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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give up my day off?

729 replies

justbecool25 · 13/04/2024 22:43

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 13/04/2024 23:50

Zonder · 13/04/2024 23:35

Partner needs to ask mum and you can be the back up if she absolutely can't do it. He is her responsibility before he is yours.

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Yes this, or dp could even take him along.

But more importantly, this child badly needs to be in in-patient psychiatric treatment. Is your oar6ne5 actively working on this OP?

MoodyMargaret11 · 13/04/2024 23:53

OP I understand completely and especially after reading your last update. People think "oh it's just a coffee, how can you leave a suicidal SS?"
But it really isn't that simple. He has been suicidal for 3 years now, your partner has now started sleeping next to him and not letting him out of his sight... This is neither feasible nor healthy for everyone involved. Easy for DS' mum to wash her hands with "can't cope" but you the Step Mum having to pick up all the slack. You have clearly been really patient and supportive to your DH and SS but your own mental health is important too.
I get your DH is scared that DS might do something any moment but the reality is, well he can anyway - when your DH is asleep, when he is in the shower, when he is on a phone call or busy making dinner.. endless possibilities and no one can truly "watch" another person 24/7. You can't live like this indefinitely.
Now seeing your friend is important to you as you dont go out or see people much, so I am guessing it feels very special to be able to do this. Perhaps you need to offload and get support from your friend too, no one can blame you. Given that DS' mum has had such a long break from caring for him, it's really not much to ask that she occasionally trades places with you and DH. In fact, you all should put something regular in place, where she can spend time with her son and takes some of the pressure off you. Very selfish if she doesn't!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/04/2024 23:58

Someone definitely needs to stay with him.

Does his dad need to go to the office? Is it a preference or a work necessity? Or, and only you can judge this, is your partner at the end of his tether with doing 24/7 and in need of a mental health break at the office (such as that is).

Why doesn’t DH want to ask DSS’s Mum?

If it’s necessary for DH to go in and he can’t ask DSS Mum for a good reason, I think you should cancel.

Shakespeareandi · 14/04/2024 01:34

YABVU. I'd stay at home for any 16 year old who'd need company as was possibly contemplating suicide. And if I was your friend meeting you for coffee, I wouldn't WANT to see you if you left a 16 year old, possibly suicidal, boy just so you could see me. No, really. Shouldn't even be a post. You say you really "care" for your SS but not enough to skip a coffee and a look around the shops?

JMSA · 14/04/2024 02:07

RazzleDazz1e · 13/04/2024 23:32

YANBU. Your husband is…. why is he prioritising going into the office if his son is suicidal and needs to be watched? Imagine if something awful happened that day when he decided to go to his office. I’ll be flamed, but it isn’t your responsibility - it’s you DH and you SS’s mother who should be dealing with this. It’s a horrible responsibility to put on your shoulders and as a parent I simply wouldn’t ask someone else to do this- especially for the sake of having to attend an office. DH needs to speak to his employers about the situation.

Presumably he needs to work to keep a roof over his son's head Confused

StormingNorman · 14/04/2024 02:18

I wouldn’t risk leaving him alone in your shoes. You probably need a break with all this worry though. Could you invite your friend over? Or could Dad invite someone to sit (mum, gran etc) while you go out?

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/04/2024 02:23

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 22:55

Ah yes, with both a mum and dad on the scene, it’s the step-mum who should be guilt tripped into giving up her day off for a step-child 🙄

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It's a coffee versus potentially a child's life.

I've been shocked at the attitude of some step mums before on here but this is a whole new low.

Actually makes me despair for mankind.

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 02:27

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/04/2024 02:23

It's a coffee versus potentially a child's life.

I've been shocked at the attitude of some step mums before on here but this is a whole new low.

Actually makes me despair for mankind.

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It’s not just a coffee though is it? First it was every Saturday. Now it’s encroaching into OP’s annual leave and when she has planned to meet a friend. Whilst the actual mum and dad are getting a free pass.

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/04/2024 02:32

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 02:27

It’s not just a coffee though is it? First it was every Saturday. Now it’s encroaching into OP’s annual leave and when she has planned to meet a friend. Whilst the actual mum and dad are getting a free pass.

Edited
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How on earth is Dad getting a free pass when he stays with him every night...works from home...and doesn't let him out of his sight?

Poor bloke must be exhausted.

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 02:36

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/04/2024 02:32

How on earth is Dad getting a free pass when he stays with him every night...works from home...and doesn't let him out of his sight?

Poor bloke must be exhausted.

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It’s what he and his ex signed up to as parents. OP works full time too, she didn’t sign up to monitor a 16yo for years. That’s the job of the mum and dad.

Dad doesn’t seem to have a good reason why mum can’t spend time with her son.

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/04/2024 02:42

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 02:36

It’s what he and his ex signed up to as parents. OP works full time too, she didn’t sign up to monitor a 16yo for years. That’s the job of the mum and dad.

Dad doesn’t seem to have a good reason why mum can’t spend time with her son.

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I agree it's mum and dad's responsibility first but for the love of God this is a suicidal child.

Even if this was a stranger I would feel compelled to help in these circumstances. Let alone the child of someone I was married to and claimed to care for.

I cannot understand the mindset of a person who would prioritise a coffee. I couldn't be friends with someone like that nevermind married to them.

StormingNorman · 14/04/2024 02:46

RazzleDazz1e · 13/04/2024 23:34

Wow- just wow. Your ‘dear’ husband lets you shoulder this awful responsibility whilst jollying off to football and now the office. I would rethink this arrangement OP.

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DH needs a break to avoid burnout himself.

I have experience of this with my DH and the constant worry of whether they will make it through the day is exhausting. I’m five years in now and can judge when we have low days, suicidal ideation days and when we are in the ‘danger zone’. So I do get down time from it but I always have to be alert to the changes in mood, behaviour, dress, voice etc…

My point is that it really does take a village to care for someone who is chronically suicidal. If he’s anything like me, DH will only be able to relax when he has his DS safe at home or in the care of people he trusts. Depending on his relationship with his son’s mum, he may not trust her. Particularly if the relationship with DS was difficult before he moved out. She may be in the ‘trigger’ camp now.

StrongLifeLine · 14/04/2024 02:47

Is the child still receiving care/ help from a medical professional on a regular basis ?
If not, why not ?

I would ask his mother first

StormingNorman · 14/04/2024 02:48

StrongLifeLine · 14/04/2024 02:47

Is the child still receiving care/ help from a medical professional on a regular basis ?
If not, why not ?

I would ask his mother first

Under the care of CAHMS. So underfunded and stretched that there is so little care available as to be meaningless, if any at all.

snackatack · 14/04/2024 02:58

Oh my - some of these posters are harsh.

I don't think people on here are really thinking though what suicidal teens are like. Are you literally sitting in the same room 24/7? Does the teen not have any time alone?

I think you should go for the coffee but not the whole day. Tell your OH you need a deserved break - if he needs your son 'occupied for that time - he or his Ex need to step up - or his mum..

You need 'down time too' .. if you want the relationship to last

Notadoormat4 · 14/04/2024 03:02

I think previous comments are extremely harsh.

Firstly the dad gets time EVERY Saturday whilst OP looks after his son. Did he cancel any football OP so that you could possibly rearrange your coffee?

OP also deserves a break too. The dad should be asking the child's mum and yes he should be asking his own mum if she can help out.

Why does the dad deserve a break but the step mum does not??

If there was absolutely no one else who could keep an eye on the son, then yes OP would have to rearrange. You're not unreasonable to want to go for a coffee at all. What would dad do if he didn't have you?

StormingNorman · 14/04/2024 03:04

RazzleDazz1e · 13/04/2024 23:35

Don’t let this thread guilt trip you OP. Mumsnet is full of martyrs.

No need to mock kindness by calling people martyrs. Thankfully most people wouldn’t feel put upon if asked to help in this situation.

StormingNorman · 14/04/2024 03:21

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 02:36

It’s what he and his ex signed up to as parents. OP works full time too, she didn’t sign up to monitor a 16yo for years. That’s the job of the mum and dad.

Dad doesn’t seem to have a good reason why mum can’t spend time with her son.

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No parent signs up to monitor a suicidal teenager, no more than someone signing up to be a step mum does. You just have to go with the flow.

Before you go all militant step mum on me…this post was about your comments. I have already commented to the OP that I think she needs to take care of herself too. Everybody in this situation needs to take care of themselves and each other.

MariaVT65 · 14/04/2024 03:29

If you use your day off to look after your stepson, i’d also be asking your DP:

-What would he have done had you gone to work that day?
-When do you get a day off for yourself?
-If SS really needs to be watched 24/7, surely he needs professional intervention eg to be sectioned?

doubleshotcappuccino · 14/04/2024 03:34

bellezarara · 13/04/2024 22:53

YANBU. I think you will be expected to give up one or two days every week if you say yes.

DP should drop DS at his mum’s for the day.

Ignore the mumsnet martyrs, they think the only one responsible for step-children is the step-mum, not the actual mum or dad.

Edited

Why are you on a forum that supports women to bash women ? We are all here to get and give support. You can make your point without stooping so low to name calling.
And by the way OP.. you are obviously a caring person because you made the post to check in with others .. if you didn't care you wouldn't have bothered.

LemonPeonies · 14/04/2024 03:42

Perhaps his own mother should do it? I get he lives with you and his dad now but that doesn't absolve his mum of responsibility.

StMarieforme · 14/04/2024 03:59

FlissyPaps · 13/04/2024 22:51

If he can’t be left alone due to risk of harm or suicide then a serious intervention is needed by professionals. Granted, easier said than done as I know how stretched mental health services are.

YANBU for not wanting to give your day off up. You’re entitled to a break. Your partner should either not go to the office or your DSS mum should be with him.

Really?

Even when she 'loves and cares about' DSS? But she declares her coffee is more important than her safety?

StMarieforme · 14/04/2024 04:02

Can't believe some of these responses.

A 16 year old family member is in real need but people think that coffee is more important, or that OP should be resentful.

Dear God.

DreamTheMoors · 14/04/2024 05:02

If the boy is threatening to kill himself, keep him talking. Talking is not doing. I’m so happy he’s talking.

My sister walked home from school one day at lunchtime and just did it. She didn’t tell anyone, she never threatened to do do it.
With a rope.

Same with my dad. With a gun.

But I think if this boy needs someone to stay with him in order to keep him safe, he’s in need of hospitalization and intense psychiatric treatment.

I can’t comment on whether that’s worth missing a coffee over, but I will comment that the boy’s parents should put him in the car and get him to the doctor first thing tomorrow.

Apolloneuro · 14/04/2024 05:13

RazzleDazz1e · 13/04/2024 23:33

There is no way as a father I could go into the office.

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One is a responsibility that pays the bills. The other is a coffee with a friend.

if you can’t see the difference between those priorities, I’m baffled.

A couple of posters on this thread are really giving me the creeps. It’s always shocking when people happily out themselves as cold, selfish, horrible humans.

OP send me your address. I’ll come and sit with the boy whilst you grab your coffee. I actually give a fuck about people.

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