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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give up my day off?

729 replies

justbecool25 · 13/04/2024 22:43

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

OP posts:
Original poster
justbecool25 · 13/04/2024 23:30

I do care about SS, I stay home with him almost every Saturday when DP goes to the football, I have done even before he moved in full time. I rarely get to meet friend and I doubt he'd want to come with me. Partner has said he doesn't want to ask his mum.

I probably will end up cancelling.

OP posts:
user1471554720 · 13/04/2024 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/04/2024 23:31

Partner has said he doesn't want to ask his mum.

Partner's mum or DSS's mum?

Tourmalines · 13/04/2024 23:32

There is no way I could go shopping all giggly and girly and enjoying a delicious coffee while in the back of my mind I’m wondering how stepson is . Obviously he will need to be with someone that day. Isn’t life about caring and helping ? Of course , we all need our time to ourselves but this is one where I would put partner and stepson first giving the situation. It don’t sound like a permanent set up . It’s a one off .

RazzleDazz1e · 13/04/2024 23:32

YANBU. Your husband is…. why is he prioritising going into the office if his son is suicidal and needs to be watched? Imagine if something awful happened that day when he decided to go to his office. I’ll be flamed, but it isn’t your responsibility - it’s you DH and you SS’s mother who should be dealing with this. It’s a horrible responsibility to put on your shoulders and as a parent I simply wouldn’t ask someone else to do this- especially for the sake of having to attend an office. DH needs to speak to his employers about the situation.

RazzleDazz1e · 13/04/2024 23:33

Tourmalines · 13/04/2024 23:32

There is no way I could go shopping all giggly and girly and enjoying a delicious coffee while in the back of my mind I’m wondering how stepson is . Obviously he will need to be with someone that day. Isn’t life about caring and helping ? Of course , we all need our time to ourselves but this is one where I would put partner and stepson first giving the situation. It don’t sound like a permanent set up . It’s a one off .

There is no way as a father I could go into the office.

Saintmariesleuth · 13/04/2024 23:33

@WaitingForMojo absolutely and I appreciate that the poor boy is experiencing a horrendous mental health crisis.

I have personal experience of something very similar- these situations are long and hard for both parent and child. Getting early, appropriate help is vitally important for the boy, and to help reduce stress and burnout for his dad. It's easy to overestimate your capacity to cope and not push for the help that's needed.

OP gently prompting her partner to make sure this is happening will benefit everyone

As I said, the reality is often much more difficult than the ideal situation, and my heart really goes out to this boy and his father

Thecastle1 · 13/04/2024 23:33

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 23:10

Oh bog off with your guilt trips. The first options should be the mum and dad, not guilt tripping the step-mum into giving up her day off and cancelling her plans.

Show quote history

It's ONE day, can a step mum not help for ONE day? The fact op has been asked would suggest the mum isn't available.

You seem to be taking this all very personally

RazzleDazz1e · 13/04/2024 23:34

justbecool25 · 13/04/2024 23:30

I do care about SS, I stay home with him almost every Saturday when DP goes to the football, I have done even before he moved in full time. I rarely get to meet friend and I doubt he'd want to come with me. Partner has said he doesn't want to ask his mum.

I probably will end up cancelling.

Wow- just wow. Your ‘dear’ husband lets you shoulder this awful responsibility whilst jollying off to football and now the office. I would rethink this arrangement OP.

Zonder · 13/04/2024 23:35

justbecool25 · 13/04/2024 23:30

I do care about SS, I stay home with him almost every Saturday when DP goes to the football, I have done even before he moved in full time. I rarely get to meet friend and I doubt he'd want to come with me. Partner has said he doesn't want to ask his mum.

I probably will end up cancelling.

Partner needs to ask mum and you can be the back up if she absolutely can't do it. He is her responsibility before he is yours.

HyggeTyggeDotCom · 13/04/2024 23:35

Seriously?! As a one off to support an extremely vulnerable child how can you even say you resent it? I can’t believe you even ask this question. It’s not about mumsnet martyrs or everything falling to the stepmom. It’s helping someone you love and care about in their time of dire need. Is coffee and shopping really worth it in this instance?

RandomMess · 13/04/2024 23:35

I would ask DP to ask his ex but be prepared to do it if she won't.

It's horrific being the adults in this situation and I'm sure you need a break from it as much as your DP and his ex.

RazzleDazz1e · 13/04/2024 23:35

Don’t let this thread guilt trip you OP. Mumsnet is full of martyrs.

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 23:36

RazzleDazz1e · 13/04/2024 23:35

Don’t let this thread guilt trip you OP. Mumsnet is full of martyrs.

💯

Janetsmug · 13/04/2024 23:38

I've been a SM for a long time and have always been careful not to end up picking up the slack for DH or DSC's mum but I would 100% do this OP. In tough times family's have to pull together and I would feel I'd let my DH/DSC down massively if I said no under these circumstances.

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 23:38

justbecool25 · 13/04/2024 23:30

I do care about SS, I stay home with him almost every Saturday when DP goes to the football, I have done even before he moved in full time. I rarely get to meet friend and I doubt he'd want to come with me. Partner has said he doesn't want to ask his mum.

I probably will end up cancelling.

This is going to creep up to you being responsible for step-son from every Saturday, to two days a week, to all your holidays, to half the week and longer.

Put in place boundaries now. He needs to sort this with child’s mum.

Needanewname42 · 13/04/2024 23:38

I'd explain and invite your friend could come over to your house.

It's all well and good people saying the Mum & Dad should change their plans. Realistically if they are both working they need to minimise the number of days they take off work to mind the boy when they can. Taking loads of days off could be potentially put their jobs at risk.

Lots of MN posters seem to live in ideal worlds where redundancy and discrimination never happens, unfortunately redundancies do happen and one of the things companies score people on is reliability.

dirtyblond · 13/04/2024 23:39

I have questions

  1. for how long and to what extent do you acquiesce to the requests/demands of someone who says they will kill themselves if you don't?

  2. If he is seriously suicidal, why would @justbecool25 being in the house stop him?

  3. How about he goes to school?

HyggeTyggeDotCom · 13/04/2024 23:39

It’s not being a martyr, stepson is OPs family. I can’t get my head around her preferring to meet up with friend than be there for him.

TwirlyWhirlie · 13/04/2024 23:40

Just wow 😮 😮 The boy has been having suicidal thoughts and you’re prioritising a coffee over taking care of him! Yes, he’s not your son, yes his biological parents should be doing it but it’s not much of an ask.

Upallnight2 · 13/04/2024 23:41

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 22:55

Ah yes, with both a mum and dad on the scene, it’s the step-mum who should be guilt tripped into giving up her day off for a step-child 🙄

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I think one of his parents should stay with him. Where is his mum? Or can dad not stay home since its a serious issue? If there was no other option, obviously I'd stay with him, but I'm sure he'd be happier with one of his real parents

Jeezitneverends · 13/04/2024 23:41

Saymyname28 · 13/04/2024 22:52

Risk vs benefit. Benefit: you have coffee in a coffee shop. Risk: your partners child kills himself.

..... Worth the risk?

Ask your friend to pick up coffee and come to yours.

It’s not pleasant, but if someone is intent on committing suicide, they will eventually find a way. No amount of babysitting will prevent it

Sadly lots of people have suicidal thoughts 24/7, but that doesn’t mean they plan on following through with them, it’s just scary disturbing thoughts.

Itsalwaysthelasttime · 13/04/2024 23:42

What about the dad gives up football every Saturday so op can have that day as a day off?

ElloiseMcTavish · 13/04/2024 23:48

RazzleDazz1e · 13/04/2024 23:33

There is no way as a father I could go into the office.

Show quote history

This or let the child’s mother know how much he’s struggling.

It’s really unfair to guilt trip @justbecool25 into staying home or cancelling plans already made when there’s 2 parents to support their son.

Codlingmoths · 13/04/2024 23:49

Lots to think through. Everyone needs to recognise this is a long game. Dp presumably can’t quit work, but he should be able to see that he hasn’t skipped playing football and you’d really like to have a friend catch up that rarely happens, he may not want to ask his child’s mum, but he also may have to. He should explain that his mum loves him and wants to support him too, and he needs someone there all the time so that may be different people, He may not feel that way given she couldn’t handle it in her home, but when he’s older he will understand better.