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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner made DS cry

201 replies

MatildaInThePark · 13/04/2024 20:51

I've been with my partner for 5 years and he moved in with us almost 4 years ago (which was unplanned) after my teen DS passed away from suicide.

I've got 3 DC’s but only DS(15 this week) is living with me, my elder 2 are fine with partner and get on well with him.

DS however doesn't, they got on when partner first moved in and would go on walks, play video games, talk about films etc. Partner really got DS to come out of his shell again as he wasn't really speaking when DS passed away as they were close. He had a lot of anger and he had counselling via zoom which he started refusing to engage with.

He seems to be coping fine generally but Thursday was the anniversary of my sons death so I told partner to cut him a little slack if he gives us attitude and with chores etc. Yesterday partner had his children over and they were playing football in the garden, DS gets involved and purposely kicks the ball over the back fence which results them not being able to get my back (it's unaccessible due to it being unsafe). The children are upset as its a special limited edition ball and DS laughs. Partner was furious and took DS’ skateboard as punishment and locked it in his car. DS comes to me to complain and to try to persuade me to let him have it back, I refused but he then told me he wants to die. Partner thinks this is a way to manipulate me as he only says it when he's in trouble

Other times when we speak to him he says he doesn't but it does make me worry.

Today, DS grabbed partners 12yo child's wrist during an argument about a video game, DS says partners child hit him but we aren't 100% on that but DS left a red mark on the child. Partner was furious. DS was smirking the whole time of myself and partner telling him off. Partner then started shouting at him that he's spoilt and needs to stop acting so childish. Partner grabbed DS by the wrist and told him he won't be getting his birthday presents and his friends won't be coming over next weekend. DS was crying and I'm thinking he may have went to far.

AIBU? I do admit I am a little soft on him especially after losing my elder son. I need some opinions and advice from another point of view.

OP posts:
Sweetheart7 · 13/04/2024 23:50

caringcarer · 13/04/2024 23:40

Maybe her partner moved in to support OP. She said it wasn't planned before her elder DS suicide.

Show quote history

I'm not having a dig. I just don't think its an appropriate thing to do. OP is not a single person. She is a mother so even if that was the case how do you think that impacted her own Son? It's unclear if her partners kids were just visiting or they actually live together also.

Her Son would of been 11. The facts is it isn't working and its high time OP priorititised her own Son. This becomes before other people's kids.

OP has not stated if she has other family members to lean on so you can't assume. Who is there to support her Son who was an 11 year old boy at the time?

StormingNorman · 13/04/2024 23:55

caringcarer · 13/04/2024 23:37

Would your ds prefer to move in with his Dad for a while? It's been 4 years and although he is still affected by the loss of his brother it doesn't give him the right to bully your partners DC. Kicking their limited edition football away on purpose and laughing about it and grabbing a much younger DC's wrist leaving a red mark is bullying. If your ds is not disciplined he'll continue with his bullying behaviour. He needs counselling. It sounds like he is really hurting still so he wants everyone around him to suffer too. I would tell him you think of your elder son everyday and it still hurts you he is gone but being nasty to younger children won't bring his brother back. Maybe if he went to his Dad's house to live with his siblings his behaviour would improve.

I don’t think being asked to leave the house to make way for the new family will help him.

YaMuvva · 13/04/2024 23:57

caringcarer · 13/04/2024 23:49

Unless you've lost a DC to suicide I don't suppose any of us would know how OP felt or what support she might need. She did say for many years her new partner got on well with her son.

Show quote history

I’m sorry that doesn’t wash with me - all parents know who should, and deserves, to come first on their lives. Most parents have an overwhelming urge to prioritise their children and whatever way you look at it the OP made a selfish choice.

Again I find that parents look for the parts where they get on - and a lot of SC mask their feelings for the sake of their parent. OP’s DS and OH didn’t suddenly one day despise each other, this has been coming for a long time

tiggergoesbounce · 14/04/2024 00:03

Maybe her partner moved in to support OP. She said it wasn't planned before her elder DS suicide

Yes, so it wasn't planned until the OP may have been a bit vulnerable and grieving.
But as PP have said, the OP can nor only decide what's best for her and make choices that affect her DS, especially if it invades his safe space of a home.

StormingNorman · 14/04/2024 00:07

On the point of DP moving in so quickly after the OP lost her son…

OP would have been at her lowest ebb trying to cope with her own grief and take care of three grieving sons.

An emotionally mature man - a father himself - would have recognised that it was not the right time to bring two families together. I feel like DP was a little opportunistic amidst all this vulnerability.

A good man would have been the voice of reason.

DNLove · 14/04/2024 00:12

Someone else mentioned a possibility of abuse by your partner to your son. I would dig into this to make sure there is no risk of that.

Concannon88 · 14/04/2024 00:16

Partner sounds like a prick. Whats the best way to teach a child not to get physical, oh yeah by getting physical!

Find it odd that your aibu is about your sons behaviour and not your prick of a partners.

caringcarer · 14/04/2024 00:26

tiggergoesbounce · 14/04/2024 00:03

Maybe her partner moved in to support OP. She said it wasn't planned before her elder DS suicide

Yes, so it wasn't planned until the OP may have been a bit vulnerable and grieving.
But as PP have said, the OP can nor only decide what's best for her and make choices that affect her DS, especially if it invades his safe space of a home.

If one of my DC had committed suicide I don't think I could function to cope with dealing with other DC. I think I'd need support to help me just get through every day and practical stuff like feeding kids even. I know it's not the same as suicide but my sister lost a child in an accident and she couldn't function at all. She was alone with 2 other DC to care for because her DH had died so much Mum moved in with her to look after the dc. My sister was like a zombie and couldn't do a thing for any of them for months. Maybe OP felt like this and if her partner saw she wasn't coping maybe he moved in to help her cope. Unless you've lost a DC you won't know how it will affect you. My sister lost almost 4 stone in 3 months. She couldn't eat because she was sick and had diarrhea constantly. Her FP said her body was in shock. She just wanted to stay in bed on her own every day and sleep.

HoppingPavlova · 14/04/2024 00:33

Honestly OP I'm going to be blunt. You should of never of moved this man in your home. It is not working DS needs your attention and your partner needs to move out! He isn't even his father, he also has kids of his own it's all TOO much

Exactly this. I think you and your son needed to work through the tragic loss you both experienced, and that can take years (and recognising the hurt will never fully leave, I’m talking more about how to navigate forward in life). This needed to be done as a pair, not with some guy plonking himself in the house and bringing his own kids over here and there. So the boy is now dealing with trying to navigate such a loss, moving forward, and this man trying to play families with him, and another set of kids. Too much. And he’s reacting to that.

Soonenough · 14/04/2024 00:35

Three individuals think they have the monopoly on the facts and solutions here . Whilst twenty others see differently .
Will reiterate that this DC grief over a tragic event five years ago does not , in MY opinion, give him a life long pass to treat the other people in the home with disrespect. Nor to physically abuse a younger child . His behaviour needs to be addressed. It is not the OP nor her DP fault. Removing items from him , restraining him from further harm to another child or not allowing him to be destructive is not , in MY opinion, abuse nor mentally damaging . DC needs more counselling but he should not be allowed to destroy the family unit which has been in place for five years .

bloodyeffinnora · 14/04/2024 00:41

Soonenough · 13/04/2024 21:07

Sorry I think your son sounds like an obnoxious brat. He is physically hurting a smaller child.
His own personal grief does not give him the right to treat others like this especially after quite a long time. I agree with your partner , you are parenting him out of guilt . Ultimately he needs to find his way in the world that won't cut him so much slack.

but the adult partner grabbing the son's wrist is ok? you've got your priorities all wrong.
her son comes first he's going through a lot,
there's no way I'd have any adult man grabbing my son and making him cry

Secondguess · 14/04/2024 00:43

AlwaysGinPlease · 13/04/2024 21:03

You need to get rid of the bullying bloke and look after your boy. I'm so sorry about your loss. Don't let this awful man ruin your lives.

This

YaMuvva · 14/04/2024 00:43

If one of my DC had committed suicide I don't think I could function to cope with dealing with other DC

Wow.

But you’d be fine to move a BF in?

You can struggle to cope and also do what’s best for your kids.

Soonenough · 14/04/2024 00:45

@bloodyeffinnora That's not why he cried . And he was hurting a child . Wrist restraint is not exactly brutal.

YaMuvva · 14/04/2024 00:46

Soonenough · 14/04/2024 00:35

Three individuals think they have the monopoly on the facts and solutions here . Whilst twenty others see differently .
Will reiterate that this DC grief over a tragic event five years ago does not , in MY opinion, give him a life long pass to treat the other people in the home with disrespect. Nor to physically abuse a younger child . His behaviour needs to be addressed. It is not the OP nor her DP fault. Removing items from him , restraining him from further harm to another child or not allowing him to be destructive is not , in MY opinion, abuse nor mentally damaging . DC needs more counselling but he should not be allowed to destroy the family unit which has been in place for five years .

It is not the OP nor her DP fault

It literally is. Who’s else’s fault is it?

Having an opinion doesn’t make it valid. Especially when that opinion flies in the face of the swathes of research on how to deal with a grieving and traumatised child.

And honestly why do people think counselling is a perfect solution? He tried it. it didn’t work.

YaMuvva · 14/04/2024 00:50

Soonenough · 14/04/2024 00:45

@bloodyeffinnora That's not why he cried . And he was hurting a child . Wrist restraint is not exactly brutal.

Hang on…
An adult ‘restraining’ the wrist of the child “isn’t exactly brutal”

But a child doing the exact same to another child is <checks notes> physical abuse?

Which is it @Soonenough - because you realise they’re literally the same thing?

You seem to be REALLY angry at the child but not the adult for the same actions. Is it because you (perhaps wrongly) assumed he’s hurt a girl at first?
Theres definitely a contingent of posters on MN who seem to hate teenage boys and think girls can do no wrong. It’s growing and it’s worrying

Doratheexplorer1 · 14/04/2024 00:51

MatildaInThePark · 13/04/2024 20:51

I've been with my partner for 5 years and he moved in with us almost 4 years ago (which was unplanned) after my teen DS passed away from suicide.

I've got 3 DC’s but only DS(15 this week) is living with me, my elder 2 are fine with partner and get on well with him.

DS however doesn't, they got on when partner first moved in and would go on walks, play video games, talk about films etc. Partner really got DS to come out of his shell again as he wasn't really speaking when DS passed away as they were close. He had a lot of anger and he had counselling via zoom which he started refusing to engage with.

He seems to be coping fine generally but Thursday was the anniversary of my sons death so I told partner to cut him a little slack if he gives us attitude and with chores etc. Yesterday partner had his children over and they were playing football in the garden, DS gets involved and purposely kicks the ball over the back fence which results them not being able to get my back (it's unaccessible due to it being unsafe). The children are upset as its a special limited edition ball and DS laughs. Partner was furious and took DS’ skateboard as punishment and locked it in his car. DS comes to me to complain and to try to persuade me to let him have it back, I refused but he then told me he wants to die. Partner thinks this is a way to manipulate me as he only says it when he's in trouble

Other times when we speak to him he says he doesn't but it does make me worry.

Today, DS grabbed partners 12yo child's wrist during an argument about a video game, DS says partners child hit him but we aren't 100% on that but DS left a red mark on the child. Partner was furious. DS was smirking the whole time of myself and partner telling him off. Partner then started shouting at him that he's spoilt and needs to stop acting so childish. Partner grabbed DS by the wrist and told him he won't be getting his birthday presents and his friends won't be coming over next weekend. DS was crying and I'm thinking he may have went to far.

AIBU? I do admit I am a little soft on him especially after losing my elder son. I need some opinions and advice from another point of view.

it sounds like a case of too many cooks. He should leave the discipline to you. He’s your son and you know him best. Grief is a terrible thing for a child to go through and he must have been 11 I think when your elder child passed away. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s unimaginable.

It maybe is a lot for him having to deal with your partners kids as well - them being younger also.

I think the less reactive your partner can be the better.

Your son is still a long way off being able to do long term reasoning. So you will have wtf moments with him for a long time. I’m sure you know this from your older ones so apologies if I sound patronising.

I think kids often speak in metaphor. I don’t think he wants to die. But perhaps death is more at the forefront of his mind because of his brother.

I also want to say you’re amazing for getting through what must have been a terrible time.

Look after yourself and your lovely boy.

StormingNorman · 14/04/2024 00:52

Soonenough · 14/04/2024 00:35

Three individuals think they have the monopoly on the facts and solutions here . Whilst twenty others see differently .
Will reiterate that this DC grief over a tragic event five years ago does not , in MY opinion, give him a life long pass to treat the other people in the home with disrespect. Nor to physically abuse a younger child . His behaviour needs to be addressed. It is not the OP nor her DP fault. Removing items from him , restraining him from further harm to another child or not allowing him to be destructive is not , in MY opinion, abuse nor mentally damaging . DC needs more counselling but he should not be allowed to destroy the family unit which has been in place for five years .

You do realise you’re one of the three? Literally everybody bar three or maybe four individuals support putting the son’s needs first.

I don’t know how you think you are in the majority.

DS is not destroying a family unit. Fuck sake, how much more blame can you heap onto a grieving child.

bloodyeffinnora · 14/04/2024 00:55

Soonenough · 14/04/2024 00:45

@bloodyeffinnora That's not why he cried . And he was hurting a child . Wrist restraint is not exactly brutal.

it doesn't matter what made him cry the fact is i wouldn't have an adult making my son cry or grabbing him, especially with what he is going through. my son would be my priority

PassingStranger · 14/04/2024 00:56

Shouldn't have kicked the ball away and laughed.
No wonder the others were upset?

Soonenough · 14/04/2024 00:57

Nope . You , @Sweetheart7 , @YaMuvva are the 3. I did say MY opinion . Check out how many posters have given thanks to my posts.

You are boring me now . Pity .

bloodyeffinnora · 14/04/2024 00:57

Soonenough · 14/04/2024 00:35

Three individuals think they have the monopoly on the facts and solutions here . Whilst twenty others see differently .
Will reiterate that this DC grief over a tragic event five years ago does not , in MY opinion, give him a life long pass to treat the other people in the home with disrespect. Nor to physically abuse a younger child . His behaviour needs to be addressed. It is not the OP nor her DP fault. Removing items from him , restraining him from further harm to another child or not allowing him to be destructive is not , in MY opinion, abuse nor mentally damaging . DC needs more counselling but he should not be allowed to destroy the family unit which has been in place for five years .

you're the one in the minority, most people disagree with you

Soonenough · 14/04/2024 00:58

@bloodyeffinnora He is not going through it. The event was 5 years ago. Just having a bratty day causing havoc in the family.

Soonenough · 14/04/2024 01:00

@bloodyeffinnora No I am not in the minority. Have a look

bloodyeffinnora · 14/04/2024 01:00

honestly, 5years is nothing when you've lost someone so close and the anniversaries are so hard....I know

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