If I don't go on the hen do?

[windywillowss]

One of my close friends is getting married in the Summer, and I'm a bridesmaid.

It's been decided that her hen do will be a long weekend in Ibiza (Friday AM to Monday PM), at the beginning of June.

I'm a single parent to my DD16. She does see her Dad but it's not consistent (3 or 4 days a month) and he rarely has her extra if I ask. My Mum and Dad help out if need be, but they're not in the best health so I try not to.

DD is starting her GCSE exams next month, and along with my help she's been great at sticking to her revision timetable.

The issue is that the weekend of the hen do, DD has an exam on both the Friday and the Monday. I've explained this to the bride and the expectation is that I still go on the hen do. I'm not happy leaving my DD during the middle of her exams, even if my parents are willing to help out. All hell broke loose and I've been called unreasonable - my friend is now in a serious mood with me.

AIBU for saying I'm not going to go?

YANBU. Your DD needs you more than the bride does at that specific point in time.

Your friend is a dick and acting like a spoilt child. I wouldn’t go on the Hen Do and I wouldn’t go the wedding either.

YANBU, your friend can’t expect everyone to be able to go on, or afford, a foreign hen do! She’s being ridiculous.

when I got married I had a (cheap) weekend in Amsterdam as my hen do. I think 5 of us went, there were maybe 5 more that couldn’t make it and I totally understood that.

That's not a friend.

It's been decided that her hen do will be a long weekend in Ibiza (Friday AM to Monday PM), at the beginning of June.

You make it sound like it’s been decided this morning? When was it booked and what did you say?

I have a child doing exams and if this was proposed, I would have said-sorry, that’s over DC’s exams so I won’t be able to attend-have a lovely time. I wouldn’t give a shit if anyone thought that was unreasonable. I couldn’t go Friday/Monday anyway as I don’t have the sort of job where you can book annual leave like that.

If you agreed to this months ago and will be letting down people by not going/paying, I can understand why people might be pissed off.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable.

The bride is only interested in her big day, but your daughter’s exams will be a stepping stone to her future. I’m sure she works hard and will do well, but when you’re doing public exams you need your mum around for a bit of pampering and looking after.

YANBU - you need to put your DD first and should absolutely not go away that weekend she has her GCSEs. They're really stressful and she might need your support.

Your friend sounds like she is being a bridezilla and if she was a decent friend she would understand this.

This op. You know you need to be there for your dd so just hold firm with your friend. I also wouldn't waste precious annual leave for this.

Has this been booked and your bringing it up now or are you saying you can't make it and it hasn't be booked?

I think its understandable the hen would be upset but a reasonable person would understand you feel conflicted and are concerned. Exams are important and me personally wouldn't want to leave the kids either. I'm not sure how your child is on the day and so on but I know mine need me around so go with your gut. I genuinely don't feel there's a right or a wrong. Everyone's kids are different and Everyone's feelings are different. Go with your gut. I think your friend also needs to be more understanding. You're not trying to be rude or difficult.

To answer a couple of questions - the original plan was to have a spa day, in the UK, on the Saturday of that weekend (no overnight stay) which I said I would be available for. There have been discussions between the other bridesmaids and this week they have decided that a long weekend in Ibiza would be better, and the bride agrees. Nothing has been booked or paid for.

You would BU to go in these circumstances. Bride needs to wind her neck in

Then you definitely back out. I think you will regret it leaving dd over such a significant time. Not worth it for a hen do.

Don’t go!

Your friend is a dick

In that case, you are being more than reasonable. ‘I’m so sorry, I was really up for a UK spa day but a long weekend away in the middle of my daughter’s GCSEs isn’t something I can do’

End of subject. If she doesn’t want you to be bridesmaid now, then tell her fine.

I’d be the same as you; it’s a shame but I’d expect her to understand. I also think that the cost of that kind of weekend is unreasonable to expect from
people

Your friend is an idiot and YANBU

I was all set to think you were being a bit precious when she’s 16 (though I still don’t think it would be unreasonable - no one can expect you to go on a 4 day overseas trip). However, when you add in the exams then it totally changes things - if you don’t feel comfortable leaving her with your parents during her GCSEs, then you absolutely shouldn’t feel pressured to.

I would give her a chance to reconsider and apologise for her overreaction but otherwise, I think I’m with the pp who said to duck out of the whole wedding/friendship - she doesn’t like you enough to take your feelings and needs into account, so she’s not worth your time.

Just be factual about it, try not to be wooly such as I don't think I can...or I'm not sure, just say "That doesn't work for me as dd has exams those days. I can't go, but hope the rest of you have a great time". Don't get into discussions about it, just repeat it is not possible.

The bride will strop initially as she will be disappointed her bridesmaid can't go, which is understandable as she would have liked you there. It will be her reaction once the news has settled in that will define your friendship ongoing.

I didn’t think that 12 year olds were allowed to get married. She must be 12 because that’s the only reason I can think to behave like this.

I don't think it's helped that everyone else has agreed to the Ibiza trip despite the cost - I'm the only person that hasn't!

YANBU. I also have GCSE kid and they need their parents around them. I am not an SP and no way would I go away. And I am the least martyr-y mum I know.

No need to get sucked into drama, you aren't able to go. It's sad but never mind.

But from what you say the cost isn't the issue for you - it's the dates that are a problem. Agree with all PP - you don't bugger off on a fun girly holiday when your DD is sitting two important exams. What message does that send her about how important her education is?

What if she comes out of one of them upset because she thinks she did badly? What if she comes out feeling pleased she did well and you aren't there to say how proud you are of her? What about just being there to make her cups of tea and encourage her while she studies?

You simply say to the bride "so sorry I can't make that weekend due to DD's exams, completely understand that is what works for everyone else so don't worry about me not being able to go, we'll do something else later to make up". If she doesn't understand that, she isn't a true friend.

The only situation in which it would be fine for you to go is of your child felt they didn't need you around and were happy to be on hand via phone. However, you clearly don't feel comfortable going and your friend has soured matters now anyway. Oh well. Her problem.