To be losing attraction to DP because of his career?

[breezea]

I expect to be told I’m a nasty son so for this.

But AIBU to think I might be losing attraction to DP slightly because of his career?

We are both late 20s. Met at uni where we were both doing PhDs. Been together four years and lived together for three. He is a wonderful guy and although we had pretty serious issues early on, for the past two years it’s been great. We have our own niggles but don’t we all?

I will preface by saying that I am very money driven. I grew up poor in an immigrant family and so for me, wealth is very important. I am very ambitious and as such I have what many would consider a high flying career.

When I met dp, he had similar ambitions. He wanted to go into a niche role which is very coveted and extremely well paid. He’s applied numerous times for these jobs but never gets one. This is down to him being potentially naive and over confident in his abilities. He doesn’t have the skill set required despite being very bright.

He has now found himself feeling defeated and heading down a career path doing something he doesn’t want to do. He has decent hours and the pay is good but not maybe 1/5th of what I thought he would be earning.

So now we are at a point where I significantly out earn him. To buy a good flat in a desirable bit of London (central) you need two excellent salaries not one. So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get. He has started joking that it’s fine that he can be a stay at home dad or I can look after him, but even when he does have free time, I end up cooking and cleaning for him. I do all of his laundry for example.

Why is he not getting jobs?

You say he doesn't have the skill set.

He has a PhD- what else does he need for these jobs?

Is he so out of touch that he can't read job specs and work out if he's qualified or not?

I’ve never met a materialistic person I admire. Ugh.
Imagine a man saying he doesn’t fancy his partner because she doesn’t earn enough.
But stop doing all the housework - that’s the real issue, not a man who doesn’t reach your shallow financial standards.

Yes but how can they afford a child when even now they can't buy a flat for two people? It would be on her income alone.

Better to date someone who is already established in their life / career. You won't be the first to base a relationship on what you thought would eventually happen, only to find the reality is different.

So leave him, it's not working for either of you.

It's not about fancying him though is it ?

It's about not having the same values and ambitions.

OP doesn't want to be carrying him and all the mortgage being on her income when he COULD we assume, earn more.

But OP does find materialistic people (or career/money oriented people, however you want to look at it) attractive, so it's really kind of a moot point that you don't.

She knows what she wants. Some people like money and stuff and it's better that they pair up with each other than with people who don't find that attractive, or who don't connect on that level.

As a slight side point, I think there are very few women who would find it attractive for a man to talk about being looked after.

And OP certainly shouldn't be doing his donkey work. They sound incompatible and he's already staking out a norm where she does the earning AND the home running...something many women are familiar with and not one of them seems to like.

Wow.

Money isn't everything. It sure as hell helps. But it isn't everything. If you live your life chasing money over everything else - companionship, friendship, kindness, support, respect.....you'll be forever unhappy. In my opinion, anyway.

There's a balance to be had. Some people don't earn as much as others. They are not lesser people because of it.

I don't think you are being nasty op
You are entitled to feel how you feel but you must decide what your priorities are and what you want out if life. If money is more important to you than your partner you should leave him as it seems he is not motivated by money, the difference in priorities are likely to become a much bigger issue as time goes on

@breezea He's not a wonderful guy is he?

He's lazy, not ambitious enough (for you) and doesn't want the same things. You've pretty much belittled everything he does.

Using the 'excuse' you had a poor background is pretty lame.

You want a certain type of partner and he isn't the one.

Four years together is not a lot.

Move on and don't waste time.

You simply are not compatible. The relationship has had problems all along and you clearly don't like him much.

I feel sorry for people who are so money driven, it is so shallow and materialistic...
You know you can get sick and not being able to work? That can happen to anyone. What then? Will your life not make sense?

You don't love him anymore and really that's all you need to know.

You need to leave him. Your goals in life are totally different and neither of you will ever be happy. That is the pure and simple answer.

I wouldnt find this attractive either. He doesnt have to be completely goal driven, and obviously it's disheartening to be turned down for roles. However there is so very much out there for people wanting to upskill, retrain etc from workshops to online advice and forums it's all there.

& why doesn't he go for roles he's qualified for, as opposed to those he isn't? There's nothing wrong with what you want at all, 'money doesn't matter' or thinking a woman shouldn't say she'd like more of it so as to have a certain lifestyle, is just silly. Life isn't a fairytale. But if your aims aren't aligned your relationship is pretty much doomed anyway. He'll be coasting along, secure in you being the hardest worker and higher earner.

You have some decisions to make.

I think a lot of people are missing the 'London' issue.

In London if you want to buy you need two high earners ( 6 figures) or an inheritance to get you started even at the bottom of the ladder. You're looking at £600K as a minimum for central London for a tiny flat conversion.

OP can see that owning a home is not even possible with this guy.

"I do all of his laundry for example."

If he doesn't know that that's not on, without being told, that's a deal breaker. These things tend to get worse, not better, when children enter the equation. Get out now.

Op it's fine to not want to be with him anymore.

I wouldn't either. The not pulling his weight at home would put me right off. And suggesting he could give up work would have me out the door.

I actually think it's sensible to be recognising the life you will build with him isn't the life you want. Regardless of the reason why. But I think finances can be a big deal breaker, so if you aren't on the same page , it's best to go your separate ways.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a plan and wanting to stick to it. Even if the plan is based on money. Theres nothing wrong on leaving and looking for someone you love AND who is ambitious and driven. Just because you love (or used to love) someone, doesn't mean you are compatible and have to be together.

It's somewhat easier (though still difficult) if you begin with a small house in Greater London or Hertfordshire. If OP is earning in the region I'm guessing she is, and her partner is earning something, that's possible albeit still hard.

I don't think OP should be hell bent on a central London home as their first purchase; not many people ever do that. Perhaps a little adjustment of expectations. But if she and the guy aren't on the same page and don't want the same things, that's unlikely to be resolved. It's easy to get sidetracked with talk of materialism and filthy lucre when the point of contention is salary, but it comes down to the same thing. It's not about being a wonderful spiritual person, it's about building your life with someone who has the same goals.

What do you mean you’re not going to achieve what you want to? If you’re not with him you won’t anyway. You’re literally looking at him like he’s a cash cow.

To examine your own true motivations you can ask yourself 'why is that important to you' about 2 or 3 times, again after each answer you give.

For example; Why do you want to be wealthy and have a good flat in a desirable part of London?

Because I grew up poor and want to prove myself.

Why is it important for you to prove yourself?

Because if I earn a lot of money and buy nice things with it, people will look at me in a favourable way.

Why is looking good to other people important to you?

Because I don't want to feel bad about myself like I did when I was poor.

Etc etc, obviously your answers might look different to this, but its really important to have a clear look at what it is you really want. Because most people want a partner to have companionship, emotional and practical support and potentialy to have a family with. You seem to want a partner as a means to an end, to support your 'ideal' future life. Is that's what you really want then so be it, but it doesn't sound like what your partner wants, so it may be that you have different values in this way. It isn't unusual for people to break up during their 20s/ early 30s, when people are still developing somewhat.

I don't think posters should be calling him a cocklodger though - he's made a crap joke about it, that's all! As things stand, he is working and earning - just not at OP's preferred level!

Agree that he ought to do his share of domestic chores but I'll be honest, most people will sit back and let someone else do it, if that someone else seems willing.

But none of that matters now - the feeling has gone, you want someone different, so the kindest thing is to end it sooner rather then later and hopefully you both meet partners more attuned to your own thinking.

Slight warning though OP, men who earn a lot can also be lazy and entitled. And not always kind or supportive - if a relationship is founded on both parties always bring ambitious, working hard, earning lots, it can come apart if anything goes wrong. We are all one accident or illness away from disability, unemployment etc. choose a man who is kind and respectful first.

Being in your late twenties is a prime stage for moving on from someone. I wouldn't blame you, OP.

I think ultimately he’s not the one that you will be happy with in the long run. And you know what you should do!

I would dump you over this.

If money is your primary goal then focus on making as much money as you can rather than expect somebody else to do it for you.

I would not want a partner who think my most important quality is how much money I have in the bank.