Partner made DS cry

[MatildaInThePark]

I've been with my partner for 5 years and he moved in with us almost 4 years ago (which was unplanned) after my teen DS passed away from suicide.

I've got 3 DC’s but only DS(15 this week) is living with me, my elder 2 are fine with partner and get on well with him.

DS however doesn't, they got on when partner first moved in and would go on walks, play video games, talk about films etc. Partner really got DS to come out of his shell again as he wasn't really speaking when DS passed away as they were close. He had a lot of anger and he had counselling via zoom which he started refusing to engage with.

He seems to be coping fine generally but Thursday was the anniversary of my sons death so I told partner to cut him a little slack if he gives us attitude and with chores etc. Yesterday partner had his children over and they were playing football in the garden, DS gets involved and purposely kicks the ball over the back fence which results them not being able to get my back (it's unaccessible due to it being unsafe). The children are upset as its a special limited edition ball and DS laughs. Partner was furious and took DS’ skateboard as punishment and locked it in his car. DS comes to me to complain and to try to persuade me to let him have it back, I refused but he then told me he wants to die. Partner thinks this is a way to manipulate me as he only says it when he's in trouble

Other times when we speak to him he says he doesn't but it does make me worry.

Today, DS grabbed partners 12yo child's wrist during an argument about a video game, DS says partners child hit him but we aren't 100% on that but DS left a red mark on the child. Partner was furious. DS was smirking the whole time of myself and partner telling him off. Partner then started shouting at him that he's spoilt and needs to stop acting so childish. Partner grabbed DS by the wrist and told him he won't be getting his birthday presents and his friends won't be coming over next weekend. DS was crying and I'm thinking he may have went to far.

AIBU? I do admit I am a little soft on him especially after losing my elder son. I need some opinions and advice from another point of view.

@Sweetheart7 The DP has been there for 4 years now . @Dontbeme Hardly been swiftly replaced . As above it is 4 years now . Personally I don't feel it fair that the OP , who remember has lost a son that she also grieves , should have to lose the love and support of her DP . I don't think he acted too harshly at all. This is a young man on the cusp of adulthood that needs firm boundaries . Not acceptable to allow him get away with hurting people. That child's mother could possibly accuse him of assault. Seems like he cried to you for sympathy .

I know my words will be controversial but too many young men resort to physical violence . His previous trauma will not be much consolation if he seriously hurts someone.

Speaking as a mum who lost a child in horrific circumstances, I think moving your partner in so soon after your son lost his brother was very unwise. It has been almost 8 years since my children lost their brother and it has been a long, hard road. I cannot imagine even thinking about moving a new partner, especially someone I had only known for a year, into our home.
Both my children have had complete breakdowns, one 3 years and one 5 years after their brother's death. they have needed a huge amount of support from me and DH. I am so, so sorry for your loss, but I think you need to think hard about how you handle things from here.
You prioritised yourself by moving your partner in. I can understand that you needed support and comfort, but where did that leave your son? Your partner hasn't lost a brother or a child. He has no idea.

The DP has been there for 4 years now

We all know that, we can read. He moved in straight away, that's what posters are referring to.

I think you are in danger of derailing this sensitive thread with your harebrained remarks.

The partner needs to move out. You need to focus on getting your son help. He has not moved passed his brothers death.

This makes perfect sense to me.

No one puts their hands on my DS. No-one ! He would be out, but I doubt that's on the cards from you so.....

Your partner needs to be aware of the boundaries, he does not parent your child. He is your boyfriend, not your child's parent, that is your job.

He never lays his hands on a child in your house, ever, Full stop, no qualms. He does not intimidate him or shout at him.

You dish out punishment not him.

I think you and your son need some time.

As your DS matures emotionally, he’ll feel the circumstances leading up to his brother’s death differently. He may be going through the anger stage again, particularly as he has disengaged from therapy.

You need a calm environment where your son can continue healing (which will involve lashing out) and you can do the hard job of parenting a grieving child (which I imagine is a hundred times more difficult in terms of setting boundaries and behavioural expectations).

Losing a brother, then ‘replacing’ him with new (step) siblings and your DP will have been so confusing. Could DP move out and visit at weekends? Would DS want that even? Does he generally get on with DP’s kids?

Your DS has effectively lost his older siblings too. They have moved out, got their own relationships. He must feel adrift.

@PrattleTime Harebrained ? Hardly . Four years are a significant amount of time after DP moved in . In those 4 years he has received counselling, etc .and matured into a teenager. Not harebrained remarks just relevant . You are entitled to your opinion. As am I .

'Partner grabbed ds by the wrist' at this point partner lost all moral high ground- partner is the adult here and wasn't acting like it.

I think this is a time for family therapy - could you ask your local authorities early help service if they can help refer you?

I'm so sorry about your other son who died op xxx

Ps don't fixate on the smirking - it might seem like your son doesn't take things seriously but it probably reflects him feeling awkward and scared

Counselling isn't by any means a quick fix.

@Thinkbiglittleone Does that not apply to the DP's child ? Is it OK for her son to leave marks on her.

Your son sounds quite ill behaved if I’m being honest.
Deliberately kicking the ball away, and then physically hurting the younger child.

Sounds like your partner should move out to protect his own children from your son.

12 months is too soon to move a man in. If it is t working now he needs to leave. Sorry @MatildaInThePark, sounds a very difficult situation.

@MatildaInThePark

I think 🤔 yourself and your family have been through a extremely shitty 💩 time a lot of trauma to contend with,
No wonder your son acts out like that,
especially being a teenager going through the often confusing and turbulent transistional stage of life,

I can understand that after the passing of your son,
It must have felt like a god sent having a male figure to help you, support you through obviously extremely difficult time,

However you son still needs quite robust boundaries in a loving nuturing protective environment,
Having your partners family to take on board so soon after,
he has a lot of changes, like a whirlwind of them in relativity space of time,

it's a real head spinner,

As the real issue is your son could go seriously off the rails otherwise,

Obviously having sons it's beneficial for them to have good male role models in their life,
extended family grandparents uncles and auntie's etc,

I think due to the circumstances you rushed into a relationship bit too soon,

I wonder is your new man emotionally mature enough to cope with demands of a teenager who has gone through so much shit in life?

I wonder if your son could get out his frustrations and rage in a constructive manner such as getting into martial arts displines and or boxing ?

Also find out about good youth clubs in your area,

Also encourage him to get involved in creative stuff such as woodwork and making things that he can be proud of that he has done for himself,
in a environment that is nuturing supportive creative environment,
not a negative competitive creative environment..

Eventbrite. com is a real good website in the UK that you can find good events going on creative wise and all kinds of eclectic good things going on Internet and events you can come along and participate in..
Youtube website is also good too,

Life has been very cruel to your family

"Life has been a real Bastard" in regards of what you have all been through

Hope i haven't offended 🙏 you by saying that...

I think you need to also explore other types of therapies out there too that address,
traumas effectively ways,
not just counselling therapy,

Look up mumsnet therapies section on here
and on the Internet in general too..

Wish you and your family a lot better in life

You deserve it xx

OTT. Siblings fight all the time and kids are not perfect.

Of course the OPs child is in the wrong for putting his hands on the other children visiting his home.
That does not make it acceptable for the OP boyfriend to put his hands on the OPs child in his own home, ever. He is a grown man, that's not ok.

It's clear the OP and her son has been through a lot. As a child he needs security and love, his sibling has died and the others out of home.

Your own words: Not acceptable to allow him get away with hurting people

Yes, it is not acceptable for DS to hurt a smaller child, and it is not acceptable for adult DP to hurt teenage DS

Your own words: That child's mother could possibly accuse him of assault

Yes, OP could accuse DP of assault for manhandling her child.

Your own words: too many young men resort to physical violence

Yes, they do. And DP is teaching him that violence is how you resolve conflict by resorting to physical violence.

You are a hypocrite for excusing DP’s behaviour when he did exactly the same thing as DS. The difference is that as an adult he should have better emotional regulation and a gut instinct not to be violent towards a child.

You and son experienced a horrible trauma. Moving a man in a year later is not healthy. It sounds like you just started dating him when your Ds passed away?

In that one year your ds lost his brother and role model, and suddenly.got.to know a new man who was living in his space.

I think partner needs to leave. He touched your ds and isn't safe to be around him.

You ds needs therapy and time with you to recover.

I'm so sorry for your loss. 💝

Can I ask if their Dad is involved?

Especially in the week of the anniversary of your siblings death and other siblings come around and have a blast playing footy

Please seek (more) professional help family therapy you and ds
Maybe dp moves out for a while

So what's your point? Why are you just glossing over the fact that is crucial? A man doesn't come before your child this has been going on for 5 years! He isn't the father so I suspect this has caused friction too. OP should not EVER of been moving men into her children's home after 12 months do you understand that concept? Not only that put the man has brought his kids along too. She hardly knew the man at the time for a start!

You obviously have some very low standards...

he moved in with us almost 4 years ago (which was unplanned) so he moved in after your son died? (For which I'm truly sorry). But perhaps that was unwise. I genuinely thing you and your children need time as a family unit united in your grief. I don't get how it can be unplanned you must have spoken about it before he moved in?

You aren't even making sense. Your posts are unhelpful.