Partner made DS cry

[MatildaInThePark]

I've been with my partner for 5 years and he moved in with us almost 4 years ago (which was unplanned) after my teen DS passed away from suicide.

I've got 3 DC’s but only DS(15 this week) is living with me, my elder 2 are fine with partner and get on well with him.

DS however doesn't, they got on when partner first moved in and would go on walks, play video games, talk about films etc. Partner really got DS to come out of his shell again as he wasn't really speaking when DS passed away as they were close. He had a lot of anger and he had counselling via zoom which he started refusing to engage with.

He seems to be coping fine generally but Thursday was the anniversary of my sons death so I told partner to cut him a little slack if he gives us attitude and with chores etc. Yesterday partner had his children over and they were playing football in the garden, DS gets involved and purposely kicks the ball over the back fence which results them not being able to get my back (it's unaccessible due to it being unsafe). The children are upset as its a special limited edition ball and DS laughs. Partner was furious and took DS’ skateboard as punishment and locked it in his car. DS comes to me to complain and to try to persuade me to let him have it back, I refused but he then told me he wants to die. Partner thinks this is a way to manipulate me as he only says it when he's in trouble

Other times when we speak to him he says he doesn't but it does make me worry.

Today, DS grabbed partners 12yo child's wrist during an argument about a video game, DS says partners child hit him but we aren't 100% on that but DS left a red mark on the child. Partner was furious. DS was smirking the whole time of myself and partner telling him off. Partner then started shouting at him that he's spoilt and needs to stop acting so childish. Partner grabbed DS by the wrist and told him he won't be getting his birthday presents and his friends won't be coming over next weekend. DS was crying and I'm thinking he may have went to far.

AIBU? I do admit I am a little soft on him especially after losing my elder son. I need some opinions and advice from another point of view.

I think you are here to deliberately derail the thread. I genuinely mean this.... you seriously are lacking compensation skills and being deliberately obtuse. I've even quoted your own words. I can't be doing this with you. Lots of posters have told you, it isn't just me. I'm finding you quite exhausting it isn't even a complex story to understand. There's been a tragic incident and you have had the utter audacity to write insensitive things yourself.....

Well you do, you think the 12yo is more important, seemingly because you’ve assumed it’s a girl. You are happy to wax lyrical about how awful it is for a child to do that to another child but radio silence on the horrors of an adult doing it to a child? Hmmm

Comprehensive**

I'm guessing that COVID was the reason.

And I don't believe one child is more important than another
No they are not. You should safeguard every child. Not be one aggressive with either one of them.
2 children putting their hands on each-other is one thing, an adult doing it is not acceptable.

DP was defensive about HIS child

At the physical detriment of another child. Not acceptable and that's not keeping "every" child safe.
His child was in no danger at the point the adult placed his hands on him, it was after the fact.

An adult should know better and when people give permission for adults to put their hands on a child, as you are, it is a massive step back in safeguarding and keeping children safe.

I suspect your partner has some valid concerns about your ds manipulating you and the impact of your softness on his behaviour. That said, your partner crossed the line badly in his actions and it sounds like he’s being very reactive and behaving like he’s the same age as your ds. Perhaps you would all benefit from some family therapy?

So sorry for your loss, OP and it sounds as if both you and DS are struggling and have not had time to properly grieve on your own, what with DP moving in soon after.

Agree with others here. Your partner moved in unplanned at a very difficult time for your DS and you.
When you say it was unplanned, did he just move in uninvited or what?

Did you even ask DS how he felt about a strange man moving in ( and trying to parent him?) after the loss of his brother?

Your DP doesn’t sound as if he understands the struggle you and DS are enduring. He doesn’t act like an adult but more like a petty child.It’s too much for your DS to cope with.
Overwhelming with his DC’s on the scene as well.

On that basis I think you need to prioritise your DS and get DP to move out.Its not working.
Your child should ALWAYS come first.

I also wouldn’t underestimate his expressed feelings of wanting to die. That’s perhaps how he does feel in the moment. Do not ignore this and do not assume it’s manipulation.

If that is the case - and I know a lot of people did a knee jerk “we may not see each other for months so let’s shack up in lockdown” thing - if I was a grieving 11yo and my mum moved a man in for the same ‘can’t bear to be lonely’ reason, I’d be thinking “is MY company not enough for mum?”. Presumably the OH had a house!

This is all so very sad, and there’s no winners in it is there.

"I also wouldn’t underestimate his expressed feelings of wanting to die. That’s perhaps how he does feel in the moment. Do not ignore this and do not assume it’s manipulation".

This.

Agree

I agree.

And if the OP’s OH is right and he doesn’t mean it, it’s only for attention, then so what. I’d rather be wrong than lose another child.

As solitarily disgusting. He doesn't seem to treat him like a son. More like an enemy. Smirking doesn't mean guilt or arrogance. It's a coping mechanism. Show him more support and love. Partner or no partner u don't treat my kids like crap and make them cry.

How many of these issues would exist if your partner and his kids weren't there? That's not a horrible question, it's a real, genuine think on that.

He's been through a massive trauma, as have you. Your partner will put his kids and his interests first, as he should. Not your kids. They will always come second to him.

It might be manipulative, it might not. But either way, that's possibly the worst thing that your child will ever say to you. Only you know how genuine you think that statement was. But I couldn't be with someone who didn't care.

That’s so so sad.

It’s not nearly the same but I lost my dad suddenly fairly young and in very unpleasantness circumstances. You never quite get over it but the best way I can describe it is you reframe it in your mind so it’s easier to cope with.

I would indulge a child who lost a sibling in exceptionally difficult circumstance too. I would indulge them with understanding and whatever else it took to help them work through their emotions. I would indulge them with recognition that they have been through something life-changing. I would indulge them with a gentle approach to setting boundaries and behaviour expectations because I realise that a child is less capable of emotional regulation and has different ways of expressing themselves.

I would not indulge a grown man leaving marks on my child.

Being 4 years into an increasingly difficult family dynamic doesn’t mean OP has to forge ahead with it at the expense of her DS’s wellbeing. Nobody is talking about a get out of jail free card. The lad just needs to be able to feel at home in his home.

It never ceases to amaze me how SP get a free pass on abusive behaviours by some Mumsnetters. Honestly, this forum must be keeping more families together than Relate!

My issue here is that your partner is deciding punishment/consequences without consulting you first, and you are the parent. I understand it was his kids who were impacted by his actions which maybe makes it more of a gray area, but you should be deciding and communicating punishments.

@YeahComeOnThen

Are you so utterly obtuse that you need it to be explained to you? The partner is an ADULT. So yes, he's a bully. So you " get a grip" which is such a banal comment btw

Me neither.

I’ve known a lot of stepdads to have poor relationships with their step sons once they turn into teens. My theory is when you have a cite and lovely 11yo boy in front of you who probably shares your interests and doesn’t yet have raging hormones, it’s fairly easy. A few years later and that same boy has hormones, an attitude and is as tall as you and feels comfortable squaring up to you like you’re their equal.

The difference is only bullies feel comfortable pushing other men around, and sadly some bullies are stepdads of teenage boys who see them as ‘men’ when they stand nose to nose with them.

ok.
so ..you realise..sometimes DS says things...that are extreme(emotionally based\triggered? things)
ds needs to realise HE IS NOT ALONE. on navigating his emotions and...not translate them well.
No denyng ds been through dreadful time--HE has to realise that does not= gets take out on anyone else.
THATS the hard bit(as is not knowing how to change my writer back to other way)regardless....THERE is so much goin on there.He clearly still NEEDS an "outlet"..is the therapy---counselling-ie reveal all.or ACTUAL learn how to get your head into a space accepts facts ya dont want to be facts?

Would your ds prefer to move in with his Dad for a while? It's been 4 years and although he is still affected by the loss of his brother it doesn't give him the right to bully your partners DC. Kicking their limited edition football away on purpose and laughing about it and grabbing a much younger DC's wrist leaving a red mark is bullying. If your ds is not disciplined he'll continue with his bullying behaviour. He needs counselling. It sounds like he is really hurting still so he wants everyone around him to suffer too. I would tell him you think of your elder son everyday and it still hurts you he is gone but being nasty to younger children won't bring his brother back. Maybe if he went to his Dad's house to live with his siblings his behaviour would improve.

I agree with @Sweetheart7 and @PrattleTime your DP needs to move out. It’s all been far too much for your DS, losing his brother then having a new man move in with visits from his children. I am so sorry for your loss.

Maybe her partner moved in to support OP. She said it wasn't planned before her elder DS suicide.

would tell him you think of your elder son everyday and it still hurts you he is gone but being nasty to younger children won't bring his brother back

Please don’t do this OP. Aside from stating the bleeding obvious, its actually assuming why the boy is doing this when you should be ASKING.

And please don’t send him to his dad’s. What an obvious way to say “You’re the problem, problems are removed - go be someone else’s problem.”

Just listen to him. Listen. It’s fairly easy.

And maybe OP should have put her 11yo son before needing a man to actually live in her house with her instead of supporting her from afar.

Unless you've lost a DC to suicide I don't suppose any of us would know how OP felt or what support she might need. She did say for many years her new partner got on well with her son.