Partner made DS cry

[MatildaInThePark]

I've been with my partner for 5 years and he moved in with us almost 4 years ago (which was unplanned) after my teen DS passed away from suicide.

I've got 3 DC’s but only DS(15 this week) is living with me, my elder 2 are fine with partner and get on well with him.

DS however doesn't, they got on when partner first moved in and would go on walks, play video games, talk about films etc. Partner really got DS to come out of his shell again as he wasn't really speaking when DS passed away as they were close. He had a lot of anger and he had counselling via zoom which he started refusing to engage with.

He seems to be coping fine generally but Thursday was the anniversary of my sons death so I told partner to cut him a little slack if he gives us attitude and with chores etc. Yesterday partner had his children over and they were playing football in the garden, DS gets involved and purposely kicks the ball over the back fence which results them not being able to get my back (it's unaccessible due to it being unsafe). The children are upset as its a special limited edition ball and DS laughs. Partner was furious and took DS’ skateboard as punishment and locked it in his car. DS comes to me to complain and to try to persuade me to let him have it back, I refused but he then told me he wants to die. Partner thinks this is a way to manipulate me as he only says it when he's in trouble

Other times when we speak to him he says he doesn't but it does make me worry.

Today, DS grabbed partners 12yo child's wrist during an argument about a video game, DS says partners child hit him but we aren't 100% on that but DS left a red mark on the child. Partner was furious. DS was smirking the whole time of myself and partner telling him off. Partner then started shouting at him that he's spoilt and needs to stop acting so childish. Partner grabbed DS by the wrist and told him he won't be getting his birthday presents and his friends won't be coming over next weekend. DS was crying and I'm thinking he may have went to far.

AIBU? I do admit I am a little soft on him especially after losing my elder son. I need some opinions and advice from another point of view.

Its very telling that you are ignoring the very fair question of why you’ve described an adult grabbing a child’s wrist as “not exactly brutal” but a child doing the same to another child as “physically abusive”. What’s the difference?

And unless you’re a 10 year old girl have a bit of a thicker skin about swearing. You may not be saying ‘nasty’ words but your sentiments are shrouded in nastiness and actually I’d go as far to say quite evil about a child. But hey you didn’t say ‘cunt’ so clearly you’re the bigger person 🙄

I haven't read any of the posts but your OP.

I think you need to prioritise your son before he copies his brother,

Just to be clear - OP had only known him a year when her son died. He lived in ‘shortly after’. She didn’t make him even wait a year

@YaMuvva Do you have to win an argument at all costs ? You can be an apologist for inappropriate behaviour by the DS all you want , have an issue with the timing of OP relationship but I DO NOT AGREE with you .
Please note : I have not indulged in any name calling . Unlike those against my posts . Unnecessary

I also didn’t call anyone a cunt. I referred to unnamed people who were callous about SC and saying SP have no responsibility to them as horrible cunts. Because they are.

She wasn’t talking about you.

Swearing like a sailor is one thing. Thinking a child he can be abused by a father-figure because he’s struggling with the death of his brother is a whole other level of classy.

Who’s called you names?

I’m not asking if you agree with me. That wasn’t my question. I was asking what the difference was with a man grabbing a child’s wrist vs a child grabbing a child’s wrist?

Your partner is exacerbating this situation with his impulsive and disproportionate discipline. He's overreacting and that is confusing and encouraging your ds to rebel. Hé needs to set more realistic punishments with a level head
You subconsciously know this so go softer on your son to make up for it. I've experienced this! The more you're soft, the more dp is mean and vice versa and none of it helps ds behaviour. I see your side most here. But you need to work together to find a more balanced approach

Edit to add DP grabbing Ds wrist was very wrong. He should know this. He knows your son is struggling. I think you were unwise yo have DP children round at this time and need to focus much more on your son

I’ve also asked this question.

My prediction: we won’t get an answer. Because there isn’t a reasonable answer she can give to that question. She’s never gonna say “fair enough I’m a hypocrite”. She’s already tried to answer by rewriting the OP’s story, and didn’t bargain for us actually noticing. We are just gonna get replies of “you’re soooooo mean such a meanie” and “I am allowed my opinion”.

It would be like me going “An adult can shit on the floor but a child can’t. Why, you ask? Er….er……um well uh iM EntITleD to My OpiNiOn”

That poster is pretending to think we are annoyed because she doesn’t agree with us.

No I think you are obsessed with winning a so called argument .So called as there is no solution. None of us were actually there and are interpretating it in different ways . Constantly calling people names is not a debating tactic . So far it has been stupid, hypocrite. And the last post seems to indicate that you are waaay at the bottom of the bottle.

My night shift is over .

And I think you two vipers are the ones rewriting the OP posts . Making out the OP to be a bad mother and her DP some kind of monster while they are both and with the other people in the household trying to manage the DS behaviour. Which is unacceptable and is in danger of escalating . I have worked with with too many women afraid of their adult sons .

I feel he should move out and all have space...

He grabbed your sons wrist..for grabbing his daughter. I understand the impulsive reaction, i do tend to lose my cool when it comes to my children being harmed..but punishing a reaction by reacting the same is wrong and this will all escalate no matter how you dress it up.

This is a hard situation all around and goodness knows how your son is feeling and what he is going through. I wouldn't even know how to start navigating this and the complexity..i think your partner is way out his depth here.

So space all around is needed. Your DS to get some therapy, start to heal where they have the peace too. Also his children will be negatively impacted. You could probably do with quality time to come together with your children and tend to your grief.

Its too much for all of you. I think you would find not having to focus on a relationship and other kids with all this to contend with a breather too.

Also, pain makes people act in strange ways. The same how good natured animals can bite when hurt, its the same for people. (Sorry for that analogy but i think everyone forgets how when you are hurting you don't act rationally, you lash out in strange ways that are not our usual personality, we have extreme expectations sometimes, and we are not suddenly above nature and can't pretend pain is not there or altering our behaviour when it is, as a teenager all these feelings are heightened and intense)

Your son needs proper face to face therapy and you and your partner need parenting support.

Firm boundaries but discipline not punishments.

Partner was furious and took DS’ skateboard as punishment and locked it in his car.

This and all the other horrible stuff your DP did is random punishment, not logical consequences. Punishments like that don’t work and only damage relationships and cause emotional distress.

4 years (you keep saying 5 but that's incorrect) is nothing when it comes to a major bereavement, especially at a young age. Even thinking of it as an event rather than something ongoing shows you don't understand.

This. Wild his quickly MN'ers excuse disgraceful behaviour from children. Makes me Q if solo mums are less capable of disciplining children v. dads??

He is intentionally hurting other kids and saying he wants to die only when in trouble; sounds highly manipulative and he needs help

But move DP out if this is possible as it isn't helping your son & it sounds like he needs extra help

Agreed

Sorry i think your son sounds like an obnoxious brat. He is physically hurting a smaller child

But yet you are defending the OPs adult partner for doing exactly the same thing.
What does that make him for doing it to a child.

His own personal grief does not give him the right to treat others like this especially after quite a long time

4 years is not a long time to grieve a loved one. You only have to look at the bereavement thread to educate yourself on that and everyone deals with grief differently. And in this instance the child was 11 years old so probably hit them very hard and then had a person of only 12 months thrust upon them.

I lost my DM nearly 7 years ago, I'm still angry about it, I'm still hurt and I still get upset, but luckily it happened to me as an adult so I know (mostly) how to channel that anger.

I agree with your partner , you are parenting him out of guilt
There may be exceptions being made for him on certain occasions. But the OP said she upheld the partners punishment of no skateboard (even though he shouldn't be dishing out punishment in his hime when partner is not a parent)

Ultimately he needs to find his way in the world that won't cut him so much slack

What does that even mean? Yes he needs to find his way in the world, a child full of testosterone and grief needs help processing a dealing with emotions. Not being grabbed at and physically hurt.

I assume you are not a single mother yourself from your sweeping generalised statement. How dare you cast judgement on someone based upon they are a single parent it's disgusting. Since you made the point I will elaborate where is the Sons father? Because if OP worked on this rather than moving a NEW man into her home who she hardly knows, nor did her OWN Son at the time..perhaps she would find it much easy to manage her own child. After all it's her responsibility she is the one who has a duty of care!

The Boy hardly is spoilt he got more than disaplined!! What do you mean? Leave the poor kid alone. Siblings fight it isn't a unquie occurrence.

OP isn't coming back. My heart hurts for this boy. We don't know if he has a dad, or if his older siblings offer him any support. What a mess.

Get rid of the P and his kids- they're totally irrelevant in this situation. Your son needs you.

Some of the posts on here are really sad

Blaming the kid and thinking the man child is right to dole out this form of discipline. The mum can and should deal with it, without throwing a tantrum and locking his skateboard away or grabbing his wrist.

I doubt any one of us thinks the young lad should just do what he wants, but the bigger picture here is the presence of this guy ( who is acting like a child in his approach to all this). And the kids if they are anything like him. It's too much.

If you can't or don't feel able to boot him out OP ( which of course most people understand, )then how about you tell him that you must be the one to deal with any problems . Because he is not handing it in the way you want it handled. He sounds like the sort who will embellish to you though if you aren't witness to it.

If you were ok with it all you wouldn't be here asking. You know he's not dealing with this well.

Get that man out.

I agree. It doesn't matter who was right and who was wrong. The fact is that your son has been through a lot and he needs you.

Your attention and priorities cannot be shared with another man at the moment. It's just for a few years until you can support your DD to launch into adulthood.

I think you need to sacrifice your relationship for a few years. I can't imagine what you've been through, but I think you need to do everything you can to support your son.