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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give up my day off?

729 replies

justbecool25 · 13/04/2024 22:43

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

OP posts:
IgnoranceNotOk · 13/04/2024 23:00

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 22:57

Nowhere has OP said ‘SS doesn’t want to be with mum’, stop making shit up.

Show quote history

He’s moved out of her house and has mental health issues.
sounds like he’s more comfortable at his dad’s home even if filled with people like the OP and you.

Starlightstarbright3 · 13/04/2024 23:01

I do get it is so very hard supporting a child suffering such ill Mh .

imagine if you went for coffee he either attempted suicide or even succeeded .

you and partner need breaks but it doesn’t sound safe to do it right now at this time .

what normally happens on Monday when Do works? What is mum doing to support this .

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/04/2024 23:04

easilydistracted1 · 13/04/2024 22:59

Its one day a month. Ideally he'd have some quality time with his mum but if she can't cope then I would spend time with him and keep him safe. However I would definitely encourage him to come out with you and your friend for a coffee or a local activity or have your friend over. Otherwise it's going to be very poor for your relationship long term.

This. DH and mum should prioritise. But if they are unable, I would stay home. I love my day off, treasure it. But this poor child is currently unable to cope. I'd probably do it for a child I didn't know if it was this serious.

Sorry OP, it is difficult. Flowers

Sagittarius · 13/04/2024 23:04

but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts

It's a coffee, and surely it can wait? It is only a couple of days ago hes admitted to having suicidal thoughts, he is still very vulnerable.

I'm not saying it's your responbilty , but just ask yourself how would you feel if you went for that coffee and your SS did something terrible.

Hecatoncheires · 13/04/2024 23:05

Ah, OP, come on now - would you really and truly relax and enjoy yourself with your friend if you went out leaving the lad alone? I understand it’s disappointing. But this is a boy you’ve known for nearly half his life. There surely is no way you’d enjoy your day out knowing he might harm himself.

Saintmariesleuth · 13/04/2024 23:06

I think in this situation I would agree to stay home with the young man. However, your partner staying with him constantly isn't a feasible long term strategy and suggests that the poor son's mental health isn't improving.

Your post doesn't elaborate what kind of mental health support is in place. If you haven't already, I would be raising my concerns with with partner to ensure that his son is getting the right support and that there is an appropriate plan to wean the constant presence of your partner as this isn't sustainable or healthy for either of them long term (and will likely lead to the development of new problems)

I appreciate this is all far easier said than done

SoupDragon · 13/04/2024 23:07

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 22:53

YANBU. I think you will be expected to give up one or two days every week if you say yes.

DP should drop DS at his mum’s for the day.

Ignore the mumsnet martyrs, they think the only one responsible for step-children is the step-mum, not the actual mum or dad.

Edited

Oh bog off with your "mumsnet martyrs" nonsense.

Have some bloody compassion. This is a suicidal boy we are talking about here.

lojanto · 13/04/2024 23:08

YABVU. I shudder at the thought of my DS ending up with a step mother like you, or some of these other posters.

You'd rather run the risk of the stepson you "love and care for" killing himself, then cancel going for a coffee.

Whether his mum or dad should be going it is irrelevant to the fact that you'd willingly leave him in that state.

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 23:08

IgnoranceNotOk · 13/04/2024 23:00

He’s moved out of her house and has mental health issues.
sounds like he’s more comfortable at his dad’s home even if filled with people like the OP and you.

Show quote history

He likes having his own room at his dad’s, that does not mean he doesn’t want to spend any time with his mum.

People like you will tell any lies to guilt trip a step-mum into putting herself last, it’s pathetic.

The people sacrificing their time for their son should primarily be the mum and dad.

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 23:10

SoupDragon · 13/04/2024 23:07

Oh bog off with your "mumsnet martyrs" nonsense.

Have some bloody compassion. This is a suicidal boy we are talking about here.

Show quote history

Oh bog off with your guilt trips. The first options should be the mum and dad, not guilt tripping the step-mum into giving up her day off and cancelling her plans.

IgnoranceNotOk · 13/04/2024 23:14

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 23:08

He likes having his own room at his dad’s, that does not mean he doesn’t want to spend any time with his mum.

People like you will tell any lies to guilt trip a step-mum into putting herself last, it’s pathetic.

The people sacrificing their time for their son should primarily be the mum and dad.

Show quote history

I really don’t give a damn about who is caring for a suicidal kid just that someone is!

Don’t give a crap about step whatever as that’s not the issue. If anyone asked me on my day off if I could watch a mentally ill child for one day then I would say yes!

If your issue is with step whatever then make a post about it as the mental health is the priority here and keeping a child safe.

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 23:16

IgnoranceNotOk · 13/04/2024 23:14

I really don’t give a damn about who is caring for a suicidal kid just that someone is!

Don’t give a crap about step whatever as that’s not the issue. If anyone asked me on my day off if I could watch a mentally ill child for one day then I would say yes!

If your issue is with step whatever then make a post about it as the mental health is the priority here and keeping a child safe.

Show quote history

Er, no, I’ll post on this thread, because THIS is the thread about a step-parent being expected to cancel her plans instead of the actual mum or dad.

If you don’t care about step whatever then make a post about that, because this thread is about a step-mum.

lojanto · 13/04/2024 23:16

Don’t give a crap about step whatever as that’s not the issue. If anyone asked me on my day off if I could watch a mentally ill child for one day then I would say yes!

This. Let alone a child I supposedly loved.

WarshipRocinante · 13/04/2024 23:17

I would give up my day off to watch a friend’s kid in this situation. But you’d rather go for a coffee and a walk round the shops than sit with this suicidal child you supposedly care for? I hope your partner realises who you really are and leaves you.

dudsville · 13/04/2024 23:18

Being with someone who is suicidal in an ongoing way (background at times, foreground at others) is very hard on multiple levels and you all need to work together to make sure everyone's needs are met as best they can be, that includes making sure you get time with your friends. It tops up your battery to help support him and his dad. Especially as this is a long term, ongoing difficulty. You and your partner need to sit down together and work out how to make sure everyone is getting their needs met. My heart goes out to you. I'm v familiar professionally with the heartache of that.

FUPAgirl · 13/04/2024 23:19

OP can't you go shopping tomorrow? And meet your friend at your house on Monday? I don't think it's unreasonable of your partner to ask for your help. He sounds like a great dad.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 13/04/2024 23:20

I understand how you feel but your stepson is crisis and this sounds like the kind of time where family need to rally round. Even if you don’t care to support your stepson you should want to help and support your partner who must be out of his mind worrying his son is going to take his own life.

Could you invite your friend round to your house for the coffee so you can still enjoy your day off to an extent?

WaitingForMojo · 13/04/2024 23:21

Saintmariesleuth · 13/04/2024 23:06

I think in this situation I would agree to stay home with the young man. However, your partner staying with him constantly isn't a feasible long term strategy and suggests that the poor son's mental health isn't improving.

Your post doesn't elaborate what kind of mental health support is in place. If you haven't already, I would be raising my concerns with with partner to ensure that his son is getting the right support and that there is an appropriate plan to wean the constant presence of your partner as this isn't sustainable or healthy for either of them long term (and will likely lead to the development of new problems)

I appreciate this is all far easier said than done

It’s been a few days.

WaitingForMojo · 13/04/2024 23:22

dudsville · 13/04/2024 23:18

Being with someone who is suicidal in an ongoing way (background at times, foreground at others) is very hard on multiple levels and you all need to work together to make sure everyone's needs are met as best they can be, that includes making sure you get time with your friends. It tops up your battery to help support him and his dad. Especially as this is a long term, ongoing difficulty. You and your partner need to sit down together and work out how to make sure everyone is getting their needs met. My heart goes out to you. I'm v familiar professionally with the heartache of that.

It does. But this is one day a month, if that. As things stand it sounds like a one off, not giving up all down time forever.

2proseccosplease · 13/04/2024 23:23

Your partner has asked you to give up a coffee with a friend to help him ensure his son doesn't commit suicide while partner can't be there himself. Yes, you are being deeply unreasonable.

I actually can't believe you asked.

WaitingForMojo · 13/04/2024 23:23

YABVU, OP. Don’t you want to support your partner at an incredibly challenging and worrying time, even if you don’t care about his son?

Codlingmoths · 13/04/2024 23:27

I really think you have to do this. It’s not ok in this situation to say no I like my day off thanks. It is ok to say I can see this is a lot- I know his mum couldn’t handle it but could she/would she do a day a week or an occasional day to take some pressure off you? Also he must want
to see his mum sometimes too?

Luxell934 · 13/04/2024 23:27

The boys mother should stay with him when your husband has an office day but this looks like a one off and your husband has asked you so you should really be supportive and do this for him. He must be under alot of stress. In the grand scheme of things going out for coffee isn’t very important right now.

Angeldelight50 · 13/04/2024 23:27

Comingupriver · 13/04/2024 22:53

If a neighbours sisters cousin’s friend asked me to help in this situation I would. Have a long hard think, OP.

This.

Your partner must be in knots with worry about finding his child dead and you can’t put your feelings aside about missing a fucking coffee? Wow.

Copperoliverbear · 13/04/2024 23:29

I say we are looking after him full time can his mother not have him for a few hours so I can pop out.