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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give up my day off?

729 replies

justbecool25 · 13/04/2024 22:43

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2024 05:26

Apolloneuro · 14/04/2024 05:13

One is a responsibility that pays the bills. The other is a coffee with a friend.

if you can’t see the difference between those priorities, I’m baffled.

A couple of posters on this thread are really giving me the creeps. It’s always shocking when people happily out themselves as cold, selfish, horrible humans.

OP send me your address. I’ll come and sit with the boy whilst you grab your coffee. I actually give a fuck about people.

Show quote history

And it’s only football every Saturday whilst op looks after her dss. Op needs down time too. Another solution should be sought even if the boy’s mum isn’t an option.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2024 05:27

How old are you op? I note 25 in your username. I hope it’s not your age as that is too young to be responsible for a 16 year old.

echt · 14/04/2024 05:33

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2024 05:27

How old are you op? I note 25 in your username. I hope it’s not your age as that is too young to be responsible for a 16 year old.

Bollocks.

Teachers. Nurses. They are responsible for 16 year-olds.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2024 05:37

echt · 14/04/2024 05:33

Bollocks.

Teachers. Nurses. They are responsible for 16 year-olds.

Show quote history

I’m not talking physically. Emotionally, as in the role of stepmum to a suicidal teen. Nurses and teachers get to go home of an evening. This lad is living in her home.

PickledPurplePickle · 14/04/2024 05:38

YABVU this child is in crisis and needs help

Can you invite your friend round instead?

rwalker · 14/04/2024 05:50

I would 110% but pissed off and naturally disappointed about loosing my day off and giving up something I was looking forward too.
But I wouldn’t think twice about doing it for a friend of a friend let alone a step child

I can’t believe you think having a coffee is a bigger priority than a suicidal child

personally if my partner did this I don’t think I’d ever be able to look at them the same again. I think it would be the being of the end for the relationship

and sorry to state the obvious but if a woman posted she need to go to work and partner wants to go for a coffee rather than look after suicidal child . He’d be absolutely slated

ohmygolli · 14/04/2024 05:54

I don’t think yabu. But I suppose your DP is reaching out to you for help with this situation in a sense.

I just came to say, this situation is wholly unsustainable.. DSS needs more help if he cannot be left alone at all?

I think this time, you could try and invite said friend over for the coffee? And then speak to DP about the sustainability of the situation, get DSS more help as you can’t all expect to watch and stay with him 24/7. It’s hard for anyone and would affect your MH too.

in future, I would protect the days off but I think considering DP has asked you, you should do it this once, so not to strain your relationship.

tough one as I’m precious about my days off, they’re for me to relax and cut off from stress etc. so I do feel for you.

ohmygolli · 14/04/2024 05:59

Just to add, you sound like a lovely person- some of the responses on here are very direct and unnecessarily aggressive IMO.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, it’s a hard situation but like you said, you probably know what the right choice is to make x

Heydiddlediddle10 · 14/04/2024 06:00

Husband is BU. He should take the day off

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 14/04/2024 06:24

It's the thin end of the wedge. Don't be surprised if you end up being a de facto carer to an unstable teen.

LateAF · 14/04/2024 06:26

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 22:54

I can’t believe you don’t realise the actual mum or dad should be looking after their actual child.

Show quote history

But it’s one day in a month. I’d agree with you if it was a regular thing but the full time living is recent as is the arrangement to watch him. The teens dad only goes to the office once a month.

OPs husband shouldn’t have needed to ask.

LateAF · 14/04/2024 06:28

justbecool25 · 13/04/2024 23:30

I do care about SS, I stay home with him almost every Saturday when DP goes to the football, I have done even before he moved in full time. I rarely get to meet friend and I doubt he'd want to come with me. Partner has said he doesn't want to ask his mum.

I probably will end up cancelling.

Just seen this- I assumed mum had already been asked. Partner should ask the boys mum first.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2024 06:28

LateAF · 14/04/2024 06:26

But it’s one day in a month. I’d agree with you if it was a regular thing but the full time living is recent as is the arrangement to watch him. The teens dad only goes to the office once a month.

OPs husband shouldn’t have needed to ask.

Show quote history

He goes to football every week. It’s not a one off. Op needs down time too.

Delphina17 · 14/04/2024 06:36

Some people are so incredibly selfish. That's you and some of these posters.

If one of my neighbours asked me to give up my day off to help in a situation like this as they had work commitments, I'd say yes absolutely. Let alone an actual family member. What is wrong with some people.

RedHelenB · 14/04/2024 06:42

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 22:54

I can’t believe you don’t realise the actual mum or dad should be looking after their actual child.

Show quote history

Yes they should but as others have pointed out this is a vulnerable teenager. Let friend to come to you for coffee.

Stopsnowing · 14/04/2024 06:46

IgnoranceNotOk · 13/04/2024 22:53

And OP will hopefully be single if so.

Services are awful and there is no help unless suicide is attempted!

Show quote history

I was told specifically my dc would not get hello until they attempted suicide. It was terrifying and outrageous.

ringoffiire · 14/04/2024 06:46

justbecool25 · 13/04/2024 23:30

I do care about SS, I stay home with him almost every Saturday when DP goes to the football, I have done even before he moved in full time. I rarely get to meet friend and I doubt he'd want to come with me. Partner has said he doesn't want to ask his mum.

I probably will end up cancelling.

If this was a 16 year old I cared about then honestly I would not question it.

There's no way I could go out shopping with a friend whilst he needed me.

101Nutella · 14/04/2024 06:47

YABU - you want coffee and a mooch at shops more then checking for stepson doesn’t kill himself? Not a great look.

obvs context is key but his dad is worried enough that he’s on suicide watch. Can he be sectioned to give you all respite and him medical support?

Nonewclothes2024 · 14/04/2024 06:51

justbecool25 · 13/04/2024 23:30

I do care about SS, I stay home with him almost every Saturday when DP goes to the football, I have done even before he moved in full time. I rarely get to meet friend and I doubt he'd want to come with me. Partner has said he doesn't want to ask his mum.

I probably will end up cancelling.

Your partner needs to stop going to football and leaving you with HIS son every Saturday.

Seaside3 · 14/04/2024 06:57

Meet your friend in the evening. Or ask them to yours for coffee. Please don't leave a vulnerable child so you can have a coffee.

TheaBrandt · 14/04/2024 06:57

Seems unfair to me that a step parent has to have this level of involvement. It’s not a “one off” is it it’s mission creep - every Saturday now her day off in the week.

Also not an expert on this but sadly a friend committed suicide when I was a teen and all the counsellors we saw then were adamant that if someone is determined they will and no one else is to blame themselves or can prevent it.

Epidote · 14/04/2024 07:07

Circumstances have changed since you book your day out. I don't think you are unreasonable to want to go out I think you are unreasonable to let the kid unsupervised once that the task has been assigned to you, however there are other two adults that can do it.
If you did have the day off which will be the arrangement, he going to his mam? Your husband WFH? Can you take him with you and make the day out a bit shorter? I'm sure he will be bored but the odd treat will cheer him up.

ttcat37 · 14/04/2024 07:15

No fucking chance. He’s not your child. That burden of responsibility should not be lain upon you. You’re not respite care for his parents. They need to make alternative arrangements.

Sagittarius · 14/04/2024 07:17

You've mentioned your partner going to football on Saturdays, but this was before his son was feeling suicidal and the circumstances changed . Did your partner cancel football yesterday given what's going on, or did he still go?

Noyesnoyes · 14/04/2024 07:18

What a frightening and difficult situation to navigate, but I do think YABU!

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