To ask sister to clean up

[Rebellion86]

I know I'm going to sound ungrateful here so please go easy on me 😅.
I work 2 night shifts per week. Same 3 nights on rotation, eg Mon & Thurs, Mon & Saturday, Thurs & Saturday. The Saturday nights I work my kids go to their dad's house. When I work Mon & Thurs night my younger sister stays at mine and mind's kids. Until just before Christmas my mum would stay,but her night shifts have changed to the nights I'm working.
My sister is great and I'm so appreciative of the fact she minds my kids for free. I'd be stuck without her. My issue is the mess she leaves behind. I've no problem with her making food, eating whatever she wants, I always make sure the cupboards are stocked so she can help herself to whatever she wants. She just never cleans up after herself. Sometimes her useless bf comes over too, he's another story, and there's 4 times the mess.

This morning kind of crossed the line. When I leave for work at night there isn't a thing out of place. Not even a cup in the sink. When I come home this morning after a hard night the place was a mess. 4 plates and 4 sets of cutlery lying in the sink. Cups everywhere. Glasses of juice left on living room floor that one of my kids had accidentally knocked over. Juice left then to dry in so a sticky dirty floor. Empty food packages they'd used sitting on the worktop above the bin. Spilt food dried into the top of the oven.
My worktop had to be wiped of spillages straight away or else they soak into it and stain. I've said this to her before, but this morning there was tea and blackcurrant juice spilt on it that wasn't cleaned off and it has now stained the worktop and it will be hard to remove.
Her bf must have stayed last night because when I went into my room it just had that 'man smell'. He leaves before I come home because he knows I'm not fussed on him.

Like I say I know I should be grateful of the free help, and I really am, but is it too much to ask her to clean up after herself or should I just suck it up?

if the children are in bed and not need anything just leave a plate of food already prepped and wrapped on the side for your sister, pasta and salad, sandwiches and snacky bits, or whatever you all had for tea. That way the only washing up there could ever be would be her plate and cutlery, a glass and a cup for a hot drink. Also leave a little friendly note like you really appreciate her blah blah blah here’s her tea, enjoy and please rinse plate after. That should work.

also as for her BF yuck! I’d definitely not want him ever sleeping on my sofa, bed or house. Try to discreetly see if she can childmind without him ever coming over. Say it’s your treat to her so she gets a break, put out some nice scented candles and buy a movie for her to watch or pamper stuff so she can have a lovely evening in after her tea that was already cooked by you relaxing and covering the children for you.

I hope that will help. If you are covering her horse already she probably owes you more than you’d ever owe her. Horses are dearer than children!

your mum needs to put some boundaries and rules in place. Then she won’t be wrecking your house either. If she wants to do washing at mums she has to actually wash it, hang it to dry, etc ,etc ,etc. how can someone get to her age and not be doing this stuff! If she just leaves it for your mum to do your mum needs to leave it and not do it. She does not have to do washing for a 31ur old who doesn’t live at home! Your poor mum.

Pay for a Mother's Help.

You said you could possibly change your nights…so change your nights! She clearly won’t change 🥲

Tell her you're sick of having to clean up/ deal with stains/ extra laundry etc after a long shift at work, so you're thinking of changing your shifts. If she really wants to keep 'child minding' (aka having the freedom to lounge around your entire house, rather than feeling stuck in one small room at her boyfriend's nan's house!) then she needs to demonstrate some awareness/ understanding, and offer to act differently, so her presence isn't creating extra stress and work for you. If she can't do that, then maybe it is better for the current arrangement to end.

Separately, why not have a conversation about the horse care? Why can't she do the feeding and cleaning-out at least x times a week? Or pay for the bedding you purchase every year for her horse's stall?

I think @Rebellion86 you could say the mess is getting you down and you’ve decided to stop looking after her horse free and get someone in to look after the kids using the horse money to do that. Might make her think (even if you don’t intend to follow through)!

Why is she so pampered and pandered to?

She is enabled to be a lazy so-and-so at every turn

Why on earth would you expect her behaviour to change?

If changing your shifts is still an option I’d do that. After a long shift last thing you want is to come home to that. I’d never leave someone’s house like that or expect mine to be left like that regardless of whether I was being paid.

I get it’s annoying and she’s doing you a favour, maybe suggest ‘any chance you could dump all dishes in sink before I get back’ and keep it ‘nice’.. doesn’t solve it but may alert her to tidying up a bit which is the mani issue..

At 31 she should be out living her best life, too busy to be tied to siblings doing childcare and dating a loser boyfriend. Does she have low self esteem? Sometimes that can cause messiness.

There’s a lot more to this I’d need to know before making a decision…How old is she? How old are the kids? Does she get them ready and take them to nursery/school??? I appreciate how annoying it would be to get in from work and have to deal with that but ultimately you’re getting free childcare. She’s your sister, not your partner….however I’m sure if you asked her very kindly just to do some basics (ie rubbish in bin) as you’re exhausted she wouldn’t mind

How old is she?

I don’t think you should expect to have drinks left on the floor. I wouldn’t allow my 7 year old old to do that, for the obvious reason of spillage. That’s just basic.

Also don’t expect perfection. Having her leave plates and cutlery in the sink is a compromise. It’s in the intended place, you can clean up as you’re getting free childcare.

packets in the bin is a fair ask as takes second, but wouldn’t argue over it.

Oh wow she is 31! Good god yes I’d expect her to clean up. Your mum also needs to stop doing her washing. Wow.

Imagine if this was a bloke we were talking about. Everyone on MN would be horrified and slating him.

If you click on 'See all' on the OP's posts you will find the answers to your questions

@Rebellion86 The more I read the more I think you have MUG tattooed on your forehead.

She's taking all of you for absolute fools and you're all enabling it.

She basically sits on her arse in your house while your children sleep. She then trashes it, abuses your hospitality and has her uninvited boyfriend stay over

And you look after, feed and basically pay for, her horse.

You have the opportunity to change your shifts and you haven't.

Why on earth not? What is wrong with you (and the rest of your family)? Who appointed her Family Princess?

Get your shifts changed and get her gone!

I'm completly changing my answer.

You look after and provide for her horse for free AND you provide her food. You ARE paying her and she should therefore be tidying up after herself.
This is not the massive unpaid favour we all thought it was at first. Especially since your children are in bed the whole time and she isn't even doing anything you couldn't get a 14 year old to do.
Secondly she is 31??!! I think I can safely say we all thought this was a young person under 25. That's such embarrassing behaviour from a 31 year old and she needs to sort it out.

The cleanable mess I’d just accept is the trade off for the childcare. The stained worktop you need to call out, “hey sis, something got spilt last night and it’s stained the worktop here. Probably one of kids but would you mind a quick check before you go up to bed and wipe up anything spilled please?”
Curious, how old is your sister?

I have a 21 & 18 year old who are very messy, it’s taking a lot of training. The kitchen sink filled with mucky stuff overnight really pisses me off! Especially as he have a dishwasher… put in it the dishwasher ffs! They both deny it, it’s annoying AF.

As the night shifts are the same on rotation why can't the kids go to their dad each week when you're working?

If its my Saturday night on they go to their dad's, during the week they can't as he starts work at 4am as a delivery driver and isn't home til 2pm

Before Christmas I could have changed my shifts, as I was the only permanent nightstaff, but since then we have hired two other night staff so it's not as easy now, they are happy with their set nights because of it suits their own childcare and I would have to get 2 people to agree to swap their shifts with me

'Hey sis what happened last night, it looked like a bomb dropped in here.' Sisters should be able to talk about things without it causing a falling out, also as a sister she feels rather at home in your house and it sounds like just acts like she would at home. You can nag a bit, but she is doing you a really big favour.

But WHY do you all let her walk all over you all? And actively facilitate it?

I'd have it out with her - you're not asking much, and if she kicks off, point out that if you have to pay for child care/cleaning/repair for shit she's damaged, you cannot afford to pay for her horses feed/bedding etc!

That should be enough to put a rocket up her arse, because I bet she knows damn well you spend WAY more money on her horses needs than she's 'repaying' by slobbing in your house twice a week some weeks.

I honestly don't know. Regarding my folks, I think they are hoping that she comes to her senses and leaves the bf, so they're afraid to say anything to her for fear of pushing her closer towards him. The last time they pulled her on something she took it thick and we never seen her for 2 months. This was last summer, and it turned out the bf was such a prick to her during that time and she felt she'd nowhere to go.

But you??

And the horse??

She'll never change, she has no need to.

Start seeing if it's an option in the future to change shifts