Partner made DS cry

[MatildaInThePark]

I've been with my partner for 5 years and he moved in with us almost 4 years ago (which was unplanned) after my teen DS passed away from suicide.

I've got 3 DC’s but only DS(15 this week) is living with me, my elder 2 are fine with partner and get on well with him.

DS however doesn't, they got on when partner first moved in and would go on walks, play video games, talk about films etc. Partner really got DS to come out of his shell again as he wasn't really speaking when DS passed away as they were close. He had a lot of anger and he had counselling via zoom which he started refusing to engage with.

He seems to be coping fine generally but Thursday was the anniversary of my sons death so I told partner to cut him a little slack if he gives us attitude and with chores etc. Yesterday partner had his children over and they were playing football in the garden, DS gets involved and purposely kicks the ball over the back fence which results them not being able to get my back (it's unaccessible due to it being unsafe). The children are upset as its a special limited edition ball and DS laughs. Partner was furious and took DS’ skateboard as punishment and locked it in his car. DS comes to me to complain and to try to persuade me to let him have it back, I refused but he then told me he wants to die. Partner thinks this is a way to manipulate me as he only says it when he's in trouble

Other times when we speak to him he says he doesn't but it does make me worry.

Today, DS grabbed partners 12yo child's wrist during an argument about a video game, DS says partners child hit him but we aren't 100% on that but DS left a red mark on the child. Partner was furious. DS was smirking the whole time of myself and partner telling him off. Partner then started shouting at him that he's spoilt and needs to stop acting so childish. Partner grabbed DS by the wrist and told him he won't be getting his birthday presents and his friends won't be coming over next weekend. DS was crying and I'm thinking he may have went to far.

AIBU? I do admit I am a little soft on him especially after losing my elder son. I need some opinions and advice from another point of view.

On my son's anniversary we give each other time. We have no expectations of each other. We light a candle, we are kind to each other. We think about the person we love that we have lost. It doesn't sound as if the anniversary of his brother's death was a particularly easy day for this boy who has just turned 15.
My heart is broken since losing my son, but my other children have always been my priority in spite of my own grief.
OP, the loss of a child is overwhelming. I know that, I still cry every single day and I am aware of how fragile my children are and they are adults. I am so, so sorry for your loss and I understand that your partner must have been a comfort. but I am really worried for your son.

You can’t do anything about it now OP but it was such a bad move for him to move in afte your DS died. Imagine being a little 11yo boy, your big brother dies suddenly and in horrific circumstances and rather than having a home comfortable to heal in you’re suddenly living with a practical stranger

My DH’s parents split up at tat age and his mum moved her new man in fairly quickly. DH said it was awful because it’s like when you have a guest you don’t quite know and you have to behave differently and you can never truly relax, walk around in boxers, ratch in the fridge for food etc. Horrible experience for an 11yo to feel so uncomfortable in his own home. I can’t imagine feeling this PLUS grieving deeply

I disagree that grabbing him by the wrist was too much, it was what he had done to DP's 12 yo

But where does that stop. Is it always an eye for a eye between and adult and child.

Surely a good role model shows a young person how it's better to react on stressful or angry situations - not a grown man doing exactly the same behaviour they want stopping???

Keep everyone safe OP and move out your partner, then his kids don't need to visit

Your son was 11 when his brother died? So young.

4 years ago.. 2020

So possibly this poor kid who was 11 at the time and probably just started secondary school lost his brother, had a new man move in to the house and then went through multiple lockdowns (with the new house"mate") in a short space of time.

And you think he should he over it all at 15?

Compassion clearly isn't your strong point

@AlwaysGinPlease

bullying?? Get a grip.

the OP's DS was being horrible to her DO's 12 yo son. Was he supposed to stand aside & allow that to carry on??

He only grabbed his wrist, the same as OP's DS had grabbed the 12 yo's.

Why are you assuming it’s a girl?

I have a feeling you’re one of those who has it out for all men including young boys

Yup.

No one is prioritising the 15yo. No one.

Zoom counselling? Big whoop. People need to stop thinking counselling is the solution. It’s so obvious this poor lad is crying out for attention. That’s what he needs.

Repercussions, yes, an adult physically grabbing him, absolutely not.

I could understand if it was to get him off his child, but it sounds like it was after that.

I know he did it to the dps child, but that isn't justification for an adult doing it to a child out of some type of revenge or punishment.

I never said he had the right to hurt the other child, or any of the other stuff, he doesn't at all, but he needs help, not to feel unsafe in his own home.

Also curious to know how someone moves in unplanned. Moving into an entire new home is not something that happens by accident

This is so insensitive.

She can but to move him in shortly after her son died, with a boy who barely knows him - that is selfish AF.

If the OP’s son was a daughter would you be hauling her over the coals like this? Answer truthfully

I have a problem comprehending you, and your lack of empathy (and it appears misandry)

An awful lot of excuses being made for this lad. Yes he deserves help and support. But his needs should not have a detrimental effect on everyone else in the household. And when his behaviour is challenged he seems very manipulative .

Don’t you think it’s hypocritical to deal with unwanted violence with, well, unwanted violence? Different is OPs OH is an adult who should have much better impulse control than a 15yo boy

@YeahComeOnThen is this a race to the bottom? I agree with whoever wrote "where does it end". OPs partner is a grown adult and he lost his rag! Siblings argue all the time it is not OK to solve things like this AND then he went on to punish the boy further by shouting in front of ALL the kids! Then the partner has decided to say no birthday presents and no friends over.

Adults need to lead by example.

The fundamental difference is OP’s OH IS AN ADULT

Its not a fair fight.

Even the most stupid of people know with children you don’t bring yourself down to their level.

Ahhh but that's where the majority of posters don't agree with you. OP has made a terrible mistake and I tried to point this out to you earlier but you continue to deliberately be obtuse. OP has a duty of care to her own Son and yes it is at the detriment to her partner and his kids. A man should of NEVER of been coming before her child in the first place!

Grabbing someone else's child is not the definition of challenging someone you keep running away with your own narrative...

Seems some very strong opinions . It is OK to disagree without being verbally hostile . Calling people stupid , misandry ? , harebrained and offensive rather loses any meaningful dialogue .

I don’t care how old they are, when you as an adult grab a child (and yes it may be inconvenient to many but he is a child) you have completely lost control.

This isn’t some flatmate this is the OP’s son, a boy who HAS to live there and has been through hell, hasn’t been prioritised and then is admonished for not behaving perfectly.

Im not sure if some people have watched too many movies where all grieving children are super grown up and mature and teach the adults a valuable lesson by the end of the movie, but in the real world, it’s a parent’s job to take care of them. And if you fuck them up (by say, I don’t know, moving New Man in after their big brother dies and making out you had no part in him moving in) expect them to BEHAVE like someone who is fucked up.

What language was excessive? I am far from alone in my reading of the situation and in terms of calling for DP to leave the house, I have been less black and white than others.

I wouldn’t say anything to make OP’s life more difficult or emotionally charged. I cannot comprehend what she and her DSs have been through and wouldn’t add to that.

I’m going to stop engaging after this because your refusal to see the hypocrisy in supporting a grown man hurting a child while lambasting a grieving child for hurting another child is unreal to me. Not once have you expressed sympathy for this poor child whose family has been turned upside down and inside out. Yet you have empathy for the other child who got an ouchie…and may have been the instigator of this situation.

If a fight between siblings trumps the death of a brother by suicide for your empathy, you cannot be reached.

@Sweetheart7 Point it out to me ? You are not the authority on this . And I don't believe one child is more important than another. DP was defensive about HIS child .

Don’t display misandry stupidity or make offensive comments then.

I HATE it when people come into MN and post the biggest load of nasty unempathetic pish but think they have the moral high ground and act all offended because they haven’t sworn or called people names.

I just really hope people with such a distinct lack of empathy are not parents.

Anyway I’m not sure I can take this thread anymore it’s very upsetting

Hopefully the school will notice the mark the boy’s stepfather made and will make a safeguarding referral, then it will mean someone will finally centre HIS needs

Your lack of insight and empathy is actually pretty shocking.