To not want to give up my day off?

[justbecool25]

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

I think you need to speak to DSS. How is he feeling, and would he now feel safe being alone for 2 hours if he knew he could call you and you would X minutes away? If not ok, would he mind if your friend came over and had coffee at the house?

I'd do this for a total stranger so I'm not sure why you wouldn't do if for a child you claim to care for.

Obviously the child's parents should be first port of call but then after that grandparents, step parents etc could hopefully step in.

Being a decent step parent involves sometimes rescheduling a coffee date if the child needs you.

You don't want to give up shopping day out in town to support a suicidal teenager you've known closely for 7 years? This suicidal teenager being your DP's son, the most important person in the world to him? This isn't even a regular thing: it just happens the monthly office day for your DP coincides with your day off?

Bloody hell!

If a friend refused this, I'd accept it but never forget it.

If my partner refused it, it would be an instant and irrevocable end to our relationship.

FFS do you know how callous you sound? You sounds so disingenuous. you love your stepson, but you’d rather have a coffee and shop, which you can do anytime, rather than be with him in his need. actually, I think everyone can understand that this is a very difficult situation and that yes you would rather have a coffee and shop but these are things you don’t say out loud. grow up and help your stepson.

There are not many things, I would give up a day off for but this is probably one of them.

Sorry OP. Discuss with your DP how to manage this ongoing as it doesn't sound sustainable.

This is such a difficult situation all round and I see it slightly differently to a lot of other posters.
I see that the boy’s father needs to go to work. I think that the father should take the boy to football with him or do something else with him on some of the Saturdays.
If I were the stepmum in this situation I’d get my friend to come over for coffee/lunch or whatever.
I wonder if the OP is slightly worried about looking after the boy while he feels like this. The stats for completed suicide for boys of this age and up to mid twenties are shocking. It’s all very well for people to say they would definitely help out in these circumstances but is a huge responsibility which is not to be underestimated. A suicide attempt can be the work of minutes and the reality is that if someone tries often enough there is a greater chance that it will be successful.

horrible. it's once a month. How is that even a question? Of course YABU.

Right up until the poor kid dies under her roof on her watch.

ask him to come with you, or ask friend to come to you

Op has later clarified that she watches SS every week while his dad goes to football, and that his dad doesn’t even want to ask is ex to look after her son that day.

Could you bring him to coffee maybe,or ask your chum over for a coffee/lunch .I am sure she wouldn't mind .the poor boy .my friends ds had everything,they had no money worries.he had a good job in London and he was found hanging by her dh.a gf too.please done risk it op .you can go out anytime

Suicide is opportunistic.

When the law changed in 1998 to limit how many painkillers you can buy OTC, suicidal deaths from paracetamol and salicylates were reduced by 22% and liver unit admissions and liver transplants for paracetamol overdose were reduced by 30%. It's not hard for a suicidal person to go to another shop, or buy pills over a period of time, but stopping the act of suicide in the moment makes a very real difference.

friend picks up coffees and brings them to you for a catch up. Sounds like ss needs support now. However this can't go on long term. He needs professional help which I know is very hard to get, impossible I know.

Toughie. I'm usually on the side of that sounds like a mum/dad problem. Also don't listen to anyone who trots out "you knew he had kids". That's irrelevant here.

Personally if mum can't do it instead or this would be detrimental then I would. I really like my DSC so if they just wanted me around then fine. If he's asking you to watch him so he doesn't kill himself that is a TOUGH ask however. If he does "on your watch" then your partner may blame you.

I would be tempted to bring him with me, he can grab a coffee and look round the shops. Maybe give your friend a heads up first and offer to reschedule.

In all honesty if his mental health is so bad he is needing an adult to watch him 24/7 I would be getting him in front of a GP.

As someone who has previously been suicidal and been through teen depression, lived with parent with depression and several bouts of my own adult depression I'd be challenging staying in the house. It feels safe but doesn't help. Too ill for school, yes. But I'd be taking him for a walk / swim / bike ride every single Saturday if he doesn't like football. And on your day off on Monday I'd move the coffee to a retail park so if he doesn't want to join you he can wander round the shops.
Also I'd be cutting the WiFi at 10pm to encourage good sleep routines, depression and most mental illnesses wreck your sleep then the wrecked sleep makes recovery harder.
Good luck to you all!

The kid is currently having a crisis, which started a few days ago. He's asked for help, asked not to be left alone.

Just how is this even a question?

Sorry I missed this bit. The football stops now. It's not fair of him to put that pressure of keeping him safe on you - for football. Work is different.

And I'd be wanting a really good reason for mum not to be getting involved.

Actually, this is a good point about just being in the house perhaps not being enough.

I'd do it if necessary, but that would first of all require more than DP not wanting to ask DSS mother. He should at least try. If she can't or won't do it then ok, no way round it.

The first part, yes.
The second part is putting too much responsibility on him. Life goes on around him. If op wants a friend over and the friend wants to come, then it happens. It isn't ss's responsibility to allow or not.

Is there currently involvement with CAHMS?

Because the boys actual mum is doing nothing at all to help, and his dad goes off to footie every Saturday leaving OP in charge. I think the OP is allowed to feel hard done by in this situation.

You need to postpone your coffee with the friend or ask her to come to yours for a coffee. Support your dp by supporting his son.

If he's actively suicidal, then he needs a parent looking after him.

Your DP needs to book the day off or he needs to go home to his Mum.

It's not your responsibility to prevent him from taking his own life, as harsh as that sounds. Imagine something does happen, how is your DP going to treat you?

Whilst I wouldn't prioritise a coffee and catch up over supporting a very vulnerable, suicidal child, this really should be down to the child's parents to manage.
Either your partner explains that he can't go into the office for genuine reasons, or he needs to ask the mother.
What would he do if his office day coincided with one of your working days and you weren't available?
Like I said though, when push comes to shove, I'd cancel the coffee date. Could your friend come to you instead?