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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask sister to clean up

146 replies

Rebellion86 · 16/04/2024 13:07

I know I'm going to sound ungrateful here so please go easy on me 😅.
I work 2 night shifts per week. Same 3 nights on rotation, eg Mon & Thurs, Mon & Saturday, Thurs & Saturday. The Saturday nights I work my kids go to their dad's house. When I work Mon & Thurs night my younger sister stays at mine and mind's kids. Until just before Christmas my mum would stay,but her night shifts have changed to the nights I'm working.
My sister is great and I'm so appreciative of the fact she minds my kids for free. I'd be stuck without her. My issue is the mess she leaves behind. I've no problem with her making food, eating whatever she wants, I always make sure the cupboards are stocked so she can help herself to whatever she wants. She just never cleans up after herself. Sometimes her useless bf comes over too, he's another story, and there's 4 times the mess.

This morning kind of crossed the line. When I leave for work at night there isn't a thing out of place. Not even a cup in the sink. When I come home this morning after a hard night the place was a mess. 4 plates and 4 sets of cutlery lying in the sink. Cups everywhere. Glasses of juice left on living room floor that one of my kids had accidentally knocked over. Juice left then to dry in so a sticky dirty floor. Empty food packages they'd used sitting on the worktop above the bin. Spilt food dried into the top of the oven.
My worktop had to be wiped of spillages straight away or else they soak into it and stain. I've said this to her before, but this morning there was tea and blackcurrant juice spilt on it that wasn't cleaned off and it has now stained the worktop and it will be hard to remove.
Her bf must have stayed last night because when I went into my room it just had that 'man smell'. He leaves before I come home because he knows I'm not fussed on him.

Like I say I know I should be grateful of the free help, and I really am, but is it too much to ask her to clean up after herself or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
Pottedpalm · 20/04/2024 15:46

Luxell934 · 16/04/2024 14:34

Ultimately she's providing free childcare enabling you to work and earn money for your children and doing you a MASSIVE favour. Should she clean up after herself? Well yes, but in this instance I really think that you are benefiting so much from this arrangement that it would be silly of you to rock the boat to be honest.

This, definitely.

Caroparo52 · 20/04/2024 16:04

Difficult. Free child care with an hour of clean up or pay for child minder? I get how you feel her trashing your lovely house but she is doing you a favour.... Grit your teeth and wizz through the cleaning with gratitude you've saved a fortune

pineapplesundae · 20/04/2024 17:56

Sounds like your sister is trying to lay the groundwork for a fight so she will have an excuse to stop babysitting. You have to deal with the mess or find alternative care for your children.

JustMyView13 · 20/04/2024 18:10

I think you need to have a chat with her, because some of this stuff is laziness - would you do that at home!? - type thing. Maybe she would?

However I do think for the amount of childcare she’s providing, largely you’ll have to suck up the ‘lived in’ look.
Plates in the dishwasher, spillages cleaned up and sides given a quick wipe is fair. Beyond that, I think you’re being unreasonable.

LookItsMeAgain · 20/04/2024 18:48

WiddlinDiddlin · 20/04/2024 15:02

I'd have it out with her - you're not asking much, and if she kicks off, point out that if you have to pay for child care/cleaning/repair for shit she's damaged, you cannot afford to pay for her horses feed/bedding etc!

That should be enough to put a rocket up her arse, because I bet she knows damn well you spend WAY more money on her horses needs than she's 'repaying' by slobbing in your house twice a week some weeks.

This.

Totally this.

She is living her best life and you're breaking your back paying for it.

If you leave a clean house to go to work, you expect to return to it in the same state. End of.

You might not be paying her directly, but by covering the livery costs of her horse, you're paying a hell of a lot more indirectly. She had better wake up and realise that.

JMSA · 20/04/2024 18:54

If you're paying her, then she absolutely shouldn't be leaving a mess.
I mean, she shouldn't be leaving a mess anyway. But I'd be more inclined to let it go if you're getting a freebie.
Sorry, haven't read full thread.

JMSA · 20/04/2024 18:58

I've just seen that she doesn't want payment. I'd insist on it if the arrangement is to continue. How are they ever going to get their own place if they have no money?!
So I'd go down the paid route, and ask her to tidy up after herself.
Shame on your mum though, for enabling this behaviour!

nadine90 · 20/04/2024 19:14

I can only imagine how frustrating that must be to deal with after a night shift…
But free childcare is worth its weight in gold! Try to reframe it. If it takes you an hour to clean up, a cleaner would charge what - £30? If you were paying for childcare, it would cost 3-5x more than that.
Could you get something to put something like a vinyl cloth on your worktop and ask her to keep cooking mess to that cloth so it doesn’t stain? And ask could you make sure cups aren’t left on floor for kids to knock over. Any other mess that won’t leave lasting damage though, I would see as worth it for the free childcare x

Poodleydoodley · 20/04/2024 19:30

I doubt you’ll get far with her changing her behaviour. I’d suggest just trying to get a win on her clearing up spills on the worktop.

exaltedwombat · 20/04/2024 19:54

"My worktop had to be wiped of spillages straight away or else they soak into it and stain."

Is this really a thing? Seems like a basic design fault for a kitchen worktop!

Lorrainedrops · 20/04/2024 20:10

Yes you provide food etc but that doesn't mean she should be disrespectful to you and your property regardless of you sitting for free.

EmmaLou51 · 20/04/2024 21:01

Could it be that she’s knackered after looking after your kids and just wants to flop on the couch without doing the washing up? I’m not saying it’s what I would do but maybe it is just a case of sucking it up especially as it’s such regular childcare. I personally though wouldn’t have a male non family member sleeping in my house with my kids when I wasn’t there, and definitely not if I didn’t like him. Not to be too scaremongery but I feel like there are very few people I’d trust to look after my kids overnight, my sister would be one of them- her boyfriend wouldn’t. But I can see how that might also piss her off if you say he’s not allowed over.

OldPerson · 20/04/2024 21:21

What you've realised is that there is a cost to every childcare.

She looks after your children for free.

She has no intention of also looking after your home.

That is the cost of your childcare.

If you don't like it, find other childcare and pay for it in cash.

Original poster
Rebellion86 · 20/04/2024 22:35

exaltedwombat · 20/04/2024 19:54

"My worktop had to be wiped of spillages straight away or else they soak into it and stain."

Is this really a thing? Seems like a basic design fault for a kitchen worktop!

It's a white/cream and grey granite worktop and can soak up stains from dark liquid such as tea, she doesn't take milk, currys, turmeric based things if they're not wiped up straight away. There are a few tea stains on it from her tea, other people would not notice them but I do

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebellion86 · 20/04/2024 22:37

EmmaLou51 · 20/04/2024 21:01

Could it be that she’s knackered after looking after your kids and just wants to flop on the couch without doing the washing up? I’m not saying it’s what I would do but maybe it is just a case of sucking it up especially as it’s such regular childcare. I personally though wouldn’t have a male non family member sleeping in my house with my kids when I wasn’t there, and definitely not if I didn’t like him. Not to be too scaremongery but I feel like there are very few people I’d trust to look after my kids overnight, my sister would be one of them- her boyfriend wouldn’t. But I can see how that might also piss her off if you say he’s not allowed over.

My kids are in bed before she arrives, I leave my house spotless before I go to work, any mess that there is to clean up is her own, not mine nor the kids

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebellion86 · 20/04/2024 22:43

JustMyView13 · 20/04/2024 18:10

I think you need to have a chat with her, because some of this stuff is laziness - would you do that at home!? - type thing. Maybe she would?

However I do think for the amount of childcare she’s providing, largely you’ll have to suck up the ‘lived in’ look.
Plates in the dishwasher, spillages cleaned up and sides given a quick wipe is fair. Beyond that, I think you’re being unreasonable.

I'm not looking her to clean the house though, I'd never expect that. The house is spotless before I leave, the kids are already in bed. All I want is her to clean up whatever dishes or utensils she uses. She doesn't have to provide any meals at all for the kids, and I'm home in time for them getting up in the morning, so any mess is 100% hers

OP posts:
LolaLu1980 · 20/04/2024 23:20

Not really addressing the issue but have you tried this on the worktop stains, worked a treat on my similar light coloured kitchen worktop xx

https://amzn.eu/d/ae6mwO4

exaltedwombat · 20/04/2024 23:22

Rebellion86 · 20/04/2024 22:35

It's a white/cream and grey granite worktop and can soak up stains from dark liquid such as tea, she doesn't take milk, currys, turmeric based things if they're not wiped up straight away. There are a few tea stains on it from her tea, other people would not notice them but I do

Show quote history

Well, OK. But why anyone would choose a worktop that can't cope with an un-noticed tea spill beats me!

Original poster
Rebellion86 · 20/04/2024 23:41

exaltedwombat · 20/04/2024 23:22

Well, OK. But why anyone would choose a worktop that can't cope with an un-noticed tea spill beats me!

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Thousands of people have granite worktops. And when I put my kitchen units in it cost us 10k, I wasn't going to ruin the look of it by adding laminate worktops

OP posts:
Applescruffle · 21/04/2024 00:12

Now that we have all the info, I am starting to wonder if you could actually save money (as well as time and hassle) by sacking her.
Its not really childcare in the sense of nannying or something like that. The children are in bed the entire time, so it's actually just babysitting.
I bet you could find a local teenager for the price of what you are spending on all her snacks and on her horses and without having to clean up after a 31 year old princess who has sex in your bed with someone you hate.

Kisskiss · 21/04/2024 02:14

She’s doing you a masssssive favour so I would just suck it up and let it go. If she wasn’t helping you, the childcare bill would be absolutely enormous!

Curtainsforus · 21/04/2024 03:37

Rebellion86 · 20/04/2024 22:35

It's a white/cream and grey granite worktop and can soak up stains from dark liquid such as tea, she doesn't take milk, currys, turmeric based things if they're not wiped up straight away. There are a few tea stains on it from her tea, other people would not notice them but I do

Show quote history

Turmeric stains will disappear in sunlight - have had them on wooden rental furniture and panicked but they have just disappeared

crew2022 · 21/04/2024 06:08

even if you could find someone you trust to stay overnight with your kids then I think the cost would be prohibitive.
i think you will have to suck it up and try and overlook the mess. I know it must be really tough and you could try some casual / gentle reminders but I don’t think you can risk saying more.
at the end of the day (or night 😂) having to spend an hour cleaning for free childcare from a relative you trust to be overnight with your dc is a small price to pay.

Yoonimum · 21/04/2024 07:54

She sounds a slob but free child care is hard to pass up...She stays and you put up with her mess but BF absolutely not allowed to stay. Can't believe they were in your bed and left used sheets - eugh!

Singlespies · 21/04/2024 08:06

Overnight childcare is impossible to find, so perhaps put up with the mess but pay for a cleaner the morning after.