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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give up my day off?

729 replies

justbecool25 · 13/04/2024 22:43

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

OP posts:
IsitaHatOrACat · 13/04/2024 22:47

What is DSs mum doing that day? Is she able and willing to help?

Otherwise it's a tough one. If your DP had no partner he wouldn't have you as an option. I can see both sides.

Hiddenvoice · 13/04/2024 22:47

I think you’re being unreasonable. Yes it’s your day off to do as you please but this teenager is in need and I wouldn't leave him alone.

SoupDragon · 13/04/2024 22:49

In these circumstances, you are being very unreasonable.

coodawoodashooda · 13/04/2024 22:49

Yanbu but your coffee will cost you your relationship, if your partner is as decent as you hope.

AllEars112232 · 13/04/2024 22:49

I can’t believe you have to ask!!!
You are being shockingly unreasonable. This child needs help, but you want to go for coffee.

TeaKitten · 13/04/2024 22:49

I think YABU on this occasion. Meet your friend another time.

IgnoranceNotOk · 13/04/2024 22:51

Your DP must be under so much stress with this.
As someone who feels massively grateful I didn’t lose my brother last year and it took all of us to support him and he couldn’t be left alone, please support your partner and stepson and stay at home for one day!

Is this really a question??

JMSA · 13/04/2024 22:51

YABU. I'm really sorry, as I absolutely understand the need for downtime. But imagine if something happened to him. And your partner sounds like a great dad, so it's not like it's all falling on you. He just needs your help while his son is at this very vulnerable stage.
Could you invite your friend over for lunch? Chances are he'd be in his room anyway!
I hope everything works out ok. It's not easy, I know Flowers

FlissyPaps · 13/04/2024 22:51

If he can’t be left alone due to risk of harm or suicide then a serious intervention is needed by professionals. Granted, easier said than done as I know how stretched mental health services are.

YANBU for not wanting to give your day off up. You’re entitled to a break. Your partner should either not go to the office or your DSS mum should be with him.

Saymyname28 · 13/04/2024 22:52

Risk vs benefit. Benefit: you have coffee in a coffee shop. Risk: your partners child kills himself.

..... Worth the risk?

Ask your friend to pick up coffee and come to yours.

Offcom · 13/04/2024 22:53

I’d be resentful but would give my day up because if something happens you’ve got to live with that forever

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 22:53

YANBU. I think you will be expected to give up one or two days every week if you say yes.

DP should drop DS at his mum’s for the day.

Ignore the mumsnet martyrs, they think the only one responsible for step-children is the step-mum, not the actual mum or dad.

IgnoranceNotOk · 13/04/2024 22:53

FlissyPaps · 13/04/2024 22:51

If he can’t be left alone due to risk of harm or suicide then a serious intervention is needed by professionals. Granted, easier said than done as I know how stretched mental health services are.

YANBU for not wanting to give your day off up. You’re entitled to a break. Your partner should either not go to the office or your DSS mum should be with him.

And OP will hopefully be single if so.

Services are awful and there is no help unless suicide is attempted!

Comingupriver · 13/04/2024 22:53

If a neighbours sisters cousin’s friend asked me to help in this situation I would. Have a long hard think, OP.

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 22:54

AllEars112232 · 13/04/2024 22:49

I can’t believe you have to ask!!!
You are being shockingly unreasonable. This child needs help, but you want to go for coffee.

I can’t believe you don’t realise the actual mum or dad should be looking after their actual child.

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 22:55

IgnoranceNotOk · 13/04/2024 22:53

And OP will hopefully be single if so.

Services are awful and there is no help unless suicide is attempted!

Show quote history

Ah yes, with both a mum and dad on the scene, it’s the step-mum who should be guilt tripped into giving up her day off for a step-child 🙄

AllEars112232 · 13/04/2024 22:56

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 22:54

I can’t believe you don’t realise the actual mum or dad should be looking after their actual child.

Show quote history

She’s the step mum. It’s one day!

IgnoranceNotOk · 13/04/2024 22:56

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 22:53

YANBU. I think you will be expected to give up one or two days every week if you say yes.

DP should drop DS at his mum’s for the day.

Ignore the mumsnet martyrs, they think the only one responsible for step-children is the step-mum, not the actual mum or dad.

Edited

The father is with him 24/7. He’s not off to work leaving stepmum sorting it all.
I wonder when her Dear partner is getting a moment to breathe here.

SS doesn’t want to be with mum - he’s only been there for a month too so I doubt OP has been put upon too much especially if she thinks the priority is coffee.

WhatAreYouOnAbout · 13/04/2024 22:56

Could you bring your friend to your house? Or bring the boy with you? Or could you rain check friend and do something with the boy that you might both enjoy a bit and get him out of the house. Sending him so much love.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/04/2024 22:57

Can he see his mum that day? If not can your friend come to you?

What would he do if you were working? While his son is so fragile he needs to arrange his work so he can accommodate being at home. It’s a reasonable adjustment to his caring responsibilities surely.

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 22:57

IgnoranceNotOk · 13/04/2024 22:56

The father is with him 24/7. He’s not off to work leaving stepmum sorting it all.
I wonder when her Dear partner is getting a moment to breathe here.

SS doesn’t want to be with mum - he’s only been there for a month too so I doubt OP has been put upon too much especially if she thinks the priority is coffee.

Show quote history

Nowhere has OP said ‘SS doesn’t want to be with mum’, stop making shit up.

IgnoranceNotOk · 13/04/2024 22:58

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 22:54

I can’t believe you don’t realise the actual mum or dad should be looking after their actual child.

Show quote history

And the dad does - every single day. I’d ask a friend or colleague if I needed to so I don’t think asking someone I love for a favour about a child they hopefully show some emotion for is too much.

Honestly until you see what some people go through you have no idea.

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 22:59

IgnoranceNotOk · 13/04/2024 22:58

And the dad does - every single day. I’d ask a friend or colleague if I needed to so I don’t think asking someone I love for a favour about a child they hopefully show some emotion for is too much.

Honestly until you see what some people go through you have no idea.

Show quote history

But why are you defaulting to the step-mum instead of the actual mum?

easilydistracted1 · 13/04/2024 22:59

Its one day a month. Ideally he'd have some quality time with his mum but if she can't cope then I would spend time with him and keep him safe. However I would definitely encourage him to come out with you and your friend for a coffee or a local activity or have your friend over. Otherwise it's going to be very poor for your relationship long term.

TeaKitten · 13/04/2024 23:00

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 22:53

YANBU. I think you will be expected to give up one or two days every week if you say yes.

DP should drop DS at his mum’s for the day.

Ignore the mumsnet martyrs, they think the only one responsible for step-children is the step-mum, not the actual mum or dad.

Edited

It’s not mumsnet martyrs, and it’s not all about being a step mum. if a 16 year old I new well needed me to stay with them for one day while they were desperate and struggling I’d happily
give up one coffee date to help out. It’s not being a martyr, it’s just not being a selfish bastard.