To not want to give up my day off?

[justbecool25]

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

Correct, I have "zero professional connection" but I do have a geographical connection. He lived quite close to me which is worrying and at some point someone with a "professional connection" deemed him safe to live in the community. Whilst you can't lock people away willy nilly, the safety of the general public must be considered. Just because this boy hasn't been diagnosed as dangerous doesn't mean he isn't. In the same was that ignorance of the law is no defence, an undiagnosed illness doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

I think she deserves her day ‘off’. She has her step son who’s very challenging living in her home full time, she’s not his mother.

Doesn’t surprise me from the anti-step-mum brigade.

I did read thanks.

I also know teens that have committed suicide.

I know I'd sacrifice my day off to help them.

It was an unnecessary nasty, bordering on vile post, that only served to show the one that wrote it in their true light.

The deleted post was made by somebody who has lost teenagers to suicide and is deeply triggered by the thought of another one suffering and possibly being a danger to themselves.

Tit for tat with the insults is only going to inflame feelings which are already running high on the thread.

I don’t know what the post said so my comment has nothing to do with my personal feelings about it.

OP booked a day off. Why should she give up her day off when
A) father could book a day off
B) mother could look after her son

You don’t know A or B is true and OP hasn’t been back to give any clarity around why.

Your husband would like you to use your annual leave to check on your step son. Does he realise this is quite a big ask? Most people get 25 days a year.

I think you should say you’ll do it, if he cancels football so you can your friend can meet up and have coffee and your planned shopping on Saturday instead. You deserve a break too. Your husband just had one.

OP advised the reasons long ago. The boy’s father works from home and has to go into the office one day a month. He knew OP had this day booked and she had plans but won’t come clean with his boss that he’s dealing with a difficult home situation, and won’t ask the boy’s mother to help. Expects the OP to step in, despite the fact that she stays with the child every Saturday while he goes to football. He gets his leisure time but seemingly the majority of posters here think that the OP isn’t entitled to her own, because despite the boy having two actual parents, as the step mum she should be prepared to be the default parent every time.

Most mentally ill people are not rampant knife wielders and posts like this serve only to further stigmatise those suffering from poor mental health

Generally when things like that happen and a professional deems the person safe to be in the community the family and friends have been extremely concerned about that decision because they know the person best and have spotted concerning signs that are out of character for the person and their frame of mind is different to how it has normally been presenting with their illness.

It's also extremely common for it to come out later that the professionals who deemed them safe shouldn't have because there were signs that their mental state was escalating or worsening.

Can you ask your partner to swap with you? So you stay with SS on Monday and he stays on the day he'd normally go to football. Maybe you could rearrange your coffee to that day?

@nailslikeknives
It was yesterday

Obviously this boy's situation is worsening, evidenced in him leaving his mother's home because he couldn't cope there anymore and moving in with his father and his father's partner. He has got worse still resulting in his father moving out of his own bedroom to be with the boy all night, leaving his partner on her own. I think she has been massively accommodating. No complaints about suddenly becoming a full time "mother" to a 16 year old. Taking in any teenager is a big deal but to factor in the potential for suicide takes a truly good person. This is not a one-off situation, weekend break or sleepover, this is for the long haul and depending what treatment the boy gets, and how he responds to it, could be for decades, not just months or years.

Are you suggesting that I am from the anti step-mother brigade. You couldn't be further from the truth. I fully support this woman and applaud her for agreeing to him living in her home. In addition, although I don't have to deal with mentally ill teenagers, I am currently resident in a care home following ill health after the death of my mother from dementia (I was her sole carer for 15 years). Technically I should not be here as it is for the over 65s, not quite there yet and primarily for dementia sufferers, mine is a physical problem. Partially paralysed for 8+ months and had to learn to walk again. I am, however, surrounded by older people with dementia and associated conditions. I have been here for 16 months following 3 months in hospital and to hear people shouting non-stop for literally hours on end and crying out for help for whatever is going on in their heads is soul destroying when you know there is nothing you can do to help them. After a while being in this sort of environment takes a toll on your own mental health and you have to do all you can to protect yourself and keep your own sanity. To take time to care for yourself is necessary so I hope this woman got to meet up with her friend yesterday, but I suspect she gave up her day off to look after her partner's son.

No, not you, the poster who was deleted, and their ilk.

Are you for real....!? This child is feeling suicidal and you're complaining about a day off? Imagine you go for this coffee and he comes to harm, or a fatality..

I just have no words...wow. You should be ashamed of yourself. It's not about you right now.

No of course not, I don't think it's unusual to change a plan and ask someone to pop round for coffee rather than going our, I certainly don't think a detailed explanation would be needed. Surely it's better to have an adult around than just go out and leave him home alone with no support if it was needed.

Thats just my opinion

You clearly haven’t read the OP’s updates. Why are you trying to guilt trip the OP into complying with what her partner wants her to do, when it’s not her child ? The boy has a serious mental health problem. OP’s partner - his dad - leaves her to watch him on Saturdays while he goes to football. So he has his leisure time because OP facilitates it. But OP doesn’t get her own leisure time or get to do things she’s planned in advance, because instead of explaining to his boss why he can’t come into the office at the moment, or even asking the boys’ mother to help, it’s easier for her DP to ask her to cancel her own plans to look after him again. If it’s not about OP right now - then when ? Because it seems to me that as long as she’s there doing what she’s doing, she’ll be left to get on with it so that both the boys’ actual parents aren’t inconvenienced by the fact that he needs suport.

He has to go into the office once a month! He’s asking her to supervise his son who she claims to think the world of for one day!
He’s clearly being a great dad and putting his son first, he’s not left his side, even at night… The real mum sounds burnt out but also sounds like a bit of an arse!!

I’d supervise my SS and rearrange friend
for a day that he’d watch football and tell him if you’re giving up a days annual leave he should give up a bloody footy game

That would be the great dad who goes to footy every home game.
Leaving his son with the OP.

I think if one of my actual friends was suicidal, the rest of us would take turns being there for them. Maybe think of it like that. This boy is your friend, he likes you enough to want to move in with you and his Dad, rather than stay with his Mum.
Could you have your coffee date at your place so you don't have to miss it completely?

Not sure how you can call the mum a bit of an arse but say that the dad is a great dad.

Nothing has been said about the mum except that she couldn't cope anymore.
And that the dad wouldn't ask her because he doesn't trust that she can watch him because she has younger kids to look after.

Interesting how the dad didn't seem to have an issue with that before though and didn't take the son to live with him until the mother said she couldn't cope.

The 'suicide watch' has been a matter of days, his son asked him to stay in the room with him because he was having suicidal thoughts. Surely even the mediocre parents would do that, and it would go without saying if your child asked you. There's nothing great about it