To ask sister to clean up

[Rebellion86]

I know I'm going to sound ungrateful here so please go easy on me 😅.
I work 2 night shifts per week. Same 3 nights on rotation, eg Mon & Thurs, Mon & Saturday, Thurs & Saturday. The Saturday nights I work my kids go to their dad's house. When I work Mon & Thurs night my younger sister stays at mine and mind's kids. Until just before Christmas my mum would stay,but her night shifts have changed to the nights I'm working.
My sister is great and I'm so appreciative of the fact she minds my kids for free. I'd be stuck without her. My issue is the mess she leaves behind. I've no problem with her making food, eating whatever she wants, I always make sure the cupboards are stocked so she can help herself to whatever she wants. She just never cleans up after herself. Sometimes her useless bf comes over too, he's another story, and there's 4 times the mess.

This morning kind of crossed the line. When I leave for work at night there isn't a thing out of place. Not even a cup in the sink. When I come home this morning after a hard night the place was a mess. 4 plates and 4 sets of cutlery lying in the sink. Cups everywhere. Glasses of juice left on living room floor that one of my kids had accidentally knocked over. Juice left then to dry in so a sticky dirty floor. Empty food packages they'd used sitting on the worktop above the bin. Spilt food dried into the top of the oven.
My worktop had to be wiped of spillages straight away or else they soak into it and stain. I've said this to her before, but this morning there was tea and blackcurrant juice spilt on it that wasn't cleaned off and it has now stained the worktop and it will be hard to remove.
Her bf must have stayed last night because when I went into my room it just had that 'man smell'. He leaves before I come home because he knows I'm not fussed on him.

Like I say I know I should be grateful of the free help, and I really am, but is it too much to ask her to clean up after herself or should I just suck it up?

Get some silicone mats for your worktops so at least she doesn’t ruin them any further. Very cheap on Amazon. Ask her to dump all the crockery and glasses in a washing up bowl then at least they are contained. I’m not sure you can get her to do much else if that is her form.

I thought you were going to say she was a teenager not 31! I wouldn't mind the dishes too much as long as they were in the sink/kitchen and any pans left with water in to soak but the spills and empty packages ..... I'd expect my dc to clear that up and put things in the bin from at least the age of 10.
I'd also address the issue of the bf. If sister feels she'd rather sleep in a bed than the sofa - and yours is the only one available fair enough but that doesn't mean anyone else can! I'd certainly be having a few words in her shell like.

I would connect it to something everyone would think is reasonable ie the spilt drink stained the counter, I’ve bought some kitchen roll and left it here - if there are any spills do you mind cleaning up at the time. And see if things improve.

How would she take it if you said clean and tidy the kitchen after you use it pls. You’ve wrecked my worktops.
If she kicks of, tell her to start cleaning up after her horse everyday or she needs to live him.
Your original post made it sound like you do nothing for her but that’s not true.
She will (with bad grace I imagine) start showing a bit more respect.

Difficult one. I think you risk losing your free overnight childcare. Depends what's more important the childcare or the mess. Sister I can see just thinking it's not worth it and walking away from giving you free childcare. The horse issue is separate surely.

Why don't you tell her the boyfriend isn’t welcome to come over any more as he leaves such a mess. Go into detail about the level of mess. You both know it's your sister that makes the mess, but allows you to have a conversation about it without it being directly against her. If she doesn't change, bring it up again as another discussion. If she stops babysitting in protest, tell her that you will then have to start charging her for keeping her horse, so that you can use that money towards childcare. Be prepared with details of where else she can move her horse to and their costs. I don't know her, but surely she would realise how good she has life and back down.

I think I'd get some glass protectors for the worktops because she's not going to get her head round that and just say that as she's doing you a huge favour you don't mind doing her dishes if she makes sure all dirties are in sink and rubbish in bin. That's more than reasonable

With your updates my opinion had changed from “suck it up it’s free overnight childcare” to “confront her”. She’s getting free horse care from you both in terms of your time but also financially you’re buying the materials needed. She already “owes” you so the feee childcare isn’t really free it’s just a barter transaction.

She is also not a teen/very early 20s sister enjoying the freedom of being in by herself as i’d originally imagined. She’s 31!!! She should know how to stick empty packets in the bin and wipe around kitchen after using.

You said she offered to babysit and you were originally going to change shifts. Is changing still an option? If so I’d come down quite firmly on the “tidy your mess” side knowing she might decide she isn’t helping (in which case I’d start charging her for horse care!). If you can no longer change shifts then use a gentler approach but still discusss. Explain the impact it had on you eg you leave for work with clean kitchen and children asleep and when you return to sort kids breakfast and get them to school it’s too messy for them to be having breakfast and needs a lot of cleaning. This cuts into your sleep time which is limited as you need to collect children from school also. Blah blah blah.

The boyfriend sleeping in your bed is disgusting. I’d be locking your bedroom door and providing air bed for your sister those nights. Why should you come home and sleep in a used sheets?? You wouldn’t so every day you changing sheets just so you get to sleep after night shift. Again explain this impact ot her and emphasis you have limited sleep time as it is and changing sheets limit this further.

It's a difficult one.

My mum does one morning school run a week for me when I get home from nightshift. Its free childcare at a time when it wouldn't be easy to get childcare and it's about an hour a week. But the mess I come in to is ridiculous, last week the toilets hadn't been flushed, DS had missed the toilet slightly and there was urine on the floor that he didn't wipe up. There was Nutella all over the sink. Every plate had been used in the kitchen and sitting out, juice all over the floor, pyjamas all over the living room floor, rubbish and dirt scattered all over the hall.

I get that it's not her job to clean my house but nothing fills me with rage more than having to do 30 minutes of cleaning after a horrendous shift before I can get to my bed. I don't think there's anything we can do to change the situation but you have my sympathy.

Oh come on.

The woman is out working and comes home to her clean and tidy house being left in a terrible state. Would you not wash a few dishes and even leave them on the drainer to dry if you were the sister in this situation? I can't understand leaving any spilled drink to go sticky on someone else's floor.

That's not ungrateful. That's coming home knackered and having to clean up after a lazy person!

Pay her for looking after your kids and ask her to clean up after herself

Pay for a cleaner to come in for an hour each day she is babysitting. It will still work out loads cheaper.

She is probably grateful to have a house to herself for the night if she still lives with parents etc therefore I don’t think she will stop staying over if you tell her to cleanup

have a word nicely and just say that even if she doesn’t wash the dishes could she stack them nicely and just bin any rubbish and wipe up any spills

It sounds like such a ridiculous deal that you have consistent over night childcare that I would expect a small bit of mess.

You could gently ask her not to make a mess but if she continues to there is not much you can do except pay for a cleaner or get childcare?

I'd ask her if she would mind not leaving things in the living room as the kids may knock them over. Do you have a dishwasher? Would she put things straight into it rather than onto surfaces?

In your shoes I would send your sister a very nice message reiterating how appreciative you are of everything she does and would ask her nicely if she could tidy up a little bit after herself. I’d make the tone of the message very nice to avoid her being upset. And tbh, if it doesn’t work and the house continues to be a tip after she spends the night, I’d just put up with it because having someone you can trust watching your children over night for free is amazing. I am sorry OP, this is not an easy one to fix.

One thing is to be grateful she is helping with the children, another is not wanting your house trashed. The two are not mutually exclusive. Her kind offer to care for the kids does not give her a green light to wreck the OP’s house and possessions.

I'd mention it in the same way you've described it on here, it's not unreasonable to ask her to clean up after herself - if the kids are in bed she's not actually doing any active childcare (presumably it's rare they'd get up in the night?) and it sounds like you're doing her a favour by providing her the space, not to mention the horse!

"I'm sorry to have to bring this up sis and I know I've mentioned this before, but I feel like it's getting a bit out of hand and it's actually really impacting me when I come home from work. I am always careful to leave everything clean and tidy for when you come over, but last night I came home and ... Describe all the shit, the damaged stained worktops, spilled sticky drinks on floor ... It took me X amount of time to get it clean again while I was absolutely exhausted from work, and my worktop and carpet are also now ruined. If it's not too much to ask I'd be really grateful if you could at the very least please just make sure you wash up what you've used and make sure any spillages are cleaned up straight away? "

I think it would be a good thing to have some clear boundaries.

No waffle. Keep it to 1/2 things.

Remove juice stains etc from work top. No other person to sleep in my bed. And because I do appreciate you doing this for me, here is a voucher for xyz.

It's called a s*it sandwich. It's not what you want to say, it's how you deliver it.

It’s 2 nights a week but considering the kids are in bed already by time she gets there she has no “minding” to do, she’s literally been present!!! Also OP has since said they have a horse each which OP looks after cleans out provides bedding etc and sister basically said her babysitting is returning the favour so she’s still getting something in return and doesn’t have a thing to do while there apart from make a mess!! OP does far more looking after her horse for her 😂 Besides all that she’s flipping 31 years old……the whole time I thought she was talking about maybe a 20 year old or whatever 🤣

The horse aspect was a massive fucking drip feed though. I don’t think most of us were aware of that wee detail when we originally replied.

Toooldforthis36
Maybe a few nights of the place being an absolute shit tip for her arrival?
This I’d a fab idea but could seriously backfire, could end up having to clean all of the mess plus more!!

Maybe just say, could she put all the crockery in hot soapy water in the sink and have a quick look round and see what needs putting away before she goes to bed because it would be such a help for you! You never know, start with sutle.

The horse issue isn't separate because it is saving the sister money, so it means that the childcare is less of an outright favour and more of a quid pro quo. Also, I hadn't realised that the sister was 31!! That changes my feelings a lot. 31 is far far too old to be behaving like a grotbag.

Sorry, I had completely forgotten about it at the time of posting because I've been doing it for so many years it's just part of my routine now