To ask sister to clean up

[Rebellion86]

I know I'm going to sound ungrateful here so please go easy on me 😅.
I work 2 night shifts per week. Same 3 nights on rotation, eg Mon & Thurs, Mon & Saturday, Thurs & Saturday. The Saturday nights I work my kids go to their dad's house. When I work Mon & Thurs night my younger sister stays at mine and mind's kids. Until just before Christmas my mum would stay,but her night shifts have changed to the nights I'm working.
My sister is great and I'm so appreciative of the fact she minds my kids for free. I'd be stuck without her. My issue is the mess she leaves behind. I've no problem with her making food, eating whatever she wants, I always make sure the cupboards are stocked so she can help herself to whatever she wants. She just never cleans up after herself. Sometimes her useless bf comes over too, he's another story, and there's 4 times the mess.

This morning kind of crossed the line. When I leave for work at night there isn't a thing out of place. Not even a cup in the sink. When I come home this morning after a hard night the place was a mess. 4 plates and 4 sets of cutlery lying in the sink. Cups everywhere. Glasses of juice left on living room floor that one of my kids had accidentally knocked over. Juice left then to dry in so a sticky dirty floor. Empty food packages they'd used sitting on the worktop above the bin. Spilt food dried into the top of the oven.
My worktop had to be wiped of spillages straight away or else they soak into it and stain. I've said this to her before, but this morning there was tea and blackcurrant juice spilt on it that wasn't cleaned off and it has now stained the worktop and it will be hard to remove.
Her bf must have stayed last night because when I went into my room it just had that 'man smell'. He leaves before I come home because he knows I'm not fussed on him.

Like I say I know I should be grateful of the free help, and I really am, but is it too much to ask her to clean up after herself or should I just suck it up?

Eh I'm not being ungrateful, but she is lazy. My mum still has to wash her clothes, she's 31. She leaves them at the washing machine door, doesn't even put them in. Goes to mums 2x a week for dinner, does the same thing, leaves the plates in the sink and heads off 'home' before anyone can say anything to her

Have you got a dishwasher? Or could you get one? Then you could ask her to put the stuff she's used in there. Will be less effort for her (so less likely to piss her off) and will make your life a bit easier.

She won't accept money, she offered to mind the kids, I didn't ask her. Her reasoning was she'd rather be sitting in my house where she can do/eat/watch as she pleases instead of being stuck in bf's room all night. She asked me could she mind them to get her out of his grans, I was originally going to change my nights of work

Maybe a few nights of the place being an absolute shit tip for her arrival?

I suppose it's worth putting up with then

My sister is like this and it drives me bonkers. Every time she comes to stay she leaves a trail of shit everywhere. I don't think you're being unreasonable to not want your house left in a tip, in fact it's just rude to be that inconsiderate.

She won't accept money, I did offer her at the start. Plus we have 2 horses at home, one mine and one hers, I do all the work cleaning them and such and providing bedding for them so she said that was payment enough.
I don't even mind the dishes as much as the worktop. When it was first put in 3 years ago it cost almost 4k🙈 and the amount of stains on it that wouldn't be there if she'd just wipe them off as she makes them

Like I'm not wanting her to come and spend the time cleaning, I want her to just lie up and relax, but just wash her plates as she goes. No one in my mums house will say anything for fear of upsetting her, though they'll all sit and talk about how she comes in and makes a mess and expects everything done for her

No my kids are in bed before she arrives, I don't start until 9pm they are in bed at 8pm on school nights

Don't need to be so rude. I am very appreciative of her help, I just didn't think it was too much of an ask for someone to wash up any utensils they use. I wouldn't care if I had already left loads in the sink to be washed, I would never expect her to wash my dishes and i would tell her not too,it's only because when she comes at night there's not so much as a spoon in the sink

She is very messy in general. She doesn't have a house of her own, her and bf live in his bedroom at his grans. She moved out during lockdown and her room at my mums house was left a tip. Mum and dad were on her case for the last few years about getting the room tidied, it was an absolute sty. It's only been done now because another sister wants that room so she came and took her clothes and left mum dad and other sis to clear out multiple bin bags of rubbish, old makeup, empty packages, it really was a joke

Just as an aside. Get some barkeepers friend powder (Amazon) as it is excellent for cleaning the stains off of work tops. Couldn't manage without it.

This is so difficult. Free overnight childcare is worth is weight in gold but twice a week every week is amazing!

But the mess especially with the boyfriend you can't stand being there too would have me grinding my teeth.

I started off thinking you couldn't say anything but hearing that you look after her horse too makes it seem more of a fair exchange. I'm not a horsey person but I gather livery isn't cheap.

This happened twice for me though both times it was paid childcare. Weekend babysitter and her boyfriend would cook dinner at our house (that was fine and I'd agreed) but was horrified to find they left all the mess and washing up for me. I only needed to ask once though and they always cleared up after that. I did pay a good hourly rate which helped haha! They both lived at home and were used to being pampered so I don't think it occurred to them that I wasn't willing to "play mum" too.

The second time was our after school nanny who used to cook a meal for my kids, hers and herself. Initially she was great and had very high standards but over the years she got very sloppy. The mess when I arrived home was horrendous and I'd spend half an hour cleaning up mess. Her son was a monster shitter and always seemed to have saved it up for my house and the toilet was left in a revolting state. If she remembered to collect up the pans and dishes they'd just be dumped in the sink, not even loaded into the dishwasher. I asked numerous times but she'd just giggle and say she forgot. I was really stuck though because no one else wanted to work 3-7pm twice a week and she knew I couldn't get rid. Until covid happened and WFH became the norm. What a relief! Even after we went back to the office we negotiated flexible hours between us so no more evening nanny. She did really want to return but things had got so bad I couldn't contemplate it. We did give her a nice pay off, as she'd really helped me maintain my London career while having small children but it was definitely time to part ways!

Good luck trying to find a workable solution. It doesn't have to be perfect, just something you can both live with! Easier said than done though.

Oh that sounds horrendous! Thankfully she isn't that bad 😂. I forgot to put in about the horse on my original post.
It doesn't bother me to look after her horse because they keep me sane lol. Livery is very expensive, thankfully we live on a farm so have our own stables and fields etc. I do all the feeding 3x per day every day for 6 months plus the mucking out and everything else taht comes with them, then they go out to the field for 6 months. I would never ask her to contribute towards the care of her horse, but my god he's a dirty boy. A pallet of bedding costs almost 300quid and I buy 2 of these in September to do me through the winter, I never ask her to pay anything towards it even before she was minding my kids for me

There's no such thing as free childcare. My frend had this with her in-laws. She was saving over £200 per month but she 'paid' with her exasperation!

Still, ask her to clean up her mess, that is just basic respect. You are due that.

Oh, just seen the horses issue! You need to speak to her.

I can see the dilemma. I think you could politely tip toe around mentioning this to your sister, with the shit sandwich approach.

Hi Sis, I hope I tell you enough how massively massively grateful I am for all the childcare you do for us. Honestly, we really appreciate it. Really sorry to ask, but do you think it would be possible to have a quick clear up before I get home from work? Just lately the spillages and dishes are getting a bit out of hand and it's a bit overwhelming for me and also it's damaging the sideboard. I know you're doing your best, but thought it wouldn't hurt to mention it since sometimes these things kind of creep up on us! Love you lots, Margery x

How old are your kids? Could they help with cleaning up? I also think you have two issues here. I was about to say you were a CF until you mentioned the boyfriend staying over. I would separate that from the cleaning issue. If they are having sex in your bed, that is a huge no and a violation. If they are just making a mess and your kids are eating as well, I would tell the kids they needed to help clear up (depending on their ages)

ETA. The horse thing actually tips the balance more in your favour, as well. I think you can and should say something.

Can you leave her a ready meal or a something in one dish to oven bake or microwave?
Or put one of those signs up in the kitchen 'Clean up after yourself' 'I am a mum not a maid' or something?

See I would make another arrangement. Her boyfriend doesn't sound like someone I would want around my kids and sleeping in your bed, even alone is massively crossing a line. I would find a back up then tell her it's not working.

I think if you don't pay her then you can't really argue- you could offer to pay something for childcare costs and then I would expect her to clean up for you.

Having her boyfriend stay isn't really ok though unless you agree first.

He leaves before I get home in the morning because she knows I'm not fussed on him, and he doesn't land til I'm gone. I ask the kids if he was there and they said yes. I knew it anyway because there's no way a person on their own could use as many dishes

The kids are 7 and 4, but none of it is their mess. They're in bed before she arrives, she doesn't have to make any meals for them, not even breakfast because I'm home in the morning in time for that

I dunno on this one. Spend the money you are saving on childcare on a cleaner.

I’d be more annoyed about a male I didn’t like staying in my home tbh with my children there, especially in my bed, they’re not teenagers they’re in their 30s! Why are they eating and drinking so much after 9pm?