad?
• became depressed and unable to work?
• suffered from a long term health condition and couldn't work? Or maybe needed care from you?

Your tone suggests you'd dump him in a heartbeat.

I'd really suggest mulling the above over and consider if you'd really stay with him or anyone of any of the above should occur.

If money is really that important to you then as another PP said release him and only date the top .5% of earners in the UK.