Date would rather buy a homeless man dinner than me…

[UnPCprinciple]

First date; I travelled an hour by train for a night out with him. Over dinner, we clicked so much, similar sense of humour. We split the bill (he hesitated when it arrived, so in the awkward silence I said “Shall we just split it?”). I actually did want to offer to pay the whole thing because I was having the most amazing time, but since I had paid about the same to get there and I was a student (he wasn’t), I was trying to be careful. But usually if a friend had travelled a fair distance to see me, I would expect to pay for their food and mine.

On the way back to the train station, a homeless man asked for money, knowing people on a date want to impress. So my date takes him to a fast food place, queues, gets to the counter, turns around to ask him what he wants and the bloke has disappeared…

All I can say is I would have appreciated him buying me food a lot more and it made me giggle all the way home 😂

My AIBU is was it a bit rubbish of me to imagine he might want to get the bill as I had made the effort to get there and already paid about the same?

YABU — Stop trying to uphold outdated double standards for men, your travel costs had nothing to do with the date.
YANBU — A little appreciation goes a long way.

I think you are attaching too much emotion on financial rewards. You say you would have paid it all because you had a great time, would you have not wanted to pay if you had a rubbish time?

It wouldn’t cross my mind to pay more if my date or friend had travelled further? Unless they travelled from another country!

I think the homeless person is irrelevant really and him giving to a person in need has no bearing on your worth.

Relationships don’t need to be so transactional. It’s common to pay half on a first date, if you like him then don’t less this ruin it, but if it’s upset you then it’s kinder to call it a day now as you both obviously have different values.

Were you left hanging around while he was impressing you with the homeless man? I'd find that quite annoying.

The performative charity would put me right off, to be honest. Would he have done the same if you’d not been there? Seems doubtful.

I had something similar (without the homeless man) on a first date - travelled an hour or so, about £25 train fare. Had just been made redundant so not rolling in cash.

Wasn't impressed by my date splitting cost of drinks in a pub and only paying for his own cheap lunch in a cafe (queue so he just paid at counter) then I paid mine. I'd have paid his lunch if the situation was reversed and he had travelled.

You're being really unreasonable to think he should have considered paying for you because you travelled further - this would never have crossed my mind and I'd have fully expected to pay my half. So I'd take that out of the equation altogether.

I'd have no issue with a date giving money or getting a quick coffee for a homeless person but agree that whole rigmarole he went through seems performative. It's not something that would stop me going on a second date though if things were otherwise good.

I think it is quite hard these days for a date to know the correct approach. He may have hesitated because he had wanted to offer but not wanted to offend as some women see the man offering to pay as outdated.
I would not judge him for the homeless thing as that may be something he does consistently and not performative at all, in which case, it would be a plus point to me.

I'm with you re him paying because of the travel. If it were a friend, I'd have paid too.

Performative charity aspect is rank. I'd have been annoyed waiting for all that to play out too.

Dodged a bullet. At least you know early doors.

I'm old fashioned and have never paid on a date, but your line of happy to pay because you've had a good time worried me. It's almost like, and I agree I'm ultra conservative on this topic, you're monetarily rewarding him for his company, IYSWIM?

I think you sound horrible.

I wouldn't pay for a friend who had travelled a greater distance, what a weird thing to think. Never encountered that before.

Buying the homeless man a burger is nicer than ignoring him but it's a completely separate thing to splitting the bill on a date and frankly it's weird to put yourself in competition with a homeless person.

You do realise that people usually help homeless people because of the assumption that they are in a much better financial position than somebody who is sleeping rough?

Are you actually upset that he viewed you as an equal and not as (to be blunt) a charity case?

Yabu

And weird

So what if you are a student?

YANBU, I did this on a first date once - bloke had travelled a couple of hours to see me in my city (his suggestion entirely). When we went out to dinner I paid for both of us as I appreciated his effort and the fact he'd already spent a good amount of ££ to come and see me (also saving me the inconvenience and expense on travelling to meet half way).
As PP said performative charity is very off putting, also him "hesitating" over the bill spells out cheapskate to me. Perhaps if you'd gone to eat at McDonalds it wouldn't have been such a dilemma to him 😄

YABU to resent paying, going dutch is more than fair, as long as for the next date he makes the trouble to travel to you and doesn’t expect you to pay his meal or whatever because he travelled to you.

Keep things balanced and even, don’t do all the travelling or paying because he will quickly take you for granted assume you want to do it.

How far had he travelled? I would have suggested somewhere half way between you!

It wouldn’t occur to me to expect a man to pay more for dinner, because I had to pay more to travel.

And you’re not being rewarded for your company when you don’t pay?

You sound all about the money...

And sorry to state the obvious, but the fact that your date was happy to buy a homeless person a meal but not you speaks volumes about what they thought of the date...

what do you mean you'd paid 'about the same' to get there?
Is it, about the same as he had to get there (i.e. your travel expenses would have been the same) or about the same as the whole cost for the meal was, as in the meal cost you £60 and your train ticket cost £60?

tbf because I worked quite a lot, had a maintenance loan, and lived at home for 4 months of the year, didn't have to pay council tax or run a car and bills were split between the 6 people I lived with, I had a lot more money as a student than I did in my first few jobs, plus all the student discounts so wouldn't take that into too much consideration unless he's got a good job.

You lost me at travelling an hour for a date. This guy isn’t interested in you in any valuable way whatsoever. Men who want to impress, travel to you and don’t quibble over the bill. You need to raise the bar

This would give me the ick. I can't bear people who performatively "help" the homeless - especially by buying them food they don't actually want.

How far had he travelled?

@blossomtoes - no, I see that differently. I would never ask a man on a date so I don't consider being paid for my good company. Whoever asks, pays. If I invited a friend to the theatre, I would pay for their ticket...because I am the host. If a man asked me on a date, it's HIS invitation. I don't invite someone somewhere and expect them to pay.

I would find the queuing for food an ick. Just give the guy money and he can buy what he likes.

I don't like tight men. That's what this guy sounds like.

I would never ask a man on a date so I don't consider being paid for my good company.

Yet you think OP would be paying for the bloke’s company. Feminism has somehow passed you by.

I'm alright with that