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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner made DS cry

201 replies

MatildaInThePark · 13/04/2024 20:51

I've been with my partner for 5 years and he moved in with us almost 4 years ago (which was unplanned) after my teen DS passed away from suicide.

I've got 3 DC’s but only DS(15 this week) is living with me, my elder 2 are fine with partner and get on well with him.

DS however doesn't, they got on when partner first moved in and would go on walks, play video games, talk about films etc. Partner really got DS to come out of his shell again as he wasn't really speaking when DS passed away as they were close. He had a lot of anger and he had counselling via zoom which he started refusing to engage with.

He seems to be coping fine generally but Thursday was the anniversary of my sons death so I told partner to cut him a little slack if he gives us attitude and with chores etc. Yesterday partner had his children over and they were playing football in the garden, DS gets involved and purposely kicks the ball over the back fence which results them not being able to get my back (it's unaccessible due to it being unsafe). The children are upset as its a special limited edition ball and DS laughs. Partner was furious and took DS’ skateboard as punishment and locked it in his car. DS comes to me to complain and to try to persuade me to let him have it back, I refused but he then told me he wants to die. Partner thinks this is a way to manipulate me as he only says it when he's in trouble

Other times when we speak to him he says he doesn't but it does make me worry.

Today, DS grabbed partners 12yo child's wrist during an argument about a video game, DS says partners child hit him but we aren't 100% on that but DS left a red mark on the child. Partner was furious. DS was smirking the whole time of myself and partner telling him off. Partner then started shouting at him that he's spoilt and needs to stop acting so childish. Partner grabbed DS by the wrist and told him he won't be getting his birthday presents and his friends won't be coming over next weekend. DS was crying and I'm thinking he may have went to far.

AIBU? I do admit I am a little soft on him especially after losing my elder son. I need some opinions and advice from another point of view.

OP posts:
Pantaloons99 · 13/04/2024 20:57

I personally find it really immature behaviour from your partner. It sounds like he reacts in the moment rather than anything else. Taking his skateboard away like that just sounds juvenile. I'm very strongly of the view that we need to prioritise our kids instead of these new men that get brought into their lives. I appreciate your son's behaviour is trying but he has dealt with alot and now some man child and his kids on the scene. It's too much.

Even if he is being manipulative, ( I don't see it that way) your partner should keep his snout out of it. He's your son and you should be dealing with it as you see fit. Not this man.

lunar1 · 13/04/2024 21:02

This dynamic just seems like too much for your son to cope with after the loss of his brother.

Your DS has been through a lot, he needs calmness and your partner seems to match the immaturity of a 15 year old. Yes his behaviour is hard work, but it's not from nowhere.

Does your home ever feel stress free?

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 13/04/2024 21:02

Firstly op, I'm so sorry about your ds. The death of a child is something no parent should have to suffer 💐

I'm there too and also think there have been points where I give my dc a little too much leeway so I get it.

Two things leap out at me here - your ds is struggling a lot. He needs some support, probably totally away from you. Ask the school for some support for him and they can maybe help put something into place for him. It sounds a bit like he's looking for any attention, even negative attention, and he's trying to get a rise out of your dp.

Secondly - your dp knows that he is a child who is struggling, particularly around that date, and he chose to get physical.

I get he is pissed off, your ds behaviour was pretty bloody awful, and shouting I get, but to physically grab him is far too far.

Where do you want yo go from here op?

AlwaysGinPlease · 13/04/2024 21:03

You need to get rid of the bullying bloke and look after your boy. I'm so sorry about your loss. Don't let this awful man ruin your lives.

Soonenough · 13/04/2024 21:07

Sorry I think your son sounds like an obnoxious brat. He is physically hurting a smaller child.
His own personal grief does not give him the right to treat others like this especially after quite a long time. I agree with your partner , you are parenting him out of guilt . Ultimately he needs to find his way in the world that won't cut him so much slack.

FusilliNom · 13/04/2024 21:09

Can your DP move back out again? Give you and your son some space?

Pantaloons99 · 13/04/2024 21:09

@Youdontevengohere almost guaranteed he wouldn't be doing any of this if her partner and his kids weren't on the scene. The partner is no way fit to deal with this.

itsgettingweird · 13/04/2024 21:10

So much to unpick.

Bit before that one thing made me wonder. You said your other ds died by suicide as a teen. Your youngest behaviour has started deteriorating lately.

Is he reaching the age his brother was when he died?

As much as I agree with the above that his behaviour is obnoxious and physical as well as agreeing that your DP reacting equally is not ok.

I think the way forward here has the be finding out the route cause. Which even he may not be able to express

sweatervest · 13/04/2024 21:12

i unfortunately was in a vile position and someone (professional, safeguarding in a hospital) said to me that step-parents are the highest cause of abuse

ZekeZeke · 13/04/2024 21:14

I'm sorry for your loss.
I think you were right regarding cutting your DS some slack as it's his brothers anniversary and a very difficult time for him (and of course you).
Your partner should be supporting you both, not making your son cry.

This is your home. Yours and your son. Your partner moved in with you, not the other way round. Your son doesn't get on with your partner, perhaps its time for your partner to move back out and give you both some space. Your partner is an adult and it looks like he can't control his temper (shouting/physically hurting your DS).
I would put my sons welfare above a boyfriends.

Sweetheart7 · 13/04/2024 21:14

Honestly OP I'm going to be blunt. You should of never of moved this man in your home. It is not working DS needs your attention and your partner needs to move out! He isn't even his father, he also has kids of his own it's all TOO much.

Tell your partner he needs to look for another place to live!

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 13/04/2024 21:16

His own personal grief does not give him the right to treat others like this especially after quite a long time

He was 11 when his brother killed himself and then a new man moved in straight away (if I've read the OP correctly) bringing his own DC for visits. I think he can take as long as he wants to grieve and he's clearly a pretty angry teen. That doesn't give the partner any right to shout, injure and threaten him.

OP I think I'd be kicking your partner out if I were you and concentrating on your son

FoodAnxiety · 13/04/2024 21:17

itsgettingweird · 13/04/2024 21:10

So much to unpick.

Bit before that one thing made me wonder. You said your other ds died by suicide as a teen. Your youngest behaviour has started deteriorating lately.

Is he reaching the age his brother was when he died?

As much as I agree with the above that his behaviour is obnoxious and physical as well as agreeing that your DP reacting equally is not ok.

I think the way forward here has the be finding out the route cause. Which even he may not be able to express

All this.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. Your younger boy clearly has a lot to deal with. I wonder if having your bf and his kids round is just too much for him and he's protesting in the only way he knows how?

He needs your love and support.

Your bf needs to be more supportive to both of you. He sounds like a petulant idiot reacting in the moment and not reflecting on why your ds is acting as he does.

Sending love.

Sweetheart7 · 13/04/2024 21:18

Soonenough · 13/04/2024 21:07

Sorry I think your son sounds like an obnoxious brat. He is physically hurting a smaller child.
His own personal grief does not give him the right to treat others like this especially after quite a long time. I agree with your partner , you are parenting him out of guilt . Ultimately he needs to find his way in the world that won't cut him so much slack.

Are you sure this is a decent man? He moved in with OP after just 12 months!

Despite OP having her own kids and he too has his own kids. Does it not set alarms off that the man has just moved himself into OPs house? Not been funny but OP needs to get her priorities straight and there's several people here all saying similar 🙄 thing!

Dontbeme · 13/04/2024 21:19

I've been with my partner for 5 years and he moved in with us almost 4 years ago (which was unplanned) after my teen DS passed away from suicide.

Do you think your DC is acting out as he feels this man and his DC have swiftly replaced his DB? Is he nearing the age of your other son when he died and it's all just too much?

Cas112 · 13/04/2024 21:21

There is just so much going on OP, I think it would be wise for partner to move out and all have space and deal with you and your sons emotional trauma for the time being

Bobbybobbins · 13/04/2024 21:24

Too much going on for him OP - your DP's kids, conflict with them, conflict with your DP (taking his skateboard off him and grabbing him are not the way to go), grieving his brother (which he's probably not had the space to do) hormones.

12gum · 13/04/2024 21:24

I think he needs to move out

lazarusb · 13/04/2024 21:26

It may also be worth seeking some more counselling for your ds as he seems to be struggling emotionally. Definitely prioritise him over your DP and get yourselves the space you need to work through this. I'm not condoning your ds' behaviour but physically hurting a child and making him cry (humiliating him) is not ever justifiable.

rwalker · 13/04/2024 21:28

You need to take the reins and get your DP to take a back seat hopefully this will take the heat out of the situation
it does sound like his behaviour is deliberately focused at getting a reaction out of your DP

your DS knows exactly what he’s doing and this is deliberate

hurting his daughter then smirking at him is more or less say come on then

wether it’s a cry for help or attention it must be very complex doesn’t sound as though he’s a bad kid just one that’s struggling to cope and this is how he’s expressing it
is there any professional support you can access

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 13/04/2024 21:32

Soonenough · 13/04/2024 21:07

Sorry I think your son sounds like an obnoxious brat. He is physically hurting a smaller child.
His own personal grief does not give him the right to treat others like this especially after quite a long time. I agree with your partner , you are parenting him out of guilt . Ultimately he needs to find his way in the world that won't cut him so much slack.

Yes but getting angry and physically man handling him are not going to help him learn anything apart from to be more angry. Sounds like the op’s partner cannot handle this situation and is making it worse.

Awaydays · 13/04/2024 21:34

I think that there is a balance to be had here.

I think it does seem like you are parenting out of grief and so maybe letting behaviours slide due to what your son has been through, and possibly out of fear having lost your older son (which I am really sorry for such a loss). However you can deal with the behaviour, implement consequences whilst still speaking to your son to get to the root of his feelings that are causing the behaviour. You can listen to your son whilst still maintaining firm boundaries and expectations around behaviour. Even if it's a case of telling him to go to his room to get some time out to cool down if he has attitude or is being cheeky and he can come to talk it through with you once he feels he has calmed down enough to do.

Your partner, however, is dealing with his behaviour really badly. He should not be grabbing your child and taking his skateboard is a childish response. He should be following your lead on any behaviour management and if he is not prepared or able to then I agree with other posters that maybe he needs to go back to living in his own home in order to ensure that your son feels safe and respected in yours/his.

StormingNorman · 13/04/2024 21:35

Soonenough · 13/04/2024 21:07

Sorry I think your son sounds like an obnoxious brat. He is physically hurting a smaller child.
His own personal grief does not give him the right to treat others like this especially after quite a long time. I agree with your partner , you are parenting him out of guilt . Ultimately he needs to find his way in the world that won't cut him so much slack.

Your sympathy for this poor child is overwhelming. I expect you also wish mum and son healing but forgot to mention it.

PrattleTime · 13/04/2024 21:38

I agree with @Sweetheart7. Your boyfriend needs to move out, the dynamic is not working.

RoastLambs · 13/04/2024 21:40

Soonenough · 13/04/2024 21:07

Sorry I think your son sounds like an obnoxious brat. He is physically hurting a smaller child.
His own personal grief does not give him the right to treat others like this especially after quite a long time. I agree with your partner , you are parenting him out of guilt . Ultimately he needs to find his way in the world that won't cut him so much slack.

Gosh.

And this is how you would parent your own children is it? Poor bastards.