Partner made DS cry

[MatildaInThePark]

I've been with my partner for 5 years and he moved in with us almost 4 years ago (which was unplanned) after my teen DS passed away from suicide.

I've got 3 DC’s but only DS(15 this week) is living with me, my elder 2 are fine with partner and get on well with him.

DS however doesn't, they got on when partner first moved in and would go on walks, play video games, talk about films etc. Partner really got DS to come out of his shell again as he wasn't really speaking when DS passed away as they were close. He had a lot of anger and he had counselling via zoom which he started refusing to engage with.

He seems to be coping fine generally but Thursday was the anniversary of my sons death so I told partner to cut him a little slack if he gives us attitude and with chores etc. Yesterday partner had his children over and they were playing football in the garden, DS gets involved and purposely kicks the ball over the back fence which results them not being able to get my back (it's unaccessible due to it being unsafe). The children are upset as its a special limited edition ball and DS laughs. Partner was furious and took DS’ skateboard as punishment and locked it in his car. DS comes to me to complain and to try to persuade me to let him have it back, I refused but he then told me he wants to die. Partner thinks this is a way to manipulate me as he only says it when he's in trouble

Other times when we speak to him he says he doesn't but it does make me worry.

Today, DS grabbed partners 12yo child's wrist during an argument about a video game, DS says partners child hit him but we aren't 100% on that but DS left a red mark on the child. Partner was furious. DS was smirking the whole time of myself and partner telling him off. Partner then started shouting at him that he's spoilt and needs to stop acting so childish. Partner grabbed DS by the wrist and told him he won't be getting his birthday presents and his friends won't be coming over next weekend. DS was crying and I'm thinking he may have went to far.

AIBU? I do admit I am a little soft on him especially after losing my elder son. I need some opinions and advice from another point of view.

Hi OP I agree with the points most people have made above, but I particularly wanted to say something about your partner describing the threats of suicide as "manipulative".

Threats of suicide is a way of communicating distress, and I definitely wouldn't dismiss it. Calling it "manipulative" is simplistic. There is nothing wrong with a child trying to get attention from a parent when they are distressed, though obviously it must be very upsetting for you to hear it. I think your DP is reacting in an angry and simplistic way and he needs to do a lot more thinking about DS behaviour rather than reacting in the moment.

Young Minds is a good charity to look at for advice on dealing with threats of suicide.

@Sweetheart7 Is the OP not allowed to have a DP after a year ? Seems OK to me and to the others that have liked my posts . And the OP has not been having problems for 5 years nor have his kids moved on FT with them .
The jibe about my standards is petty and unnecessary. Irrelevant too.

Your lack of reading skills are showing. Did anybody state OP isn't allowed a partner? Or have posters stated that the man moved himself in after 12 months? There's a difference.

@LittleBrenda Other posters don't seem to have a problem comprehending me as they have agreed with my remarks. Must be you then.

Exactly

Lack of empathy ✔️
Adultification of a child ✔️
Defending abusive step parenting✔️
Prioritising the adult relationship in the home ✔️
De-prioritising the child parent relationship ✔️
Lack of concern for the child’s welfare ✔️

Your posts aren’t a good look.

I agree with pp, your dp needs to move out. Him living there and his dc coming over is just too much for your son, I think you need to concentrate on him right now. You don't have to break up, just live separately.

I have a friend visiting me atm. He is 50. He lost his brother to suicide 30 years ago. We talked about our respective losses and he cried. He has NEVER got over losing his brother. This 15 year old needs space and time and probably, at this stage, professional support.

@Sweetheart7. The DP did not move himself in . The OP would have had to allow him to reside there. Again , a year does not seem unreasonable.

And the personal insults to me are unnecessary and now bordering on vicious. You can disagree with me without resorting to that.

DP grabbing my son and leaving a mark would be out the door.

Your son needs you, he needs help, he is struggling and DP isn’t helping. He seems to have very little empathy.

im sorry for your loss OP, it must be so hard for you all.

👏 👏 👏

You have completely missed the point and several posters have pointed this out to you. Yet you have continued to write things like "is OP not allowed a love life" who said that?? Nobody said anything of the sort. Tbh I actually find your posts highly offensive also!

Suicide of a family member is a risk factor for suicide. I think he needs to be taken seriously and for the house to be a calm space - no partners kids and no partner for a while. Sorry for all of it ,OP.

Your son needs protecting from your partner. But also the other kids need protecting from your son.
Whatever is behind his behaviour (and he's clearly troubled) the other children living in your home must be having a miserable time, and be pretty scared of your son.

There has to be a middle ground. You can't ignore your son's behaviour when it impacts other children in the house. Equally your partner should not be laying a hand on your son. You need to be much more effective and your partner needs to stand back and let you deal with it.

Counselling for your son and family counselling for you, your partner and your son seems to me to be the way to go.

@StormingNorman I disagree strongly with you. The language you use is excessive and in my opinion exaggerating the situation .

He is not a child but a young teenager. The twelve year that he hurt has my empathy .

@Pantaloons99

'this man' was dealing with it because the OP's 15 yo was being physical with his 12 yo. You expect him to allow that to continue??

I haven’t seen anything vicious…not from @Sweetheart7 anyway.

As most other posters have said, it's time your partner moves out. How did he move in unplanned, did you invite him to move in or did he "need" to move in.
Your DS is grieving his sibling, this must be horrendous for him, to then have a new man in the house must be so much to take in.

OP of course you are entitled to love and companionship but this shouldn't be forced on your child/ children. They should come first. Why do women do this, just date him !!! Especially not having siblings all visiting, when your own DS has lost his.

A year to move someone in when you have kids? Absolutely unreasonable. Way too fast under normal circumstances.

A year after a traumatic loss for you and your son??? That's a disaster waiting to happen. Not appropriate at all.

I can't imagine what op has gone through. It's horrific. But as a parent her responsibility is to her son. No one else.

@Sweetheart7 I never nor did anyone else use the phrase " love life " .

I never said anything about you personally. You finding my comments being offensive doesn't matter.
If you look , there are only a couple of you disagreeing whilst there are many " giving thanks "
Ironically the OP is not on the thread .

OP, your partner assaulted your son.

What part of this relationship actually makes it worth staying with a short tempered abuser and risk your relationship with your youngest child?

Im so sorry for the loss of your son, how horrific. Its absolutely unimaginable. Please please please please do not risk losing (wether it be his life or his trust) your other boy

Is the OP not allowed to have a DP after a year ? Seems OK to me and to the others that have liked my posts . And the OP has not been having problems for 5 years nor have his kids moved on FT with them .

@InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow

im sorry you're there too 🌹

I disagree that grabbing him by the wrist was too much, it was what he had done to DP's 12 yo.

plus other stuff (like deliberately put the kids special ball over the fence where it's too unsafe to retrieve it).

i understand that the poor kid is struggling, but it doesn't give him the right to deliberately upset and hurt a younger kid with no repercussion.

is the OP not allowed to have a DP after a year ?

Yes she is. But don't move him into the family home. Especially while your DS is struggling and grieving the loss of a sibling and probably needs his mum attention more than ever.

What after 4 years?
It's not a new relationship and it sounds like the partner offered a great deal of support following the loss of the OP's son.

This boy has suffered a tragedy and of course has been indulged for the past few years because of it by everyone. It doesn't give him a get out of jail free card for the rest of his life. He's being an obnoxious individual and I don't blame your partner one bit.