To ask sister to clean up

[Rebellion86]

I know I'm going to sound ungrateful here so please go easy on me 😅.
I work 2 night shifts per week. Same 3 nights on rotation, eg Mon & Thurs, Mon & Saturday, Thurs & Saturday. The Saturday nights I work my kids go to their dad's house. When I work Mon & Thurs night my younger sister stays at mine and mind's kids. Until just before Christmas my mum would stay,but her night shifts have changed to the nights I'm working.
My sister is great and I'm so appreciative of the fact she minds my kids for free. I'd be stuck without her. My issue is the mess she leaves behind. I've no problem with her making food, eating whatever she wants, I always make sure the cupboards are stocked so she can help herself to whatever she wants. She just never cleans up after herself. Sometimes her useless bf comes over too, he's another story, and there's 4 times the mess.

This morning kind of crossed the line. When I leave for work at night there isn't a thing out of place. Not even a cup in the sink. When I come home this morning after a hard night the place was a mess. 4 plates and 4 sets of cutlery lying in the sink. Cups everywhere. Glasses of juice left on living room floor that one of my kids had accidentally knocked over. Juice left then to dry in so a sticky dirty floor. Empty food packages they'd used sitting on the worktop above the bin. Spilt food dried into the top of the oven.
My worktop had to be wiped of spillages straight away or else they soak into it and stain. I've said this to her before, but this morning there was tea and blackcurrant juice spilt on it that wasn't cleaned off and it has now stained the worktop and it will be hard to remove.
Her bf must have stayed last night because when I went into my room it just had that 'man smell'. He leaves before I come home because he knows I'm not fussed on him.

Like I say I know I should be grateful of the free help, and I really am, but is it too much to ask her to clean up after herself or should I just suck it up?

As utterly frustrating as it is, I think you need to tread carefully because she could flip and you don't want to be left without childcare.

With people like this you need to very gently appeal to their better nature, and go softly with her, to make any headway (although you want to shake some bloody common sense into them).

I would go for the couple of things that are most important- worktop and not leaving drinks on floor that can be knocked over.

Use please and I would really really appreciate it etc.

Don't look at it as grovelling, it's a just a tactic to get her to comply.

Good luck it's bloody awful having disrespectful and lazy people like this in your life 😪

As you're doing HER a favour too, I would mention the mess.....gently...and see what happens

If she creates a fuss, I'd let it go and change my working pattern

Goodness! You could have paid half as much and got worktops better suited to the job, that would survive a spill? We live in such different worlds! :-)

Your sister is well aware of her messiness and will have heard it countless times as complaints from other people. It still hasn't changed her behaviour.
I think that you need to be specific - arrive in after your shift with a deep washing up bowl, show it to her and say it stresses me out after a nights work to come in to mess in the kitchen....can you please put all the stuff you use into this bowl, cover it with water and washing up liquid. EVERY NIGHT that you are here. EVERY SINGLE ITEM please.
At least it will be contained. I don't think she will clear every spill and mess so it's futile to expect it.
Get a huge cellophane wrap (the ones they use to protect carpet when painting) and before she comes, cover the areas of counter that she uses with the sticky wrap - it peels right off the next day. No damage or stickiness. DIY places do them. It might give her a message without really saying anything.
You have my sympathy - messy and lazy people they are not bothered one bit looking at their mess! For the rest of us, we long to restore order.
Re the boyfriend, I'm not sure what to say on that....she might be lonely and want some company. It's less than ideal but it sounds like they have a rocky relationship that may not last anyway.

I don’t know what your work experience is, but in your shoes I would suggest you look for a new job which has more child-care friendly hours. You will not change your sister and her messy ways, so you need to look at this from a different way and change the things you can do so you don’t need her help any more.

Then you should

The OP is paying for the sister's horse livery

And while people pander and pussyfoot they're not going to change because they have no need to

She sits in the house while they sleep...

She’s lazy… but watching your kids for free. Pay for a cleaner to come round after she’s come, would cost less than childcare.

Technically it's not free though, I pay for her horses bedding and feed plus I muck him out and feed him every day of the week, putting him I and out of the field, she hasn't had to clean him out or feed him in well over a year.
I do it because I have my own horse to do so I don't mind, but shavings and feed aren't cheap

No. Technically it is free. Because you are not paying her any money.

Conversely perhaps she thinks seeing as she’s providing free childcare perhaps it’s not too much to ask that you wash up if she used something.

I feel your pain about the worktops OP. No matter how many worktop 'savers' or coasters I put down when my DM visits, she will find a bit of clean worktop to plonk a sticky glass on!

Personally I think you should pick your battles. I would focus on the work top as you really don’t want that to be continually stained.

As for the rest of it your sister is doing you a HUGE favour, if you then have to clean up her mess in return I think that’s acceptable, annoying, but fair enough.

Thankfully I'd seen other people's worktops before having my kitchen done so new to avoid white granite. It's ridiculous that they sell it because it's not fit for purpose. Anyway, I think I'd focus on that and the spilt juice on the carpet to have a proper talk to her about. Having to do her washing up I'd probably just live with. She's not going to change who she is that drastically and sometimes you have to pick your battles. Alternatively you could buy a waterproof tablecloth and just lay it over the worktop before she arrives. You are not being unreasonable, but you are rather stuck so I wouldn't cause a massive fall out over it unless you're prepared to stop funding her horse in order to pay for a professional sitter.

Using this as a starting point, perhaps your sister thinks she is doing it for free. Not saying that she is, but maybe she is.
So, give her the option that you’ll pay her for babysitting (find out what the going rate is) and say you’ll stop paying for the livery costs for her horse if she wants paying for the babysitting. You won’t pay both.

You’ll see soon enough which she values more and whether she thinks she isn’t getting paid already for the babysitting.

@Otherstories2002 - there is such a thing as an indirect payment for services rendered, and this would be an example of that.

I think you give her two options: 1) No more cooking/eating at your house (if she arrives at 8pm she could surely eat before, and have breakfast after she leaves); 2) clean up after herself. I'd tell her absolutely no staying over for BF, if she wants him there for a bit in the evening you can live with it but it is extremely selfish to expect you to wash your sheets after a night shift when you want to sleep because some grotty man has been in your bed. I would be mortified at anyone sleeping in my bed bar my siblings and even then I would want to wash the sheets! I'd also investigate swapping shifts with the others - PITA yes but worth trying in case it is feasible and solves your problem.

Also definitely mention the horse if she gets uppity about doing it for free - it's what family does, doing favours to help each other out, e.g. me looking after Red Rum every day.

The whole situation is too confusing and complex for me to really know what’s reasonable. For example you say the kids are asleep and she doesn’t do any actual childcare but one of your complaints is her not cleaning up juice that your child spilt on the floor? And you know the bf is there because of the 4 sets of plates etc.

I did free childcare for someone once and they complained at how many cans of coke I drank - it annoyed me hugely given how much childcare is worth. It’s really up to you whether you want to risk the arrangement by asking her to clean up.

Having a man I don’t like or trust in the house with my young children when I’m out would be such a red line for me though. I would definitely do battle on that issue.

No what I meant by that was she had poured herself a glass of juice that night and left it on the floor by the couch, my child knocked said glass over in the morning when he was getting onto the couch because he didn't see it. If she could be bothered to put it back when she was finished it wouldn't have happened, she just leaves half filled glasses of juice and tea about the place, the floor, the hall table, even the window sills in the living room I've had to lift glasses off

could you mention it to her in a non confrontational way. along the lines of ' I really appreciate you staying with the kids while I work but can I please ask that you do me another big favour & tidy up after yourself when you stay over.' if she feels she's not being 'got at' she might start to clean up after herself.