To be losing attraction to DP because of his career?

[breezea]

I expect to be told I’m a nasty son so for this.

But AIBU to think I might be losing attraction to DP slightly because of his career?

We are both late 20s. Met at uni where we were both doing PhDs. Been together four years and lived together for three. He is a wonderful guy and although we had pretty serious issues early on, for the past two years it’s been great. We have our own niggles but don’t we all?

I will preface by saying that I am very money driven. I grew up poor in an immigrant family and so for me, wealth is very important. I am very ambitious and as such I have what many would consider a high flying career.

When I met dp, he had similar ambitions. He wanted to go into a niche role which is very coveted and extremely well paid. He’s applied numerous times for these jobs but never gets one. This is down to him being potentially naive and over confident in his abilities. He doesn’t have the skill set required despite being very bright.

He has now found himself feeling defeated and heading down a career path doing something he doesn’t want to do. He has decent hours and the pay is good but not maybe 1/5th of what I thought he would be earning.

So now we are at a point where I significantly out earn him. To buy a good flat in a desirable bit of London (central) you need two excellent salaries not one. So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get. He has started joking that it’s fine that he can be a stay at home dad or I can look after him, but even when he does have free time, I end up cooking and cleaning for him. I do all of his laundry for example.

@hydriotaphia are you referring to my post? I just want to clarify I didn’t say dads don’t drop hours, I said that I didn’t know one who had dropped hours/taken parental leave/became SAHD that parented the way the mum was happy with. I’m glad you’re happy, but specific to the background, career and aspirations of the OP I’ve not seen it work out and it becomes pretty acrimonious.

Ok, I'm bored.

Most London property now is hard to access unless you have family money.

Say you want a nice London flat, like this one.

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/146597099

On at 2 million.

High income careers these days are stuff like investment banking, programmers with Amazon/apple/Google etc.

Investment banking starts out at about 30k a year and you can go up to base of quarter to half a mill but the vast majority of your pay will be bonus. So it's going to take you a few years even in investment banking to earn enough to get the deposit and pay the mortgage. Easier if there is two of you I will admit.

Google U.K. staff earn an average of 385k per year but that will (like investment banking) be heavily skewed towards a few people earning a lot more.

High income careers aren't the route to wealth they used to be. House prices have gone up a lot more than salaries in the last 20-30 years.

If you really want a nice London flat and are driven by money start hanging out where all the really wealthy people are in London - and that's not the high income jobs.

Why are you relying on HIM to partially finance the lifestyle YOU want? Let’s say he lands the job you want, you buy the swanky place in London, then you split up. You are screwed then and back to square one. Keep your financial independence, earn and pay for the things you want yourself, and then a partner is a nice addition on top. You can then choose the partner you want based on who they are rather than the partner you need based on what they earn.

That being said, if ambition and drive is something you find attractive, it doesn’t sound like he ticks that box, which is perfectly valid.

To be fair, 2/3 of those (home, health) are certainly things that are drastically easier to achieve with some wealth.

You have maintained your ambitions, his have changed, you now have different priorities. Time to end it in as friendly a way as possible, nothing wrong with doing that.

I think you should split with him now so that he can stop wearing time with someone who is only interested in being with a high earner.

To buy a good flat in a desirable bit of London (central) you need two excellent salaries not one. So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get.

Actually no you don’t “need” two excellent salaries, I own a 5 bed house mortgage free in what is considered a desirable part of central London & I did it all on my own (it took me to the age of 35 though & maybe you want to get there faster).

I’m also a child of an immigrant family who grew up in poverty and one thing my parents drummed into me was that I couldn’t rely on anyone else to fulfil my dreams & if I wanted something, I had to make it happen on my own.

One thing that’s really bothered me about your post is the notion that you somehow deserve something just because you work hard, the vast majority of people work hard and get nowhere near the money it takes to afford a flat in a desirable part of London; a lot of them will also be doing jobs a lot more worthy and important to society than the job I did to ultimately make my money. I’ve also worked extremely hard and done well for myself but the hardest job I have ever done, was working in care for minimum wage to put myself through uni; I actually still live with the physical injuries and pain that job caused me (herniated discs).

You really need to check your privilege & acknowledge how much luck plays a part in these things; it’s not just about “working hard” and to pretend it is, is very insulting.

I have a life limiting illness and probably won’t get past my mid to late forties (if I’m lucky) so money isn’t everything & I say that as someone who has a similar background to you.

👏

You don't seem to respect this unfortunate, low earning man.

For that reason alone you need to break up with him.

Before I retired, I worked very, very hard.

I didn't earn much, though.

Would the OP look down on me because of this? Probably.

But someone has to be a nurse/ midwife/care home manager.

I agree you're just not compatible.

PhDs are great but can be connected with a "how can I find myself" intellectual vibe

It sounds like you'd be better off with someone who got into the City milkround or started work soon after graduating and has that money mindset, or who has invested well or something.

If you're a high earner I presume you can easily access certain social circles through your work colleagues.

Your husband probably feels he wants a break from the (low paid but pressured) PhD, self-reflection, finding himself....if it's going to give you the ick though you can't let it go!

Late 20's, no children, just finished qualifications...breaking up is easier than being resentful.

I do think things like this are important.

Incidentally I'm more of the personality of the husband...and I am very sure lots of driven men wouldn't consider me LTR material for this reason!

It's fair play, I don't want someone nagging me over not applying for Microsoft ;-).

You do not sound at all suited and I think the relationship is drawing to an end.

Partners don't have to have equal drive and earning power but they both have to be happy with what each does bring. For you both partners earning well is important but he doesn't care. So he isn't right for you is he?

I think the nail in the coffin though is that he's happy to enjoy your earnings and possibly not work at all but he's not prepared to offer anything in return and expects you to be his domestic skivvy as well as breadwinner. If I had any sympathy for him before I read that, it soon disappeared! Lazy, unambitious, selfish, sexist and scrounging - yuck!

OP, is it really his career that is giving you the ick or is it his lack of oomph to do something proactive to get into an area that he does enjoy (even if it's not as highly paid)? He has 40 working years ahead of him and that's a really long time to be doing something he doesn't want to do. Also, the fact that he is sitting back and letting you do all the drudgery work is pretty shit. Stop doing it.

I'd argue he infantilises himself - the cooking and the cleaning he can't do?! Pah, he's basically her kid.

OP, I would feel how you do. He sounds like a layabout cocklodger that expects you to earn AND do everything else. It's not a materialism thing, I don't think. It's "his values don't align with yours".

You can marry for love AND money. They do exist.

Break up . The relationship is over . Nobody can say you are right or wrong in what you value but you can't make him fit your idea .
You need to go and find someone who matches your priorities better .

Split now before it’s too late

Most people don’t have the earring potential you describe. Luck plays a part in getting a job, especially high end jobs like you describe. When I say luck I mean, a first impression is created within the first minute or so. If an interviewer is outgoing they might prefer more outgoing candidates so straight away quieter candidates will be at a disadvantage. The same can be said for the opposite.

You sound shallow imo to place such importance in significant earnings and your expectations are disproportionate to average salary. You say it’s his lack of ambition, but someone could be fiercely ambitious but in a role that isn’t well paid. What would that mean for them?

Money motivate you as you say but I think you may be shitting in your own nest in the future if you place such high value (ironic) on how much a potential partner earns. If you met someone that owned their own multi million pound business, they might think you don’t earn enough and are put off by you …..

I’m not saying he’s right for you, if he’s a loser then get rid, but it’s the emphasis you place on money I think will bite you in the arse in the future

Because the OP thought he was going to be well paid, that is what attracted her to him. Now he isnt being as well paid as she thought he is less attractive.

I cant believe this thread.

Where is the love? Seriously? You’re robbing him of finding someone who truly adores him. Let him go and in fact, why bother with marriage if all you care about are finances? Dreadful.

Also, fucking well done you, OP, for the successes you have made of yourself.

There are so many threads on MN of women stuck with cocklodgers or simply those not pulling their weight. This guy can't find the household and nor will he clean it. I'm so glad you won't be one of those trapped women accepting less than they deserve.

I married someone like that once. Get back from a whole day of working, he's been at home, and he hadn't even picked the post from the doormat. It's that he has no drive, not that he doesn't earn X.

What a surprise - a one-post wonder.

I wonder if she asked to swap “For better, for worse” with “For better - or else!” in her wedding vows?

Well who’s the clever one in the relationship OP? The one doing the earning AND the cooking and cleaning?

@breezea you seem to be an extremely shallow person OP!!! did you ever really love him or was it just what you thought would be in his wage packet??

What I take from your post OP is that you are putting wealth and position above everything else, including your relationship with your DH, if you are now considering he isn't right for you. Even though you have come from a poor background, money isn't everything and sadly you may eventually realise that.